I don’t know if you’re the ocean or the sky
I don’t know if I’m a fish or a bird
All the same as I swim or drift hopelessly
In your lofty invisible love
Do you caress me back intuitively
Or is this just the ebbing of my own tides
All the same as the panging waves take over
Burying me in the silence.

On this crossroad of me and you
I still decided to leave
To keep on going on my own
Because I knew I have passed by you long ago
I knew on this one way street of fallen and regrown dreams weathered and used
The only way back to you
Is for the unforeseeable curvature of time
To wind us back
Unexpectedly
Unlikely
Yet, completely fatefully
Till we start our old journey together
Anew.
Heading back to the happier place we once knew.

(Perhaps the road isn't in the shape of a mourning cross,
perpendicular to me and you,
parallel to other dreams lost and killed,
But in the shape of a heart,
Through the curves and ebbs
It will always bring me back to you.)

Oh
how I wish
you love me just as much as I love you.
But I am just burning for you
Like a candle lit lamp under the sun.

We struggle everyday in this nightmare of living,
only to wake up to another dream after death.

When you don't speak
I can hear your every thought
                       How frightening!

I showed you the way to my soul,
Hoping you would walk right in,
And indulge in all the little hidden
Presents I have planted for you
In my long unoccupied garden of love,
That yearned to be seen.  
But you found no urgency to enter
No need and no desire to knock.
Is it because you thought
I would always be right here
At the gates, keeping it wide open
Waiting to give you everything,
As soon as you asked?

But you never did.

So losing faith, and losing heart
I finally decided to shut it down
completely.
Hoping you would finally be intrigued
By the sudden closed doors
And finally be lead by your regretful curiosity
To knock, and inquire
What was hidden deep within.
What treasures could have been yours to
Take.
And keep.


(But most likely,
You would still hide away quietly
In your cozy little cabin of safety,
At most,
Only occasionally peering distantly from within,
Never taking the risk to leave.
Never taking the risk of a prickle or a sting
From plucking and holding even the most beautiful things
From my youthful affections in its zealous Spring. )

If we clash
We would both break apart
Let me shine with you
            From afar

I will be your last leaf
Until it falls on the eighth day

I will be your crescent moon
Until it falls into the
Midnoon waves

I will be your lighthouse
Until all land becomes
The sea

I will be your smile
Until every smile
Dies away

I will be your tea
Until the world
Only drinks coffee

I will be your silence
Until the world only
Speaks French
And all voices fade away.

You had friends, not many, but
still, you had friends. You were
happy, felt mature and never
worried about anything, but
recently you seem to be moving
backwards, walking in the wrong
direction. You shed your friends
like you shed your dead skin cells.
You are growing backwards even, you
are becoming a whiny, jealous,
insecure, and self aware toddler;
everything looks to harm you, and
you are afraid even daddy and mommy
won't love you anymore or just
you've grown so old that their love
for their baby has diminished to a
critical point where the care and
attention you now desperately need
are no longer an option.


You feel horribly lonely, but in
isolation, who cares, who will hear
you. No one, you are dead inside,
but you are afraid of ****** death,
for even in heaven, you are afraid
you will be alone. But, how can you
live when you don't even feel your
own breath, let alone anyone
else’s. You don't scream, don't
want to scream, don't need to
scream, NO ONE will HEAR YOU.
You are dead and alive, you are invisible.

I am struggling to wake up from this nightmare of living,
only to live another dream after death.

My love for you didn't perish
In our clash of silent indifference
That devoured me whole
Instead I became the moon
Tirelessly revolving around you
Giving you light when your sun is too weary to
And hiding in the dark at your brightest,
Afraid to steal any light away from you.
Still, I have always been here for you
Whether or not you knew.

I filled your absence with neverending thoughts of you.

Still
From Me to You

You are the sweetest dreams in my sleepless nights

You are my untouchable muse, though I have felt all of life through you

Still

I swim insignificantly among your vast ocean love

Still

I see you everywhere, but you are nowhere to be found

Still

I will always love you like a stubborn child, foolishly faithful

Even though I am just burning for you
Like a candle lit lamp under the sun

Still

I'd rather be your eternal shadow than the momentary sunshine.

Still

I will always love you.

I was the invisible child hollow
Fragile with a glass shell
Until you came by
Filled me with honey
And all the colors I would ever need.

Till I was content,
Till I was fulfilled.

But then,
Abruptly
At my happiest
At my fullest
You vanished.

In sadness, in grief, in mourning
I withered, gradually
The coldness and wintry grips
Shattered me

All the sweetness left me;
All the colors faded and seeped.

Now I am just shards trying to rebuild myself
Complete

Savoring what little trace of the honey that's still clinging on to me

So that when I am ready to be filled again
So that when you finally come around again

I could still be yours to keep.

Even though you are away
I will still stay
Waiting for that one inevitably unexpecting day
When you mindlessly pass my way
And finally,
Abruptly,
Steal my wanderlust soul astray.

There is a gust of silence
            Outside my window
                Calling my name
                Wondering how much
                .               I'm missing you.

I wish I never moved in too close,
that there were still a distance between us,
for me to feel that pull of my soul.

Written and translated by: Yue Xing **** Yitkbel

Originally in Chinese as lyrics on:

August 19, 2020

Translated into English on:

August 22, 2020


I


The wise man in the desert

Watches over the child

In the fields of gold.

The child in the fields of gold

Gazes at the zealous youth

At the foot of the mountain,

Climbing, climbing, climbing.

Wanting to bask untamed

Right beneath the fiery sun,

Wanting to tame the quiet moon

Crush it beneath his feet.

The feat of man.

The support and brace

Of morality and faith

To them are shackles

That must be freed.


II


As they roared:

Be reborn, nature!

Nature of man!

As they bellowed:

Go rebel, desires!

Desires of the self!

“Doesn’t the world cease to exist

Without the observer who is ‘I’”?

“I close my eyes and all living

To me met their timely demise”.


REFRAIN:


The wise man said nothing,

And the child wondered:

You who perceive yourselves

Collectively no less than Zeus,

Why gift yourselves the fate

Of Sisyphus?

Don’t you know that even time

Must melt away?

And yet there you are worshiping,

Keeping in dust as your

Salvation and eternal faith.

The rolling stone you’ll never eternally own.


III


Like ants upon an anthill,

At the crossroad of humanity,

Under the gas lamps still,

Quenched the humble fire with vanity,

Enlightened by tungsten’s burst,

Inaugurated Man “King of the Universe”.


REFRAIN:


The philosopher hovered away.

The poet sighed but stayed.

You all perceive yourselves

Collectively no less than Zeus,

Yet gave yourselves the punishment

Of Sisyphus!

Don’t you know that even time

Must melt away?

And yet there you are worshiping,

Keeping in dust as your

Salvation and eternal faith.

The rolling stone you don’t eternally own.


IV


Time grew, aged and will soon melt away!

The world leap or falter illusions must fade.

As the rolling snow boulder melts away,

Did you lose or gain in the spring days?


-Those who climbed the snowy peaks

Are now losing losing all in the decay;

Those who sown in the eternal pasture

Are now reaping reaping joyfully away.-


REFRAIN:


The kings wail and weep,

The believers rejoice in the days.

With great irony the Zeus of today,

Confined themselves to Sisyphus’ fate.

They don’t believe that even time

Must melt away,

So they worship and praise,

Keep in dust as all the

Salvation and faith,

The rolling stone they want to eternally own.


V


What hope we used to keep!

Humbly cradled in the eternal dream!

Yet we were lured to think ourselves wise;

A cluster of ants fighting to be lords of flies.

Perceiving dust as above unseeable souls,

Willingly, our rotting stones up a steep hill roll.

Boasting our strength, status, height of place,

While mocking modesty’s unseeming grace.

Unaware of the coming crushing weight,

As the uphill stone tumbles back to base.


Ever evading us,

Ever escaping us,

Ever the ennui


Of “Man: Controller of the Universe”

Ever confined to mere dust and earth.

Self-imposed exile, had the wayward son forgot,

The once great purpose? Now all for naught?


“Meaningless! Meaningless!”

“We are headed to nowhere!”

When the stranger to strange tides,

Kills, hides, and pretends to be the guide.


REFRAIN:


Matter ever shifts,

The soul never ceases.

With great irony the Zeus of Man’s beginning,

Brought themselves to Sisyphus’ end.

They don’t believe that even time

Must melt away,

So they worship and praise,

Keep in dust as all the

Salvation and faith,

The rolling stone they think they eternally own.


VI


Sweeping beneath the fog

Of the overturning dusk,

Endless, ceaseless dust

Engulfed the roller till naught.

Only the dreamer in the fields

To the invisible eternal yields.


Bewildered by the shadows,

Darkness of humanity’s days,

Only those who never forgot the hidden light

Can find the gate above without fear or fright.


Everlasting in the decay.

Peaceful in the destruction.

Must not be bound,

Must not be bound,

Must not be bound,

By a boulder of dust,

By a mountain of mud.

The invisible never caused me alarm.

So they have mounts of gold without end.

So they keep the sands of time within hands.

So they must ever dread and fear as it slips away,

Dust to dust without a trace.


VII


But we, we melt away the mockery with faith,

And lead the way with bolts of love and grace,

Back home to Eternity’s Gate!

If the Earth vanishes
The sun still rises
But, what about the moon;
I am lost in orbit without you.

Why must I swim like an empty vessel,
A lost boat among your vast ocean love,
When I can be your Lighthouse,
Unnoticed, insignificant
But forever caressing you and
Watching over you from afar.

Sometimes I think,
You speak to me through my own thoughts.

I will always love you like a stubborn child, foolishly faithful.

Have you ever dreamt of the ocean
And then being presented with a plate of fish
Have you ever dreamt of an old friend
And then welcomed them at your door
The very next day
Have you ever left a place of comfort
In search of better dreams
Only to find that you still remain there
Within your dream of a dream
And could only find comfort in
Returning to the same old place
In the sleep of real life

Have you ever dreamt of love that filled your Whole being with a sweet essence that lasts
The entire enchanted day
And wondered if it was
Mutual longings

I have mastered the skill to predict reaching messages from an old friend
By the reunions in my dreams
Since she always reconnect with me
The very next day
And
Always took hints from my dreams
On what to write
What to say
Or even what to do

I live in another sentient world
In my dreams
A world not like
Yet not unlike ours
A world beyond the mirror.
A world perhaps beyond
The reflective fabric of our own reality.

(Dream is a mirror that goes both ways, and like a mirror, when you know what to do with it, you can use it to your own advantage. And it works very well too.)

My soul is a love song written in a language
Only you can understand
Sang in a frequency
Only you can receive.
And I know
You heard it loud and clear.

I have had my bones chipped away from me,
Have had my share of physical and emotional pain,
But those pain subsided in a week's reign,
Yet,
I am still here,
Crying over the loss of thee.

Give your silence to me
           Let me exchange them for
                            The most honest words:
                            
My unyielding love for you to keep
                            Safe and eternally

How much poetry live within me

Or am I merely a vessel

That has to be loaded and unloaded

To not waste away under the calm wind

And sink to a weighted depth of silent

And unfulfilled dreams


Yet what is the use

Carrying a soul from an unwritten land

To an unread land

Both dotted with footprints of past voyageurs

But no path or end in sight


Perhaps I am destined to be an unnamed pilgrim

That treads upon and whose marks will be tread upon

The wasteland of hapless ambitions

Transforming it into a garden of everlasting

Love, freedom, and hope


There,

You may find me one day

Though you will not know it

Nor will I

Within a petal of the rose

A dust in the dew

The wings of a honeybee


And if you look closely,

Listen closely

Within the laughing wind

As the gale brings all of us

Across the sea

Carrying vessels after vessels

From dream to dream

I just want to be the little secret
That never makes into your words,
But fills up your mind.

Draw me with a pencil
Erase me when you leave

Color me with chalks
Wash me away when you leave

Hum me with a mindless tune
Forget me when you leave

Build me with dust and rain
Break me when you leave

But never ever leave
Because,
Without you, I'd rather cease to be.

I am not afraid of loving you
I am not afraid of losing your love
But I am afraid of losing my love for you,
And hereafter,
Forever be numb.

But not wandering lost
Not hopefully lost
But completely lost
Till I can find myself no longer.
Merely exists, merely acts.
No questions, no answers.
No thoughts, no fear, no love.

Send your love to exile,
If it is true,
It would be sure to return.

I wonder
(If my keyboard loved my mouse too)
By: Yue ****, July 23, 2015
I wonder if 21 grams is really the weight of our soul
I wonder if that’s why when I saw her
I wanted to leave, but couldn’t go
I wonder if it attracts by gravity
Or some other magnetic fields
I wonder if our soul is not actually alone, but
A million components with a billion views
Each attracts to its own
Soul to soul

I wonder if beauty is a factor too
Like her kindness, and her introvert withhold
I wonder if that’s what makes Andromeda spin
The universe filled with the mass of our souls

I wonder if my keyboard love my mouse too
Perhaps, the bond was broken when
She went away too, after he bid adieu.

I hid my love behind a wall of silence,
Lest my heart hears it,
and in its unrest,
frighten yours away.

When you were here,
I stayed because I needed you.
Now that you are gone,
I still remain,
Not because I long for what is left of my world,
But because one day, you might need me,
And when that day comes,
I would already be there for you.

I once desired to reach the highest of heights
By the shortest route and using the shortest time
But now,
I take my time to be timeless.

I know I can't love you with words.
Sending out tattered lines into the waves,
In green lit bottles fit for the drunken sea,
Wrapped with hope stained rags of my soul,
Never to be seen again.

Shall I try loving you with silence?
Perhaps then you can finally
Hear your heart's whispers,
Scattered among the stars,
Singing with the cicadas.
When they've reached the moon-
The wisps of their forgetful voices-
They'll float back down,
In the silver beams of time softened light,
As seeds of dust sown,
For another dream.

My love for you didn't perish
In our clash of silent indifference
That devoured me whole
And tore me apart from you
Instead
In our departure
I became the moon
Forever separated by a force of unrequited attraction
And pushed and pulled by the invisible strings of tidal longings
That never bring me close enough to you
Yet
I tirelessly revolve around you
To give you light when your sun is too weary to
And hide in the dark at your brightest,
Afraid to steal any light away from you.
I have always been here for you
Whether or not you knew.
Whether or not you loved me too.

You are the sweetest dreams in my sleepless nights.

Have you ever loved someone
Not for their love
But their inability to love
Or be loved.

You finally want to give someone
Your everything
Only to realize
You have nothing to give
And they don't know how to accept
Anything

And so
Two desperately loud souls
Suffer
In complete
Silence.

If eternity left a door open for you, would you let curiosity take hold of you, step out, and rush into the storm of time, of humanity?

And would you be back?


I knew neither the moon nor the sun
And night never showed his face.

1.

The day was the keeper of this place;
Keeping the dome clean and round,
So not a speck of star can be found.
Of course, this is me speaking in the future
Of the past;
Unlike in Time, this is a fertile pasture
Only of earth and not dust:

---

I wouldn't have known the moon,
I wouldn't have known the stars,
If not for the gate at the end of the path.

2.

So how should I describe the color of the sky,
That sunless, endless shimmering domed light
If the brilliance of opal, and mother of pearl
Magnified a thousand, a million, a billion times
It's soft pink, mystic green, royal blue and purple
Melt into the beauty of life, erase all sorrow
And leaving only a dreamy field of coral

---

As you float
As you float
Ever away
Ever away
From the shores of troubles

3.

“If there's no night, is there morrow?”
“Is there sleep, are there dreams?”
You seem to wonder about these things
What's a dream to someone who's within?
The peace never cease, therefore never change
So weariness would seem rather strange
It'd be hard to fathom these feelings

---

If not for me experiencing
If not for me experiencing
Before my wandering

4.

Wandering from my garden
My garden of love
My home: my oak tree with canopy high above
My fruit of life, my sweetest peach grove-
Except for my ever following dove-
My four fields of sunflowers, lilies, aster, barley
My four rivers of this little valley of plenty

---

These things I have left behind
To wander beyond the desert
Into the labyrinth of time

5.

The gate has always been open
So when did I get curious, and why
Was it always ajar, curiosity wide
There has always been spiritful wind
But in the garden never with rain
Softly singing and never howling
And I didn't understand the darkness I was seeing

---

Like a stranger on strange tides
Here's what I remember
Here's what I could define

6.

The paved crystals end at the divide
There's only dull stones on the other side
Barefoot I naively and confidently stride
That's when I learned what sand feels like
Are stars innumerable as sand
Or sand innumerable as the universe is grand?
It's as if I stepped on the planets then galaxy’s bend

---

So much dust
So much dust
Would I be buried alive?

7.

My home I have left far behind
Leaving a small window of light
Would I remember what it was like
Would I ever return with or without a guide
When the sand have blanketed over
All traces, all paths and even the light
Everything of mine is getting heavier it seems like

---

As it rains
As dust and sand seep into my veins
I am learning of discomfort and pain

8.

Even though this was a storm of sand,
Still the least strange of this wonderland,
Now that I have seen the brightest and darkness
Of emptiness and shadows
The barest barren and greenest meadows
Summit of stones, pines, snow capped might
Still the golden dunes I most like

---

Like heaps of stars below the sky
Like heaps of stars above the sky
You have see it to know what it's like

9.

The desert never seems to have an end
I wondered if this was going to be my land
My untillable land of moonlight, stars, dust and sand
And I hungered, I hungered
For my home as I knew not this oasis of man
So I walked and walked,
I knew not what else I can-

---

As I wandered on
As I rambled on
I saw something on the horizon

10.

Preserved by a crown of rosemary and thyme
A little wooden sign wrote Pasture of Time
What beautiful and leisurely grass to remind
Remind me of my home, my Garden of Love and Life
There are no true residents here, only travelers
Well maybe except for the sky’s butlers
Three archers playing below the curve

---

Red cape for the soaring clouds of day
Yellow toga to curb the fierce noon rays
Blue dress accentuate the moon’s grace

11.

These three, guarded the wanderers of a thousand faces
They are always changing and I wondered if I am the same
As the dust piled on me, some stayed
Some fell, some shifted in place
And I'm being directed to head in one way
The tour would end at the faraway gate

---

Even through all these plights
My dove never took flight beyond my sight
Ever faithful, darkness or light

12.

Since I'd probably be here for a while
I wouldn't mind these miles of trials
If the tame have never known the wild
Would he know if he's at peace or in denial
I'm just afraid of falling in love with what I can't keep
When I leave this plain
I want leave the pain

---

And not fall for some illusions beyond belief
That'll dissipate when I leave
That'll dissipate together with me when I keep
Emulating the transient things
And I become one with the wrong dream

13.

And all you strangers, you who roam
So very different from my friends at home
Why do your faces keep changing
Why are you always on route to leaving
Could one of you walk with me a little longer
So whatever changes I can at least remember
That's when I suddenly noticed her

---

But I'm not ready to cross the threshold of hurt
Give it all to human nature
What would it be like, to be any other:

i.

The Eagle:

When the sky was low
I never envied the eagle
And still, though it floats
High above the bees, the ants
The earth, the dust, and sand
The dandelions, the foxtails, fig trees
In the meadows

It'll just take the emperor’s new clothes
Of praises and wear it proud with illusive boasts
But what's the use when we all know
It'll never traverse more free
Through immaterial dreams
Nor soar above the stars
Nor bring news from the future or the past

The eagle is still just like us
The eagle is still just as lost

ii.

The Bees

And what about the bee that never asks
What's at the end of work, end of the path
The queen bee was born to be
Not something to be dreamed
So it restlessly toils away
We are already here, might as well stay
So they reason, and so they agree

But what do some say
About the honey they make
They don't believe in that changeless place
I've retained in my mind however vague
They say, they say
They are for whoever will replace
All of us at the end of our days

If not for a journey faraway
When we escape this maze
If we will cease, only dust stays
It'll surely be a waste
So then what's the point of bees and being
What's the point of bees and being
Anyways

iii.

The Ants

What's the vast to an ant
If we barely brace the land
We count the stars thousands times as grand
As brilliant beach of unreachable cosmic sands
We see the lights that dot the sky
As not much different than high flying fireflies
These are the white lies of white nights

When ants can't see the truth of the sky
When ants can't see the starry sky
And think of ourselves kings of everything in flight
And think of ourselves kings of life
When only to dust and shadows can we say we're bright

The existent non-existence is the ant's plight
It's our plight
So we endure gladly, only few understand why

iv.

Meadows

When we are pushed along a path
By false ambition, fate or lust
Even if we're never lost
What happens when we reach the top
A cliff always has a drop
If only there aren't such a curvature
To what we hold dear and yearn

If love is “truly patient and never boast”
How fertile and green would be its
Eternal meadow
The beauty of an endless plateau
Fields of purple irises and marigolds
If this lasts forever, where would it hide,
The shadow loving woes

Never in the meadow
Where the sun would expose
These dark and gloomy foes

v.

Dandelions in the Morning

Such fragile dreams in the youth of being
Such lofty wings in the youth of dreams
It comes and goes on a whim
So easily broken
Yet so resiliently woven
So you would think it went with the wind
Never to return and never again seen

And one day,
So suddenly
All you hear are the yellow flowers singing
In that field you never found promising
Now blanketed with snowing dancing wings

The dandelions of youthful dreams
The dandelions of youthful dreams
The dandelions of youthful dreams

vi.

Reeds at the Dusk

So you are, at the end of your path
The sky is veiled by a dusky mask
And the threads of reed sewn across
Obscure where you're going
And where you are
Would you be lost
To the waves or to the dust

But there is a compass in your heart
And you have been there before in the past
So have faith you'll find your home at
That timeless hut
Beyond the reeds at dusk
Beyond the reeds at dusk
Beyond the reeds at dusk

vii.

Fig Trees of Midnight

I see so faintly the shape
Through midnight’s blue drape
The contour of a fig tree
So I believe I have sown
But the flowering we can't always see
So would I be reaping the fruits of a dream
Or would I be reaping the futility of a dream

Oh, have faith
Have faith
When you can't see it
Doesn't mean it isn't flowering
When the sun is hid
The moon is still reflecting
You can't forsake before you've gone all the way

You never know
How it'll go
Figs of Midnight
Figs of Midnight
Might taste just as sweet

14.

What a lovely scene nature paints
But these are such transient things
I'm afraid I can't bring
Them back to my cabin
Back to my little plain
Would my faith dove remain
The only one following

---

Ever following
Ever following
Ever following

15.

I was so speaking
When I saw a light, a dream
What a wonder of a being
I have never seen smiles of lightning
Eyes shaped like crescent moons
Within which a billion stars pool
Is this why I was destined to arrive in time

*

To bring your soul with mine, my dove by my side
Back to my Garden of Love and Life
My Garden of Love and Life
Because clearly you are and you're meant to be,
So thinly veiled by the dust of temporary things
A being, even in this earth plane,
Helplessly shimmering with light

What if  only you have
Those memories
Moments of happiness
That were
Yet, could have never been

What if that's all you are
Goldfish of Time
Goldfish of Memories
Goldfish of existence
Once lost, once passed
Never to return,
Never to be remembered
Never to have existed.

I have fallen from this road that leads no where.
Hanging by a thread.
My hands are too full of loss to hold on.
But still I won't forget.
You were all that connected me to this world.
You and my regrets.
If I let go and let you go,
All dust would turn to death.

I must speak constantly
               Of my love for you proudly
                              In its truth and honesty

So that you never hear the doubting echoes
               Of your loud soul in its transparent self-reflectivity
               Within the glass walls of your silence

I used to see you every day
But I never knew your name
I always feared that one day you would get away
And nothing would ever be the same
Till I stumbled upon your name
In that receipt you stuck in my hand
Now at least I have your name
Even though you got away
I still write you love letters every day
Even if they are never read
They would still be yours to keep
Because all my love for you
Could write a long long book
And on the cover of it
Written in my heart and soul
Would be your name

Love that needs reciprocation is merely a tourist,
that goes away when interest fades.
True love is love that grows stronger
Especially in dismay.