Suddenly I’m…
You raise your hand to me
And suddenly I’m 6
Wincing from the pain of my grandfather beating me
But I’m not 6, I’m 20

You call me a problem
And suddenly I’m 7
Being punished by my first teacher for telling the truth
But I’m not 7, I’m 20

You say I should skip a meal
And suddenly I’m 8
Starving for a weekend because my stepmother wouldn’t feed me
But I’m not 8, I’m 20

You say we’re not that close
And suddenly I’m 9
Not allowed to hold my baby sister by my stepmother
But I’m not 9, I’m 20

You shut me out
And suddenly I’m 10
Locked in my room for days by my stepmother
But I’m not 10, I’m 20

You yell at me
And suddenly I’m 12
Shaking from the fear of my stepfather screaming at me
But I’m not 12, I’m 20

You use me for ***
And suddenly I’m 13
Being ***** in the only place I felt safe
But I’m not 13, I’m 20

You tell me I will fail
And suddenly I’m 14
Being ridiculed by my teachers
But I’m not 14, I’m 20

You tell me I’m not enough
And suddenly I’m 15
Hearing from my father that I’ll ***** it up eventually
But I’m not 15, I’m 20

You tell me I’m not enough
And suddenly I’m 16
Being laughed at by my coaches
But I’m not 16, I’m 20

You say you need space
And suddenly I’m 17
Having my heart torn to pieces for the first time
But I’m not 17, I’m 20

You call me names
And suddenly I’m 18
Being manipulated by my mother
But I’m not 18, I’m 20

You say he’s just a friend
And suddenly I’m 19
Being cheated on for the first time
But I’m not 19, I’m 20

You say we can’t afford it
And suddenly I’m 20
Realizing I can’t afford to live
But I am 20, and 21 seems too hard

I sit alone
Atop my throne
A kingdom of nothing
Towers built on lies
A river of melancholy surrounds my castle
A drawbridge of self-destruction protects the inside
Soldiers adorned in black to defend empty rooms
A massive table barren of nourishment for an empty belly
One chair
An extravagant bedroom
One king
Desperate for rest
He sleeps and wakes more lethargic than before
Dragging his feet through failures
Decrees from the highest place
One day we will thrive
But all his advisors, his subjects, servants and supporters

Are gone

You're not made of roses
Why can't you be easy
Is it perfect or broken
Why can't you need me

To your needs I molded
You just try to appease me
But my cards aren't folded
******* look and you'll see me

It's almost always good
So why am I hurting
You leave me in fear
I'm so sure heartbreak's lurking

Just love like the others
I am not your chore
Your head under covers
Why can't you give more

I can break my own heart now
Thoughts of you put it together again
Wasn't sure of want living was
But now I know how

You're wildflowers in a country meadow
A ray of sunlight through cloudy skies
It never rains
A waterfall over a lover's grotto

I still don't sleep
How could I
There are simply too many words to describe
This feeling deep

Assurance
Warmth
FREEDOM

being tied to another
not just one
tethered to your love
breaks the chains of fear
of doubt
of shame

Your name give me wings
You're every bit of sugar in my tea
I'll scream your name till it rings
Till it echos in the wind

Love or
leave me
dear God won't you reprieve me

Build me up
break me down
some things are easier when you're not around

I'm defeated
I'm tired
my thoughts uninspired

I've not a bed to sleep in
a cloth to weep in
the reaper comes creepin

I watched every episode of my favorite show intently
I didn't want to miss a minute of my escape from reality
A day of the world I wished I lived in
I listened to every song in my playlist on repeat
I wanted to break my heart enough times to stop healing
A melody of melancholy and dread
I wrote down the most gut-wrenching words I could think of
I needed to voice the pain that coursed through my veins
A pointless exercise as I'm not even clever enough for myself
Why can't the pictures on my screen come to life
Why can't the lyrics make me numb
Why can't the endless words I write down ever come close to showing how I feel
Misunderstanding cuts much deeper than malice
To hurt me you must know me
But to live unknown is a fate worse than death
Dying is easy young man, living is harder

One last kiss
One last dance
I walk this miserable, lonely, dark, grey, awful, life
In a trance
You broke my heart
I broke yours first
I think the memory of my selfishness, greed, lust, disloyalty
Hurts the worst
One day I'll build a home
One without my past life's mess
Even though we've grown apart, distant, away, separately
You'll always be my princess
I hope that one day I'll be given the chance
To give you that deserved romance
But if you had left me yesterday
I can't say I'd blame you anyway

Like a perfectly mixed recipe
A ray of sun, for her to bask under
A few drops of rain, to wash away her imperfections
Lots of healthy soil, for her to build strong roots
Fresh air, for her to sing when no one is listening
Give her just a bit to bake and soon you'll see
She grows towards the light like the tallest sunflower
Always chasing hope, always standing above the rest of the garden

Head weak
Can't sleep
Neck deep
Eyes weep
Thoughts creep
Words bleep
Sirens beep
Long ******* week

Burdened by her memory
Tortured by the ghost of his former

Whips and ropes
Beaten and restrained
He welcomes the punishment

She leaves him in the spring
For him the winter never ends
Even as the seasons come and go

One day he'll learn
Obligation is her errand
Her love remains in the seed

It never blooms until she's gone
One day he hopes to take it in
Even the lost need flowers

Not this time
My hands aren't that empty
My lips aren't that lonely
My heart isn't that longing
My eyes aren't that weepy
My mind isn't that restless
I am not so hopeless
That every word from my mouth concerns you
I am not so forgotten
That every thought in my head describes you
This one isn't about you
It isn't about my regret
It's definitely not about my insecurity
I'm not pretending I'm fine
Just because you're not mine
And that surely did not rhyme

Peeking out under the rock on my back
It cripples me, and saves me from the pyre
Serving me as both a weight and a flak
Still fragged by shrapnel from overhead fire

O Tantalus, much more than a story
How greedy was he, grasping for a drink
Just treading water that's plenty for me
Deeper underwater I feel I shrink

Alone, I put the rock on my own back
Or rather, like a bug I crawled under
The light, often avoided in the cracks
For my sin and greed, there is no sunder

I cannot remove myself from my sin
I deeply need my god and savior
Without salvation I wear grossly thin
I should daily thank him for his favor

A rocky bond at first, we solidified our kinship with mud blood and trust
Not only did your iron sharpen mine, and mine yours
But I laid my sword at your feet when you hadn't one
Brothers in the valley and kings on the mountain
David and Damocles
I, David, failed miserably as a king, as all I knew how to be was a peasant
A prisoner of his own brother, you draped my rainbow coat on my shoulders like the spots of  a *****
Nothing short of imperfect, I was never meant to lead, but I was always faithful to you, surrendering in humility
The sword over your head, inscribed with lies and deception
Not only did you ignore the blade, destined to pierce your own heart
You cut it down, and pierced both of us
You spilled my blood like water, while believing you bled wine
Maybe so, but the fermented fruit of your disloyalty will always taste sour to me

A smoky room
A rainy street corner
A park bench just after sunset

The business man just trying to escape work
The woman who can't choose between her dreams and practicality
The student without a place at school

Closing his eyes for a moment
Turning her eyes up to the gray sky
His eyes following his pen across his notebook

Dreaming of his love
Remembering the man who loves her
Writing the story of two lovers

He sheds a tear
She cries softly
A single drop that smudges the words

He stops chasing
She realizes she's gotten away
He hesitates to write the end

He will never have her
She will never love him enough
He's broken his own heart through their story

Read closely
Yes, you
Don't focus on the words

I so badly want to say it again

Literally nothing would make me happier
Only you
Very seldom does a man truly need something outside of himself
Even if he hates to admit it

Yet, I find myself at one of those moments
One of the few moments in my life where I am left needing
Under one condition, just one way, one person, one phrase can fix this

And you've just read it to yourself

Cyclically recycling re-resolving and prescribing
Waning and waxing
Revolving rapidly yet repeatedly reconditioning
Training for the marked off trail and practicing perfidiousness
Ever-failing always falling
Sprinting from ladders and slipping past stairs
Adamant on Adam's folly restitute to lies
Lust, she is a sneaky beast and one by many names

Cornered
Drip
      Drip
            Drip
                  Ripple
Young
         Scared
                   Tired
                          Hopeless
Inside
         Desolate
                      Outside
                                  Defiant
Nobody
            Cared
                     Everyone
                                   Watched
Goodbye
               Jumping
                            Falling
                                      Crashing