I had to write this in case I die
And they go through my accounts, find my poems
I had to make sure they know that, despite what they read
I could never **** myself
I loved you all too much, I had too many plans
It's just that, I really wanted to sometimes, you know?
I saw too much reality in life
I saw all the endless ways I could die and it scared me
And I'm sorry Mom, that I never told you any of this
It's funny that, in your own way, you knew how this was going to play out
You were always afraid I'd be like Dad, never asking for help when I needed it the most
But I was going to, I swear
I was going to fix this, as soon as I went away to school
I just couldn't have you know this side of me
I loved you too much for that
And to the people who did know this side of me
I'm sorry too
For the moment when they first break the news that
And you think I really did **** myself and that you couldn't save me
The taste of relief bittersweet on your tongue when they tell you how it really happened
Just know that I wanted to make the world a better place
I never thought I was enough to do that, but I was trying
Every day, I got up and stuck a smile on my face
Even when I was hurting so badly that I wanted to **** myself
I WAS STILL TRYING
So please, all I ask is
Don't console yourself by thinking I'm in a better place
Every day, no matter how much it hurt, I chose life.
And so, on the off chance that I die tomorrow, or the next day or the next, I just had to get this out there.
My choice was always life.
It was always all of you.
With all my love and the final beatings of my heart,