AJ Claus

AJ Claus Apr 2014

I am stuck in a sticky state.
I’m a piece of gum,
thoroughly chewed.
By now, quite overused,
I've lost all taste.
My life has become an endless blur,
every day the same,
like an old song on repeat.
Overplayed,
I’m sick of it,
and have been for quite some time now.
I need change,
desperately,
achingly,
need it.
I can’t live like this anymore,
can’t live every day on repeat,
never changing my pattern,
never changing beat.
Nothing anymore makes me happy,
no food tastes as sweet
as it did before,
when my life was filled with open doors,
with opportunities,
change,
chances to rearrange,
to take on new adventures
every day.
But now, every day is a struggle,
always the same.
My depression has taken charge,
taken over what little control
I had left in my life.
It is my captor, and I its hostage,
locked up in its grasp, its chains,
until further notice.
I pray for the day
that it sets me free,
which is hopefully soon,
but probably never.
I’ll die before it lets me go,
yet I sometimes feel like death
would be better than feeling this low;
it would be release,
release from my endless days on repeat,
for which life just can’t seem to cease.
But for now I am stuck.
I am the gum you've been gnawing on for hours,
and you want so badly to spit me out,
but now just isn't the right time.
So you keep
chew
chew
chewing
that tasteless gum of mine,
wishing you could trade it out
for a piece with real flavor.
All I wish for
is a life with real meaning,
so that finally, again,
I can start feeling.
Until then,
I am numb,
much overchewed,
tired and used,
and feeling abused
by my own mind,
this cruel, cruel depression
that’s running my life,
and now I’m running out of time.

#depression #sticky #numb #repeat #stuck #gum #overchewed #captor #hostage #tasteless

AJ Claus Feb 2014

Sparks Fly

When we touch,
sparks fly,
zipping between our finger tips.
What electricity we have;
It's shocking,
like our connection is rated in volts,
and we score off the charts.
When we kiss,
I feel jolted with energy
that is so sweet,
so heated;
It's like fireworks are exploding
inside our bodies
up into our hearts,
making them beat a million miles an hour.
The electric current,
those bright firework in every color,
jump-started my heart,
and now it won't stop,
continuously speeding up
like an engine
speeding down the open highway.

You are so sweet,
my addiction,
and I can't get enough.
I would take a lighting strike
if it meant we could be together.
Though every time we are,
whenever we touch, hug, kiss,
lightning strikes me anyway,
and sparks erupt through our bodies
like a storm.
Our chemistry creates a hurricane,
drenching us in passion, in rain;
electricity flowing between us
like an endless tornado,
sweeping us up
and pulling us together.
We hold on like our lives depend on it,
and sometimes it truly feels
like without that pulsing energy,
our hearts would stop.
So I will not let go,
no.
I will hold on tight,
and forever let our
sparks fly.

AJ Claus Feb 2014

Standing Out

I'm not really that ordinary,
I'd like to think extraordinary,
but that might be going
just a bit too far.
No matter what I say, though,
I know the way I want to go,
and that more than anything
I don't want to blend in.
I'm different, I'm unique,
always thinking on my feet,
standing up for my beliefs
so that I may stand out,
out from the crowd.
No need to speak so loud.
Actions speak louder than words,
after all.
I won't be just another face
in this world of endless people.
I want to be me,
not someone else.
I will not conform,
I will not give in,
I will always only just simply be myself.
And no one can convince me to do otherwise.
They'd be wasting their time,
and worse, they'd waste mine.
I certainly won't spend a dime
to be something I'm not.
And they should know that now,
not later.
I am standing out from the normal,
the ordinary,
the boring.
I am standing out to take control
of my life and of my world.
I am standing out,
and I'll never look back.

AJ Claus Feb 2014

Addiction

I fight in a battle against myself,
a war between life and death.
The longer it roars on,
the less chance, I think,
I have to win.
And I have to win,
because losing means
that I lose everything,
and everyone that matters to me loses, too.
In this fight to the death,
I’m killing myself slowly,
my addiction eating away at
my health,
my judgments,
my relationships.
I am either looked at
like a sad puppy,
pitied and worried about,
or a diseased dog,
judged, backed away from.
I am losing myself
as I lose this war,
and it looks, indeed, like I am losing.
This is a fight
between my addiction and me,
and it is the stronger foe;
it is my mortal enemy.
And when it’s done,
when it has won,
I’ll have lost my mortality.

I am dying,
and I can’t stop it,
even though I am the only one
who can actually try.
I feel hopeless
as I fight against myself,
the addict-me versus the old-me,
as the old-me tries to win back
what it lost so long ago.
I don’t even remember
what sober feels like anymore.
Every time I try to quit,
I fail,
I sit
writhing in agony
as my need proceeds
to pull me back in;
the taste I can’t
get out of my head
overwhelms me
until no longer can I see
straight,
and more than anything,
I truly hate
that antagonizing taste
inside my head,
because soon enough,
it will leave me for dead.
But until then
I can only try to survive,
as I fight myself
and the addiction inside.

You are never alone as you fight something as terrible as alcohol addiction, but only you can begin to fight back. There is help around every corner, but you must be brave enough to reach out and ask for it. Your life is on the line, so fight to win your war.

AJ Claus Feb 2014

Cleansing

It's raining.
I knew it would today,
long before the sun slipped behind
the slowly darkening clouds.
I could feel it when I awoke
from a sleep filled with nightmares
of all my worst memories.
Sweat soaked me
like I had been in a torrential downpour,
and I knew instantly that today,
rain would rush down from the heavens
like a never-ending waterfall.
I don't know how I knew,
but I did.

Rays of sun beamed down
as I stepped outside
only hours ago.
And now it is raining,
and I step outside again,
cautious at first;
But then I leap into the sodden grass,
which soaked up every drop
like its life depended on it,
like it would be its last.
I soaked them up too,
as if they were my lifeline.

It was only a light shower at first,
but quickly the drops turned into
streams of frigid water,
a river falling from the sky.
I faced it head on,
letting it drench my face,
my hair,
my clothes,
which clung to my body
like a second layer of skin.
But it was not uncomfortable,
unpleasant,
nor even cold.
It filled my body with a warmth
that the sun hadn't given me in years.

For so long I felt nothing,
only guilt, anger, sadness...
Nothing good, no gladness.
Life meant little to me.
I was never a very good person,
but I tried to change.
I really tried.
Yet still, the guilt stuck to me
like glue,
or the gum you can't get off your shoe.
The days blended together,
and time lost all meaning.
But today, everything changes.
Everything will be different.

It's raining,
and the drops are cleansing me of my sins,
setting me free,
letting go of my guilt, my past, for me.
I feel rejuvenated,
restored,
revived,
like once again
I can thrive,
for at last
I've been purified,
cleansed of my old ways,
of my bad side.
From this day forth
I'll have nothing to hide.

And still the rain falls,
more gently, now,
and I smile for the first time
in what feels like years.
Birds chirp in the distance,
shaking the water from their wings
so that they may fly,
take flight and soar
through the endless sky.
Just as I
shake off my guilt and my sorrow,
shedding them like an old coat
that just doesn't fit right anymore,
and turn them into
what I can only call hope.

It is no longer raining,
but now I lay in the blades of greener grass,
warming under the sun
as I watch the day pass.
Time slows and regains meaning,
and finally I have regained feeling.
Soon enough my eyes start to close,
as sleep takes over me.
At last I dream happy dreams,
filled with the hope
of how things will change,
of how things can finally be.
For the first time in forever,
I feel completely free.

AJ Claus Feb 2014

Sketches in the Stars

To me, constellations
Are like sketches in the stars.
You stare at the sky
Until your eyes burn,
Wondering where oh where they are.

Looking for those shapeless shapes
Is like playing connect-the-dots.
You point, reach out
At those ***** of fire,
And luckily, this close, there're not so hot.

Twinkling, twinkling,
Those stars in the sky.
I wish oh I wish
That I could see them up close,
Oh how I wish I could fly.

If I could then I would soar,
Wouldn't wait for a second chance.
I'd leap into the night,
Taking instant flight,
And look back down on a world full of ants.

The stars would grow closer,
No longer quite so small.
I'd do flips,
So excited!
No fear, not scared at all.

At last I'd leave our atmosphere,
Yet somehow I would breathe.
I would finally taste
My outer space,
And I'd never want to leave.

The moon would be my first destination,
A crescent, not actually round.
I'd curl into its curve,
It would rock me to sleep,
And at last I'd feel safe and sound.

Next, now awake, I would go exploring,
Shooting, like stars, here and there.
I'd fly all around,
Never touching the ground,
And all without a care.

Finally I'd go chasing
After my burning ***** of light.
No longer could I
Connect those huge dots,
But I was warmed by those stars oh so bright.

So no more could I make
My sketches in the stars,
But at last
I'd be among them,
And know exactly where they are.

AJ Claus Feb 2014

Anguish

I never thought I would ever feel
such terrible, terrible pain.
I never thought I would feel so alone,
or be left alone to rot in my misery.
But here I am, lonely and hurting
both inside and out...
I anguish.
And it's all your fault.
I thought you were the one,
that you'd love me forever;
not once did I imagine
us not staying together.
It was perfect, and felt so right.
But then one day, it went so wrong.
I woke up,
and you were gone.
No note, no goodbye...
and I couldn't cope,
because I didn't know why.
I gave up everything...
family, friends, my home...
to be with you,
then be left all alone.
No one approved, you see.
But I fought, saying "listen to me!"
Then I told them they were wrong,
that I loved you
and you loved me, too.
So they left me, said I was on my own.
And now you've left me too,
and I realize that I was the one that was wrong all along.
So terribly wrong.
Now I don't have you
or my home.

So I anguish.

I sit in the shadows of this lonely world
filled with people who I don't know,
nor care about.
And they don't give me a second look.
I'm pitiful.
I go about every day in a haze,
a blurred daze,
lost in my ways;
can't get out,
can't move on.
Can't do anything anymore.
I feel...

                                                                                                nothing.

I am numb,
and I don't know if I will ever feel anything but pain
ever
again.
The pain you caused.
The pain I loathe.
The pain I can't seem to run away from.

And so I anguish.

Miserable, all the time.
Not that time has any meaning, anymore.
I've lost track of the day...
every hour, week, year,
speeds by,
rushes past me,
leaving me in the dust,
with the dust,
covered in dust.
I am stuck in the past,
my horrible, terrible past,
and I cannot move on,
forget what you've done,
no matter how hard I try.
All that I can do is
sit in the shadows and cry.
The tears sting my cheeks like acid rain,
falling down in constant pain,
filled with the only memories that remain.
All bad, or sad;
even the happy ones make me mad.
Because they're all of you,
or my friends and family...
everything I've lost,
and all because of you.

And so here, now,
I anguish.

I cannot stop.

I hate you, you know.
I gave you three years of my life.
And now I give you more,
because even when you're gone,
I can't move on.
Why did you leave, abandon me?
Why did you prove me wrong?
I thought that you would always be there for me,
love me too, like I've always loved you.
But now that love has
tarnished,
rotted,
decomposed,
into such
vengeful hate.
You cracked my heart like a china plate;
fragile as it was,
you didn't even care.
You threw it on the ground
and left it there.
To wither away, maybe?
Or would you rather it be shredded like paper,
torn,
ripped,
burned down to a crisp,
to ashes that will seep down into the earth,
down to Hell where you belong.

I hope you die.

Or at least get what you deserve.
Until then,

                                                                                                  I anguish.

Time stands still, like I do,
unmoving,
uncaring,
unfeeling...
I've lost everything.
Least of all,
you.
I thought that I loved you,
and would never forget,
never regret,
all that we once had.
But now all I want to do is forget,
and I could never regret it more.

And still,
I anguish.

Maybe I have lost this battle,
and the war inside me still raging on
seems hopeless, too;
but I'm glad now, at least,
that I have lost you.
I just wish I had sooner,
before I made my biggest mistakes;
falling into your sticky web and
choosing you over those I had always trusted before...
How could I have been so
stupid?
I should have slammed the door
in your pathetic face long ago.
And yet still, now,
I cannot let it go,
cannot move on,
cannot handle the pain you caused,
the pain you put me through.

So I anguish,
and I'm afraid that that is all I will ever be able to do.