I've always been a liar. Compulsively, reluctantly, neededly, jokingly, egotistically a liar. Yet, the one I've told the most lies to is myself. I believe sometimes if you say a lie enough that sometimes it becomes the truth. I believed that if I said I'm fine enough that eventually it would come to pass. But it doesn't work. I can fool every other person on this earth, but the one person who can see through my lies is the only one I wish could believe them.

You know those times
at three A.M.
when you walk into the bathroom
look in the mirror
and you don't recognize the face looking back at you?

Small but there--
I can acknowledge it in the least;
A dim glowing of a promise
That something is yet to come
And I feel like Gatsby staring at that green light across the lake
So certain his love is there,
But I know that my light is attainable
If only I should chose to be brave

--Im holding out hope that fear will not stop me from loving again.

Walking in tap shoes on tile floors is an
excellent metaphor for life
if you’ve never attempted then you’re
unaware how thrilling and absolutely
freeing tap shoes can make you feel
suddenly your entire body is an instrument
the world is your audience
you don’t need rhythm
those who know nothing about the art
will still be enthralled by the sounds
coming from your feet
But when you walk on tiles you have to be careful
one wrong move
one miniscule shift in balance and you’ll be on the
floor accompanied by the lovely sound of metal
scarping polished tile akin to nails on a chalkboard.
On tiles you walk with care
Slipping so easily
But those sounds
The beautiful clicks as you walk
They radiate so much more power than
stilettoes on a quiet church floor.
Next time it rains listen to the drops dancing on the roof.
They perform for you.

    --They still sit in my closet

I dont demand respect a lot
I'm not the kind to hold my position above others for control
But I do demand human decency

I took a shower today
a ritual I was taught as a child--
one I had abandoned long ago;
showers are cleansing and comforting
I used to not think that I deserved that
but I needed a shower today and I took one
I know it may not seem like much to you
but I am proud of myself

If it was sunny outside, her eyes didn’t show it. The darkness in them was glazed over leaving every light that touched them turn to a dull void. It was as if her mind was a black hole and the opening in which it was seen was her eyes. None the less, they were beautiful. I had never noticed brown eyes to hold such beauty. I had always grown tired of mine- plain, boring, simple. Brown eyes didn’t have the many shades of blue I often found myself intoxicated with. Those elaborate patterns of greens, whites, gold, and silver hiding behind delicate lashes. Yet hers, they were so intricate. The depth at which they fell, the richness of the chocolate was like breathing for the first time. I guess I hadn’t realized how much I needed that air until I found myself drowning in her eyes. That is how I discovered love for the first time.
            She held my gaze only for a second. I guess it could have been an eternity. Time is a funny thing. It is always here, it is always gone, and it is always coming. In a way, there could be an eternity in a second. In one second life could change. I baby is born, a man has died, a new species is discovered as another goes extinct.  All I know is that in that one second, in that one, single eternity- life was changed for me.  I knew at the exact moment that I would never be the same. I had found the one person that could make my life feel meaning again, and in that moment it was taken away.
             I know that many people would tell me that I am being ridiculous. I know that they will tell me that there are so many other fish in the sea. But you see, I’m not looking for any fish- I’m looking for a clam. All I’m looking for is my simple clam, but there is the secret. When you open up a clam, there is the possibility of a gem. The most shining, pristine pearl could be waiting inside. All you have to do is find it.

  --An attempt at writing romance:
       From my high school years

I'm on my third group of patients
now the welcoming committee to a place I was once a stranger
I know the walls and schedules,
which nurses work at night,
where the Tech met her husband,
and the due dates for the pregnant staff
I'm on my third group of patients
each one leaving bittersweet
these people know me without judgment
I can talk without fear
and with each discharge--
I feel like I'm losing a piece of myself
I'm on my third group of patients
I'm having to learn to let go
this part is never easy

I asked and you answered
One thing on your bucket list
An act I have since put on mine
Go to a castle
And sit on the throne

Driving to different offices and placing my resume in the hands of possible future employers was exhilarating
I never thought I would be so rash in a decision as I am now
My two weeks notice will sit on your desk tomorrow
leaving you forever wondering what happened

You offered me numerous promotions
A business trip most recently
Your boss incredibly fond of me and progress with the company
Management always came easily to me

But I'm a workaholic when I'm at work
and too often I stayed off the clock, unpaid
so a fellow employee wouldn't have to suffer
all the work that still needed to be done
in all the lack of time we had

This is my parting gift
This piece of paper
A symbol to you that my life has outgrown this place
that I know has taken more from me than it's given

I wish you well
that you will find a worker who is passionate about
this company the way I once was

In two weeks I will be gone
I will move on with my life

This is my parting gift

I used to think you had to be worse to go in patient
and then my three days turned to ten
and everyone else had come and gone four times over
and nursing students were assigned to me to be thier case study
I didnt realize they weren't assigned to everyone
I'm in outpatient now
and the social worker is telling me that I was in patient for a long time
this I have had to come and accept
I was a lot worse than I thought

and people wonder how you get to that place
to neglecting yourself to the point of decaying
I can't explain it to you
I wouldn't want anyone to understand
if you do, then you should be here too.

You told me once that you
were lost and just needed
to feel things out but
your hands had been broken

We have choices every day
I choose now to be better
try harder
every day I am a different person
and that used to scare me
the first step is discipline
it creates stability
here--I am fighting
my demons that only I can see
every second
every minute
every hour
I am fighting now

--when I look back I hope I like what I see

I hope one day your lips will curl around your meager breakfast of coffee and cigarettes and acknowledge that despite what they've told you, you are not hard to love.

There are letters behind my name
not ones earned with prestige and degrees but ones that follow nonetheless
MDD, GAD, BPDII, ADHD, OCD, hEDS
defining traits of my mental
and while they label they don't add any value to my life
in fact they do the opposite
they hinder every moment
every thought
every action
every task it takes a village

---I hate asking for help

It stays, it stays, it stays this way--
Close in the dark; words huddling and wrapped in the eager cavity of your chest
Using ribs as lap bars hoping to keep this feeling there---
Trapped until it heals you
Too long has past since your heart felt love like this
And you fear if it leaves the ride prematurely, it will be to afraid to try again

--Your heartbeats are sounding over the roaring in your ears that this could fall apart again

I want to pack a bag, step outside, and walk
I don’t know where—I don’t have a destination,
Never have
I just want to walk and escape life for a little while
But I can’t do that
I have bills and jobs and people and animals depending on me
I was supposed to know who I was by this point
Instead my soul endlessly wanders without my body’s company
Reaching conclusions with flawed logic
And I know healing is not linear,
But all I’ve ever done is walk forward
and I’m still unsure of where I am and where to go from here

It's rejection

And loss

The slow realization that everyone who meets me expects me to change


I find myself alone

Guarded

Knowing that every time I open up to someone

They eventually leave


And in losing everyone else

I'm slowly losing myself



--and my mind

She sang to me in a strange language
One that I had tried and failed so many times to learn
Self care is foreign to me

I fell last week.
Hard and fast
Abruptly
My foot slipped out from under me in a way I know my ankle will never be the same thirty years from now
Strange how a human can endure intense operations and fully recover
But an ankle will never be the same if it's twisted once
I guess I'm similar that way

I have always had a fondness for
Tattoos
My mother always hated them
I never understood how my mother,
A lover and pursuer of the arts,
Could dislike them
How such beauty
Could be wrong

If in fifty years I regret my tattoos
I will at least never regret my life
I will never regret wondering what it could
have been like not to worry about how I
was perceived by others
I will never regret focusing my image on my peers
I will love my tattoos in their wholeness
I will love them because they made me free

  --There’s something powerful about reclaiming your body

A suburb of hell I live in
Across the road from the picture perfect family
Small, yappy little dog who is walked every morning and night by loving husband and father of three
Next door the father who left his family to live with his gay lover downtown
Three young boys and a wife who will never understand
Behind every door is a secret
The Wilsons live a sheltered and abusive life
The man of the family is powerful
The cunninghams across from them are timid and smile to hide the bruises on their arms
Father knows best after all
My door hides the racist, the Republican, the conservative, the homophobic
My door hides the yelling of a bipolar mother off medication
The alcoholism of a child too young to drink
And the silent watch of a father trapped in a loveless marriage
Every house in this suburb of hell tells a story
None of which are happy
Yet you see my neighborhood and call me privilaged
If only you knew.

Its here again tonight like a cinder brick on my chest
In this grave I call a bed I'll surely die from no rest
The air is too thick milkshake through a narrow straw
And no matter how I gasp air will not provide my lungs
with what they need to survive

And I'm sweating and I'm turning
Well at least I am in my mind because I'm stuck in too warm sheets and the heat they trap inside
I can hear my heart beat like a bomb counting to my doom
And it keeps on beating faster and I dont know what to do

--Lately I can't sleep with the thought that I will die

They spoke to me today about the possibility of discharge
I don't want to leave
here I feel steady
unjudged
cared for and loved
here, I'm away from the stresses of the outside world
I don't want to go back
the biggest stresses I have here are what coloring page I'm going to do;
what number I can't figure out in my Sudoku, if there's music or animal therapy today outside---
I'm forced to be an adult  
I've been an adult my entire life
I've never gotten to be a child

There is a first aid kit in my bathroom
Menagerie of cotton, disinfectant, plasters
Reaching for it I click the lid open and stare
Push aside some boxes never opened never needed
Push aside wrappers long since needing a trash can
And as I rummage I become frantic
        Not here!
           Not here!
            Where is it?
         Not here!
It seems this first aid kit cannot do much for my mental
It cannot do much for broken heart
It cannot do much for a frantic night of disallusions
But it can keep my paper cut covered and protected from unexpected assaults from overuse of hand sanitizer
And that will have to do...

Today and group we talked about super powers
I've always talked about wanting to freeze time but I've never really asked myself why
I think I'm scared of the world moving on without me
that I'm running out of time to make an impact
that I'll be forgotten
I have issues with abandonment
I feel alone

If I could stop time I'd be able to travel,
see the world without the craziness or commotion of everyday life
I think I just want a break
here I was given a break,
someone else to take care of me for a while this place is like stopping time
only the world is going on without me
I don't know if I'm ready to go back

I fought with you the other night
the tears on my face trying desperately to wash
away the demeaning words you threw at me
an embarrassment to you
a *** who will never be anything more
I have to keep telling myself that this is gas lighting
this is abuse
this is you making yourself feel better
because I have to believe that I am so much
more than you limit me to be
after all
if I can't believe in myself
who could?

I cut my finger on a can opener last night and now I'm constantly reminded of how sensitive I am

I wish my heart was calloused so I wouldn't ache everytime another meaningless occurrence reminds me of you
But hearts are not hard
They cant become calloused
And even though they are surrounded by bone, ribs are meant to be flexible

This finger will heal
It will scar and callouse with repeated use
My heart instead grows only softer and weaker with time
I dont know how much abuse it can take.

They told you
you had changed since you met me
of course I believe that to be true too
I've changed since I met you too
But of course over two years you would be different
who wouldn't be?
change of school, jobs, life plans
the only constant here was me
so fingers were pointed at the only thing that stayed the same about you
and I had no say at all

When I write a love poem you're always in the back of my mind
But these poems aren't entirely about you
I often find myself writing from someone else's perspective
I'm trapped in someone else's mind and memories
I hope to meet her one day.

I say I'm over you
tell others that I don't want you back and wouldn't come back even if you asked nicely
my sister told me I move on quickly and excuses tumbled out of my mouth before my brain registers that they've fallen
you see these dates I've been on have been meaningless
a useless endeavor, really in an attempt to fill this emptiness you left me with
I dreamt of you again last night and when I woke punished myself by staring at pictures of you until my eyes were raw
I haven't deleted any of them
The vision of you in my dream told me you were in love
told me you found that person who makes your heart do trills like cats purrs
I remember waking with tears
Every **** time I think I'm over you, I look to the gorge you've left in me
Reminders all around my room
The tickets we bought for a date but never used still untouched in the middle console in my car
They don't have an expiration date

I dont like confrontation.
In fact I will do almost anything to avoid it if I can
Thats probably what makes me a good manager-- because I'm able to diffuse a situation before it becomes one
That's also probably why I let the trash pile up on the patio for weeks until we recieved an eviction notice
Because I'm scared of confrontation

I'm scared to tell you it hurts me that I've done the dishes the last 3 times because you wont put in a maintenance request to fix the dishwasher but I can't because you want to be here when someone comes.
I'm scared to tell you I hate that I'm the only one who takes out the trash because you ***** and gag if you touch a trash bag
Well I'm gagging too, but it has to be done because we're adults.
I'm always so happy when I come home and find the trash to be gone only to open the pantry and find the bags there. Only to open the balcony door and find the trash there.
Now that I think about it, you always complain that you'll throw up if you do it and I think that's a form of gaslighting.
I'm scared to tell you that instead of buying supplies to make cobbler when we had no food in the house, you should have bought basic materials to eat or god forbid a plunger because your toilets been clogged for 3 weeks and you have to use mine.

I'm scared to tell you I hate your rabbit and the fact that it chewed up 4 of my phone chargers, my echo plug, my laptop cord, vaccum, and is now tearing up my carpet. Oh also the fact that it's YOUR rabbit and I had to buy you hay when you were running low, but you could buy another fish tank we dont have room for.

I'm scared to tell you these habits of yours are bothering me because you're no longer lucid and I think you're slightly addicted---but everytime your boyfriend brings that up you complain.

I'm scared of confrontation. So tonight I made 4 trips to the dumpster at 2am filling my car up with garbage bag after garbage bag because I was embarrassed of how much trash we had and I didn't want the neighbors to hear or see.

I told you I was doing it at that time expecting your help, but instead you told our guest you'd waited all day for me to do it and took a trazodone and fell asleep.

Tomorrow I can already tell I'll have to wear my braces and use my cane.

Tomorrow I'll wake with baggy eyes from a sleepless night of anger of frustration of worry of tears from the fear that comes with the confrontation of the text I sent you asking you to please take out the last of the 3 trash bags by the door.

I'm waiting for the excuses.

I dont claim to know a lot
Like I still dont understand what it means when people say to lift with your legs instead of your back
Believe me I've tried many times and it's always my back doing the lifting. My legs can take it too. My thunder thighs arent running from a challenge but somehow they can never manage to be the ones doing the lifting
So I'm a little lost on things like that
But one thing I am absolutely certain about is you.

--Headspace

The trepidation I've felt has begun to settle somewhere other than my chest
I've been known to be reluctant with change, especially with myself
this change is good but unfamiliar
I can't decipher the medium --that steady baseline people are supposed to have with their emotions
so they are keeping me for observation
like we do with a sick fish at work
my sick is in my mind
it's harder to diagnose--
unseen and masked--
hidden and shameful;
here, I've begun to forgive myself

How do you communicate with
someone who is always going back on their words?
How am I still in love with someone
who only seems to tolerate me?

She was like smoke:
Interesting to look at.
Moving so intricately in her dance,
she entranced all those who watched.
She encapsulated the depth of a soul.
She was the personification of darkness,
and the bringer of light to destroy it.
She flowed so freely like the wind.
Nothing could hold her to this world.
Touching her was useless.
She fell right through any fingers reaching for her.
I remember finding that odd,
as she had touched every heart to
come in contact with her.
I once asked her why she had to go.
her response was a whisper in my ear
and laughter like bells.
I never got a response.
I suppose she had other places to be.
She was always transforming,
changing,
flowing,
running.
She never stayed in one place for long-
always choosing to follow the beauty
that intrigued her,
and never noticing that she, herself,
held that same beauty.
But then again,
She was like smoke.

  --My sister had a friend who died at 16

I know staying here much longer can affect my progress
but Mania feels the same as getting better and while I'm ready for better,
I'm scared of good
of the fix
that the stitches I've placed will start tearing out again

You reminded me of a time when everything wasnt so balanced
When a step this way or that would throw my entire life out of line
And it forces me to realize I'm walking on a cliff without a steady handrail
A rusted culmination of metal and paint flakes the only life vest before I'm taken over by these waves that threaten to drag me under
You remind me that life is unpredictable
That happiness is not constant
That effort must be continuous for a payoff
I can't float in a sea forever without drowning
I cant stand at a cliff edge letting my eyes guide me instead of my feet and trust that the wind wont push me over the edge
You remind me that right now will change
And I'm still not sure how to feel about that

There are very few times I bite my tounge
Constantly told I am too blunt and abrasive
My head slower than my mouth in most situations
But I bite my tounge around you
I swallow the words back into my lungs and hold them there until my lips are blue
I cannot tell you of these feelings I still have for you
I cannot jeopardize this again
I will hold my breath like I'm passing a graveyard hoping what used to be between us doesn't become one.

You were vinegar and I was oil
Never truly meaning to mix
but going together so **** well

Like a child,
I play pretend
I run and hide from the monsters
unlike a child
I have no one to check under the bed
in the closet
behind the door
I live alone
and find comfort in that
but I cannot be my own caregiver
the difficulties in my wants are oxymoronic what I want and what I need are playing tennis
the ball constantly bouncing back-and-forth face and conquer
or fear and cower
the match has yet to end

-- they are undefeated in their own fields

I keep passing mirrors searching
Store windows hoping
for just a glimpse of who I am

I coughed and I choked up sea water
My feelings for you bursting through my throat so quickly my nostrils and lungs were full
It burned
This love, this salt is rough and course and tears through my chest
You taught me love can be painful
I'm still learning to accept that

It took me a laughably long time to figure out that happiness isn't some pipe-dream want or a privilege

   ---You deserve to be happy

I didn’t call out of work today
I didn’t answer the voicemails from concerned coworkers asking if I was alright
I didn’t go into work late with a half-assed excuse of traffic or a mixed up schedule
Instead I went home and slept
Deleting any texts or history of calls as some illusion to myself that they never happened

I laid in my bed confused
This unfeeling-ness not new or unfamiliar just unwelcome and abrupt
Like housing an old friend I once knew too well
I’m unprepared for the visit though
Unsure of how to handle a guest without plans or food in the house to entertain with
It’s been a while since I’ve had to deal with her

     --I moved to the mountains and got stuck in a valley