I came to realize,
that writing is both a blessing,
and a curse.

For those whom I don't write about,
my writing is beautiful,
filled with depth,
and worded perfectly.

But those whom I write about,
are often angered,
by the fact that I express my thoughts of them at all.

My tongue is a double-edged sword,
it is healing to me,
but damaging to you.

But still,
I write anyway.

After months have passed,
Time you spent avidly painting me like a kaleidoscope,
You finally laid your hands down.
There were no words I could express,
It was like one morning,
I woke up with a pang in my chest,
The sky was dark and it began to rain,
And somehow,
I just knew.

My breath escaped me,
when your arms opened,
pulling me closer,
I think when our lips met,
a part of me must have died.

You were the most wonderful person,
somehow managing to throw my logic out the window,
leaving me to succumb to blind emotion,
fueled by your words and actions,
I folded into you over, and over.
Becoming familiar to the feel of your rough calloused hands,
running circles all across my skin.
You burned where you touched.

In the midst of waking up,
slipping to the bottom of a few bottles,
I realized in the worst possible moment,
that you were poison.
You shook me off of my course,
leaving me to feel inclined to give up,
on all the good things I sought avidly for myself,
and with each word you spoke,
I opened up a little more,
leaving more room for you to crawl into my heart,
but instead you came into my head,
twisting me a part,
leading me on,
and telling me that I was wrong,
that there was something wrong with me,
and each time you said it,
with each painful word you threw my direction,
I believed it.

But to end it all,
that took more courage than I'd like to openly admit,
because I still loved you,
even though I never said it,
I never dared to say that to you,
but if there was one thing I could ever thank you for,
it would be giving thanks to you for being an *******,
and placing yourself at the bottom of the list,
a perfect example of the person,
never to end up with.

If you have no intention of keeping me,
Then don't waste my time.
Simple as that.
No sugar coated words,
Or poetic verses.
No one deserves that anymore.

If you have no intention of making me yours,
Then don't let me get close.
Keep me at arms length,
Far out of your reach,
And don't call or text my phone.

Fade away into time where you once came from.

If your only intention is to sleep with me,
Make it known.
Don't hide behind words and actions,
Leading me down a path that seems as though,
It might head somewhere.
Make it clear, keep it simple.

Because then I will know what to expect,
Absolutely nothing at all.

If you have no intention of respecting me,
Or any of the things previously mentioned,
Then don't speak to me,
Don't even let the idea of me cross your mind.
I will never be the girl for you.

I have more common sense than that.
I have more respect for myself than that.
I see straight through you.

So do me a favor almost lover,
And be transparent.

Imagine sitting in a room,
four walls, two windows,
one door,
but there's no way out.
you're trapped with your thoughts,
moments replaying over and over in your head,
and the minutes and hours,
increasingly get worse.

Imagine wanting so badly to talk to someone,
but not wanting to burden anyone with your weight,
so you try to handle it on your own,
but you can't stop crying long enough,
and your heart is breaking more and more,
you feel inadequate,
you feel worthless,
you feel pathetic,
you want the pain to stop,
so you drop a pain killer or two into your mouth,
and swallow it down with flat soda.

The hours keep moving,
but you can't bring yourself to go to sleep,
your mind won't be quiet,
so you reach the point of being awake for twenty-four hours,
every day,
and when you finally do crash,
you don't dream.
it's empty, just like how you feel.

But when you wake up,
you reach for your phone,
only to call a close friend or two,
wanting and hoping they'll make time for you,
but they don't.
they're too busy for you.
so you feel worse,
because you have no one there,
so the walls are closing in on you,
and all you want is for it all to go away,
but it won't.

you have no enjoyment from watching tv,
you see no point in being awake,
you see no point in sleep,
you see no reason to feel,
you see no point to care,
you can't stop shaking,
all you can do is cry,
and you want to talk to someone,
but you don't know how,
you don't know what to say,
so you're alone.

imagine this happening over and over,
for the past three days.
You're an anchor,
dropping into a bottomless sea,
nothing to grasp onto,
just falling, forever.

I just want the noise to stop,
I don't want to feel this way anymore,
I don't want to be alone anymore,
but I can't open my mouth to reach for you,
I keep hoping you'll reach back,
but you never do.

I feel like i'm trapped in a memory
one that increasingly changes
shifting like the change in seasons,
one moment I am in spring time,
alone in a field of flowers,
feeling a cool breeze through my hair,
while the sun beams down on me,
warming my bones.

The next I am plunged into fall,
amongst trees and falling leaves,
there are no birds here, they've all died,
so the forest sings no songs,
it breathes, but on its last breath,
into winter,
barren trees,
snow up to my ankles,
and deer lay in pools of blood,
tongue's sticking out of their mouths,
all the beauty has been ****** dry.

I leave the forest in search of something new,
only to come to the rocky waters,
at the edge I would listen to the siren's call,
As I work my hands through to make a bra from seashells, seaweed,
and twine.
They beckoned me forth,
to the edge of the cliff,
wishing to plunge me into the deep unsettling waters,
to **** my life, and my dreary thoughts from me.

Oh what a wonderful life it must be,
to be void of all thought and emotion.
I left the castles, and the forests behind me,
to find serenity by the water,
where I have always felt I belonged near,
the smell of salt water filling me up,
my feet coated in sand,
while I dreamed of something better than this,
but at most,
I found mountains, and dying trees,
and the wolves with sharp and jagged teeth.

Their claws digging into me,
ripping me open,
as all the beauty in me poured out,
pools of blood the colors of the rainbow,
the acid melting my brain,
devoid of all that I once knew,
because truthfully it never mattered anyway,
and at that moment I found myself standing on the edge of the cliff,
I jumped off into the air,
meeting the waters below,
the siren finally won,
taking my body,
plunging me into the depths,
the water had become my home,
forever more.

In my dreams,
you came to me,
singing that sad song,
eyes ocean blue.

But i'm growing weary,
years have passed me by,
and now I'm nearly twenty-four,
keeping a soft spot for you endlessly,
but I need to accept that life had other plans,
for you, for me, for us.

It's time to close the book,
i've filled it up nearly enough.
But I'm pledging here and now,
that every second, every breath,
of my pathetic whirlwind of a life,
will be in aims to show the world,
just how much I love you.