Here I go
I'm doing it. Yes, yes I'm actually doing it.
blink. blink. blink. blink.
Oh Come on,
Just speak from the heart, I know you can do it,
blink. blink. blink. blink.

Hurry up you can do this.
tick. tick. tick. tick.
One minute, five minutes, ten minutes, an hour.
Think of the past, Think of regret,
No, stay in the present.
tick. tick. tick. tick.

Breathe in, breathe out, listen to your heart beat.
one. two. three. four.
okay here I go.
I'm stuck here aren't I?
I'm trapped with thoughts of goodbye.
one. two. three. four.

Stop digging yourself into a deeper hole.
one foot,
two feet,
six feet under.
trapped in a box,
forever, ever after.
*four. three. two...

I want you to text me I love you when we haven't talked all day
I want an I love you in the halls at random times
I crave the syllables that bounce out of your mouth when you call me 'your girl'
But I don't want
Ily, why bother is what you're saying I can't type the extra 7 characters
Well if you can't type those extra 7 characters maybe I can't text you anymore after all too many letters
I don't want
Love ya, what are we 5? Tell me you love me or say nothing it's not that hard
If you ever dare text me I (heart emoji) u, I will delete your number, i deserve more than an emoji and two 2 letters

I deserve paragraphs of you proclaiming your love for me or even a sentence asking to talk for a little bit

I don't deserve three letter texts but after all maybe you dont deserve these two letters

Me

When I was 10 I had my 1st crush
He had everything a 4th grader could ask for
He brushed his teeth and never threw spitballs at me
It was love, until he stuck gum in my hair

When I was 12 I thought I was in love
He was the hockey player with a glowing smile
I didn't care if he would talk to me I just wanted someone to find me cute
It was love until he decided to tell everyone how big of a loser I am

When I was 13 I thought I had found the one
Red hair, slight lisp, and an amazing smile
We'd stay up till morning wondering if the stars shown for us
It was beautiful until my friends told me he was a year younger so it's not allowed

When I was in elementary school I never understood why no one else would shake with fear
I would feel a hug of cold air around my body
I'd ask if anyone else felt it and when no one did I thought I was insane
Then I'd start to shake and lose control of my hands
You're such a freak I'd hear as I slowly lost control
My mind would go blank and suddenly I thought I'd be sick
I ran to the nurse where she called me a drama queen
My teacher ran in after and pulled me back to class
I didn't know why I was only half of what others were

In middle school, I learned not to mention these feelings
Everyday before school I would be reminded don't tell anyone how you feel
When those cold hugs started to envelop my starved frame I'd spit fire at everyone
Instead of caring about what others said I'd immediately shoot a smart reply
When my teacher asked me why I was so rude I asked why she cared when no one else did
I wanted to be like the girls who came to school skipping and laughing
I wanted to be whole

In junior high, I locked myself in bathrooms
I'd have to be drugged until I couldn't feel anything so I'd go to school
When I felt numb I started to miss feelings so I slowly dug silver into my wrists and slowly stopped putting food into my body
I learned that the only thing that would make me feel whole was people liking me, so I made a self improvement list
I stopped swearing, I said I loved pink, I said I wanted designer dresses, I said I wasn't myself
Even then I was never whole, I craved love
I craved the warm embrace of others replacing the cold hugs of anxiety
I craved love, I wanted to be someone to love me

In 8th grade I realized those improvements didn't make those cold hugs go away
I decided that maybe if my heart stopped beating everything would be better
When my heart fought my attempts to silence it I decided that maybe I deserved those cold hugs

Now in high school, I realize that I was not being me
I attempt to embrace those cold hugs back
I start to slowly do what society tells me is uncool
But I will never be able to feel whole until I learn that hugs and I love yous may make the anxiety go away for a little while, I have to learn to love myself cold hugs and all in order to truly be whole

But I don't want to be strong, I want to just be

When I was young I'd count to 6 on my pink painted fingers
1, 2, 3, 4, 6
My teacher would always scold me for forgetting the number 5
She'd shout, go into the corner until you can count correctly
I'd sit in that corner day after day always repeating the same thing
1, 2, 3, 4, 6
My teacher would grab my hand and point to my right thumb and say 5, that's 5
1, 2, 3, 4, 6
I started to build a world in that corner
My friends were all numbers
1 was smart and kept after the other numbers
2 was the rebellious genius
3 was the Homecoming Queen with a song to change the world
4 was artistic, her painting could make the world look grey
6 was clever and the one from another group that everyone cared about
then there was 5
1, 2, 3, 4, 6
1 went with 2
3 went with 4
and 6 went with them all
1, 2, 3, 4, 6
5, 5 stood by herself while her sisters 2 and 4 would have fun
5 watched as her brothers 1 and 2 spent everyday together
5 watched as all the numbers accepted 6 as one of their own
1, 2, 3, 4, 6
When I explained this all to the teacher she would always ask why would 5 always watch
I would reply 5 is the one who ruins family trips with her tears, 5 is the one who makes everyone stay home, 5 is the one who won't go out to eat, 5 is the one who shakes and cries with anxiety, 5 is the one no one wants to be
1, 2, 3, 4, 6
My teacher told me that one day I'll learn to love the number 5
But here I am years later
Counting on my fingers covered with chipped nail polish
1, 2, 3, 4, 6