Pumping kids full of saccharine,
Sweet and polite.
Stifling opinions;
Momma's always right.

Filling teens up with adrenaline.
Inhaling their orciprenaline,
Taking their societal medicine.
Routines to keep them aligned.

I've got a little inkling
In my lower gut
Telling me society is curling
whirling, twirling and swirling-


All these kids from the same politically relevant muck.

Coffee colored crayons next to creamy colored mugs
Coffee shop delights and simple demonic insights.
I inquire on them both:
How dare the simple innocence of a child sipping cocoa
Disrupt emotions vividly to lead into insanity..-
Simplicity.
Eventually we all crack-don’t you see?
Cocoa turns to ash,
And child into druggie trash
Don’t you see? We all Crack; Crash; Smash and Bash-
Our sanity is fragile like glass
And it’s mallet is simply time.
Don’t you see?? It’s simply-
Simplicity
We all Crack; Crash; Burn.
The blood inside our hearts-
Now our veins,
Now our arms.
The blood inside our hearts moves until a force stops it.
Taking pill to mouth, finger to bottle, pill to mouth. Again. Again.
Stop it- The insight into the truth is getting harder and harder to swallow.
Now take a walk down the block of gravel and rock
The clock ticks down your time.
You aspire to be no more, I see-
Well, others aspire to see.
To speak.
To even breathe again.
Your freedom is hitting the end of it’s road;
Mallet of time cracks the clock-
You fall.
People mourn a death, the break in time.
But little do they hear their own TICK.
We ALL Crack; Crash and Burn.
-----------------------------------------------------------­---------------Another one!
Dedicated to Cat. I’ll find you again, friend. I promise.
Thank you.

Eyes heavy..
Body aching..
Tears reigning..
Cradling into yourself...

When did you last feel
The most alive?

Glimpses of air,
Waves flooding your bloodstream.
You kinda thought I might care.

Drowning, swallowing currents of
ANXIOUS
Death;
When the moonlight spills over your ****** wrists
Sliced on a sharp razor blade of
DEEP REMORSE
For the cracking bones under your taunt,
carved skin.
Ripping your arm
OPEN!
Screaming silenced whimpers
Into the torn skin,
nails ripping on bone and tendon
NIGHTMARES.

Bashing skull inwards hoppin' off 4-story thoughts,
Twinkling stars shimmer a warm
darkness
onto your eyelids
until the word
Almost seems
Okay.

Until you seem okay.

-Splashes my reflection-
Why...

Swirling colors. Life is swirling colors. Every shade, every mixture, and every emotion all at once stuffing my peripheral vision. See, life is beautiful and overwhelming. See, life is senses. Be it touch, scent, view, sound, or taste: Life is everything. From the icy oxygen you breathe to the thumping scare in your heart, you are life. A creation, small or tall or heavy or scrawny! You are... No;
WE are!
And WE are meaningful.

Once, we were told to live our lives. In childhood likely; I wouldn't know as I was busy living mine.

Unflawed minds seek a destiny no other mind can dream to crave for,
Understand things no other mind would bother learning.
These unflawed minds know no boundaries,
And by that law they are suppressed.

Suppressed minds dare to dream!

My mental slip mentality; thoughts and feelings in the 'flesh':

Slamming head on a metal board of bunk bed mass,
Body in a cold sweat of hyperventilation,
Hyperbass flute of a banging heart; Brass knuckle BUMP THUMP.

Ribcage rattlers!! Running for the communal like an athlete-
Legs a gelatin mold of fabricated lies; Sliced as unevenly as the cursive words that spell "Hell No! Run!".

Fight or flight-ing the oxygen entering your lungs-
Baby girl slow dancing into an acrobatics show,
Flips and whips of cardiovascular hyperactivity
WHEN
My heart even glimpses at what it once was!!

So scorching flames of liquid lead
Drip through bathroom faucets, fogging and filming over it ALL...

My nightmare is scratching at my skin!!
Crap... ****** finger breaths when you understand.

Head in hands
Sobbing your oxygen back into your lungs
Icy air from windows
Blending with the muddled confusion of other campers
And the fog of every scorching faucet
Wrapping me in a tense comfort.

Inhale, exhale.
Don't touch me.
Can't name me from the crowd of children in your wake..
I'm a loaded gun,
****** nails
for
Eruptive violence.
Known as the mental one.

The gradual silence of other showers shutting off
And dispersing of clustered adults and youth.


Finally, you arrive.
This time I'm fully clothed.
Red from scorching my demons
With my screeching, panicked roar.
You calmly float by...
And panic attack central is pierced-

finally.

The beige-blue cotton
and
Light pink sandals
Move close-

Flicking off the shower.
Offering her hand, not to hold, but to observe.
5 fingers, 4 pinks, 3 spotted, 2 lined, and one bent.


Keep it together.
If you falter again, those looks from
CAMP NOWHERE
Will put you in
THE HOLE.

'she', therapist and friend along with them.

(IN MIND)
You aren't crazy, baby...
Just scared.
So, SO scared.
Of yourself.

Count
What you can see.
5
4
3
2
1

I wake up tired. Stinging, aching, burning, Sore-
good morning, ceiling
of drywall sky.
I wish I could curl up, warm, tight, soft, light-
goodbye, life.
I'm ready to die.

"Not yet, you have stuff to do today"

He chants in whispy grounded words.
Wordy biting, chilling curse:
Imaginary friend of mine, a lifeline all the same.
Whisper what you want from me, don't leave! I'm not a game.

He played me yet again, I see.
I'm as alive as any gal can be.
I went through days waiting for him,
but he only comes when the sky is drywall.
When my world is aching, quaking, shaking- Melting at the touch.
He only comes when I need a hero,
SuperStagnant, comin' in for the clutch.
I hate you.
Yet I need you.
We saved me,
Now I'll leave you.
-----------------------------------------------
------------­--------------------
For Christopher, my imaginary friend since I was 9. I miss you.

Dina ögon påminner mig om galaxen, färgglad och djup.
Ditt leende är solskenet, eftersom det lyser genom gott och dåligt.
Och ditt hjärta ... Åh, hur det sprider sig.
Hjärtans vänlighet slår som pinnar på en ståltrumma, vibrerar och slår mot alla som hör det med känslor. Du är en krusning i tiden men din mening går klart igenom minnen från alla andra. Du är min vän och du är min gåva. Det här är min gåva till dig.
Jag är glad att vi träffades. Jag hoppas att din krusning gör att du gör något omöjligt.
----------------------------------
To Cat, because she understands.

February 26th, I wrote a poem in Swedish. Here is the same poem, but translated. Enjoy<3
--------------------------------------------
Your eyes remind me of the galaxy, colorful and deep.
Your smile is the sunshine, because it shines through good and bad.
And your heart ... Oh, how it's spreading.
The kindness of your heart strikes like sticks on a steel drum,
vibrates and hits every person who hears it with emotion.
You are a ripple in time but your meaning clearly goes
through the memories of everyone else. You are my friend and you are my gift. This is my gift to you.
I'm glad we met. I hope your ripple makes you do something impossible.

Warm milk
Tired eyes
No anxiety
Full tummy
Full comfort
In your arms
Drifting, yes,
Slowly but surely.

When you said forever, it locked me in a cage.
Your words put down spells- smells of sage
To smoke out the spirit in ME:
A hollow cavity...
chest-thumping, pumping oxygen-
ribs rattling with cough.
yet the spirit up and flew away
When you said yesterday.
As I woke up in bed
'It's safer If I leave instead'.
And maybe I will whither.
hitherto I'm fine, I exist:
naught beyond these walls of anxiety to hope for or land to roam;
my ways of naive trusting? Gone for
the GOOD.
And of names?
I let them go.
I am space.
Everlasting and floating, touching everything and nothing.
no, connect to 'normal' reality.
And THAT is what you stole...
theft of the city inside my chest,
gold and bronze intentions attracted influxes of immorals...
though you'd barely know
anything.
Or, no...
you'd known everything.

The light streaming through the crystal clear glass doors-
warming our skin, igniting our giggles.
But we did not freeze in time.
We were engraved in my memory to remember.
33 months since I last held you close.
147 weeks since your smile held me captive.
1032 days, 24,756 hours
and 1,485,414 minutes
Since that moment where time was still infinite.
Tomorrow was still tomorrow,
Not two years ago today.
89,124,860 seconds
and I still crave what we had.

Slip of the tongue, Slide the bolt into place.
Bring your bare fingertips to the Smooth,
Orange surfaces of your sanctuary walls.
Matte finish.

Let the colors melt- Melting, dripping Into LSD infused music.
Let your bones jingle to the Crocodile Rock Whilst
stripping your skin And clothes off.

Let the colors drip into your left iris, right.
****, let them melt through your bloodstream as
Tears Rake the fridge for a beer or five.

You are held by only me and the sound
Of every smile, you've ever meant.

Dazed reflections, mirror gazing-
You are we and I am us: We are One, Not another.

Eyes grow heavy, days go by;
I never needed, never missed, never wanted
You.
Rose scented giggles, cuddling cool fur.
Soft, fluffed pillows. Warm, thick comforters.

The light blue dissolves and floats up from your eyes- Cloudy cool, wind-whipped, cream colored ceiling. Hazel eyes, lids closing, geometric veins flit past the shadows.
Then- Sleep.

Knees skipping around on tar-traced street corners,
blood sleeping like the wine in DRIVER'S cup.
Purple-blue bruises boil over into the left lane-
Like the car that hit her.
Swerving, cruising, napping away.
Gentle hum and reckless sways turn into a
Crunching thud, splattering what COULD be a puddle onto
the roads.
Slippery smooth frost, lover, except winter was now called
DRUNK...

Knees the color of a powdered apricot-
Red POOLING around the body...
Past the legs..,
Into hell, 'cause her body would never be with her soul again.

And he
KEPT
ON
CRUISING.

Overgrown and uprooted, replanted and shocked.
Wilted and winded, ripped and picked.

So I left and I learned and I lived, laughed and grew.
Blended learning over grass stained blue jeans
And splattered paint on my Nikes.

Cut my hair and dyed my skin, pierced my lips and ripped my skirts.
Chrysalis, born but not aged;
Broken but not bathed in it.

And Yet!
I have moved foreword in life.
I’ve moved and I feel reborn.

Pattering rain like the stars are crying; seeing us lost:
It's the kind of night when you inhale frost.
I'm lost.
Steps through the grass, sharp like glass,
A trail of lost love and laughing gas.
Smashed bottles & makeup mirrors, Laughing dolls and trippy dealers-
Ah, this trail brings back memories...
Brings back memories...
Brings back pain.
****** paws leaving moist red splotches in the rain.
Sun peeks a few rays over the trees,
First the blues, then the pinks and lavenders, then the white.
The blinding white of rainy clouds.
stripped of our sheet of night.
The stars fall asleep
I'm at peace...
Or so they say.
-------------------------------------
Walks at night can be as inspiring as laying in bed looking at glowing green star-stickers.

Imagine if you had loved me like I loved you.
Where would we be now?

Sometimes
the sweetest things
in life
are artificial
...
Yum.

My soul,
a wasteland of salt and sulfur,
is heavily
-DRIPPING-
 In My Own


Ḇ̸̫̓͂͒̀̓̀̽́ḽ̶̨̝̘̖̳̫̙͇̣̘͍̤̦̹͉̓̎̾͆̂̃͋̌̃̕͝͠ó̸̧̮̳̯̣̘́̃̕̕͝o̷̔­̡̛͇̤̹̹͎̩̤̜̙d̴̛̳̑̒͛̎̀̐̓ ̷̲͍͎̩̰̳̔̑͊̂̄̇͐̀͗̔͑̓̓͠



Because my
Soul
Is full of secrets;
Because my soul
Is full
Of Lies.

Wring them out,
whip and crackle.
Droptop,
SAY
Mouth of tackle;
-Hooked on love-
Falling in hate.
Screech, Stop.
Red light-
-POP-
mental fatigue.
Drowning in silence
Ringing beads,
bit lip babes.
Marbles, pink and green.
****** teeth with shark tooth scars.

Yeah, my soul is quite a show.
Don't you know?
Crackled, snaggled:
Running from slippery truths.

Slip-n-slide
Ride or die
Come with me


Let's feast
...







L̶̛̛̛̛͌̓̈̀̋͒̂̀̒̒͌̎̂̃̆̋̐̾̈́͌̔̾͆̀̉̆̇̔͐̋̚̚̕̚̕̕̚̚̚̕͝͝­̢̧̫̠̭̣͇͆ḛ̵̡̲͇͒͛̓̌̃͐̀͒͛͛̔̿͗͛͐̈́̌̍̈́͛̂̅͘̚̕͠͝ͅt̵́̌͋̂̍̀͋̀͒̀̿̊̉̏̏͊̒̓̅̾͠­̧̨̧̢̻̯̳̻̠͚͇͍̦̩̠̲̠̝̖͔̮͎̰͈̱̻̣̝͇͓̗͉̲̤̝̙̙͚̺̯̲̼͓́̀̽̈̇͛̓̌̍̒̐̾͊̚͜͠ͅ'̸̐̂̀­̢̧̢̢̪̻͈͔̝̲͓̣̗̩̪̣̣͖̤̹̣̬͔̦̱̱̬̬̥̲͕̬̲͍̺̦͉̣́̔̽̇͆̉̀̀̓͆̉̆̇̈́̋̐̃̍̾̕̚̕͜͜͜͝ͅ­̨͉ṣ̴̨͎͈̖̞͐̓͂̋̍̌̐̇̇̉̈̈̂̉̎͠͝͝ ̶̧̛͇͖̟̫̯̳̹̱͖̦̖̣̮̥̺̱̣͇͔̘̬̼͇͋̓̃̆̆̀̎̇̍̏͛̈͋̊̓̅̑̅̄͑͋̑̏̓̓̂̽̄͐̌̊̈̓̎͘̚͘̚̕­͍̤̖̟̻d̸̢̧̛̛̛̤͉̪̗̪̥̲͉͓͉͖͍͔̰̖́̾̾͐̑̈̔̈́̾̑̽̿̊̍̿̆̓̉̾̇̓͆̐̆͒̀̈́̊̈́̓͘͘͘͜͠͝͝ͅ­͕̪̯͍͍͔̲̜̖̺͜i̵̻͖͎̅̾́͑͑͐͒͗̎͑͆̈́̀̀̏̇̇̅̎̇̉́̎̇̊͂̈͋̂͌̒́̊̋̀̀̉̚͘͘̕̕̕n̶̔͛̕͝­̧̢̡̢̺̩̥͕̦̤̯̪̠͉̦̗̼̻͖̜͉̫̰͎͖͇̠̘̥̖̜̦̥͍̙̞̜̪͍̜̌̎̀͗͑̎̅̂̏͜͜e̶͑͌͒͌̿̓̓̀͊͑̋̕­̧̢̢̡͖̹̟̝͎̙͎̱̹̺̰͓̠͖̮͙̙̻̤̫͚̳̭̖̭͔̮͓͚̖̥̺͇̯͙̲̤̿́̏̍͐͒̎̊̅̓̈̿̆̉́̕͜͜͠.̶̈́̅͝­̧̧̧̞̳̞͇̱̘̖̬̩̭̭̥̺̖͕̱̪̳̪̳̖͓̗̫̘͍̥͔̯͖̦̯̯̩̯̖͌̋́͊̄̽͊̓͂̀̏̌̄̒̽̈͌̒̂͐̈́͛͘͜ͅͅ­̘̻̭̰̠̲͇̭.̷̧̧̡̼̫̰̟͇̳̱͙̣̠̈́͌̇͘ͅ.̶̡̥̮͈̻̮̻̒̍̎̐̈́̚͝

I feel like my soul is looking at me,
Tutting and shaking its head.

In the Process:
Retouching the paint
Of a friendship and
A love,
Once forgotten
But now found.

During that, don't you know!
Something old, Whithered, burnt...
Is now
Found.
Someone old
Brings back a someone even older.
Someone corrupt.
Someone who is cracking me without a word spoken.

I look away, thoughts racing in my skull.
(Indie 100 track!
Vroom,
Speed of sound.
121 gigawatts power this
THUMP THUMP THUMP THUMP THUMPing
Heart of mine.

His real and true first lie
Was an L.

So much care-
In a phase of phantom ghosts
Scraping the insides of this skull.

So much thought-
No sleep Sundays,
Running miles into the night.
Glancing onto Monday morning,
Chug some life into my soul
and
Hop on the bus.

So much energy-
Calling me at knifepoint,
200 pills to count
On the cusp of the gorgeous linoleum mattress-
Head cradling cell,
Musical sobs begging me
NOT TO,
Blood seeping into white dishtowels,
and pills...
Down my throat.

Then I hop on the bus.

A was the second lie, fine as silk.
**** my emotions.
I'm done.
Memories are blending into his face.

My whole life is racked with sobs.

That broke me;
A honeycomb humility.

Those words you said, simple but-

I almost left this Earth.

You shrugged it off.

And nowadays I understand.

But dude, I still can't take a pill
Without my brain
Shrinking that tube in my throat-

PTSD:
Throwing knives at walls,
Remembering.

Somewhere, far far off In an airport waiting area,
huddled between salted chocolate and overpriced keychains.... Stands a girl.
A beautiful, smiling girl.
This girl bought a ticket to leave this town.

This town in the middle of nowhere, going nowhere, so she could be somewhere.
She wants to be a star, remembered for her singing.
The people who fill the other spaces
Of the rest area
around where she stands
Are lost.
Lost in what they know. Lost in what they care about because they grew up being told this is all there is for them.
These lost people swarm around her like bees, except less like bees and more like flowers.
Stuck,
With the life getting ****** from you daily till you die and return to the Earth.

So this girl stands between the chocolates and chains,
Beneath the dome of an airport,
In a place in the middle of nowhere-
Going nowhere,
Swarmed by people-weeds.
And she takes a photo.
And begins her note.

As she boards, she fosters anxiety.
Her plane is not the plane she wants to be on.
See, this girl is lost in a new way.
Sometime before the flower-people, the town going nowhere, and the keychains and chocolate,
This girl who stood found herself.
She found that she was dying inside.
Rotting from the core, like so many diseases.
So she climbed the staircase, buckled her seatbelt, wrote her letter to the world.
Then she went into the bathroom,
This girl who once stood.
And collapsed.
The life energy she once held, gone.
She sliced and sliced and sliced till she
Ascended.


This girl, on a higher plane of reality, standing between the lays chips and novelty mugs in the empty airport climbed aboard that ******* flight and understood that there was no escaping the water.
It was up to her neck, choking her, pulling her under until she could not
see tomorrow.
She saw an escape.


38,000 ft in the air,
She let her heavy, hurting soul be freed.


This girl.
Who smiled.
Standing between the novelty items.
Surrounded by people who didn't understand.
Climbed a flight.
And fell asleep in the bathroom.
Dreaming about death at 38,000 ft.

She is hurting while standing next to the magazines and she is hurting walking to the library every sunday at 6.
And she is ******* dying inside standing there and smiling and asking you why you are so sad.


This girl.
Somewhere far far away.
On another, higher plane.

Caught like silk in rose thorn agony,
I pull my arm free of your chains.
Streams of diluted delusions flow from behind my eyes
As they stare into yours, searching, pleading for answers.

Your newest **** waltzes out of my room,
Bare legs and arms like fresh globs of cream,
A quivering voice of lavender.
"Darling?"
You consume her with your eyes,
What we were long forgotten.

Having my answers, I take my leave.
Shedding layers of bandages and spackle,
I let myself feel how you've hurt me.

Was she worth it?
I don't wanna know.

Rushing downhill around thin, swirling roads-
I close my eyes and exhale everything you've done.
The Release.
My chevy smashes through the guardrail,
My skull takes a jolt to the wheel,
-
And I fly into the abyss,
Free as a bird.