If I look into the future
And all I see is pain
Tell me what is the point?
I need an answer
I need someone to tell me why
I should stay alive
When it’s like this
What’s the point of life anyway?
I can’t do this again
Perhaps I deserve this
Maybe giving me hope
Allowing me to look into the future
And not see misery
Is exactly the kind of torture I deserve
Because it hurts so much more
When it’s ripped away from me again
And I can’t focus on anything
In the sea of misery that drowns me
And I just need to breathe
But I can’t anymore
I don’t even want to try
And all I keep asking is why?
But there’s no answer is there?
So what do I do?
And what did I do
To deserve this
If I believe in something
It all hurts so much more
And I’m clinging oh so tightly
To the strings that hold me together
But they’re breaking in my hands
So maybe I’ll just let go

What do you do when no one saves you
When you’re bleeding out
And there’s no one around
To stop the flow of blood
How would you feel if you were screaming
If you were begging for help
But no one heard
And so you stopped
What would you feel if you were broken
But beyond repair
And there was no one to help you
And no one even tried
What would it be like to walk around
With tears streaming down your face
But they are invisible tears
And so no one asks you why
This is what it was like
To live through this
With no ones help
And come out the other side
So I’m sorry if I can’t trust you now
But I am used to loneliness
And the only thing that was constant
Was the darkness growing inside
And the more of me it took
The more I seemed to hide
From the outside world
And what you could see
Wasn’t me

I think I’ll always love strawberries
Because of you
I’ll look at them and smile
And I’ll remember that too
I’ll look twice at every cyclist
That races past me
But I’ll never find what I’m looking for
Because it’s you I want to see
I want to hold tight to the feeling
Of warmth that you give
I’ll sometimes stop and think of you
No matter who I’m with
And even when I find a lover
From whom I am never apart
I’ll always remember the first man
Who tried to fix my broken heart
Your laugh is my favourite thing
That I have ever known
Your presence calms my raging mind
With you I never feel alone
You have made me so much stronger
Than I ever was before
And you supported me in battle
So that we could end this war
And when all is done and all I see
Are bodies on the ground
You’ll take my hand and keep it there
Where most would never stick around
I’ll never be able to express to you
How much you’ve done for me
But sometimes when you see me smile
I hope you’ll think, that was thanks to me

I often feel ashamed
Of my weakness
Of how easily I fall in love
I let other people decide my fate
Their hand on the trigger
Their gun to my head
And I let them
I allow those I love
To choose what I feel
To destroy me if they will
And I forgive them
Because this is on me
My weakness
And it makes me angry
That I am jealous
Because I fell in love
Again
I wish I could live for myself
But I don’t
I wish I didn’t love
But I do
And I am so angry
At myself
Because I allowed another man
To take the reigns
Of my life
And then was surprised
That I lost control

It may seem a little silly
To write about you
And I promise I don’t love you
But I just can’t forget your smile
And I can’t forget your laugh
You infect me
And happiness is my disease
It’s our disease now
When you sit next to me
I wish I could pause the world
And remember how I feel
I’ll never forget what I feel
Right now
Because I am so happy
Because of you
My cheeks ache
From smiling at you
Sometimes I wonder
How you know me so well
Better than I know myself
You never judge me
But always understand
When I don’t understand
What I feel
So stay with me
Please
Because I miss the sunshine
When you’re gone
And I would promise
I don’t love you
But I do

I’d like to write about beautiful things
For once
I’d like to portray beauty
To make you truly feel it
I want these words to come alive
To flow from the page like a river
And wrap you up inside
I am so practiced in dark verses
I know a thousand words for pain
A thousand metaphors for sadness
To show how broken I felt
But that isn’t all I feel
I could draw tears from you
Make you truly weep
But what about a smile?
Could I warm you heart
Give love rather than sadness
Rather than sharing my pain
Can I make you feel something different
Could I be the verse you mutter
Under your breath
To yourself
So you hide your grin
Could I write a lullaby
To send you to sleep
To have peaceful dreams
And yet all I’ve seen is pain
All the words I’ve written are blue
And now I want to give something else
I want to give a smile to you

Am I the broken girl
That I thought I was
That I became because
I have suffered for so long
Do I have a strong heart
And a stable mind
Could I be different
Now the pain is gone
Am I the smiling face
That many know me as
Or am I the blood that pours
Deep red from my veins
Am I the source of happiness
To anyone
Or am I just a ghost
Am I the same person now
Or have I grown
Into something new
And is this better
I don’t know what I have become
If I am the same at heart
Or if I became what I was
The only thing I knew for so long
Am I just a broken girl
Did I lose everything else
Or did I change
Into something better
Something that can survive
The wasteland of this life
Someone that breathes the toxic fumes
And the smoke from this fire
Raging inside me
Burning weakness
What remains of me?