it's been a while since i've written
things are changing
maybe thats good
maybe thats bad
I'm happy
or at least i think i am
im no longer struggling just to wake up every day
maybe thats good
maybe thats bad
will i ever been truly 100% happy?
probably not
but these feelings that i feel now, they're great
falling in love was possibly the greatest thing that could happen to me
its crazy how a god i didn't believe in just a year ago, blessed me with the greatest gift in life
love
and happines

"what do you love about him?"
-the way he looks at me like theres no one else in the world, his scent, the way he pulls me tighter and tighter while we kiss until we're closer than two souls could ever be, the way he gives me his all even when i barely give 20 percent, the way he falls asleep mid conversation at 1am but always wakes back up when i text at 3:45am drowning in my thoughts, but most importantly, i love that he makes me happy.

a.o.

sit down one day and look at yourself
look at every decision you've made
every person you've kissed
every lie you've told
every "i love you" that's left your lips
and ask yourself
was it worth it?
did it make me happy?
did it make someone else happy?
was it said out of pain?
just take some time  
reflect
and then quicker than you think
the past will soon be forgotten

i've never been one to use capital letters when i write
i feel its too big of a commitment
maybe i have commitment issues
maybe the capital letters are just a small fish in a sea of issues
i think my biggest issue is the fear of living
i believe thats called anxiety
theres not a defined phobia of life
many people are afraid of living
i stay home on friday nights when i should be at a football game
i have this fake personality i pursue at school, home, cheer, etc
but when its 3:49am and i'm all alone, i'm terrified
i want you here  
you're all i need
but the universe is constantly working against me, taking you away
you're happy
im not
whats new
one day
maybe

as i sit in my bed, and try to think of a name for this poem
i realize how beautiful we become once we are broken
it seems as if our hearts are shattered but it brings our souls together
some of us, release our beauty
using a thin piece of metal to let out the pain
i've learned that cutting only causes scars
you don't feel better
i found a name for this poem
"scars"
because scars remind us that it gets better
no matter how much pain you're in now, it heals

we've lost touch these last few years, and i will never forgive myself
it seems so surreal that you're gone
why were you not wearing your seatbelt?
were you looking at your phone?
did someone run you off of the road?
why did something so bad happen to someone so great?
i have so many questions that will never be answered
one second you were here, and the next you were gone
you will forever be in our hearts
you always were a daddy's girl, now you're singing "Sweet Home Alabama" and having lemonade stands with him again
your preacher continued to repeat, "she's not in pain anymore" and "her darker days are over"
why didn't you tell me you were having a hard time?
you had your whole future planned out, why weren't you wearing your seat belt?
i will think about you every day from now until the day i join you

safety
what is it?
a feeling?
an action?
a belief?
safety from what?
your feelings?
your actions?
your beliefs?

it's almost inevitable in the eyes of many
you push yourself so far that at some point you're destined to fall
you give up to your limit, and then you break, and i don't blame you
you forget any idea of optimism or hope
nothing else matters except the thought of the pain ending
you're told you're being selfish but in your eyes you're doing them a favor
the drugs couldn't keep you numb long enough anymore
the blade couldn't cut deep enough anymore
and the only escape now was a permanent one, am i right?
so that's it
you made your decision
you pull the trigger
you take the pills
you make the cut
you step off of the stool
"no one will miss me"
"it'll end the pain"
"i have no purpose"
you remind yourself
it was worth it
until your mom finds your body
or your dad
or your little sister
or your cousin
or your bestfriend
they'll never forget how lifeless you looked
you're pale, scarred, helpless body will be etched into them forever
if they had just gotten there earlier maybe they could've saved you
you know that's not true but they don't
they feel like it's their fault
it's unfair
you ended your pain, just to cause more for those who love you
it's going to get better
it's destined to
don't permanently end your life because you're temporarily upset
i know it's hard, but hang in there
your life matters a lot more than you think it does

i thought he was the one
i would've given my own life just to save his
but that never seemed to be enough
i tried my best
never enough
it's almost like the more i cared, the less he cared
he let the opinions of others get in his head
and that was the end
he cheated
that was the end of something beautiful