you come knocking at my door.
i greet you with much enthusiasm.
oblivious to the heartbreak that comes
with letting you into my happy home.

you go to my parents bedroom and tap
on the door. you enter without me.
little do i know you’re asking my father
for his permission to make me yours.
as you do this, i sit waiting nervously.
maybe you’re making your escape.
until you walk out with the biggest grin
and ask to take me on a date. this is
the first time you prove you won’t leave.

then we are in the living room. by now,
we have had our first kiss. we’ve held
hands. we’ve said i love you. two broken
15 year olds putting the pieces together
to make them one unit. we’re at  our 5
month anniversary when anger decides to
ring the doorbell.

we are screaming in the kitchen. the
walls are dingy with the smell of rain
and hate. we had arguments but never
like this. this is where we break. the band
has broken up. the unit is disassembled.
as you walk out the door i so graciously
welcomed you through, my heart is
smashed.

i’m in the bathroom. crying, vomiting.
i have gone emotionally numb. i let
boys play with me like their own toy.
i smile and react when they look up.
they don’t see the tears building. but
every night i sit in the bathroom and
take all of my feelings for you and
flush them away.

i’m sitting on the porch. we have
reached friends now. i still ache for
you but i have managed this long.
so we sit and swing back and forth
and back and forth until i’m leaning
against you. my heart fluttering.
all of the unspoken feelings flying
through the air. suddenly, i feel the
warmth of your skin on me when you
say you have never stopped loving me.
we kiss and i swear fireworks went off
all night long.

we’re in the backyard. we’re supposed to
be cleaning out the shed. but instead we
are kissing like today is our last day together.
nothing could be better than taking on this world
with you.

we just got home from a date. i’m crying in the
driveway. you care too much about everyone
else’s opinion. you say you want me to be
happy. why can’t you realize that i’m always
happy with you? so i scream. because you
don’t care. you just want to get away. you
kiss me and say you want to take care
of me. is this really how you take care of
someone? you shut the car door and i can
see the tears welling up in those emerald
eyes of yours. you drive away. killing me
over and over and over again.

it’s been 4 months. we’ve both grown.
but i still love you. i infinitely love you.

we’re in my bedroom. kissing is always
fun but we’re cuddled up watching my
favorite movie. the love around us is
intoxicating. you are my rock. you
always have been. you are the love of
my life. let’s not break anymore of our
promises, okay baby?

we’re in the dining room, holding hands.
you tell me you’re not emotionally stable.
you tell me that you can’t give me everything.
why don’t you see that i don’t want everything?
i want you. but you're health comes first.
always. so i let you kiss me one more time.
and i tell you that i am not going to run back
to you next time. i need someone who will
always stick around. you agree. we will both
move on. that’s what’s best. so i say i love you
for the last time. i watch you walk out of this
beautiful house we have built.

i will wait for you because i know we are meant
to be. but i still have fun. reckless danger is my fun
because i am still grieving over you, but i will be
patient. so please when you’re ready knock on
the door, ring the doorbell, call my name. you
will be let in. let into this beautiful house that we
built for ourselves. our bodies grooved into the
furniture. our tear drops soaked into the wood.
our memories painted across the walls.

i will build my own house while i wait for you but
don’t be afraid to come home. come to our home,
honey. it’s grand and waiting for you. i love you,
baby. here is our permanent home.
~k