Loneliness.

Perhaps
Nothing lasts forever

Like aged cheddar
Or hoppy ales
There’s a bitter bite
To the taste.

But so smooth
Like rich cream
Or thick yogurt
It just slides on in

It festers and grows
Like **** kombucha
Or dry aged steak
It just gets stronger…

And if I knew about
This three course meal
I’d have done so much more
To make you want to stay.

I spend a lot of time alone
Lonely
Stoney
Home
Drone
Tangents and vowels
Bowels
Scowls
How's
Thou
Crown
**** I’m losing it
****
Gnaw my self off to escape this trap

I’ve cursed my father
May he rot in his oversized grave.
For what else can a son do
When dignity requires enmity.

I’ve cursed God
May it rot in its ****** tomb.
For what else can a man do
When suffering becomes ingrained.

I’ve cursed myself
May I rot in my muddy hole.
For else can I do
When cowardice causes such shame.

We fight daily wars
And it changes us
The fight to survive and pretend to thrive
Buy and buy
How much for your time?
Your day or year
At least they buy yours
At least you get to pick your cage.

The house and the fence
Porches and pets
Maybe love.

And that should be enough
You must not be greedy
See how they give to needy
See how the pleading stirs their soul
And aren’t you thankful
For all that you have.

I want to consume
Food, flesh
The toxic fumes of burnt plants
I’m like a vortex
Swirling and roiling with such fury
The only path
Is inward

Fall ******* life from the world
Entropy become personified
Gaping maw of
Desire

How many times have I drowned?
My nature is to be empty
Forming the gradient of emotion flow
That frog is my will to resist
Endlessly stung by the scorpion
My weakness.

Flat
Lacking.
The ache inside is
Breaking along the lines where
My hope was shattered by fear of fruits gathered in
Defiance of my downward guidance or
Search for a chance at
Vibrance
Love.

Mine is a head of many hats
Some flattering
And some not
.
Pacifist and fighter
Specialist and generalist
.
But none has brought more pride
And more pain
Than wearing the hat of the lover.

To exist with such truth
Of heart's chipped tooth
Broken on the stone
Thrown from lunar throne
The ache does not abate
Though forward time’s gait.

It’s been years, but your face
Still haunts.

We change and grow.
Strange is the flow
And range of our glow

Dim to bright to dim
Grin to fright to grin

And why must fear be so powerful
In my life
I’m afraid of the strife
Brought by progress in time
Brought by foot steps through grime.

So I search for that other
Looking for what will smother
That deepest darkness

As if that would work.

I don’t think psychopaths
Can appreciate riding a motorcycle.
Not really, anyway.
There’s too much emotion
In the grinding of metal
On the pavement.
Too much disappointment
In the missed apex
Too much joy
In the pull from a stop.

Love your two wheeled brethren
And rest assured in the knowledge
That they can and do, love you.

The fickle nature of reality
Surprises me
The moon sliding past the horizon
Shattered my world

Memory of a hard soul
Frozen by such a long winter
Brittle as thin ice
Gravity of her near approach…

The earth shook
The sky became firm
The waters rebelled

Because we live such
Brief lives
We fail to see the
Impact our heavy
Footfalls leave

And so the arrow
Strikes low
The future flows for feeble
Wisdom

“You can’t have your spirit broken
If you have no spirit”
Wisdom
Because what am I fighting for?
Or better, what is there to fight for?

Legacy is just vanity
Success is just greed
Making the world better…. For who?
Truth, justice, and freedom are social constructs

Purpose, spirit, resolve
Just hollow comfort in a world
Full of apathy
Or empty of everything…

Prey
Hunting vantages
Mates

All there is to know
Reflected in Hawk's eye

The arrow took it in the heart.

Softly
Like wind's remnants on the forest floor
Or dew dropping from leaf's tip

Loudly
Like ocean waves crashing on defiant rocks
Or summer thunderstorms raking the plains

Passionately
Like the bird sings in the morning
Or the argument between lovers

Don’t miss the chance
It may only come once.

Don’t look away
When the man weeps
When the woman dies
When the child wails
When the dog whines

Cruelty is the universe moving
Suffering is the feeling of life

Don’t look away
Into the happy times
Into the fearful memory
Into the conceited depression
Into the fake gods

You can’t escape your fate
You won’t evade death.

And then I was alone
With all my things
Accumulated like a bird’s feathers
They allow flight and
Attempt to attract mates.

But it never works
Flightless
Mateless
And obscured by these feather-like
Possessions.

I laid there…
Eyes closed
Blissful in the knowledge
That my future sped out of reach
My past slowly growing
Warmth spread in my chest
Each beat
Slower now.

The stop was painful
The beat more so
And though I deserved
That end
The beat continued
Once more my future
Receded to my grasp.

It’s been over a year
Since I told her I wouldn’t
Play second fiddle.

I still think of her
Every day it’s the same thought
Should I ask how she is?

And I genuinely hope
That she is doing well
And doesn’t feel the pain of loss.

But I secretly hope
That she misses me like I miss her
And thinks of me everyday.

In the silt with the rot
Like such guilt shame begot

The grey black brown mud
Cakes and stains my mind
Finding purchase within me
******* the life into muck.

“**** it, let it burn”
Words whispered while
The man drowns in
Still waters.

And then I found myself atop the mountain
Overlooking the vastness of reality before me

The lung hale
The eye saw
The nose scent

But that cliff dropped away when my balance did sway
And the gall of gravity’s fall made small the world’s pall.
And the spit hit my bit lip and tongue ground grit.

And…
I don’t know how the future be
Or holds
But I’m eager to get over it
And see.

That power pole is leaning hard
It’s like the tilt of a dog’s head as it considers something.
Or the way she leans against my car
Or the way I bunch forward to lament her lean.

I can’t unsee that obtuse incline
I can’t internalize it less.
I hope that ******* pole falls.

Blood
******* blood staining my…
…shirt of ideals.
Falling from lips swollen with
…Excitement…
Masticating the fleshy arguments of
**** poetry elites
Is as messy as defecating on
The memory of the fake God.

Knives and nukes dropped on
Wrists and books of your weak holy.
And the flavor….
Oh the flavor…..
Seasoned so liberally with those
Deliciously salty tears….

I can smell your blood from across the world
Wounded as you are.
There are the prey and there are the hunters
And there are the warriors.
I think your public weeping and snapping betray
Which of those three you embody

This is not gloating or a threat of violence
This is the statement of place.
Mind yours.

The sun and other stars shine dimly
Compared to the laser of your curiosity.

And I’ve felt that burning point on my skin,
That warmth building to unbearable heat.

Ultimately leaving my charred remains
In the smoldering pile of my failure.

And I would gladly burn alive for you
If it meant you were happy with me.

I still think of you when I wake up every morning
It’s been over a year and the ripples of pond stones
Tossed into my serene still bounce my boat thoughts
And it’s ******* pathetic to admit but I’m just so sad
That you’re not with me but I still see you all the time
You look happy, happier than me at the very least.

I got promoted, I’ll be traveling more now
I bought a motorcycle to go fast and have fun
I got into more rap and edm, horizons expanding
Life is do good right now, really good
But I feel exactly the same as I did the day I said
“I can’t do this”

I got promoted so you would see me
I bought a motorcycle to look cool to you
I got more into the music you like
I day dream about you saying “let’s try again”

And how ******* pathetic is that?
You never loved me
I was a place you’d go to When the man you loved
Was ******* his other girlfriends in your bed.
And you pretended you didn’t care
As if I could fill that painful hole for you.

The blood Stark red against the snow
Tells a story of battle
Or slaughter.
No bodies or limbs
No gore or anything
Just blood and disturbed snow.
Blue cold clashing with warm sunset.

My heart is the still full box
Of cookies left on the counter
In the office kitchen with the
Sticky note on it that says
"Please help yourself"

But no one does and they
Grow stale.
People turn their noses up
At the idea of taking a cookie
Thinking to themselves
"There's a reason no one is eating those"

Dark eyes compel me to act
Rash without fact and tact.

Pulse and life quicken within
That memory of sin and gin

And then death
Because end
Is absolute.

A good night’s sleep
Alongside a loved other
Unmarred by expectations
Unmolested by human minds
Moonlight and soft breath
Dreams and thoughts
Soft whir of a fan
Drawn down
Until…

The soaring highs ring hollow
Through this speaker
But the lows are richly decadent.

Lately this speaker has preferred lows
The highs just don’t persist like they do
From other speakers.

Perhaps it’s easier to produce those highs
With a matched stereo second speaker
Where one falters, the other supports.

And isn’t it just this speaker’s luck
To have its matched stereo second spoken for
Sounds and lives are just peaks and troughs.

This time of year always hits me
Like a stone in the gut
All the smiling happy faces and stories
Of romantic fluff

And in those lowest moments
I swear I can see
The bottom of that hole, rising
Rising up to swallow

I’ve given my all to this
Ridiculous life
This constant battle against strife
And my bones will fall

Fret not for the coming of day
I pretend to say
As if the night had a loose grip
The darkness would let slip…

To all those who scoff at Valentine’s Day
For being overly materialistic
I would like to say go **** yourself.
I’d love to have a companion to spend money on
To shower with materials and love.
I don’t need to hear you flex your
Romantic privilege.

Do you think I’m worth saving?
Could I convince you?
How much does it cost to save
a life, or how much
Is a stone cold heart actually…

To the ground and drown in your “realism”
Pessimistic dismissal of moon shot missiles
Just because your lust for more bit the dust.

Show me that drive to rise free of worry's ties
Let me see your grit when your lip gets split
By the bones raining down like so many stones

And who cares if you stumble on the stairs?
It’s not like there’s no hand rail
It’s not like the vapid, energy sapping, yappers
Have a real hold on those ideals unsold.

Rise strong.

Something's sharp in my sock
Painfully poking me with every step
I thought it was a forward progress thing
But when I took a step back
It was still there.

So I stripped off my sole
Peaked inside that cloth membrane
And pulled out that **** nail

The way her jaw curves to that chin that borders those wide lips smiling mischievously in my memory…
Stabs me right in the movement
So I carefully put my shoe back on
Stamped down hard
Relished in the pain of her memory
And continued with my day

Love
Too on the nose, right?
Poetry is supposed to be written
By tortured souls with esoteric leanings and
Only ever alluding to the idea
That all they need is
Love

And from the sky came rain
Not voices
No angels or demons
No face in the clouds
Just rain
Dampening sound from scream let free
Frustration given the reigns
But he's still alone
And the sky doesn't give a ****.

Raised voices and red tinted eyeballs
Burning water and bitter seasoning
Like the fake Christ on that real cross, I open arms
And transmute alcohol to blood
Spit from split lip and broken nose…
Rage and rage and where the ****
Is my phone?
Is my girl?
Is my god ****** shot of whiskey?!
No matter how many teeth leave their
Mark on my knuckles
It's all still lost to the lung tongue or back of throat stung.

There must be tar in my lungs
Not because I used to smoke
Not because I breath fire at the feckless
But words keep sticking in my throat

Only the really big ones though
Not because they're long, they're not
Not because they're rare, they're not
But they're heavy and easy to stick

I wish I could say…

Cigarettes and bleach
Scents both clashing and fitting.

When life's continuance
Is the cleaning of
Public spaces

When wages wilt
The satisfaction
Of a job well done

Why wouldn't you
Ruin your lungs
A slow death made faster
A tortured life made shorter.

The throat choked by quotes from old poets
Grows dry and hoarse
Old words do that
Dusty and crusty
Musty and rusty

Soothe your throat with that
New style rap
And let your mind
Flap free from the
Constraints of tradition.

That avalanche of *******
You call living day to day
With empty eyes and arms sliced
Blades
Blood
Bury your ******* dreams
In the back yard of that corporation
That office full of death and undeath
Those wise words wishing well
On your descent up the ladder.
Life lived like loss and happiness offset.

You think I want just
Another piece of ***
As if the beast inside has
Taken my mind.

I want the certainty
Of that Phoenix rise
That peace of mind
That knowing “she is mine” provides.
Not a possession, but just that
You're satisfied with my presence

When ice finally covers the earth
And life's last light winks out
I’ll still be the luckiest man to have lived
For having known your warmth.

I just wish I could get you out of my head
And I’m terrified of moving on from you
Because how could I reach a higher peak?
And how devastating would a fall from such height be?

In the pure light of the moon
I am reminded that I am alone.
Warm breath blows in the chill air
And the sound reminds me of her.
Quiet
Presence
Heart beat

I can't decide if I miss you desperately
Or just hate being alone.
But your smile
Still haunts my
Closed eyes.

Breaking glass and crushing stone
Anger’s mask with irritation’s bone
I'll be crass and make insult moan
And bask in that defiant groan.

Curse the world and let it burn
With offense hurled and faces stern
Lips down curled from opined slur
Let flags furl and fill future's urn.

I don’t care for your stupid glare
Or superior air, go back to your lair
And never share that seed with a pair
My mind's a solar flare to your bargain bin brain fair.

When it all goes to **** and the skit
Calls for your respite, are you going to be there
For the bare skinned hanging mid-air
By fingers gripping wet wasp stingers
Getting pelted by insult slingers?

Or will you hide from those stones and venom
Let slide the froze-to-bone, not help ‘em

The onlookers lovingly smile as I plummet.

There's something missing here.

You see me now
An obelisk
Rising over the barren battlefield of old
A relic of wars past
Or was it that other thing
In which all thing's fair?