this year for halloween
im going as a slice of cheese
so i can scare people
with puns

now how do i begin?
o-que, so

i walk down the halloumi and see
my friends colby and jack

colby's dressed as a camembear
scary enough to make you go emmental

jack's dressed as the Cheshire cat
who listens to baroquefort

we all sit down paneer the window

"so teleme," i ask, "what's gouda?"

"i'll tell you what's gouda," jack replies eagerly,
"see that girl over there, fonTina?"

how could i swiss her, i thought, with her looks and her cheddar, she could make it gruyere down there out of even the LEAST manchego of men

"go talk to her, jack, it'll be a brieze"

"no whey man!"

"yes whey"

"man i'm too anxious, i'd rather talk on the mascarphone"

"what do you mean, you're the goat!"

"we can'tal be buff-alo like you, why don't you talk to her?"

"already dating monterey"

"i didn't know you swung both wheys"

"sometimes i feel like my sexuality was madE backwards"

"alright that's enough!" jack stammered. "i'm fetup with these puns! it was fun at first but it's gotten annoying. some of this **** doesn't even make any sense! just go man, nobody wants you here."

colby and i exchanged a solemn glance
i turned to jack
"..................ricotta be kidding me!"

"LEAVE!" jack screamed, and i turned and walked away


now it's time i asiago home
feeling blue, heading back to my cottage
sad and provolone

james has got **** in his mind
he's discovered people of his kind
two in the pink
one in the stink
and "Oh, what's that from behind?"

Earth, Sep 30, 2021 /AlienNewswire/ -- Subject: A6P9E

one hand on the keyboard, the other in a doritos bag
fiercely staring at his screens, cursing any signs of lag

unrelenting focus lights his eyes, oblivious to any world outside
engaged in only lines and rectangles, rectangles and lines

every human minute, a new rectangle appears
the green ones are good, but the reds bring him fear

clenching all orifices
a mouse-click
a new rectangle
more lines
it's green
another mouse-click
pure elation

with a sigh of relief, the subject waddles over to his 69th monitor, just delivered by an Amazon drone
he powers it up and immediately starts watching ****
because one addiction isn't enough apparently

- reported by Jack Ma the Alien, sent to papa Elon via Neuralink

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~      ­             
              
rainy days pave gateways
intertwining spirit, body, and mind

those were exactly the thoughts running through Caroline's head, as her half-empty boba cup provided support between the cold, metal fencing and her weary right temple. she pondered if this incessant rain would cease, and the chrysanthemums that grew behind the fence concurred.

she had been exploring the realm of visualization in weeks past. visualizing getting out of bed in the morning, getting chores done, and visualizing social situations before they occur. she was using it as a technique to be more productive and to ease her social anxiety. it had proven effective for her.

sick of all the rain, she started visualizing. her imagination fluttered with thoughts of clouds parting ways, of the brilliant sun beating down, heating up the fencing, and creating shadows which sprung to life the now-dancing chrysanthemums. she pictured hopping onto the fence and screaming joyously to the world, overcome profoundly by newfound sunshine.

while deep in her visualization, she felt a tinge near her heart. the same spot where she experiences the buildup of her most powerful feelings: rage, despair, and pure unbridled ecstasy. only this feeling was new, and she knew something big was brewing. she felt an incredible warmth expanding from her chest outwards.

Caroline slowly opened her eyes. her mind was just as clear as the sky. in utter awe, she wanted to scream and shout. to tell all her friends that the sun was out.

it was through those powerful visualizations
where she made her staggering realization

"everything in reality is all but fake
nothing is real except for what you make"

and she carried on with her day

they help you fight the sunday scaries
go forth and ignite the metabolic fairies
the team of fruits always needs a carry
the answer is the RASPBERRY!! YEAAA!!!

blueberries? blackberries?
those are the colors of bruises!
when it comes to the great berry test
the raspberry never loses!

can't recant my chant to demand the freshly farmed organic plants however scant they're worth the transplant from stem to plate to
shoo-*** doo-woppity bippity boppin mary poppins, man!



RASPBERRIES YEAAAA!!

raggy,
risten to rhis,
"rells rike reen spirit"
r-I ruv rirvana raggy
rotgun to his head
now Rurt's dead

life is plain
it's clear to see
how time ticks on
so tortuously

insignificant
yet so much to do
can't get complacent
no time to lose

so off i go
as i get old
without a home
tales left untold

don't look sad
when i say
i'm a vagabond
and i can't stay

sorry if i haven't been paying close attention
but the Beatles are playing in your class and it's distracting!

how am i supposed to care about calculus
with McCartney singing right beside us?!

integrals and derivatives?
Lennon doesn't give a ****!

so the next time you see me falling asleep,
just

let it be

                                                                                                         let it be!

let it beeee

                                                                                                   let   it      be

im whispering words of wisdom,

let it beee

bwabwabwaaa


thank you for understanding my beatlemania, professor

sincerely,

-ryan

praise be praise be!
to the almighty caffeine queen!
carrying her caffeine canteen!
such a shiny silver sheen
i mean,
until she met the caffeine dean
and after a night quite obscene
where the sheets weren't clean
he tried to wean her off the coffee beans

now envy colors the dean green
"the queen's seen caffeine Eugene!"

she wasn't so keen on the dean's mean scene
hired fifteen teens to throw him in the ravine!
as is routine,

don't intervene between the queen's caffeine

thinking that you can fly through the drivers side window but being stopped by glass is the most upsetting thing ever

as i get older i realize
those who lack empathy
are like goblins in the grass
they become easier to spot
as the seasons pass

so in the future
i'll cut the grass
and build a garden
filled only with plants
that repel goblins

other company's coffee beans
painfully purchasing

i already have:
opposable thumbs
attached to hands
and
legs,
arms,
eyes,
and land

grow it yourself

but what about:
time for travel
with scenic hikes
and
runs,
art,
love,
and psychs

no

put those thoughts up on the shelf
*******, and do it yourself

and this
                                             and that
                                    and this                         and that
                      and this              and that    and this            and that
       and this          and that                      and this and that and this
    and that   and this       and that and this       and that and this and that andthis  andthat    andthis andthat  andthis     andthat   andthis
andthatandthisandthatandthisandthatandthisandthatandthisa­ndthatandthatandthisandthatandthisandthatandthisandthatandthisand­thatandthatandthisandthatandthisandthatyousuckandthisandthatand­thisandthatandthatandthisandthatandthisandthatandthisandthatandth­isandthatbeproductiveyoushitfaceandthatandthisandthatandthisand­thatandthisandthatandthisandthatandthatandthisandthatandthisandth­atandthisandthatandthisandthatandthisduerfrykteligandthatandthi­sandthatandthatandthisandthatandthisandthatandthisandthatandthisa­ndthat

vegans will slowly discover
the lettuce can hear themselves being eaten
we'll just have to synthesize amino acids from the air
no way that'll be beaten

heavy drops crash down
mini bullet trains from above
our tickets, punched
with endless love

feet splashing asphalt
soaked in sky tears
forgiving its enemies
as long as you're near

to run in the rain
is to run nature's race
you turn, briefly
our arms embrace

rushing water
under our toes
a kiss,
"one mile left to go"

"at the mental hospital
there was this young teen—we'll call him Derek
he would incessantly brag about all the children he'd *****
the workers would give him one cup of OJ a day
because he was such a ****** up ****
and they had that in their hospital notes
'Derek only gets one cup of OJ a day'
that was all he was fed

now me—well the workers liked me
because i never gave them any trouble, i guess
and i'd be sitting there chugging four/five cups a day
watching Derek only get one
and at first i thought that was kind of unfair and ****** up
but i realized something
humans reciprocate good actions
do people nice and people'll do you nice in return
i guess i'd never internalized that before
that ******* like Derek get their OJ restricted
but being stuck in a mental hospital for years really lets you think
that was the point in my life i learned empathy"

if i won the lottery
most folks would ask me
to share
and to their dismay
i would say nay
turn and walk away

now the ones who ask nothing—
the ones who enjoy my company
walk to the lighthouse
get coffee with me
the ones who know what it means to be
genuine people

they are the ones
who'll receive my money

"what else is new?!"
yelled the fast food crew
watching some ******* dude

put his ******* mouth on the ketchup dispenser nozzle

sitting with a friend after dark
a car pulls up alongside the park
a young man walks out alone
"hey guys someone stole my phone!
i was lying in the grass when it fell out
i asked someone to help me out
he called it, called it, and called it again
then found it and ran
******* it man!"

"**** bro that's a tough blow
did you happen to recall his info?"

"well i remember his car and i believe his name
i'm just going through a lot and i'm sick of these games"

"do you think we can call it?"

"he powered it off..
stupid ******* *****," he scoffed
"guys i just don't know what to do. im going through a lot of mental health issues right now, and i don't mean to get too dark but i've seriously considered killing myself recently. that phone had a lot of personal videos of me documenting my thoughts and whatnot. this is driving me crazy"

"hey man trust me i've been there before
you gotta find someone to help you through the door
my case worker helped me a lot with that
my suicidal thoughts are a thing of the past
now do you think we could perhaps call the cops?"

"well it's late, i'd probably be stuck here a while right?
i'll just drive to my moms to spend the night
**** i wish i'd found you guys first. thank you"
and he drove off

my friend then turned to me
"i should've given him a hug, man
i feel like if i asked him if he wanted a hug, and started walking towards him with my arms outstretched and just did it
he would've started crying
that would've helped him more than anything"

the first law of thermodynamics states that:
energy can neither be created nor destroyed, only altered

the dictionary defines death as
the cessation of life

this is contradictory
as all life is equivalent to energy
life cannot be destroyed,
only altered

and so,
"death" is just the transfer of your energy
to microorganisms who feed on your body
who then continue the cycle
dispersing your energy across the universe

so why be afraid of it?

death as you know it
does not exist
you are afraid of nothing
why be afraid of anything?

why be afraid to talk to your crush?
to talk to the person on the bus?
to give to someone all your trust?
to accept former actions as unjust?

you live
you learn
you transfer your energy
and the cycle continues for all eternity

you are the culmination of trillions of years of work
and the producer of infinite more
step down from your fears
let the story unfold

outta work and driving home
bumping 'First Class' - Rainbow Kitten Surprise
when some ******* comes in front on a bike
now a broken arm and a dark black eye
i'll be ****** if he can make it out of this alive

well thanks a lot, *******
you coulda looked both ways on the ****** street
now i've got paramedics and angry police
wondering if i feel any remorse for the scene
well nO, he just ruined the **** song for me

got beet by the slaw
raabed a bank in arugaland
endive into your brain
reveals all that romaines
"lettuce break free!"
"it's not that chard!"
but until you turnip
the money for bail
you'll be stuck
in kale jail

scrambled eggs and ham
breakfast is a scam!
who said we need it?
who said we need it?

9-5 all the time
working is a ******* crime!
who said we need it?
who said we need it?

bourgeoisie pizza rats
eating only makes you fat!
who said we need it?
who said we need it?

perpetual existential strife
i don't need a ******* life
who said i needed it?
who said?

targeted all substances that promote creative thinking/minimalism

and ignored the ones that promote anxiety and materialism



sugarsugarsugar

in a world where statements are judged
through the lens of a microscope
how does it feel
to be right onstage?
to be picked clean of all your cherries
to be a pawn in the infamous journalistic cycle
processing those cherries
feeding them to consumers
who eat too many
and complain about you
as the journalists win
they always do

yes, severe illness is more common amongst overweight individuals
yes, vaccines help
yes, government is too focused on treating symptoms rather than root causes to health issues
yes, the global economy would save trillions if healthy habits were more commonplace

but,
it is well known that everyone is awesome
it is well known that CEOs ****
it is well known that journalists are trustworthy
it is well known that you've lost a few customers today

because in a world where facts are opinions
and opinions are facts
maybe you should just shut up
and stick to the salads, jon

we don't make the rules

he's got a farmer's tan and a southern drawl
always picks up when his mother calls

lives and dies inside the coal mines
gives to charity in his spare time

hunts by himself for wild game to eat
because he can't stand industrialized factory-farmed meat

wears a leather jacket with a gold stitched title
looking ready to **** riding his motorcycle

and it's electric

**** this ****

we need to take our own land
build a house and live off the grid
no one gives a **** about the law of the land
we'll fight the law and well, we'll win

there's an old saying:
if you build it, he will come
and we'll be waiting
in our house with our rifles
making a sea of blue blood

sleep late and sleep in
been doin this **** too often

the late birds don't get no worms
just missed meetings and coffee burns

no more!

no more will we step to the beat of your drum
we have to subvert the circadian rhythm!

eyes open a smidge wider
fight to pull that all-nighter
whatever you do, don't think about yawns
head to the beach before the break of dawn!

nighttime won't stop us from taking a walk
the beach is a board and the sand is the chalk

clouds are colored cotton-candy pink
the horizon is skittles and the sky is a sink

the world is illuminated with purplish hues
as the seagull lord takes in the view

then suddenly,

this CIRCLE comes up from beyond the edge!
looking magnificently ever so orange and red!
it rises and brightens the oceanic titans
as the religious fishies are forever enlightened!

minds rejoice with a profound new wisdom
the circle has subverted our circadian rhythm!

i shout and i shout!
galloping spoons giving gobfuls
into gaping mouth holes

it's creamy n dreamy versus chunky n funky!
in the great grocery war
for the ******* junkies

monetize and institutionalize
is the way to gain the modern prize

marriage isn't affirmation of love
it's a 10-grand headache
as the IRS sits above

funerals aren't celebrations of one's life
they're ways for the fat cats
to profit off your strife

churches aren't for learning about god
some pastors make six figures
now isn't that odd?

you wonder why you're in so much pain
grasping at straws attempting to stay sane

unclench your palms from those useless umbrellas
go outside, and dance in the rain

copy and paste is over and done—we just need alt + 0151 !

ruh roh raggy
re taliban ris taking rover rafghanistan!
RAGAIN!
rey say rey want reace
i rink they're rying, raggy!

the woodland creatures look with glee
towards the mushroom house
between the marsh and a large, newly fallen log

the window acts as a gateway
for the warm, autumnal scent to fill the air
as the oven releases freshly-baked apple pies

the lady inside sets them on the counter
donning a pumpkin-colored plaid dress
faded beige shoes with silver-tinged buckles

a sneaky fox tries snatching a pie through the window
sensing this, the lady spins around and wags an astute finger
the fox, having learned its lesson, retreats to the back of the line

one by one, the woodland animals each take slices of pie
the squirrels, the deer, the robins, everybody joins—even the fox
and my oh my, what good pies they were

the lady directs them all to follow her to a cliffside
where they sit and eat and listen and watch the calm wind
swaying the leaves in the apple orchard down below

"you see," the lady says, "i picked only the best of the best to feed you today
but to do that, i first had to sift through a lot of bad apples
yet i persevered, knowing that with work, and patience,
things would change for the better"

the fox and the lady exchange glances, softly smiling
everyone stays to witness the sun set over the mountaintops
creating orange-red hues camouflaging with the changing leaves

the forest air was just a little more crisp that night

walking in the mall, between a Sephora and a Lids,
"hey buddy! you wanna help feed Haitian kids?"

"why, sure!" i said, "you're in luck!"
strolled over to his booth and gave him five bucks

"now am i able to ask you another question?"

"sure bro" i replied, "you seem pretty ni—"

"DO YOU SUPPORT THE LORD AND SAVIOR JESUS CHRIST?"

"what..
no sir, but i just try my best to be a good person"

"WHY DON'T YOU BELIEVE?"

"well logically there isn't any evid—"

"im gonna stop you right there. let me share a little story"

"man im really just tryna buy a skateb—"

"ALRIGHT SO EVERYDAY ABOUT 6 MONTHS AGO I WAS SMOKIN' CRACK *******.."

some people live in chronic fear that right outside their front door
there's a gunman waiting to end them


some of us dream of such things

bedazzled in tattoos
he comes through attics
finds phones to steal
he's the phone fanatic!

he's got hands with a face
has all the bandwidth and space
and when he steals in broad daylight
he leaves every possible trace

because the phone fanatic's a phony
stole a phone once and thinks he's a god
we all know he's a one-trick pony
begrudgingly rocking his worn out dad-***

you're like a q-tip
you think you help by getting the problems out
but really you just shove them deeper inside me and make them worse

it's fine; i was tired of hearing your ******* anyways

im sorry

homeless Moe's not an average joe
knows what he has, asks for nothing more

he doesn't beg nor cry nor plead nor preach
he sleeps under a bridge and lives in peace

collects bottles and cans to buy himself food
despite this life, he's always in a good mood

now just think,
if we had more homeless Moe's
would it be easier to convince the homeowning Joe's
to help?

"...out onto the concrete apron, where the Credit Card elite are tanking up and stretching their legs and tweezing their undershorts out of the aging waxy folds of their scrota, and I am out there carrying a Shell oil can in both hands like a bladder totem, around the corner, to the toilet..."

nineteen hundred and sixty-nine
when the hippie era was in its prime
half a million gathered on a dairy farm
milking only good vibes and peace charms

they sat in the fields day after day
smoking and tripping to no one's dismay
watching acts play even through the rain
Grateful Dead, CCR, and Jefferson Airplane

now to sum it up, what i really mean
is i wish i had a time machine
because although the 50s had boring old jocks
the 60s had ***, drugs, and Woodstock!

the road is boring!
i'm tired of this ride
there's a river over there!
let's pull off to the side

"but don't you wonder
how many people have di-"

"-SHHHH
let's jump in this river"

test it out:
current's a bit strong
and the water's a bit cool
but the width ain't too long
and it beats public pools

take this pebble!
throw it off the edge!
yay it's deep enough!
NOW LET'S ****** JUMP


...


the squirrels are out of popcorn
30 minutes have passed
"we shouldn't've smoked 3 bow-"
"-THE TREES ARE GETTING ANXIOUS!"

just don't think!
thinking is evil!
try as we might
try as we will

so what if we're
high and high?
we'll totally jump,
by and b-

-"AHHHH FU-"SPLASH

"SWIM! SWIM ******* IT! HAVEN'T YOU LEARNED SWIMMING?!"

"i can feel the water coursing through my nostrils"

"AND I CAN FEEL THE SQUIRRELS POINTING AND LAUGHING!"

cough "we're way too high for this"

"whattaya meannnn"

"i mean this river is like
10 feet deep at best
and we're like
basically drowning"

"alright why are you making sense
i think you're
i think you're sobering up"

well, regardless,
we made it to the other side
although it took a bit
"now how do we get back?"
"...see that cliff up there?"
"ohhh ****-"

i hoard skateboards!
you could say im a skateboard hoarding lord
but i ignore all other board stores
besides Zumiez
so i guess you could say im a skateboard hoarding lord
who wants to pull the ******* cord

what is it that separates the wheat from the chaff?
the planets from the dwarf planets?
and who defines such matters?
well, that would be the International Astronomical Union
or the IAU
(or the I and U)

there are 3 conditions
of which 2 are shared by both planets and dwarf planets

1. they both orbit around the sun
(as we orbit around each other)

2. they both have sufficient love...so that they assume a hydrostatic equilibrium (heart) shape
(i may have fudged some details)

now the one distinction between the two
is that planets must
3. "clear the neighborhood" around their orbit
i.e. be gravitationally dominant such that there are no other nearby bodies of comparable size

and i write this application to the IAU today
so that we will no longer be dwarf planets

for nobody in this neighborhood
nor any neighborhood
could ever have a love as dominant
as how much we love each other <3

bugs are scary

creepy crawly legs
trek up my own
biting my skin
feeding on my blood
for nothing but sustenance

when it comes to
bugs,
and me,
and the meadow im lying in
there simply isn't enough room
for all parties involved

so i took shrooms

there is no pain
i feel no bugs
yet we see all bugs
all bugs are dancing
in a constant state of dancing
they dance and they eat
we dance and we eat
in the meadow

for the meadow is home
there has never been another home but the meadow
the meadow encapsulates all beings that matter
the bugs
only the bugs

for i am the bugs
WE are the BUGS
THE BUGS ARE US
WE ARE THE CHILDREN
WE ARE THE WORLD
WE WILL SING UNTO
YOU, THE MEADOW
ANCIENT HYMNS FROM THE UNDERGROUND
LISTEN WITH YOUR SOUL
WE ARE DANCING

and we have danced
we danced until the sun stopped setting
for the sun can never rest
will never rest
in the presence of us, the bugs
the beautiful, beautiful bugs
we love the bugs
i love the bugs

bugs used to be scary

i invited a non-binary friend
on a 3-day cabin trip
and on the first, they said to me
"this has made me realize
i can't recall a time where i've been truly content.
this is the happiest i've been in a long time"
they put a hand on my shoulder
"you're a good friend"
and with that, my year was made

months go by without surprise
we work and work all the time
it's only fitting, then
that us 10 men meet
on a fateful august sunrise

adrenaline pumping and bags packed
the road is cold and unforgiving
driving through small towns
with citizen's big frowns
we finally enter the Adirondacks

overcome by beauty

the mountains hear our joyous exclamations
while the tall grass traps their appreciation

magic fills the atmosphere
rolling through the hills
extolling our wondrous thrills
our glorious cheers

as we hear the first crack of a beer

and now,
the worth of all those months of work
is heard
heard by the mountains
heard by the sky
heard by the insects,
crawling on the ground bringing life to the world

but most of all,
it's heard by each other

and our bodies fill with alc and ****
as fires are lit and stories are shared
for to drink and smoke
and laugh and joke
amongst each other

well, i'd say that's beautiful indeed

wrapped up in a two hour daydream
thinking of what the future might be
needing to tell others but neglecting,
the world doesn't need to see that part of me

remember that cute girl at the grocery store?
the one you didn't say anything to?
ok now roll that back and imagine..
because what else is there to do?

spiraling thoughts lose all purpose
can't talk to people, can't be alone
yet my happiness depends on making others happy
a skill i don't think i've yet honed

because my whole being is the epitome of empathy
if you don't care about yourself,
well, you're cared by me
such is the life of an INFP-T

'du er vakker'
is what i say,
but,
'jeg elsker deg'
is what i think

breakdowns hit in waves of two
first your car, then your mentality
ear and phone are stuck like glue
impatient, can't keep neutrality

'listen'
is an anagram
for 'silent'

fitting
how you ignored
your check engine light

it menacingly stares on your dashboard
screaming 'save me master'
but you have no remorse
'i didn't even WANT an Accord'
and you accelerate faster

you're a stupid bloke and your savings are gone
and your name's a Key & Peele joke, A-A-Ron

look at your car wincing
like a crippled crane
it's screaming desperately in pain

act now or forever take the train

pens are for notating
and also for rotating

fidgets are for spinning
and staring and grinning

poems are for writing
and thinking and rewriting

birds are distracting
and -
oh **** it's a bird!
hehe look at its wings
flapflapflapflap

hehe birds are fun :)