We want to stay in Europe
Wear masks and stay at home
We like to fly the rainbow
Rashford's one of our own.
We care about our neighbours
Whatever colour they may be
We religiously recycle
And care about the sea.
We don't scrap or fight or row
Don't stick fireworks up our ****
Part of a global community
Rule Britannia is a farce.
So please do not judge us
On the actions of Dom or Matt
And don't think we like Boris,
The bloke's a massive prat.

I'm not interested in extensiveemployeebenefitsincludinghealthinsuranceapensionschemean­danallencompassingsenseofdreadeverytimeyousetyouralarmclock.
But I haven't grown up yet.

Something I have noticed
Since lockdown has begun
We must have shrunk our trousers
in 2021.

On July 18th 2021
A dark triangle will cover our sun.
The populace will cower
The populace will shriek
And buy enough loo roll to last them the week.
"We knew they were coming" says President Biden
"They broke out of Roswell where we were trying to hide em
They're all very friendly
If a little bit grey
And they've something important they've come here to say"
"PEOPLE OF EARTH" the craft started to belt
"YOUR PLANET IS BOILING. YOU ARE GOING TO MELT.
STOP WITH THE AIR CON
STOP WITH THE PLASTIC
OR WE'LL HAVE TO STEP IN AND DO SOMETHING DRASTIC"
Over the Earth fell a global stunned hush
Until to the front a human started to push
"But all that takes effort
We won't care when we're dead.
We want to watch Netflix and eat ***** instead."
The space craft glimmered, shook and was gone,
The earth was left wondering quite what had gone on,
Nobody cared and noone claimed fault,
But they'd emptied the oceans and just left us with salt.
Far up in space in a tank swimming free
Their Octopus Gods were splashing with glee.
Revenge for pollution and calamari.

When I was younger I used to think,
When my ovaries were on the blink,
I'd revel in the fact that I was free,
Less time for periods, more time for me.
No more evenings spent alone
Because Liverpool were playing at home.
Now menopause is here to stay,
I wish my monthlies never went away,
New wrinkles appear,
Sweats and hot flushes,
My bladder requires
Pees in bushes.
My locks are lank,
****** hair runs free.
But God is a woman.
Proof? HRT.

Get your bra on Gladys
Lockdown is nearly done
Shave your legs and brush your pegs
Let's get out in the sun.
Put your perm on Doris
Get your hair all in a curl
Some lippy in red and a hat on your head
I'll take you out for  a whirl.
Bin the slippers Mabel
Squeeze your bunions into some heels
A top tight at the bust is really a must,
And I'll pick you up in my wheels.
Chuck out the onesie Doris,
I know that you just didn't care,
In fact stay at home, I prefer being alone
And there's too many people out there.

My honey, my sugar, my bonbon, my sweet.
My stomach is bulging, I can't see my feet.
Next time I'm falling in love with a pea
A carrot, an apple or a cup of black tea.
Marry me darling, shower me with kisses,
But do it quick sweetheart or you'll have a fat Mrs.