i cannot wait for the day
i look at you
or say your name
or even see your picture
and feel absolutely
n o t h i n g

you were the first person to take my breath away
and three years later,
i haven't gotten it back

it’s the worst kind of pain, they say
i cling to my 3rd bottle of *****
look at me, at just 18
my muffled cries
my screams into my pillow
sleepless nights, drunken nights
the darkness of my room is now my solitude
no-one told me it’d hurt this bad
it’s been two years since my first drunken night
two years later I’m on my millionth drunken night
with my ***** and tears

you told me i was everything
yet you treated me like i was nothing
how convenient for you to compliment me only when you needed me
to get into my pants and satisfy your own hunger
but how stupid of me to let you in repeatedly

i think she mistook the hurt in my eyes
for jealousy,

i think she confused my heartbreak with hatred.
i can't hate her. i never will

i think she thinks i'm bitter he chose her
but that's not it. that will never be it.
it's about losing the one i fell inlove with
it's about all the memories that faded from his memory
it's about me and my heart.

i'm hurt. i'm broken. i don't know how to heal.
i don't know how to cope. i know i can do all these things
but i just don't know how.

i'm trying to pick the pieces up. my heart is on the floor -
shattered and unrepairable for the time being.
i can't fathom how i'll make it through this one but,
i know i will.

i know the fighter inside. i know what she's capable of doing.
i know what she can handle.
i'm just not sure if she can handle it yet.

you bragged and boasted
about us and the *** we had
every time i walked by
your friends,
your silly friends would point
and stare
with my eyes glued to the gravel
under my feet, i kept moving
silly boys, disgusting boys
because little did they know
your *** story
was my **** story.

you tell me you yell
because you love me
you tell me you hit me
because you care,
you want the best for me

yet, you become so alarmed
when i tell you he hits me because he loves me
with each blow he loves me more
why are you so alarmed that he cares for
and he loves me the way you did, dad.