I thought it was different
That I had changed
Begun to heal
To recognise myself
But the truth is
I am so good at hiding my pain
Even from myself
But now I see
I am more broken than I’ve ever been

At night I am broken
Trapped in a nightmare
Long since gone
But at night I remember
At night I mourn
And when the morning comes
And the mourning goes
I wipe away the tears
I bury my sorrows in a dark place
Not deep enough
For they arise
And at night I break again

My fear is paralysing me
My secrets wrapped tight round my throat
Every heartbreak hits me at once
And my heart shatters into pieces
So many pieces
Now all that remains is dust

If this is a test
To see how much I can take
You win
Because I’m so very tired
And I can’t do this anymore

Your grip is so tight
It grounds me
Keeps me here with you
And your hand is warm in mine
If I let go
I know you’ll still be here
Waiting for me
Ready to catch me when I fall
But I can’t stay here
I can’t stay with you forever
Because I have to survive alone
I have to do this alone
And loneliness is what I fear
But I don’t feel it now
When I’m safe in your arms
I can’t stay here forever
I can’t love you
In the hope that will save me
That it will be enough
To keep me here
Because it’s never enough
I have to choose to live

I am ashamed
Ashamed that this has torn away
All the progress I thought I’d made
And that I’m back here again
I am ashamed I cannot suffer alone
And that I drag others down with me
Because I tried so hard
Not to
I thought I could pretend
And I tried for so long
But I think it made me a little mad
Mad enough to hurt myself
To let some of it out
It didn’t work though, did it?
If I must bear this weight
Is it my duty to bear it alone?
To allow others to be free
Of me
I have become complacent
Allowing words to spill out
After being trapped for so long
And I felt relief
After all this time
Just to feel less alone
But now I’m scared
And I’m angry
I wish I’d just stayed quiet
And broken alone

You didn’t follow me this time,
Maybe you’re fed up with me now.
I wouldn’t blame you,
I’m fed up with me too.