I can feel the rise and fall of my chest with each breath I take
Cant feel the pain or sadness anymore
Counting back from 10, 9, 8
Just a little bit to take the edge off
Just one chance to escape

The warmth washes over me like the sun on a summer day
I can sense the “feelings” I trapped inside trying to come back out and play
But not this time, not today

This is my war to fight
My dark and light
Relive the troubles, or see constant reminders of all my sins?
The question - Who will win?

My tears hit my pillow pooling in my hair
The sound of their laughter  drowns out my despair
Countless nights I can’t reach slumber
From all the thoughts that hold me under
I thought you were different and better than them
You’re just the same like many other men
You say you love me while I give and you take
You grab my arms - shake, shake, shake
You say I should love you that you’re a new guy
I see your lips moving and all I hear is lie,lie,lie
My makeup covers the bruises and cuts
Left from last night after it got “a little rough”
I head downstairs for a dinner I prepared
Wondering if they’ll notice my newly damp  hair
I fake a smile for latest guest to arrive
You lay on the charm, you’re a “helluva guy”
Piece by piece I try and make some sense
While our neighbors wave goodbye from our white picket fence..

Laying down and looking up
Words are forming but feel stuck
Tears pooling around my hair
My heart is aching for what once was there
Breath in - breathe out
Cold and alone, hidden tricks
Finally the words escape my lips
My voice echo’s in the empty room
You’re already gone, too soon.
Breathe in - Breathe out
Shut my eyes tight and disappear
Your presence lingers here
Convince myself this is for the best
Maybe now my heart can rest.
Just remember to Breathe in – Breathe out

The memories of my past haunt me
Emotions that my heart can’t handle
We spend so much time forcing ourselves to preserve memories
How did I forgot how to feel?
To forget to breathe?
Learning to just “cope” wasn’t possible
I needed to unlock the memories and deal with them
One by one
Piece by piece
Dissecting them and finding the cause
Only then can I move on
Only then can I being to feel
I can see it and almost taste it
The hauntings are gone and all that’s left is happy
Room to store new memories
I say goodbye to the ghost of boyfriend’s past
Until we meet again old friend

It’s late at night  and I can’t sleep
Midnight thoughts consuming me
Some nights I wish I could have a break
From all these thoughts, they’re yours to take
My burdens are a lot to bear
His feelings brought from past despair
His hearts been broken and slowly shattered
Mines a vacant hole that’s dark and tattered
I pick up the shards one by one
Stopping to soothe a bleeding thumb
Piece by piece I put it back
But it’s not whole, it’s filled with cracks
I take out what was left of mine
I fill his gaps and watch them shine
I kiss his lips and let it sit
His hearts now mine, a perfect fit
Slowly filling up the space
Two hearts now one, the voids replaced

It starts as a dull ache
Trembling, shaking, jostled  awake
Time passes and the throbbing is deep
Cant catch my breath, cant sleep
This pain inside cant escape
This is my life, My twisted fate
How long must this last?
Being punished for things in my past
I'm no longer a young girl
Gone are the days of jumps and twirls
The ribbon once tied in my hair
Now sits in a box on the shelf over there
I not quite sure where it all went wrong
The days once fast are now twice as long
For once I wish I could just catch a break
To enjoy my life, nothing at stake
Sunshine, beaches and peaceful nights
Just a few simple requests for a perfect life

If you look carefully you will see
There is love inside of you and me
Unspoken words, and late night hugs
The gentle touch of my hand after “snug as a bug.”
Mother and daughter, Quite the pair
I help you get dressed and comb your hair.
You smile and kiss me when I am feeling sad
One simple gesture chases away all the bad
Those nightmares that wake you are merely just dreams
Yet I’ll be here waiting any time that you need
To say you are my everything is just not enough
You are my soul, my sunshine and my most treasured love
In the years to come we will have many adventures
But my most favourite one
Is one you cant possibly remember
They held you up and I counted your toes
I kissed your cheeks and your soft little nose
A daughter was born and a mother created
The most precious of days to be celebrated
Happy birthday to my little girl
To others a child, to me the WORLD

She is compassionate and sentimental
Moves with the wind, never stagnant
Always in constant motion
She feels the earth spin and the sun rise
And kisses the stars goodnight
She feels the dirt beneath her toes shifting
The earths core beats in rhythm to her heart
She has deep appreciation for harmony
And has acquiesced herself with this world
My true inner soul

I want to sleep
The kind of want that burns in your chest
Reaching for something that isn’t there
Being shut out over and over again
I can’t turn it off
The thoughts are being thrown around my head
Like a snitch  in a quidditch match
Mythical, impossible
And yet there it is buzzing
Bouncing off the sides of my head
Waiting to be caught
I count back from ten like usual
Doesn’t work
I play deep sleep sounds on Alexa
Brains still on
Make it shut off!!!!
Make the feelings of helplessness disappear
To sleep is to dream
To dream is to escape
Just one night of escape is all I ask
I shut my eyes and my dreams begin to dance
Finally

All the moments until now
Nothing mattered, just darkness clouds
The nights I spent awake and waiting
The sleep I lost, the constant hating
These are things no longer feared
The skies are bright, the clouds have cleared
All I see is sun and stars
Cleansed my heart, erased the scars
My thoughts have drifted somewhere new
His hand in mine, the perfect two
Though there are many battles to face
We’ll fight them together, in perfect embrace
Im drifting now with the setting sun
And all my thoughts lead back to one

Sometimes the anxiety creeps in and consumes me.

Can’t sleep, can’t breath, can’t even blink.

My heart beats out of my chest and feels like it’s a puddle on the floor.

Tears silently stream down my cheeks the saltiness touches my lips and reminds me to breathe.

I choke on the breath as I try to inhale every ounce of it.

My ribs feel like they’re being crushed under the weight of this darkness.

I don’t even know where it started, how it came to be.

All I know is that it consumes me.

Give up, shut down
Close your eyes and pretend not to exist
Breathe deep, feel the pain between your ribs
Breath by breath
Beat by beat
Can you hear the incessant tick?
Tick tick tick
The clock on the wall seems so small from the corner of the couch I’ve buried myself in
Time is passing, creeping slowly
The world is blurry
Night turns to dawn
Dawn to night
How many days have I been here?
Does anyone hear me? Can they feel me calling for help?
Silent calls. Calls that go unnoticed as the sound of my voice is meek in comparison to the laughter of theirs
I shiver realizing the season has changed in what feels like both an eternity and a blink all at once
Grabbing a blanket i burrow deeper into this corner I’ve worn down
If I close my eyes for five more minutes maybe then they’ll notice

When you’re curled in the shower at 2am,  the pain building up from the places you’ve been.
It’s then that he holds you

When the voices inside are too much to bear your fists ball up and you tug at your hair
It’s then that he holds you

When you’re trying to sleep but your whole body is aching and you can’t catch a breath and can’t stop the shaking
It’s then that he holds you

When you’re silently crying and inside feel like dying
It’s then that he holds you

Sometimes I’m broken in a million different ways
It’s you that completes me and brightens my days