Your grip is so tight
It grounds me
Keeps me here with you
And your hand is warm in mine
If I let go
I know you’ll still be here
Waiting for me
Ready to catch me when I fall
But I can’t stay here
I can’t stay with you forever
Because I have to survive alone
I have to do this alone
And loneliness is what I fear
But I don’t feel it now
When I’m safe in your arms
I can’t stay here forever
I can’t love you
In the hope that will save me
That it will be enough
To keep me here
Because it’s never enough
I have to choose to live

I am ashamed
Ashamed that this has torn away
All the progress I thought I’d made
And that I’m back here again
I am ashamed I cannot suffer alone
And that I drag others down with me
Because I tried so hard
Not to
I thought I could pretend
And I tried for so long
But I think it made me a little mad
Mad enough to hurt myself
To let some of it out
It didn’t work though, did it?
If I must bear this weight
Is it my duty to bear it alone?
To allow others to be free
Of me
I have become complacent
Allowing words to spill out
After being trapped for so long
And I felt relief
After all this time
Just to feel less alone
But now I’m scared
And I’m angry
I wish I’d just stayed quiet
And broken alone

You didn’t follow me this time,
Maybe you’re fed up with me now.
I wouldn’t blame you,
I’m fed up with me too.

If I look into the future
And all I see is pain
Tell me what is the point?
I need an answer
I need someone to tell me why
I should stay alive
When it’s like this
What’s the point of life anyway?
I can’t do this again
Perhaps I deserve this
Maybe giving me hope
Allowing me to look into the future
And not see misery
Is exactly the kind of torture I deserve
Because it hurts so much more
When it’s ripped away from me again
And I can’t focus on anything
In the sea of misery that drowns me
And I just need to breathe
But I can’t anymore
I don’t even want to try
And all I keep asking is why?
But there’s no answer is there?
So what do I do?
And what did I do
To deserve this
If I believe in something
It all hurts so much more
And I’m clinging oh so tightly
To the strings that hold me together
But they’re breaking in my hands
So maybe I’ll just let go

What do you do when no one saves you
When you’re bleeding out
And there’s no one around
To stop the flow of blood
How would you feel if you were screaming
If you were begging for help
But no one heard
And so you stopped
What would you feel if you were broken
But beyond repair
And there was no one to help you
And no one even tried
What would it be like to walk around
With tears streaming down your face
But they are invisible tears
And so no one asks you why
This is what it was like
To live through this
With no ones help
And come out the other side
So I’m sorry if I can’t trust you now
But I am used to loneliness
And the only thing that was constant
Was the darkness growing inside
And the more of me it took
The more I seemed to hide
From the outside world
And what you could see
Wasn’t me

I think I’ll always love strawberries
Because of you
I’ll look at them and smile
And I’ll remember that too
I’ll look twice at every cyclist
That races past me
But I’ll never find what I’m looking for
Because it’s you I want to see
I want to hold tight to the feeling
Of warmth that you give
I’ll sometimes stop and think of you
No matter who I’m with
And even when I find a lover
From whom I am never apart
I’ll always remember the first man
Who tried to fix my broken heart
Your laugh is my favourite thing
That I have ever known
Your presence calms my raging mind
With you I never feel alone
You have made me so much stronger
Than I ever was before
And you supported me in battle
So that we could end this war
And when all is done and all I see
Are bodies on the ground
You’ll take my hand and keep it there
Where most would never stick around
I’ll never be able to express to you
How much you’ve done for me
But sometimes when you see me smile
I hope you’ll think, that was thanks to me

I often feel ashamed
Of my weakness
Of how easily I fall in love
I let other people decide my fate
Their hand on the trigger
Their gun to my head
And I let them
I allow those I love
To choose what I feel
To destroy me if they will
And I forgive them
Because this is on me
My weakness
And it makes me angry
That I am jealous
Because I fell in love
Again
I wish I could live for myself
But I don’t
I wish I didn’t love
But I do
And I am so angry
At myself
Because I allowed another man
To take the reigns
Of my life
And then was surprised
That I lost control