The guilt I didn't know; was apparent.
Letting it be seen.
When I travel to the other plane of my existence;
it was a hellish nightmare.
(Don't let my memory fail me)
"Do I not wash in SIN,
though how small it be."
It makes a dread filled notion,
when I sleep.
If insomnia were not the curse, what is?
What is it,
that I so desperately need...
to put my broken mentality at ease.

Hard to swallow:

When they see you,
stretched languidly across the page,
frivolous in your expenditure of letters,
This is what you are to them.

Long and polysyllabic,
a frustrating combination of strange, small word-parts
And that Y (such an indecisive letter!):
flung in there so gracelessly.

You are repulsive to them;
You have broken their rhythm
of short, blocky words that trip off the tongue
with your sudden and awkward out-of-place-ness.

You are abhorrent to them;
You have blurred their strict margins
of male and female roles,
of pants and skirts,
with your little blip of existence,
mucking about in the wrong side of the clothes store.

You are an anomaly, a mistake, a mystery to them;
You are a *** to be located
A term to be defined
A word to be pronounced
A gender to be assigned

But I like you.

I like how your letters sprawl,
confident and self-sure.

I like how your attire causes others to gawk
and reorder their worlds.

I like how your legs look in that tux,
your eyes in that dress.

How the long swoops of your g and your y
echo the way the ends of your undone tie drape from your collar:

Elegantly.

The bedroom door locks tight
I take off my smile
And put it in a box
Slip my courage down
And stand stripped and bare


Empty eyes looking back
Wine without taste, the
Lamplight too dim to feel
I have shut the door


No need to be for awhile
Till morning comes once more
And I put my smile back on

I am who I am
But I am not you
We may look alike
But I am not you
I will only ever be me
Which is a complicated thing
I see through my eyes
And not through yours
It's plain to see
But I'm blind you see
I am who I am
But I am not you
Who am I

I layed without her
She whispered to me hopes and dreams
Like Paris where she wanted to be
She said it had to be
And with only me

"Do you see my words,
I wrote them in hopes to make
Your day"

"Did you dream of me?
In your sleep, you hear
My quiet voice"

But I never saw those words
Dream of her
I tossed and turned
Bit my tongue
Wrote my stories
Yet I did not sleep

My days are hectic
But I make room
Dream
Paris
See her words

Behind your shadow,
I stand and fall.
It's a tough battle,
In which I feel so small.
My feelings toward you
you might think are dumb.
Sad, upset, confused,
angry, hurt, and numb.
When I needed a mom,
you were not there
to talk about boys
or to fix my hair.
Yes, you did call,
every once and a while,
but an ocean of tears
hides behind this smile.
Tormented, trapped, and torn,
my heart says I feel.
Seven years after I was born
my heart won't start to heal.
I see other girls
laugh with their moms,
I go dizzy with swirls,
and crash like a bomb.
The anger in me
rages in fright,
always staying angry,
I just think I might.
Time heals everything,
I don't think that's true,
I know something
time did not do.
Time has been flying.
For a long while
I've always been trying
to show a real smile.
One thing that hurts,
and I don't know why,
you moved far away,
and it makes me cry.
When I think about this,
to myself I lie,
I've gotten over you,
that I would not try.
You are a mother,
a mother of two,
me and my Sister.
We hardly know you.
Every night I think
of how my life could have been,
tears run down my face,
and my world starts to spin.
These past few years
have been really hard.
For the rest of my life
I'll be severely scarred.
It took me time to realize
what you did to me.
Tears in my eyes,
and you're clueless it seems.
I try to be brave,
it really hurts.
You could have stayed,
instead of making it worse.
I want you to know this,
it's sad but it's true,
you hurt your little girl,
and your other girl too!
You ruined me,
you made me cry,
you really hurt me,
and to laugh I try.
There is a hole in my heart
the doctors don't see.
I guess they don't know
what my mommy did to me.
If you want me back,
you have to prove
you can be a mom
to me and Brittanie, too!
When I screamed for you,
did you hear a sound?
I guess you didn't,
because you were never around.
I will tell you something
you cannot forget,
once you hurt your kids,
it will soon come to regret.