Here are 17 reasons I'm afraid to fall in love:
1: Love. It's so annoyingly, terrifying complex, and vague
2: The lack of independence required. Fallin in love implies that there is another person, and I have grown so used to doing everything on my own
3: What if I ask for too much?
4: what if THEY ask for too much?
5: Sometimes, the strength of my own feelings terrifies me
6: Not being able to trust them enough
7: Trusting them too much, and watching that trust be broken
8: The part where I show you my scars and wait with bated breath to see if you trace them with love and kindness, or with scorn
9: The scars themselves
10: Letting someone love me, all of me because that means they first have to see all of me
11: That when eventually I let you see the demons I keep locked up inside me you will turn and run away with fear in your eyes and a screaming clawing its way out of your throat.
12: Or that they will see those demons and use them to their advantage, help them grow
13: What if they want to get married?
14: The idea Weddings themselves
15: That someday I could be happily taken, and no longer will be that wild girl who kissed whoever she wanted because there was no one to discuss whether or not that was ok within their relationship
16: What if I am the only one who actually falls? And while falling has never scared me, the rush and the exhilaration excites me, being alone has always been my biggest fear. What if I take that leap of faith off that cliff, and turn in time to see you give me one last glance before walking away, opting for the safety of the solid ground
17: What if it all works out. What if for the first time in my life I give my heart to someone, they give theirs back, and we are completely, healthily, happy together. What if they see my scars and make beautiful art out of them. What if they acknowledge my demons, shake each and every one of their hands, and make peace with them. What if they make a home for themselves in my heart, help me patch up the broken pieces, and weave the shredded fabric of my soul back together. What if I let them, and for once, finally feel like I have someone to constantly depends upon.

He felt like home
I cannot easily explain it
But when I’m around him
He feels like home
But I’ve come to realize
He may feel like my home
But I do not feel like his
And I’m ok with that
As long as I keep my friend
And can still feel that piece of home
I’ll be ok

My mom always asks me why I always have something playing in the background
She asks why I don't enjoy the silence
Meditate a little maybe
Music is so loud
Turn it off sometimes
Enjoy the peace
She doesn't understand
With silence, all the bad thoughts come creeping back
Like moths to the flame
I use music to drown them out
Push them aside
Extinguish that flame for just a little longer
She doesn't understand that there is danger is silence for people like me
'Why not sit in your thoughts?'
Thoughts can be deadly
Thoughts are what I fight to keep away
There is no peace in the silence
Only violence and pain
Music holds it back
Like the walls of a dam
Holding back the deadly waves of a flood
So no, I don't think I'll turn the music off

You don't get to ask me why the **** I have trust issues
You didn't have your best friend suddenly leave
The person you leaned on for support the most
You aren't the one who was told
by many people
I'll be there for you
And then they just ignored you
You weren't jokingly told lies,
insulted in the form of teasing
And put down my people you thought would never say or do something like that
You've never felt unwanted by everyone around you
Stuck in the shadow of someone you're close to
You haven't lived my life
So you don't get to ask my why the **** I have trust issues

Pain is my constant companion these days
She walks with me through my day
Sits with me as a cry
Whispers in my ear as I write
And laughs at me as a draw each night
In the late hours of the night
And the early hours of the morning
Out of sight
Waiting desperately for someone to notice
But praying they never do at the same time
I just want it to end

These words in my head get loud
And no matter how hard a try
I can't drown them out

I drew tonight
For the first time in 6 months
13 days
5 hours
and 22 minutes
I rolled up my sleeves and got to work
I thought I would feel bad
For drawing after so long
But I feel nothing
Not one flicker of emotion
Even as the red ink stained my canvas
It was liberating if anything
To draw finally
after months of wanting to but being too afraid
It has now been 17 minutes
and 38 seconds
Since I last drew

Why are you always so quiet love?
I’m not actually
What do you mean?
The girl turned toward the other with a faint smile
My heart is always speaking
This world just doesn’t know how to hear it yet

What has made that girl so strong?
They asked me
The truth is she wasn’t always strong
There once was a day when she had no idea what she was doing
When the words from her lips were as forced as the smile on her face
Where the bracelets on her wrists were as much to hide the scars
As they were to add a little more to her outfit
There is nothing you can say or do to hurt her
That she hasn’t already done to herself
Those words you used to insult her?
She’s repeated them a thousand times as she lay in bed
Unable to sleep
Unable to breath past the thoughts in her mind
She’s had people leave without a reason
Without a goodbye
Closing the door without a glance back
She’s broken her own heart more times then she can count
She’s felt lost
Like she was drifting out in a sea of nothingness
No lifeboat to be seen
So the reason this girl is so strong
Is because she’s gone through all that
And still has the strength to smile and laugh
Like nothing matters in the world but this moment

Who is she?
The stranger asked
Motioning to the girl
Who's colored hair streams out behind her
As she gazes out over the water
She is nobody and everybody
I replied
Why is her gaze filled with such sadness?
Because she sees more than you and I
The stranger looked confused
She sees the world as it once was
And as it could have been
She appears happy and carefree in conversation
But you will never hold her full attention
That girl has one foot in this world
And one foot in another
Forever torn between the two
Forever feeling emotions from both
How do you know all this?
The stranger asked
I just smiled
Because, dear friend, that girl is me

There’s a field by my house
A big open empty field
People hardly ever go there
However, there’s a girl
She weaves through the stone
In the hours after the sun sets
No one else seems to see her
But when I waved she waved back
And I knew she was real.
This went on for years
Every night I'd wave to her,
She’d wave back
And we’d both smile
But I remember one night in particular
As I drove past the field with my mom I waved
She waved back
Then there was a screech
The blinding flash of headlights
Then darkness
Now the girl and I weave through the headstones together

There are girls
Made of glass and sunshine
And when they smile
The whole world goes blind
Except for this presence
This person of light
Because when you smile so wide
You can't be sad, right?
But how about when that smile
Hides the pain and the truth
Of a girl who is broken
And wasting her youth
With tears of the past
And things she can't change
when the world beats you down
And her own face seems strange
The places she loved
no longer feel like home
And her soul cries out
Just let me drift away with the foam
Because the truth is this
Glass is still glass
and hers shattered along time ago
and no one sees the pain
behind each hello

Empath
Everyone thinks we have a cool superpower
They romanticize it
Call it a gift
It's not
Its a curse
Becomes how can you deal with pain
That isn't yours
Not knowing where it comes from tears me apart
And makes it so hard to get rid of
It feels like a hand has your heart in an ever-tightening fist
And you can't get free

Get me out of here
before I crack
Before I say something I'll actually regret
Before I shatter into the million pieces of rage that I am becoming
Get me out of here
Before there's none of ME left

I hate when people ask me
'Are you ok?'
No, I'm not
And you would know this if you actually paid attention
If you looked passed my smiles to see the pain in my eyes
Watched how every other thought causes me to wince
Noticed how I barley sleep
Seen past the terrible lies of 'I'm just stressed'
And called me out on my badly fabricated stories of why I can't see to pay attention
But nobody does, no matter how many hints I give
And I will never reach out
Because in my head it will forever be
A bad time

I'm running out of words to type
But the torrent of words in my heart never stops
This world just doesn't know how to hear them

The one person I trust the most
Is the person farthest out of my reach
And the one person I should love the most
Is the one I can't wait to get away from

How do you ask for help
Without hating the words as they come out?
How can I open up
when as soon as I've said it I regret it
I am an actress
A poet
A writer
And yet I'm not good with words
Not when they tear open parts of my soul
I want to keep sealed

Every day is another fight
With words twisted into knives
And sentences hurled like spears
I can't stop it
Anger lives in my like Lava in a volcano
Spirting ash and smoke till it finally explodes
I want to go somewhere else
But where can you go when everyone is so far away
My soul calls for freedom
Like an abandoned bird calls to its flock
But it never answers
And is out of my reach as the ledge of stability slowly crumble beneath me

They say home is where your family is
But what happens when home no longer feels like home
and you have nowhere left to go

The people who say nature doesn’t have a life of its own
Have never asked the fire to dance
And had the fire say yes

I never meant it to go this far
I always said I would stop before I did something I'd regret
But the truth is
I don't regret it
Even as the blood runs across my arm
And the knife stings my skin
I don't regret nor feel bad for what I've done
And I don't want to stop
Part of me is beginning to wonder
When will it be far enough

Thoughts are and interesting thing
They can drive you mad
Or keep you sane
They can calm you down
Or freak you out
They can keep you up
Or put you to sleep
But even when no one else is there
Your always have your thoughts

I feel like I'm losing you
And tears run down my face
and I try to grasp what that could mean
the person who stood by my side through everything
the only one I told when things got rough
and the first person to know when it really counted
but I can't do a one-sided friendship
and as I watch your fingers slip through mine as I fall
I feel my heart shatter like glass on the floor
goodbye
-Someone who cared

I struggle with words
More then people would guess
And I don't understand
How people can see past the pain in my eyes
And fall for the fake smile on the lips

Hi
A simple word
but even the smallest things
can hide a world of pain

I would tell you how I feel
How my heart jumps every time I see you
How your smile brightens my day
And your laugh fill my heart
I would tell you how I feel
But I don’t know who you are
I can tell your there
Waiting just around the corner
And I yearn to call you
To hear your voice
But I don’t know what it sounds like
I would tell you everything
Every pain
Every joy
Every moment of my life
And I for once someone would know everything
I need you here
But I don’t know you yet

Make up your mind
Am I too skinny or too fat?
Too short or too tall?
Do I wear too much makeup, or do I need to wear more?
Is my dress too long or too short?
Hell, should I even be wearing dresses at all
Am I too dressed up or too dressed down?
Is my hair the right length or should I cut it?
Am I too outgoing or too quiet?
Show your shoulders
Don't show your shoulders
Don't show too much skin
Why do you always wear long sleeves?
That's too modest
That's too provocative
Wear heels
But only if you're a certain height
You're really good at that
For a girl
Be yourself
But only the way we say you can be yourself
Make up your mind
Because we can't do both
And being in the middle is tearing us apart
Or better yet
Mind your own ******* business

Ever feel like your in a movie?
Like each frame moves you closer and closer to an end goal?
I feel that way sometimes
Except here's the difference:
It's not my movie
I'm not the person this film is about
The plot involves me
But I am not the key person in the story
I'm the best friend who everyone loves
But nobody would peg as their favorite character
Forever in the shadow of the hardworking lead role
It's sad really
To think I'll always be number two
Forever the expendable second choice
But what can you do
When it's someone else's movie

He said 'Write a poem that feels happy'
I tried
I really did
But true happiness now is fleeting
It has its moments
But they are few and far between
Like rain in the dry season
Or sun in the winter
I tried
I really did
And the poem I wrote was close
but it wasn't happy
Content maybe
Powerful definitely
But not fully happy
But I guess that's my life now

You try to lash out
To be the one with the last word
But I'm not listening
And you know it
You're words run over me like water over rocks in a stream
They stick for only a second
before they are washed passed by the ever-moving mass that is time
I wait
One sigh in a galaxy
One tear in a multiverse
And that's all you get
When your torrent of words ends
I smile
For the first time in a long while
And this time I truly mean it
I thank you for sharing Nod politely
and turn to go my separate way

This world was made for light and hope
But I was made for darkness and secrets never told
While most were made from sun, from blazing glory
My essence is from the moon, it's beautiful song that tells a terrible story
This world is a world of the happy and the kind
But I am a person of chaos and the blackness that blinds
The dark awakening
The silent Empress
It writhes and twists
Growing like the seeds of a Cyprus
As each day it's branches
Of desires never fulfilled
And the hearts deep scratches
Curl their talons around my heart
And run their leaves down my spine
But never to tear me apart
People think darkness is a burden, a curse
But they are wrong
It is beautiful and powerful, not worse
Like the water rushing over a ledge
Roaring as it crashes and thunders down
Chaos in it's controlled path, a pledge

When I tell people
That my heart HAS been broken
And they ask
What ******* man would dare break my heart
I tell them it wasn't a man
It wasn't even a lover
It was my best friend

My garden
It's whithered
But death brings new life
It's blacked
But there is beauty it's darkness
It's falling apart
But only I know how to put it back together
Many have tried to plant there
But each ones plants have died
And I have pushed them all out