I really wish I could better understand myself,
Like be able to reach in, instead of reaching out for help.

I wish my thoughts wouldn't compress on my brain,
Begging to get out, begging to keep me sane.

And I've reluctantly come to notice,
When it comes to life, I'm actually just a novice.

I could pretend to know something about everything,
But in reality, I'm still endeavouring.

To succeed, to achieve,
To figure out what I need.

I struggle in my sea of confusion,
My arms tire as I swim to keep from losing.

How do you know when it’s all done?
When the final fights, fought and the war’s either lost or won.

And you sit there and think of all the things you could've done differently.
“Maybe I could've said something else, or only to a different degree.

The simplest things could change a lot,”
These thoughts always manage to get me distraught.

The mistakes I've made catch me at night,
Where I'm looking for myself, in a room with no light.

It’s hard to say, what I think I'm looking for,
It’s easier to say that I really just don’t know anymore.

It was the rain that told me the change was coming.

After all you always altered as the seasons did.

If I could, I would go back to before the water started falling.
I would accept the cold.
No: I love you.
No: It’s going to be okay.
No: Trust me.

Still the rain came.

You covered the erratic land of my mind,
There was a bit of you in every part of me.
A touch here,
Another there.

Until there was nothing left.

You did not care that you saw the approach of the sun before I,
For you, it was easier to let me believe in a happy ending.
You continued to fall;
All the while your love was sinking into the storm drain that is your indecision.

I asked you about the sun,
And you laughed
Fell softly in reassurance.
Knew I was foolish enough to believe that the rain would stay.

It was the rain that told me the change was coming.

I asked for a goodbye,
But it was just gone.

I saw the sun as it rose.
Felt its blistering heat.
Sensed the water fade as it moved from the east to the west.

Taking everything that I was promised I could keep.

I guess I should have realized your capacity for deception
When I told you spring was my favourite season,
And I saw the umbrella in your hand.

Silent, outspoken.                                                                                        
No power, devotion.
Giving up on everything I started,
No motion.

Do you hear me? I'm calling.
Trying to hold on, but I'm falling.
Putting off all my emotions till the last minute.
Stalling.

I hold it all in.
From the moment it begins.
Telling myself that the good people
Always get the most wins.

And I know I'm only human.
Our lives don't come in sets of nines
But in trying so hard to save time,
I imagine it move so slow it rewinds.

All my effort, it was wasted.
Put to no use where I placed it.
Maybe that's how it was supposed to go
So I could finally find its limit.

One last thing before I go,
I’m not saying that I’m gone,
But just like you did with your life
I am trying to move on.

So the lesson’s finally been learned.
If I get near you I get burned
And something else that you should know,
My trust is only to be earned.

Can't hear me? Don't bother.
Cause I'm no longer calling.
Did the message get across yet?
Do you feel the loss yet?
Please don't waste your time relaxing in fake mourning.
I swear to you that everything will be fine by the morning.

to my thirteen year old self
do not worry
they did not mean what they said that one time when they were mad and told you that you were not loved

to my thirteen year old self
do not cry
he is not the most important thing and you deserve to be treated much better than the way they treat you

to my thirteen year old self
don't lose focus
you have so much more to work for you are better than everything you tell yourself

to my thirteen year old self
pick yourself up
you are not low you are not bad you are not worth nothing you are worth so much more

to my thirteen year old self
put the bottle down
trust me the pain will get much worse and you are going to be much stronger than you'll ever believe

to my thirteen year old self
breathe
tomorrow is another day and you are getting better with each passing one. just breathe.

If you were to be torn away from me right now
I fear I'd risk finding myself
I would much rather have no knowledge of who I am.
I would much rather be lost in you,
Searching for the parts that I have not yet discovered.

They only care when you're gone.
When you're no longer apart of their everyday life...
Maybe they'll miss you.
Maybe they'll say some kind words.

They'd say:
Oh, it's so sad that she's gone,
She was so smart
She was so pretty
She had her whole life ahead of her.

No one gives a **** when you're here.
They tear you apart, just to feel good.
You won't be praised.
Only a victim of their criticism.

And all you hear is:
Why are you even here?
You're never going to be anything.
You're not pretty.
You're not smart.
You... are not anything

So forgive me for thinking.
Maybe they'll care when I'm gone.
Cause they sure as hell don't care now.

It's hard.
To breath, to get by.

I think to much,
Cry too much
Make too many mistakes
Have too little successes

You pick out every flaw
Eager to show me what's wrong.
I'm at fault, I'm a mistake
I... am nothing in your eyes.

What does it take to make you happy?
Cause I know it doesn't matter to you, if I am.

I'm living today.
But I'm only fighting,
So hard to get to tomorrow.
To get to the tomorrow

Where you're not there to hurt me
Because that's all you know how to do.
All you ever do.
Criticise me.

You say I'm selfish
Yet I have never met a person as cruel as you.

Who am I?
To you?
To myself?
Why does it even matter?
We're both going to be gone in the end.
So can't you just let me live?

I want to be me.
A me without pain.
A me without regrets.
A me without burdens.

Let me be happy...
Because if by the end,
I'm not?
Why does anything even matter.

Have you ever questioned your attachment to the unattainable?

Why do we always want what we cannot have?

Desire those who do not requite?

So many bodies of water and I chose the one that travelled at altitudes above my reach.

It was the rain that told me the change was coming.

After all you always altered as the seasons did.

And a girl who has live through the seasons, surely knows that they never last.
Must melt into the other no matter how stubborn the wind.

But I never saw this one coming.
Maybe I did, maybe I ignored the chinooks
Let them slip past my peripheral.

Turned away from the horizon, compelling myself to let the sound of the raindrops ease my paranoia...

If I could, I would go back to before the water started falling.
I would accept the cold.
No: I love you.
No: It’s going to be okay.
No: Trust me.

Still the rain came.

You covered the erratic land of my mind,
There was a bit of you in every part of me.
A touch here,
Another there.

Water seeped through fences,
Saturated the soil, lending temporary anticipation to the life hidden there.

You did not care that you saw the approach of the sun before I,
For you, it was easier to let me believe in a happy ending.
You continued to fall;
All the while your love was sinking into the storm drain that is your indecision.

I asked you about the sun,
And you laughed
Fell softly in reassurance.
Knew I was foolish enough to believe that the rain would stay.

It was the rain that told me the change was coming.

After all, the sun had always commanded your path

And a girl who has experienced the drought before surely knows to avoid direct exposure.

But feet tire from travel, weaken from weight of empty palms, that used to be filled of untroubled optimism.

I could not follow the nimbus anymore

I asked for a goodbye,
But it was just gone.

I saw the sun as it rose.
Felt its blistering heat.
Sensed the water fade as it moved from the east to the west.

Taking everything that I was promised I could keep.

Life shriveled, parched and hopeless. Searching for the source that gave it it's name.

I guess I should have realized your capacity for deception
When I told you spring was my favourite season,
And I saw the umbrella in your hand.

You never hold me
Or put your arms around me in any way
We are much too secret for that

Instead we share a small glance
A smile maybe
Never for longer than a few seconds

And you walk by
Your finger tips grazing my shoulder
Or my arm
My hand
My waist
The top of my thigh

Your touch seers through cloth and skin
I feel it against my bones
Your touch is imprinted straight through me
And when I see you
It is what I crave

But it's all I can receive,
The connection between me and the tips of your fingers
That graze so lightly and hold me to you with such force

You tell me of your fears and you're inability to love the person you see in the mirror
I tell you I will teach you and we will over come those fears together

I tuck and pull, shifting in on myself so as to hide more skin and my weakness to you
You hold me putting your head to my heart to calm me, telling me that it's where you want to be

Finally together and more damaged than ever
We will help fix each other

I've admired you, with all your flaws.
Held you, even when the shards of your broken heart cut me,
Bruised me, they stung even after they healed.
I carried the weight of your emotions,
Even though my fragile body could barely carry the weight of mine.

I cared for you, even with the pain you caused me.
Reassured you, time and time again that you had my forgiveness.
You abused it, used it to your advantage only to sooner disregard it.
I listened to you talk about someone else,
When all I wanted to hear you say was my name, over and over till I grew tired of the sound

I trusted you, with all the lies I'd heard.
Believed in you, with all my heart that you could be the person you wanted to be.
Still you doubted me, never believed in how important I believed you were.
You chose the easier road,
Ignoring the support I'd promised and worked hard to give.

I loved you, but I couldn't tell you.
You were blinded, unable to see that all that I had done for you only meant this.
So I let go. Of me and you and everything between us.
Stopped trying so hard to make you happy,
Because you never did any of it for me.

And so you admire me, for all that you knew I did for you.
And you wish to hold me, but the shards of your broken heart scatter
And you search for them, losing sight of me and all that we could have been
And my heart will always be waiting, even if I'm not, so take your time

One day you'll notice the signs.

I kissed your hand once,
Held it against my chest,
And whispered "mine"

Instead of leaving the word
Imprinted in your skin,
I tattood it on my lips

Because even now
When the word seems
To no longer be true

I whisper it over and over
Hoping it may one day
Hold meaning again

I used to sit quiet
never finding the ability to defend myself
My voice was an empty box that was always searching for the words to say
But lacking what it took to say them
they called me weak

then I found my courage
the only thing I could do was speak up
I refused to be treated like I wasn’t important anymore
They called me angry

They broke me
Picked, and criticized till I didn't need them to do it for me anymore
I spread out the outline of my mind and erased every self-loving part left
they called me emotional

I hurt
for I was aware of the presence of my flaws and emotional dilemmas
It was impossible to imagine that anyone was on my side when even I wasn’t
They called me sensitive

My tears fell easily
My walls had been beat so weak that even with all the strength that I could imagine they still hold none
The paint cracked and chipped at the corners of my heart, revealing the hollowness underneath
They called me dramatic

I will sit quiet
and they will not call me weak
They will find no strength imaginary or real left
Every flaw analyzed
Every action criticized
they will be satisfied for they have stripped me of everything
I will call myself nothing

My voice was trapped in my throat for so long
When I'd scream,
All that could be heard was the straining of my vocal chords

Then I freed my voice
Ready to finally say the words that were stuck as thoughts
But when the words came out

No one was listening


a.l.

Brush it off
Let it fall
Forget the past
But maybe not all
Reminisce
About the days
When things used to work
In my way
In my favor
In this moment
I am my
Only opponent
Ruining my self
My mental health
Only my fault
No one else
Why do I
Tend to overthink
I’m going too far
On the brink
I’ve been through much
Seen too much
Pushing forward
With no luck
Time to let it
Be, and set it
Free, So I can
See. And so I’ll
Take a breath
Let it all go
Relieve the stress
And watch it fall slow.

Could you do something for me?
Would you stay?

If only for a little while?

Lie down next to me.
Feel the warmth of my skin.

Our barriers so paper thin.

Take my pain.
I'll take your happiness.

Would you do me this kindness?

You'll feel me.
As I'll feel you.

And we'd forget who's who.

Give me your hand.
Brush your fingers under my eyes.

You could feel the memories that have dried.

We'd speak in whispers.
Loud enough to just reach each others ears.

Could you help talk away my fear?

So please stay.
If only for a little while.

And we'll be one.
Divided as two.

She used to smile and laugh
And you would smile back
And say
I'm glad I can do that

And now she cries
So you put your head down
And pretend that
You don't see the damage

But one day she'll smile again
And you will turn away
And ask yourself
Why did I let her go?

Somewhere between meeting you
And loving you
I forgot the difference between making myself happy
And making you happy
Because you consumed every part of my mind
And seeing you smile, lit my whole world up
So there was no one left to take care for me
Cause we both only cared about you


a.l.

You want to be the one they choose
Want to be the one they look to
To be they one they cherish
Be the one who makes them better
The one who they hold at night when they think about all the things they want
And realize that it's you

You want to be... The. One.

I am not that girl,
My cuts and bruises are what make me who I am
Their healing process has marked the strength I have fought to build
But sometimes I wish that I was that girl
The girl who someone wants to love
The girl who’s someone loves them enough to allow them to stop taking care of themselves and takes care of them instead
I’m so tired of being strong
I’m so tired of being told I am weak because of my desires
I just want to reach the next part of my life
Where I realize that all the hurt was worth it
To get to a point of peace
I just want to be
Take away all the baggage
Just let me be.

I have lost all hope.
Maybe I've been expecting a little too much from people.
I tend to do that sometimes.

I am learning how to take care of myself, but I've never been the type of girl who could handle everything.

Sometimes I pretend that I am her. A girl who writes inspiration and sees open doors.
People want to hear what she has to say.
She is important.

She has seen excitement and avoided heartbreak.
She has not been let go by people she cared for.
She is strong and does not cry over spilt milk or lost trust.

She is not me.

Sometimes I forget that I've lost hope. So to remind myself I get close to people. Let them paint murals of friendship on the acidic walls of my love only to have them wash away when the storm hits.

I do not agree with the quote about the past.
My past has defined all that I am.
It has shaped me and turned me into the person I am today.
Though difficult to say sometimes I'm not sure it's the person I want to see when I look in the mirror.

Sometimes I'm thankful for my forgetful mind.
Even when ties are severed they leave behind structures made of stories and memories—
Canvases to be painted on by the new people to come.

It's only in these times, when I see the ends ending and the beginnings beginning, that I realize I am the same girl I've always been.