Closed minds don’t equal
closed mouths unfortunately
don’t forget to breathe

he claims to just be blatantly honest.
but he calls me lovely.
and compliments me.
and listens wholly.
and has extreme dysmorphia towards my weight.
and reads my poetry.
and compliments it.
and treats me as if I possess some sort of innate value.
and makes me feel secure.
---
was he lying about being honest?
or am I lying to myself about my value?

I was restless in my bed.
My stomach kept churning and undulating.
That’s when I remembered, "HER"
She was always restless and energetic inside of me. I never slept because of her.
I was 5 months.
But all so suddenly, now that she's is gone what am I to do now?
I gave birth to a fetus.
Not a baby.
When I laid my eyes on my daughter glazed in amniotic fluid and blood, a flood of tears and shock rocked back and forth in my soul.
All because I was told she would have Down syndrome and the expenses of caring for this sick child exceeded my husband’s income.
My 5 year old asked me, "What is that mommy?"
Subconsciously I told her, "That’s your sister"
She said, "no its not!"

Weeks have passed and I am without my baby.
I am losing my mind.
I was just fine two minutes ago.
I look in the mirror and make myself pretty.
I wanted to make myself look my best because I was at my worst.
I see a wet stain on my purple shirt.
Why is this happening to me?!
What did I do?!
The need to feed my child.
The need to be a mother is suffocating
I feel completely obsessed.
Who will I feed with my milk filled *******?
Overflowing randomly; feeling self-conscious when I'm amongst guests because I am afraid they will notice the milk stains on my chest.
Every single night I feel my baby close to me.
Inside me.
Moving abnormally and viciously, kicking me gently but with a healthy strength of vitality.
I still feel it.
There isn’t a day that goes by without me crying at night.
My daughter keeps complaining that her sister is not in sight.
I do all in my power to be a mother and explain in fragile terms that our baby is with god and she will never have to suffer.
Be she doesn’t understand
I don’t expect her to.
So I stay awake for days.
I’m restless.
There is literally no one I can talk to that will make me feel better or put my daughter back in her womb so that she may further develop.
My 17 year old is always worried about me.
He was always talking to my belly and to the baby
That was exciting and so strange.
My son was taking his father’s job by caring for me, talking to me, being present next to me…until the baby was stolen from me.
She used to kick every time she heard her brother’s voice.
My five year old was going to have a friend.
She wasn’t going to be alone in her room playing with her dolls, giving them names, making them her sisters.
I frequently hear her say, "I love my sister with all my heart. My name is jaji and I’m your best sister ever"
First my heart breaks.
Then I start to cry.
My worried seventeen year old comes and asks me why.
I tell him what I feel, what I've felt, and what I’ve dealt with.
How the doctors basically told me giving birth to this baby was granting my death wish.
I felt a little selfish because I didn’t care about my life
I cared about hers.
But then I remembered about my two daughters and two sons.
How much they’ve suffered to see me smile.
My death will not make that worthwhile.
I have never felt this more depressed in my life.
So with this sacrifice of another one of the pieces of mine.
I’ve learned to endure and persevere through my difficult traumatic troubled life.
But inside...
Inside... my baby was still alive.

Your eyes with make up
If you let me stare long into them
I could read
your eyes
are always watching
as to assure
I can’t assess them
as to make sure
I can’t test them

Your lips
vary colours
and when they’re dark
youre bright
but you wear light colours
maybe if i bought you black
you’d wear it around me
maybe even kiss me

Sometimes I wonder
if you’re the girl who can set me free
if you let me unlock your eyes
and canvas your lips
it’d be the eureka of my life

I fell in love with you all over again in a hospital waiting room

I fell in love with the deep purple under your eyes
like delicate bruising

I fell in love with the paleness of your lips
from lack of nutrients

I fell in love with the way you moved slowly
and achingly wrapped in a white blanket the color of your skin

I fell in love with the deep crimson of your blood
as it ran through your IV

I fell in love with you again as I laid with you in the hospital bed at 3 am

we’d been there for 10 hours
and you had a little too much morphine in your system
and a lack of sleep
when you pulled me close and said

“I could really see myself marrying you some day”

and that was right before you kissed me with your dye stained lips
so they could see your insides better on the x-ray

I fell in love with you again when you looked at me with your
big hazel eyes that turn black around the edges

You said god had sent me from heaven
An angel to watch over you

I'm not too sure about that but what I do know is:

I Do