Remember when you told me you thought you were incapable of loving someone or even liking them in an emotionally romantic way? Did u mean that?

Srry I know we haven’t talked in a while and this is kinda out of the blue but i realized i feel the same way

it’s like i try to connect with someone on that level, that intimate level, where i try to let them in enough to where i feel like they can really see me, and then i just hit a wall

but i feel like i’m always working towards that connection. you know? like everyone wants to be seen.

but it’s stupid because every time i get close enough to that vulnerable visibility i can’t bare to be around that person anymore. every bit of my body revolts and i have to get away from anyone who could possibly see me. i have to get as far away as possible as fast as possible

and i always thought it was just a case of the wrong person

that they weren’t the right one the one who would make me feel comfortable enough
and the next one i picked would be better

but it’s never like that

and maybe it’s not the other person
maybe they’re just doing and feeling what two people who are romantically involved should do and should feel

maybe i’m in the wrong

like i don’t think i can love someone because being close to people makes me feel disgusted with myself

anyways what i’m saying is if u do feel like that i think i get it

I want to always sleep beneath the weight
Of your soul. I want to never have the knowledge of being naked.
I want to run without breathing.

I want to greet the sea and the sea’s mother,
Space. I want a mouth full of mountain wind.

I want you to feel that i am just as beautiful and fleeting. If the wind has the advantage of existing through everything and with nothing,
I want to step across fall leaves and not make a sound.

I want to welcome you home, without
you feeling the strangeness of my presence.
I want to exist with you

And when apart miss you. I want to lose myself
In low-hanging and unmoving fog. I want to lose
My physical form and have you never miss it.

I want to be the smoke in the fog.
I want to lose my vessel

With infinite possibility of folding in
And with infinite possibility of expanding out.
I want the freedom of infinite and invisible of movement.

I want my nerves to enclose around you.
I want to feel every inch of you.
And I want you to be oblivious to my touch.

I want to be the moon you see in the pitch of night.
I want to be the crescent and the whole.
I want to be your everything and nothing.

I want to be the stillness in a clear pool of water,
But not the mirror. I do not want to have an image.
I do not want to be the tree.
I do not want to be the book or the fading picture.
I want to be the roots from which they came.

In our next life
I want to be bygone air, inhaled
and shaped in your lungs.

Ellis holding freedom ain’t what it seems
but you were full of such imaginative things
passing in the hallways all the vagrants stopped to whisper

Say that girl’s going to live inside an american dream
pen and paper wind set to sweep her out to sea at ten

And so she believed them
she made up a name for herself and set sail to dock
there is nothing as free as a blank page
but just before her name could hit the wave
a man came along, said he knew all about the land of the brave

And when he looked at her, she never felt so seen
he felt all of her and still had himself to gain
and in ship’s night they’d stare up at the empty sky
dreaming up his life

Said he’d take her to the city
let the lights fill her sky
teach her the maps he’d memorize

And so she believed him
going around the streets she hid behind him
did away with herself and gained a half hearted love
and for a time half can be enough
it’s always that way when you’ve never had love to start

But it’s so hard to be in love when you’re the only one to lose themselves
lose your american dreams in sacrifice to the real thing
what an unimaginable fate

So the girl grows old
built his house and his home
and never did write all her pen paper dreams
but at least she had half a heart
even if it wasn’t hers
i guess ellis holding freedom ain’t what it seems

There once was a priest
who went around taking up the winter collections
he had all the people remove their hearts
and he placed them in his basket

At the altar the priest gave them his holy water to soak up
and he kept them there till spring

The end of mass came with church bell’s ring
heartless, we all got up to leave
careful with our new troubles in being
with hearts gone all things go unfeeling
and all you can do is look out the window
and wait for spring

I’ve been feeling so small
feet took the best of me
and i didn’t want to tell you
but i thought my flowers were poison
and i thought that’s why he didn’t pick me

But i’ve been feeling so different lately
i stopped fearing the best of me
and i’ve been meaning to tell you
i think that’s why he didn’t pick me

Sun so high
i’m going to be carried away in the breeze
nature’s new lover
what a buzzing full song

I’ve been feeling too floral for the trees
i’ve learned to love me
and i guess i just told you
i don’t need you to pick me

Let my roots grow deep into the earth
let my blooms grow on
consumed by the green
i have love for the butterflies and bees

And i can grow up endlessly
leaves to scrape the sky
i’m going oh so high
and i’m going to be carried away in the arms of my lover’s breeze

The boy with curly hair
a temporary decoy
guitar gone ecstasy, chords ring out
broke and hollow fears, gone before they could destroy

Let off at the brook
catching feelings off the hook
**** my freezing heartless feet
they’ll drown in the dream of maybe

‘Cause either i’m deadly
or i wanted to die
either i’m deadly
or i wanted to die

Love me as your’s and i’ll meet you at mine

Show up on stage
and i’ll be sure to fantasize
one look in the crowd and one in the eye
play for them and pretend for me

I’ll become the fantasy
you’ll want the flowers i bring for the end
a temporary decoy all too easily
either i’m deadly
or i wanted to die
either i’m deadly
or i wanted to die