I didn’t call out of work today
I didn’t answer the voicemails from concerned coworkers asking if I was alright
I didn’t go into work late with a half-assed excuse of traffic or a mixed up schedule
Instead I went home and slept
Deleting any texts or history of calls as some illusion to myself that they never happened

I laid in my bed confused
This unfeeling-ness not new or unfamiliar just unwelcome and abrupt
Like housing an old friend I once knew too well
I’m unprepared for the visit though
Unsure of how to handle a guest without plans or food in the house to entertain with
It’s been a while since I’ve had to deal with her

     --I moved to the mountains and got stuck in a valley

I thought it would be harder
And maybe it's because I've been waking in panic attacks from nightmares
Shaking from anxiety
Battling my irrational thoughts with slightly less irrational but still not nearly as logical ones for weeks now
I wanted communication
I got what I asked for
This outcome is bittersweet

--I'll watch from a distance
More alone than I've ever been

We saw therapy dogs today and it reminded me of the future I want
of animals
and kindness
and an open home on some land
with a koi pond
and gentle sounds of teenagers that aren't mine down the hall
from a library stacked with books
and a cold, long-forgotten tea on the table
I want a future I likely won't see for many reasons
the biggest obstacle is me

Sharing my poetry with the world is terrifying
It's like I'm showing a part of myself that I'm still afraid to admit exsists
I dont know what it is about having others read my writing that is both thrilling and absolutely petrifying at the same time

You thought that you were better now
years of medication and therapy and routine playing day to day on repeat until it is all you know
You thought you were happy
content
learning to enjoy living agian
but all good things must come to an end, my dear
and now I ask--
are you happy?
or are you just comfortable?
do you even know the difference between the two?

I can just make out the blurry red of your shirt
They way colors blur is not new to me
My eyes have been blind for a long time
My life painted in water color without my glasses
But this isnt the same
My eyes are hot
Saltwater threatening to fall
My dam of emotions is breaking and all the hardware stores are closed
I cant repair this in time
By morning I won't need concrete anymore
I'll need a boat

   --God once hated his creations so much he wiped them out with a flood

My mother laughs at the obituaries every morning over breakfast
sharing with me the ridiculous names some people were once unfortunate to have
She cuts out her favorites adding them to her collection on the inside of a cabinet door in our kitchen

I guess that's unusual
laughing at someone else's pain
Maybe she's a sadist
or maybe I'm the one with a problem
because instead of laughing or feeling pity
I swallow my mouthful of cereal and I am jealous

I used to believe in the tooth fairy more than Santa claus
It's funny how our childhood brains find fallacies in the impossible
But a tooth-crazed fairy?
Well that made perfect sense.

--It's weird to think about

It's incomplete and distanced
Like losing an old friend
Fondness and nostalgia burrowing in this empty space you've given me
Dissociation always takes hold here
The world a still life painting I'm not very fond of
I'd rather go back to your texts
Prolonging the words
Putting off that dreaded end
Until we meet again

Tell me why i still write about you
tell me why i'm still hanging onto that cliche branch off the edge of a cliff
tell me why i'm scared to fall into a world without you in it
i should be happy
in a way i am
i have a girlfriend now and i can already tell she'll treat me better than you ever did
can already tell that i'm on my way to loving her
maybe once day i'll be in love with her
so tell me why i'm still writing about you and not her
                                   please just tell me

I have loved my name and I have hated it
Hidden it; buried it; burned it
Threw it back to my parents—I did not want it
I let it fly from my lips only as a toxic poison.
Do not call me it.
A nickname then name change and I renounced what identified me my entire life
Sick of the jokes how I was so ungraceful for someone who carried that title
Sick of the smiles from strangers telling me they always wanted a daughter with my name
Sick of the expectations a name like Grace held
As I renounced my faith
Renounced my upbringing
I renounced the name that kept me tied to a life I never wanted

But I have loved my name
In its fullest, truest meaning of the term
Love to the unlovely; peace to the restless;
Love that cares and stoops and rescues
A name with such a force to live up to
I realize even when running from and hating myself,
I loved so deeply for others that I began to learn to love myself again
And maybe expectations are frightening and thrilling all the same

--I’m trying to live up to my name

I didnt realize I'd neglected you
Seeing all the dust you accumulated is sobering
Why haven't I been around?
Oh you know,
I've been busy
Distracted with....work
Or not work
I'm sorry I cant lie to you
I've been dark again
But it's not like that, okay? So dont worry
I promise I'm not planning 7 different ways to not wake up or anything
I just....you know, needed a break?
From my head that is
A break from my head to clear my head using my head
That doesn't make sense
I guess what I'm trying to say is I'm sorry
What I want to use you for is selfish
I want to give you poems of lighthearted tounge and cheek
But all that I write now is heavy and I know you're old and don't need that kind of script to worry about
I'll dust you off and write something cheery soon
Until then, wait a little longer okay?

In this moment it all feels subdued
in the quiet light of the moon who has known me my whole life
The darkness that blankets me with comfort rather than fear
The knowledge that life
At least for right now
Is meaningless

I have fallen in love, out of love, and everything in between
lately I don't know what I've been feeling
and I don't know what that means

For as long as I can remember
I believed that I would die young
I'm still here
Age twenty
And I still wonder
If death will show it's face soon
I've tried to meet him many times
Clearly he's avoiding me for a reason then
If I am still here
I'm still here
Death,
I'm still here

I know I would be dead without my medication
a day off and I dream more than I could ever imagine
two days and I'm seizing on the floor
withdrawal so intense I'm dizzy and crying
and shaking, nauseous,
a phantom explosion in my head
I feel off
Three days and I'm hospitalized
I feel like an addict
but I have to tell myself that I am back to square one
back to the chemical imbalance I was before the
prescription healed me to be
This is normal
you are not an addict
you are sane

But that one day off I love
I sleep so deeply I feel dead to the world
comatose with lucid dreams
I dream so vividly I can feel them in my waking self
I know I can't fly yet my dreams say I can
I would spend days in this trance if I could
Last night I dreamed I was in Disney
My medication causing me true terror through amazement
yet this morning I felt off
and tired
and like I would ***** any minute
I wish these symptoms would stop
I wish I just felt normal without it
But the chemistry in my brain never adds up
I want to be trapped in the feeling of constant dreams
It's when I can truly live

Be concerned if I'm talking
If I'm outgoing
If I'm smiling in a room full of people
because I promise you those are the times I am lying
Don't worry if I'm quiet
or alone
My mind is racing
My ideas are competing for best screenplay
They're writing a novel that the world will never see
Winning old arguments
Visiting new places
So please don't worry about me if I'm quiet
My mind is loud enough

i get in the car and its easy
seat-belt. foot. pedal. go.
see? easy
down the road, only two right turns and i'm there
everyday
not even five minutes away
it's easy to drive
easy because of muscle memory
easy enough as a piece of plastic in my wallet
but my drive
my drive is never easy
wake up
struggle out of the covers
cursing the sunlight filtering through my curtains
get up my brain yells
no my body fights back
begrudgingly I stand and get dressed for the day
this drive is always hard
the getting up part
the leaving part
and everything in between
when I'm home with no obligation other than my animals
I can afford to have the car turned off
I wish my drive was as easy as the one to work
simple with no thinking
nowhere to go but forward and two right turns

I've said time and time again what my future will look like
simple ranch style house filled with animals
my pigs running around like cats or dogs
sleeping and feasting like kings
I always told myself this would be my reality
said it with such conviction to others that I believed that conviction alone could will it into existence

At the same time I spoke to others how I was going to be a teacher
from the age of seven certain that's what I would be doing with my life
Here I am
in college for the third time
aiming for a degree far away from my childhood dream
this time I'm hoping for insurance and security

I can't really see my ranch style house in my sights anymore
can't see these animals I would invite others to work with either
I can't see the dream I had always tried to speak into reality
the path ahead has gotten too foggy

My dreams are changing without me
my childhood whims are slipping from my grasp
Others telling me that I can still achieve them
but how can I achieve anything
if I can't even achieve my own happiness

It's been hard to find my muse since you left
You were the source of so many of my poems even though I tried so hard to deny it time after time
I realized when you were around I was drinking profusely
and my drunken brain finds poetry to be great company
just personal enough to offer comfort but just distant enough from physical contact
poetry doesn't look me in the eye shaking my shoulder until I snap out of it
poetry lets me sit in this shallow puddle in-between of swirling emotions the English language never bothered to name
So my muse hasn't been here much since you haven't
but my depression hasn't been here much either
nor my anxiety
I stayed constant without you here
its kinda funny, huh? I have you to thank for the rise of me
but I also have you to thank for my downfall
I'm finding my muse again--
this time without you
and this poetry will be that much more beautiful
watch out
she has risen from her ashes

I've been here before
This weird mentality in between okay and not
It's a seesaw I sit on with myself
balancing the bar with equal weight and no sudden movements
And it's always a test to see how long I can hold it this time
A week?
A month?
A day?
I try to beat my record everytime
Positive that my balance must be getting better after all this time
positive that muscle memory should kick in at some point and take over
It never does
I hope it gets easy soon.
I don't like when it tips
when it tilts one way,
it always tilts back the other with much greater force
But I'm balancing now
I'm balanced for now

And it was an urge
An inkling of a whim
A hand between my shoulder blades lightly reassuring me
And that's all it was supposed to be
My impulsive behavior is not unusual
Many piercings and tattoos once an intrusive thought now permanently affixed on my body
You were the same
An impulse
A two year long impulse that brought me more happiness than I could have imagined and more pain than I care to admit


--Unlike my tattoos a small part of me regrets you

I could compare you to the moon
And how she looks down lovingly at me so full of bright eyed fondness, sometimes squinting with smile lines--tender

I could compare you to the ocean
Constantly coming back to kiss the sands
Always eager to reach them, always reluctant to pull away

I could compare you to the wind
Fierce some days, but quietly caressing on others
Unapologetic in the way she dances with swirling and abrupt movements--impulsive

But I will compare you to the sun
Burning and blinding
If I stand in your presence too long I'm in pain
I tried drowning you out in liquor
Instead with your heat and intensity and my lips seeking the cool feel neck of the bottle
I grew dehydrated; shade seeking: the black spots in my eyes growing bigger

You taught me compromise and sacrifice are different
I'm still trying to accept that

The groups seems to bring out emotions I'm not fond of facing alone
and these people make me feel safer than my own family
but although the depression is lessening,
its cousin anxiety has settled in somewhere deep in my gut
sending shockwaves to my fingertips
I fidget
I disassociate
I crave desertion
but I've been running
and I've been hiding from the skeletons seeping their way out my closet
bony metatarsals and phalanges fiddiling with the lock
it will rust soon enough
I don't know if I'm ready for the break

I thought you must have been God's favorite to have made you in all the ways I thought I needed you to be
and that should have scared me all the same
because even the devil himself was once God's favorite
and look how far he fell

You taught me that perfection is impossible
And I'm still learning to accept that

I know talking about the future scares you
I'm sorry
It's just that I never saw myself having a future
And now with you
I can see it
I can see us
And it gives me hope
So I see our future
And I want to tell you how excited I am
I know it scares you
I sorry

I think I love you
Well, not think-- I know I do
I've been slowly falling since day one
But it's hard for me to admit my feelings
Because you are the most important person in my life and I dont want to ruin that
I dont think I'm in love with you yet
I'm guarding my heart with my head from that one final step
I'm scared to take it
I can't do that long distance thing again
I cant hurt you to heal me
Even if you are in the back of my thoughts every minute
Even if my dreams have you and I together
Even if my coworkers are tired of hearing your name on my lips
I cannot be selfish this time
I always used to want to be selfish about the people I loved
Wanted to keep them for myself and hold them close
But you make me want to be selfless just this once
I want you to be able to have what I can never give you
I dont want you to hold back your dreams just for me
There's something bittersweet about the fact that I am content knowing you'd probably be happier without me

And the words dropped from your lips like honey
And my ears became clogged with their sweetness
I did not hear you say goodbye

Sometimes I smile so hard it makes my soul crack instead of my teeth
And the tears fall
And the dam that was that smile cannot hold back the true emotions anymore
And I wonder
If even when I was truly happy
If I was just faking it all.

The funny thing about most toxins
Is that you can have them in small amounts without any consequence
It's only when
You sit in it long enough,
Injest it so many times--
That you get sick

It's been 6 days
My hair is in a greasy knot kept semi presentable with dry shampoo
My skin breaking out like I'm going through puberty
My legs and armpits constantly hidden because I dont trust myself enough with a blade to only shave.
It's been 6 days
My towels are hanging right where they should be
My toiletries glaring at me from the edge of the tub
I cant bring myself to step over that threshold
It's been 6 days
And I know if I attempt I wont be able to stand
Instead sitting in the dark while water too hot blasts this punishment into my back for abandoning it for too long
I can always pretend my life is together
Fridge full, makeup neat, bills paid
From the outside I look like I'm doing fine
But I know the truth
And it's been 6 days

It slipped out of my mouth before I could choke back the words
I love you
To me those words are forbidden
The meaning of which I never allowed myself to indulge in
I never found myself worthy of them until now
I love you
It felt so natural
They way my tongue lightly teased the roof of my mouth and finished off at my lips in an "o"
I never thought that those words could feel so light
I always imagined they'd pummel out of my mouth like a brick
Hitting the ground with such force the tenderness of the moment would be shattered like ciderblock
Yet these words weren't bricks
They didnt break like I always thought they would
They weren't accompanied by twangs of fear or anguish
I love you
Instead I found myself smiling.
A gentle tugging at the corner of my lips
Captive to my puppet master, the strings pulled them so high my teeth were showing
I was crying like I always imagined I'd be doing
But it was out of jubilation
Of relief
Of safety
In the comfort of knowing these words which held me back in fear of their power for so long were words of power not for their daunting significance but for their freeing ability
I never dreamed I could fly
Some dreams are so foolish no child would deem it possible
And saying I love you was a nightmare of mine
But hearing you say it back--
Knowing that no matter what you said that I didnt regret it--
God, how I felt like I could fly in that moment.
I have no fear of those words now
They give me comfort
I love you
Such power only eight letters hold.
I could finally allow someone to see my heart
I'm so glad it was you.

--I spent years beliveing I was unworthy

As a child I was demure
obedient
restricted
uniformed schools and stuffy churches
expectations on how a person should be and act ingrained into my life from conception

I watched as others blossomed
allowed to grow in the faith and in their family
expectations a guide book they were more than eager to follow
I sat in the corner quiet and meager and scared of taking up too much space
there was a slot my peg was supposed to fit into
and maybe I did, but not in the way that it mattered

I saw the way my sisters fought with my mother
harsh words and violent tantrums
I felt the tension in the air and I never wanted to cause that

to this day I'd say I'm the same way
a peacekeeper and people pleaser
doing what I think I should do for others
as it changes how others see myself

I am kind
and I am gentle
and I am punctual
and I am tactful
but I am selfish
and I want
and I want
and I want

and there's a part of me that is scared to flourish
afraid that if I let myself be myself then I will hurt those around me I have spent so long trying to protect
I still try to fit into a mold that I have repeatedly cracked,
and when I look in the mirror I understand that everything I am built this figure

striking outfits and sharp bold black images marring my body
I am loud and unapologetic in the comfort of my own home
I am her when I am surrounded by my friends
but I know the truth and am skilled at wearing many faces
I still change the mask with every phone call to my mother
with every smile I flash at work
with every doctor's visit and strangers on the street

I'm still demure
and obedient
restricted and uniform
The image I'm projecting a direct reflection of my fears
I'm still the same child who was scared of rocking the boat
and I'm not quite sure how I feel about that

I wait for the day I shoot vines from my fingertips
Long for the overgrowth to take my body back to the earth
I've taken so much from her
I'm sorry I love the feel of paper over a computer screen in my hands
The smell of ink and yellowing pages always gave me more comfort than any keyboard could.
But earth, darling, I promise you
When I return you can make me into the most beautiful foliage
Print a book on me.

Sometimes I believe that if I
care for these animals that
it will prove I can
somehow take care of myself

A dusty grey gritty feeling has always been in my lungs from choking back words and impulse I'd be admonished for breathing

It took years of practice to craft the smog into a milky then translucent expected response: appropriate ---Instead of one lacking tact

But with you
I falter

I’m scared
And I hate to say that about myself
Because I have lived in a sense of false security for so long
Reliant on others because I can’t be reliant on myself
And I’ve developed this system of ignore, persist, and repeat
And I think its slowly draining me

There are moments when I can forget that my life is the way that it is
Self-medicating to prevent the anxiety from creeping up into my throat
Turning off the big light to blind myself from all the ugly pieces of me that I am ashamed of seeing
It is my instinct to believe that something is wrong with me

And I’ve never been good at being alone
Though I crave it all the same
When I am alone I can breathe in the darkness
Veiled by the idea that running away will one day have to stop

But I still find my legs striving towards to finish line
Try as I might take my time to get there
The idea of just completing the race urging myself forward
A success where I have never had any before

I am trying
And I am healing
And I know that it is not linear
I know I have many more obstacles ahead of me
But I think the want may finally outweigh the hatred and shame

I wish I had better coping skills
but who needs therapy when
you can just as easily cut your hair
and pierce your nose
I have seven tattoos and
ten piercings
I'm running out of room

My entire life I've been trapped in a glass box--
glass walls;
there's a barrier between myself and my emotions--
a barrier between myself and the rest of the world

I ache

I thought I saw things and understood clearly what my life was and meant--
I thought I saw clearly who were my friends--
but I didn't,
I couldn't,
still can't,
my hands have been reaching for touch:
acceptance;
someone to see me clearly too

but I've placed my hands on this barrier so many times that handprints and the sworls of my fingertips marr the glass with smudges
the vision is blurred

I'm reaching out

trying to touch

just making the visibility worse with every attempt


       --I don't think I'll ever see the glass clearly again

I'm suffocating
My body is shaking
Panting even
Why cant I get any air
Should I go outside?
Outside of this body
This prison of mine
Trapping me with it's human needs and desires
I want outside so badly
I can almost see it
I can see the trees
I hope they come for me
Air will soon follow

My two best friends in the world are in toxic relationships
both engaged
both living parallel lives miles apart
young and dumb
broke and self-medicating
I look at these relationships around me and wonder if they think they're perfect and healthy
I wonder if they find mine toxic the way I find theirs--
wonder if they see the red flags in mine they can't see in theirs
I wonder if I'm the only one in this relationship who is in love
who fell hard and never got back up
who feels comforted by your embrace
Don't tell me this is toxic
Don't let this be one-sided
Please

I have never had a fondness for roses
a basic beauty, classic, calm, safe
Instead, I have found enchantment in the chaotic
the unpredictable, the unusual
Chrysanthemums hold my intrigue
I fell in love with you for the same reason

I'm afraid my loudness was too much for you
My openess in my happiness that you provided me
Looks screaming at eachother so loudly from across the room people felt like they were witnessing something they shouldn't
I guess now It will only be me looking at you that way
I guess now....
I will love you quietly
From the sidelines
Aching silently
Waiting

It sent shivers through his body;
he sought warmth in the sharp tang of the whiskey
no matter how much he drank though, he was still cold--
the only burning in the back of his throat,
in his stomach,
as he tried to not *****.
strange too, was the burning of his hands, of his forehead;
ghosts of her soft touches from earlier in the day
they calmed him then
why weren’t they calming him now?

I know I'm being selfish
and I'm sorry, okay?
I know you think I'm being ridiculous--
criticizing
over-analyzing
hyper-aware
I'm not mad I promise
I'm just upset
You think I say it too much
that those words lose meaning everytime
But I see it differently
Every time I say those words is another moment I think of you
It's another memory of us
another vision of our future together
I love you
I'm so ******* in love with you

so please....
when I say it
say it back
Don't pull a Han Solo and say that you know
when I look at you with longing and hurt in my eyes
tell me you love me
tell me when you're not prompted to at all
Tell it to me before I say it to you
I know you show your love in other ways
but I'm selfish and insecure and I need vocalization to know my mind isn't playing tricks on me
to know that you really do still feel the spark like I do after two years
I love you
I love you
I'm so in love with you

Why can't you say it to me
without my saying it to you?

My words often drip with sarcasm
or spit out with such bluntness you'd spend nights lying awake thinking of them
My words hang unspoken on the walls like a crooked picture
      out of place
my words are carefully chosen and have a lust for hyperbole
my words build up self esteem in one phrase and tear it apart the next
my words
     my words
          my words
 my words will caress your body  
will fill your mind with reassurance and love
will tease your skin like feathers
dance across your memory like ballerinas en pointe
                                                     my words
                                                  my words
                                             my words
My words ****** you like the siren they are---luring you to your ultimate demise

I bought myself a ring and
you said it was weird
twenty dollars of sterling silver
now perched on my left ring finger
It doesn't belong to you
not some symbol that I'm taken
my right hand just does too much in
a day to be dressed up
but this ring bothers you
you said it looks like I'm married or engaged
and truth be told that doesn't bother me
because I look at this flea market buy and see what could be
I see what one day could be your ring on my vow
But you find it odd and unsettling
and I'm struggling to find that fact anything but unnerving

I poured so much of my time into you
into us
that I overflowed onto the table
a circular stain marring it for eternity

everytime I look at that table
use it to eat off, draw on, play cards with friends
I am reminded of us again

Watermarks are not enough reason for new furnishings
Coffee stains are a fact of life
I don't need to throw out the table we built together
even though looking at it hurts everytime

Recently I found some paint
and I decided that I can reclaim this again
I will reclaim this again

--With new memories and stains
    that were never meant for you.