I've had many days like this one,
Doing everything just to feel nothing or think nothing.
Distraction has always been the solution
Time goes by as feelings get ignored
Embracing Mundane saturday evening routines, just like every other day before
Pretending to be hardworking, working towards a goal
Just to arrive at another friday evening just as distracted as the friday evening the week before

Whenever I try to figure out what went wrong,
that one person comes to mind Saying "don't you think its all in your mind"
That one sentence gets me thinking, breaking, hating!!
I hate myself!!
Maybe i did this to myself!
Made it worst that what it was
distorted my memories to make me hate me!
where did it all go wrong?
what did i do wrong?
I just remember being me...
Then they broke me, they played me, made me believe that being me was wrong and laughed after it all.
Cause maybe it was funny, Being me!
So now i don't know what to think!!
I don't know what to feel?
Because for as much as i know, as she said, it could be all in my head.
I hate me!!

Those vile smiles, I still see them so clearly
Those  unpleasant words, I still heard them so loudly,
I remember looking up at them, smiling, Hurting, Believing, hating me!
That young me!!
Smiling and laughing as they did, Knowing they hated me!
But what could i have done?
What should i have believed?
Who should I have believed in?
When the tell me thats me?

Was it my fault that i was different?
I didn't ask to be!
Now how can i be "ME"?
For years One day at a time I've grown to believe the things they said to me.
When they told me who i am and who i should be! I didn't yet think of who i was or who i wanted to be!
But everyone seemed to think the same things about me!
I'm sorry that I'm me!

Sometimes i don't want to be here
Sometimes i feel like disappearing...
...to a place where no one knows my name, my past, or ME.
Sometimes i feel like deleting all my social media
and cutting off all connection with the world.
But when i do, then come back to it all, I realized that no one cared, no one noticed.
So now even when those feelings come again, I stay here,  let my feelings be, and fight through, in hopes that there's at least one good day ahead.
one good day when someone shows that they care even just a little,
to get me through all the bad days to come,
just to look forward for that one good day again.

afraid to close your eyes
you slowly dive into peaceful sleep .
awaken by the terror of the night
you hear yourself screaming. then a sudden wave of wind passes over your body.
awake but not alive,
you're paralyze.
as you struggle to open your eyes, your breath goes, pitch black is all you see under pasted eyelids, that refuse to open

buried in the dark of the night
lying in a cage
trying to escape the devils trap
but there's no way to go
not one chance to move
then your body rebels, as you think "maybe I should...". then the world pauses.
now even your mind is paralyzed.
nothing to think of, but your mind flooded by an ocean of thoughts
and every joint in your body refuses to move
like a magnet, the negativity of the situation repels against the little positivity left in you
creating a force, stronger that you can bare.

then a soft voice appears
a soft, painful mourn,
a request for help
but its your voice,
your voice outside of you
you sense your own presence
"but how can that be??!
but that's me!"
puzzled and confused

only at the thought of that, there's pain
pain consuming your body
like a heavy stone being placed at the center at your heart
now you can't speak. you can't think. at least not about anything but the pain
scaring your body with the weight of its life,
and piercing your soul, to retrieve its  lost humanity

stuck in a world of pain
where the night never seems to surprise you.
your eyes opens in the vividness of the night
to your relief.
only to be ****** back into terror
as a black flowing shadow approaches you
the electricity in its body is released, sending shockwaves down your spine
your spine is paralyzed, now you're truly glued to your bed

its flowing arms, takes hold of your only way to live
and its possessive eyes gazing strongly to yours
the terror now grows.
there's no way to look away
your eyes refuses to cooperate
forced to look
tension grows.
you panic.
you cry.

this shadowy intruder releases
and like a gust of wind quickly passing
but the pain and terror remained
wounded.
the scars on your body a reminder of want inhumanity felt like.
you awake confused.
frightened. weak.
you know this wasn't a dream

"Tell me about you" he whispers,
I want to know more
I've seen you before,
So I couldn't ignored....
The elegance in your steps
The truth you profess
A genuine interest even in my disinterest

You once threatened my innocence with words harsh and thoughts that ran wild,
creating sensations that numb the mind, heart and soul
But keeps the body alive, vulnerable!
Aware you take advantage, controlling the corpse like body for your good
Fulfilling you desire to win me over as i enjoy the momentary pleasure, which slowly, suddenly fades into regret and resentment
You leave me pleading with my mind and soul to grow stronger for it won't be long until come again whispering your beautiful lies into my ears.
Lies i believe knowing the truth,just for one moment of pleasure in exchange for a lifetime of regret

But now your wispers are no longer heard,
No feelings of resisting
But guilt before it all begins
Aware of the thoughts u create
Its my own mind that renders its self numb, helpless
In the palm of your hands I've come to fulfill your desires without complaining or resisting
I thought one day I'd be able to over come this but little did i know it's become a part of me an infected *****
That suddenly attacks the body, when least expected
I can't resist any longer
again i fall into the devil's snare