When I was a kid
I used to spend hours on the monkey bars
I would walk home with sore arms and a cheeky grin
My hands were built of thick calluses
Leaking crimson as they ripped open time and time again
I didn’t mind
As I got older
It got harder to hold myself up
I was too tall
Head peeking over the metal chains
The magic was lost
Looking back
It’s kinda funny that one of the best memories of my childhood was also the bloodiest.

As a kid
My family celebrated Christmas
Every year
Even though I’m Jewish, my mom’s family is Atheist
So we did it for the tradition
And not much else
It’s always fun to make-believe
That good behavior will be rewarded with presents
As opposed to coal
I think, maybe, that I was always just excited
That someone who wasn’t obligated to
cared enough to watch what I was doing
Even if it was to judge me
Deep down, though
I knew he wasn’t real
I knew that making us go downstairs
And close our eyes
Was just a formality
To preserve the folly
As long as possible
There was no man in a red suit coming to reward us
Or shower us in gifts
Because we ate our vegetables and
Brushed our teeth and did our homework
I knew he was an incentive
Because if Santa ceased to exist the moment a child laid eyes on him
Wouldn’t he already be gone?

I know there’s something wrong with me
There has been for a long time
I know I can’t smile like I used to
This grin is a crude forgery, the cheap kind of counterfeit you don’t want to accept is fake
I know there’s something missing from my programming
Something small
A comma or backslash that is vital for executing the intended functions
I’m 11 point font on a final paper
Your professor might not notice it but that doesn’t change the fact that it’s inadequate
I’m the shoddy locks on a downtown apartment; just for show
I am imitation crab
Cheap
I am the live action remake of a beloved childhood cartoon
I’ll never be able to capture the magic
I am a bathroom sink dye job
The colorless strands muddy the result
I am the green skin hidden by a cheap ring
I am the leaves in your gutter
Out of sight, out of mind
I am a municipal oversight
You won’t realize there are loopholes in your laws until it’s too late
I am the rushed ending to an otherwise wonderful novel
Disappointing
I am a pulled muscle you can’t quite forget about
The sleeve of an old hoodie you worry at when you’re bored
I am the weekly meeting you can’t get out of
The ‘before’ picture
I am the dead batteries in a fire alarm
A fatal mistake
I am the cracked camera on a brand new iPhone
A burnt out light bulb
I am a dress that gets ripped in the wash
A pink shirt that’s leached into crisp white socks
An unwanted stump tarnishing a perfectly manicured lawn
I am the behavior you can’t train out
The shakes that won’t go away no matter how long you’ve been sober
A slant rhyme
I am a dead outlet
A fraying charger
The flat tire you never learned how to change
I am an A.I. that will never quite pass for human
Manufactured mannerisms
Improvised idiosyncrasies
I am the package that comes broken
The chores you never quite get around to
A new building you won’t live to see
I am a botched haircut
An infected piercing
I am inherently flawed
Tainted by the trespassings of my forefathers

Your heart is an heirloom that I can’t help but claim as my own
An antique watch: cracked ivory face, brittle steel frame, and fraying leather band
A ratty sweatshirt from a forgotten holiday
A bottle of old nail polish swiped from your sister’s dresser
A broken computer in the school library
A dented car you got for your sweet sixteen
An internship from your nepotistic uncle
A hollow house you inherited after a tragic death
A shaggy dog left behind by a cousin who moved away
A name you pass on to your progeny
A gift you’ve entrusted to me

There are no words to describe being
u/n/m/a/d/e
Picked a p a r t
Until nothing but molecules remain
A fire extinguished
A corpse e~x~s~a~n~g~u~i~n~a~t~e~d
There is no peace in being broken down
When only the base remains
It doesn’t matter if you s-m-i-l-e
Or not
If you’ve showered
Or eaten
You can’t be starved if there’s nothing left to starve
You are the wisps of dust caught in a ray of sun
The carbon dioxide exhaled by everyone on this tiny p≈l≈a≈n≈e≈t
You are moonlight
Reaching for nothing
No need for physical affection
There’s no body for you to hold on to
No blessings to c'o'u'n't
Or clothes to fuss over
Just
Nothingness

People are always telling me to put on a coat
“Bundle up, it’s cold out!”
I never do, not really
The coat comes off as soon as they’re out of sight
I find the cold calming
It helps me focus
I step outside and it embraces me like an overbearing aunt
Grips me tight and doesn’t let me go
It’s warm, inviting, familiar, familial
I love it
I always have a friend in the winter, I just have to step outside
The rest of my family hates it
My mom says I’m “warm-blooded”
That’s what she always tells people when they ask
That’s what I tell them too
But, really, I think it’s the opposite
I think the reason I love it so much is because we’re one and the same
I think I’ve got ice in my veins
So a little on my skin doesn’t hurt

I donned you like a warm coat on a winter’s day  and I got lost as I zipped myself within
The chill couldn’t penetrate the thick down of your sleeves and I felt safe, if only for a moment
Then the material began to wear and run at the seams
And I held fast, not because I was scared of losing you completely, but because I could never wear just pieces of you
Through the holes came the wind
And with the wind came the change of the seasons
Then, as the frost faded and the warmth came, I began to wonder why I  had even needed a coat at all
And I’d nearly forgotten the sting of the cold by the time it had returned