He pretends not to love her
but every time he looks in the mirror
he sees everything he could've had with her

He pretends not to want her
but every time she says 'hi'
he whispers 'i miss you'
at his phone
but sends 'hey'

He pretends not to need her but hes slowly realizing the sweetness she brought to the air was the only thing he was ever willing to live for

He pretends not to remember her
but when he's crying in the shower,
his tears tell him otherwise

He pretends not to dream of her but when he wakes from night terrors and a sweaty brow, he realizes it's her absence haunting him

He pretends not to notice the flowers in his driveway that she planted
three years ago for his mother
and fights the urge to rip them from the ground

He pretends to shut her out but he knows he can never let her go without losing himself in the process

07.01.14: Even in another country the image of you with her, haunts me. How could you? When you knew how guys have treated me in the past?

07.6.14: I think that as more and more time goes by without you giving a **** about me and all the **** that you're putting me through— I think I'm only still in love with the idea of who you portrayed yourself to be. You've told me yourself no one really knows who you are. So when it's 4:27am and you're alone in your bed thinking of the past, I hope you feel alone. I hope you understand that this time I didn't contribute to this war. I have just stayed where I was put while you continue to choose to run around taking your own bullets intended for me. I've gotten hit a few times but you're taking the blunt of it. This one isn't my fault and there's no way for you to pin it on me. You told me once that I needed to take the defense and let guys step up into the offense. **So step up.

I've always had a thing for tales of forbidden love and twisted love stories.

Maybe that's why I've been craving you.


                                 B.S.

Slowly drowning me
With your negativity.
Bringing me down
With your selfishness.
You sit there and wonder
Why your life has turned out the way it has.
Some things are understandably upsetting,
Others, terribly exaggerated.
You sit there and wonder what your life has become,
Though yet you do nothing to make it better.
Your words burn the hearts of others,
Though you expect forgiveness a moment later.
Boasting about what could have been,
What you have missed out on,
Blaming others for your own mistakes.
You expect all those around you to forgive your piercing murmurs,
That become more than just background noise,
More like spiteful parodies,
As you laugh with yourself
Lost in your negativity.
Breaking those around you,
Losing others along the way,
I won't be able to take it for much longer,
Can't stand your negative ways.

"What do you hide behind your smile?"*
Behind my smile, you'll find the pain of multiple heart breaks.
Behind my smile, you'll find the deaths of people who I still haven't accepted to be gone.
Behind my smile, you'll find an insecure girl who won't allow you to see any piece of her.
Behind my smile, you'll find a lost soul.
Behind my smile, you'll find the millions of times I've said "I'm fine" when really I was in indescribable pain.
Behind my smile, you'll find unspeakable thoughts.
Behind my smile, you'll find the stress of trying to make my parents proud because I'm considered the "**** up" child.
Behind my smile, you'll find my love for sad songs.
Behind my smile, you'll find my love for twisted love stories.

Behind my smile, you'll find things you would never expect.

                                  B.S.

10:23: Hey, I miss you.
11:47: I hope you're okay.
1:19: Please text me back, I'm worried.
2:10: Come back. Come back. Come back.
3:14: I'm so sorry.
3:26: I love you. Please reply.
3:58: Okay, well I'll be here if you need me.
4:17: I love you.

He never replied, but I'm still waiting.


          

                                 B.S.