A story of my own demise, the day I lost myself
An epiphany, a lightbulb in my head of the death
My heart, so fragile, unsure, an epiphany I thought
Love, this is it, I was awake, alive at last, but it was fear
The epiphany though, that love comes with it's opposite
You cannot have light without shadow
And just so with love, it's shadow is fear
The fear disappears by pointing the love at it
you cannot point darkness at the light to make it dissipate,
even a simple flashlight will tell you that
just as the shadows dance away when faced with the light
The fear cannot stand in the face of it's mortal enemy
When love and fear go to battle, we know which will win
Love is always stronger, just as the night shrinks back
from the light of the dawn, so the fear from my soul

I loved her.

Before I even gazed upon her

I loved her

Before I was even dazed by her words of splendour

I loved her

Not for her ability to
charm others
as even though she just as often harmed others

Not for her straightforward intelligence
for she shared a forward thinking
dissidence

And not for her beauty & majesty did I love her

Because not far from often, did she bring cruelty and calamity too others that I did love

And when I loved her, it wasn’t because of her bountiful spirit

For when one drove responsibility towards her
she was both accountable and idyllic
her innate strength insurmountable & prolific

And my love did not come from her humble yet dominating origins

Hunters and gatherers roaming in forests

Nor her families evolution, amongst changing nations
into cultural irrigation, harvesting & cultivation

Yet my love was neither superficial

wrought by a feverish desire for atypical minerals

As it is evident she grew up to live lavishly, as if she were a daughter of kings and pharaohs, emperors and regents

Far from superficial
it went beyond my own existence
‘tis was it deep

And watching her grow up
yet older and slowly darker
it flooded me with a sense of grief

For that was the only side she showed me, and allowed others to see

But beyond the seas and ravines, ridges & fjords, she beamed

And that is how it felt for a time
her happiness distant and far gone

Looking back it’s blatant she was far from dormant

But I believe during that time she was merely misled

It took time to connect her heart with her head

And for a time it seemed she was finally ready to proceed

And that was all but my dream
for her

But in my heart, I knew she would waver and ultimately capitulate towards the darker times

I think, even though she was mature and grown

not enough time separated her from her home

a family always wanting to dominate and roam

The precedence was set
The credulous to fret

And even though it’s in her nature to align with basic instincts

I awaited,
like those in scriptures
for a sign
that leads her to brighter precincts.

Of this hope

it was something I dreamt about
until I was left awoke

It was a scathing cycle, hopes festered
with a heart broke

And in the depth of my despair
I was still convinced,
that behind her “politics” & warring nature with others,

that the woman I loved & dreamt, was still there

And you know what?

She convinced me

Not deceitfully nor schemingly
but seemingly
through action

She was on a phase of exploration
visiting foreign nations
and establishing relations

Truth was
All of it was a ruse
corrupting & enslaving
it was just another way of experssing her roots

Since then, I’ve never been lead astray, I knew it was just one big game

Even though I never believed that’s who she wholly
was and is

I can’t help but fell this is the way it is

Her being at an unbeknownst
war with herself

One that expresses all she can be
charming, beautiful, full of majesty

That she is the most complex & admiring existence in this universe

And another of opposite birth

One that can be harming, full of cruelty and calamity

And of this side I fear brings the other to her knees

And it ladens me with tears

But of this side of her
I fail to recognise,
as the woman I loved,
and it’s the only failure
I won’t rectify

The woman I loved,
the beautiful glimpses of allure,
that sparks through the impure and demeaning

Is the only meaning I can find within myself to breathe

But I’m lost
Lost in her mystery
Lost in the past

Because, I don’t see her anymore
giving rise to my love in the past tense

For I don’t know where she lives or with whom she spend her time
with

But of the worst fear I hold within my heart
is that the woman I loved never existed to begin with

That the idea of her was just a figment
of my idealistic mind

That all these years,
I conjured a fallacy of this supposed
“Benevolent”
side of her
so I could forgive what she had
imposed

And that I believed & fought so fervently  
in her
because in hope
it would bring life to her

Whatever the reality
I will never put cease
to my belief
that I will see her

Why?

Because the person
of whom I am talking about
is

Humanity

And she is the most beautiful thing I’ve known, regardless of her flaws

Apathy a human compass
others follow willingly
it's easier to shut ones eyes
than open them and see

a few pills there a giant bill
with the right diagnosis
you'll be just like the rest
suffering from psychosis

Guilt has become a hard-won odyssey
a heart that dares to feel something
is terrifying to most of us
but it's way more interesting

Some part of me is craving
a sacrosanct life trajectory
in the language of an angel
a haunting sacred melody

I hate to have to say these words
they really are absurd
but when you're right you like to gloat
you're such a little ****

A smile spreads across your face
it lights you like the sun
all you want to hear me say
is, fine, you're right, you won

You giggle like a little girl
and I just roll my eyes
it's not a very manly sound
but this might be a surprise

I like to tell you that you're right
because it makes you happy
and I love you oh so much
that it makes me kinda sappy

Afraid to be happy in my answered prayer
afraid to have too much hope, do I dare?
We're always waiting for the other shoe
to drop on our head, like liquid bird poo
things are changing, or dare I believe?
or do I get scared and just run off and leave
4 times in one week, "Miracle" was heard
It shocked me each time that I heard the word
It churned up my hope and lifted my eyes
I sat and I waited, staring up at the skies
then down from above with a message for me
my prayers started to be answered in ways I could see!
Praise God for His love and His endless care
I'm so thankful to Him for answering my prayer

Sometimes I want to lay in bed
and let myself be in my head
I know that it is not safe there
but sometimes I just do not care
Like a wander through the woods
all the shoulda woulda coulds
can't see what is up ahead
I spin out I'm full of dread
So then I have to pull me back
get rid of thoughts of sad and lack
by faith is how I'm meant to live
and so to God my fears I give