In this moment it all feels subdued
in the quiet light of the moon who has known me my whole life
The darkness that blankets me with comfort rather than fear
The knowledge that life
At least for right now
Is meaningless

Driving to different offices and placing my resume in the hands of possible future employers was exhilarating
I never thought I would be so rash in a decision as I am now
My two weeks notice will sit on your desk tomorrow
leaving you forever wondering what happened

You offered me numerous promotions
A business trip most recently
Your boss incredibly fond of me and progress with the company
Management always came easily to me

But I'm a workaholic when I'm at work
and too often I stayed off the clock, unpaid
so a fellow employee wouldn't have to suffer
all the work that still needed to be done
in all the lack of time we had

This is my parting gift
This piece of paper
A symbol to you that my life has outgrown this place
that I know has taken more from me than it's given

I wish you well
that you will find a worker who is passionate about
this company the way I once was

In two weeks I will be gone
I will move on with my life

This is my parting gift

As a child I was demure
obedient
restricted
uniformed schools and stuffy churches
expectations on how a person should be and act ingrained into my life from conception

I watched as others blossomed
allowed to grow in the faith and in their family
expectations a guide book they were more than eager to follow
I sat in the corner quiet and meager and scared of taking up too much space
there was a slot my peg was supposed to fit into
and maybe I did, but not in the way that it mattered

I saw the way my sisters fought with my mother
harsh words and violent tantrums
I felt the tension in the air and I never wanted to cause that

to this day I'd say I'm the same way
a peacekeeper and people pleaser
doing what I think I should do for others
as it changes how others see myself

I am kind
and I am gentle
and I am punctual
and I am tactful
but I am selfish
and I want
and I want
and I want

and there's a part of me that is scared to flourish
afraid that if I let myself be myself then I will hurt those around me I have spent so long trying to protect
I still try to fit into a mold that I have repeatedly cracked,
and when I look in the mirror I understand that everything I am built this figure

striking outfits and sharp bold black images marring my body
I am loud and unapologetic in the comfort of my own home
I am her when I am surrounded by my friends
but I know the truth and am skilled at wearing many faces
I still change the mask with every phone call to my mother
with every smile I flash at work
with every doctor's visit and strangers on the street

I'm still demure
and obedient
restricted and uniform
The image I'm projecting a direct reflection of my fears
I'm still the same child who was scared of rocking the boat
and I'm not quite sure how I feel about that

There are very few times I bite my tounge
Constantly told I am too blunt and abrasive
My head slower than my mouth in most situations
But I bite my tounge around you
I swallow the words back into my lungs and hold them there until my lips are blue
I cannot tell you of these feelings I still have for you
I cannot jeopardize this again
I will hold my breath like I'm passing a graveyard hoping what used to be between us doesn't become one.

She sang to me in a strange language
One that I had tried and failed so many times to learn
Self care is foreign to me

I have always had a fondness for
Tattoos
My mother always hated them
I never understood how my mother,
A lover and pursuer of the arts,
Could dislike them
How such beauty
Could be wrong

If in fifty years I regret my tattoos
I will at least never regret my life
I will never regret wondering what it could
have been like not to worry about how I
was perceived by others
I will never regret focusing my image on my peers
I will love my tattoos in their wholeness
I will love them because they made me free

  --There’s something powerful about reclaiming your body

When I was younger and still toeing the line between joining creative writing club --
I remember one meeting being asked to write about love
and I had been romanticizing since I was a little girl who spoke to trees around the neighborhood so they wouldn't get lonely

a little girl who carried a ziploc of cat treats to make sure the strays knew that they were loved

I played mermaids in chlorine and it didn't affect my gills

in my dreams and my childish whims I had a soulmate

believed everyone had a soulmate
someone destined for them
someone to have such undiluted devotion for then and in return

ride or die

Bonnie and Clyde

I thought I knew what love was

I didnt know until I met you and in the first 12 hours we had met I was already claimed.
you made my spirit settle
I've been looking for that peace ever since you left
I think you've been searching too--
in walmart versions of me in the city we both moved to for separate reasons

the excuses we make to talk now are just that:
excuses
I never had to have one of those before with you
pick up my phone to listen to you breathe
and in the nights where we were apart sleeping to the lullabies I'd sing
you'd request skinny love every time

but I think it turned into something like we hear in stories
when you have it you don't notice it
and you don't notice it until it's gone

I think you and me were a lot like that

I still find myself thinking of you and it's been 5 years
that amount of time seems so small and yet so daunting

five years ago I was 18
five years from now I'll be 28

I'm scared to see when these next five will take me

I still think of my life as a failure. I'm kind of in a standstill and have been since you left
I guess I'm still trying to cope with the fact that my dreams, while staying the same, don't feel right without you

you are still an intrical part in my dreamscape
still a trauma my friends hear about
still a trauma I am learning to accept


I guess this is to all say I love you
and I hate that I'm not the one you share your home with
I dreamed childishly before of soulmates
I realize now they don't exsist
for if they do you are mine
but one I'll never have again

I met a girl named Megan
She was my best friend
Placed herself into my life and was unapologetic in everything she did
I admired her for that until I didn't

She lives in a one bedroom with my ex boyfriend
I have to go to work hearing him talk about the cats that once were mine that he now calls his
Those nights at 3am when I woke up with the bed empty next to me and finding him with you in the living room make sense
I was never the one people really wanted

I'm still recovering financially from what you did to me
I'll be recovering mentally for much longer
I'm realizing I don't have a best friend
I don't think I ever did

I used to miss you
I used to reach for my phone to call you and tell you about the miniscule events of my day
I used to bring you up in every conversation
Now I wish I could forget

He brings you around
And I'm not bitter at him anymore
I think I always knew we wouldn't work out
But I'm bitter towards you, no matter how much I try to forgive myself for what happened
Your name is taboo
A curse
A forbidden word that causes me to spiral down into painic attacks

I always knew that meeting you would change my life
I now wish I never did
I hope you're happy with this
I'll be having nightmares filled with you again

I fell last week.
Hard and fast
Abruptly
My foot slipped out from under me in a way I know my ankle will never be the same thirty years from now
Strange how a human can endure intense operations and fully recover
But an ankle will never be the same if it's twisted once
I guess I'm similar that way

It slipped out of my mouth before I could choke back the words
I love you
To me those words are forbidden
The meaning of which I never allowed myself to indulge in
I never found myself worthy of them until now
I love you
It felt so natural
They way my tongue lightly teased the roof of my mouth and finished off at my lips in an "o"
I never thought that those words could feel so light
I always imagined they'd pummel out of my mouth like a brick
Hitting the ground with such force the tenderness of the moment would be shattered like ciderblock
Yet these words weren't bricks
They didnt break like I always thought they would
They weren't accompanied by twangs of fear or anguish
I love you
Instead I found myself smiling.
A gentle tugging at the corner of my lips
Captive to my puppet master, the strings pulled them so high my teeth were showing
I was crying like I always imagined I'd be doing
But it was out of jubilation
Of relief
Of safety
In the comfort of knowing these words which held me back in fear of their power for so long were words of power not for their daunting significance but for their freeing ability
I never dreamed I could fly
Some dreams are so foolish no child would deem it possible
And saying I love you was a nightmare of mine
But hearing you say it back--
Knowing that no matter what you said that I didnt regret it--
God, how I felt like I could fly in that moment.
I have no fear of those words now
They give me comfort
I love you
Such power only eight letters hold.
I could finally allow someone to see my heart
I'm so glad it was you.

--I spent years beliveing I was unworthy

I'm afraid my loudness was too much for you
My openess in my happiness that you provided me
Looks screaming at eachother so loudly from across the room people felt like they were witnessing something they shouldn't
I guess now It will only be me looking at you that way
I guess now....
I will love you quietly
From the sidelines
Aching silently
Waiting

she told me setting boundaries is being kind to myself
and I've never really been good at that
being kind that is
I will cower and fade to the detriment of myself  before I will admit that this is decidedly unhealthy

but I'm trying to do better
be better I mean
as a person I call myself cruel to be kind
as I know my mind better than anyone else's
and I know that it is condescending at best

but she tells me to be gentle
treat myself with patience and grace
but I have never liked my name

I don't know if fear exists in the absence of courage or it is accompanies it with a hand on its back
leading it into the forest among all the beasts that lurk there

I don't know if forgiveness should be this contractual obligation that it is in my mind
a softness I rarely allow myself to feel
and while you cannot **** me in a way that matters
I will still feel the blade forcing itself further
the sharpness a stinging not unlike lightening
a gripping of my heart in a too tight hand

she tells me to breathe
a laboring shaky breath that allows air into my lungs once again
the hollow void of the knife leaving behind a scar I cannot be rid of
a reminder of weakness in the face of a wicked beast

she tells me to be kind
to forgive myself for something I shouldn't have to forgive
and well,
I'm not very good at that part

I dont claim to know a lot
Like I still dont understand what it means when people say to lift with your legs instead of your back
Believe me I've tried many times and it's always my back doing the lifting. My legs can take it too. My thunder thighs arent running from a challenge but somehow they can never manage to be the ones doing the lifting
So I'm a little lost on things like that
But one thing I am absolutely certain about is you.

--Headspace

I say I'm over you
tell others that I don't want you back and wouldn't come back even if you asked nicely
my sister told me I move on quickly and excuses tumbled out of my mouth before my brain registers that they've fallen
you see these dates I've been on have been meaningless
a useless endeavor, really in an attempt to fill this emptiness you left me with
I dreamt of you again last night and when I woke punished myself by staring at pictures of you until my eyes were raw
I haven't deleted any of them
The vision of you in my dream told me you were in love
told me you found that person who makes your heart do trills like cats purrs
I remember waking with tears
Every **** time I think I'm over you, I look to the gorge you've left in me
Reminders all around my room
The tickets we bought for a date but never used still untouched in the middle console in my car
They don't have an expiration date

it's a change I knew was coming
a slow reality setting in that want and desire are overthrown by happenstance
I'm facing a loss and for that I grieve
there was denial on my lips for the longest time
months of agonizing over weather or not it was all in my head even with the physical evidence in my hands
anger in the unfairness of it all, my youth clinging to thinning strands I once struggled to control
I tried to bargain with myself--a last ditch effort of treatments that promised a solution until reality shook me by the shoulders once again
at least I have this
I tell myself
but I know what's coming next, and I fear for that moment when depression rears it's head at me again,
grabbing me by the throat and forcing me to face myself in the mirror until I do not recognize the face looking back
there will be  acceptance one day
I will be comfortable again in my own skin
but for now I grieve a loss that is no body else's but my own

there will be no grave to visit

I write because I cannot speak
cannot say out loud what I try to convince myself isn't true
I write and I bleed
thoughts and emotions
wet and raw and /there/
warmth slips down my face in a shaky line
I won't wipe
won't acknowledge is there
I'll look you in the eyes
splayed open
/bleeding/
     /real/
and avoid thinking about how the last time I showed these gorey parts of myself to someone else they left
/they left/
and they had /promised/
does it scare you too?
To know of the power you hold over me?
I try and I try and I try
And I still come out not knowing better
Hindsight saying I should have listened to my instinct
But I fight against it every time
I make the same mistakes again and again
Because I still have hope
Does that make me foolish?

I didn’t call out of work today
I didn’t answer the voicemails from concerned coworkers asking if I was alright
I didn’t go into work late with a half-assed excuse of traffic or a mixed up schedule
Instead I went home and slept
Deleting any texts or history of calls as some illusion to myself that they never happened

I laid in my bed confused
This unfeeling-ness not new or unfamiliar just unwelcome and abrupt
Like housing an old friend I once knew too well
I’m unprepared for the visit though
Unsure of how to handle a guest without plans or food in the house to entertain with
It’s been a while since I’ve had to deal with her

     --I moved to the mountains and got stuck in a valley

I could compare you to the moon
And how she looks down lovingly at me so full of bright eyed fondness, sometimes squinting with smile lines--tender

I could compare you to the ocean
Constantly coming back to kiss the sands
Always eager to reach them, always reluctant to pull away

I could compare you to the wind
Fierce some days, but quietly caressing on others
Unapologetic in the way she dances with swirling and abrupt movements--impulsive

But I will compare you to the sun
Burning and blinding
If I stand in your presence too long I'm in pain
I tried drowning you out in liquor
Instead with your heat and intensity and my lips seeking the cool feel neck of the bottle
I grew dehydrated; shade seeking: the black spots in my eyes growing bigger

You taught me compromise and sacrifice are different
I'm still trying to accept that

When I write a love poem you're always in the back of my mind
But these poems aren't entirely about you
I often find myself writing from someone else's perspective
I'm trapped in someone else's mind and memories
I hope to meet her one day.

I wrote my thoughts on yellow paper:
blue lines,
red margin,
I found relief in the feel of the smoothness against the side of my hand--
and I was content with life for awhile

but I realized that that life was false,
some abomination of the real world--
a place of kindness where there was evil,
a utopia where there was none

and my thoughts I think have become juvenile with age--
which is to say I feel childish in my emotions:
unable to feel the things that are important
instead of those problems which are just surface level

my anxiety is a demon clawing at my shoulder,
it holds and it holds and it holds--
it is stuck into me with sharp teeth and talons,
and it reminds me everytime I move my arm that it is there--
always watching,
always whispering
gurgled words I have long since known how to fear

and it's difficult to say why I feel this way,
maybe I was cursed ,
maybe I was just born unlucky,
or maybe it's been my fault all along
letting pathetic reasoning take place

I wish I could go back to that paper--
that yellow glare of comfort,
the easiness of feeling something controlled for once
but instead I speak about petty nothingness every two weeks--
too enamored with the idea of the now,
that I am unready and unwilling to open up the past

it always ends like this :
blank pages glaring,
forced steady breathing,
with the knowledge that avoidance is the same thing as accepting

You reminded me of a time when everything wasnt so balanced
When a step this way or that would throw my entire life out of line
And it forces me to realize I'm walking on a cliff without a steady handrail
A rusted culmination of metal and paint flakes the only life vest before I'm taken over by these waves that threaten to drag me under
You remind me that life is unpredictable
That happiness is not constant
That effort must be continuous for a payoff
I can't float in a sea forever without drowning
I cant stand at a cliff edge letting my eyes guide me instead of my feet and trust that the wind wont push me over the edge
You remind me that right now will change
And I'm still not sure how to feel about that

It's been 6 days
My hair is in a greasy knot kept semi presentable with dry shampoo
My skin breaking out like I'm going through puberty
My legs and armpits constantly hidden because I dont trust myself enough with a blade to only shave.
It's been 6 days
My towels are hanging right where they should be
My toiletries glaring at me from the edge of the tub
I cant bring myself to step over that threshold
It's been 6 days
And I know if I attempt I wont be able to stand
Instead sitting in the dark while water too hot blasts this punishment into my back for abandoning it for too long
I can always pretend my life is together
Fridge full, makeup neat, bills paid
From the outside I look like I'm doing fine
But I know the truth
And it's been 6 days

I didnt realize I'd neglected you
Seeing all the dust you accumulated is sobering
Why haven't I been around?
Oh you know,
I've been busy
Distracted with....work
Or not work
I'm sorry I cant lie to you
I've been dark again
But it's not like that, okay? So dont worry
I promise I'm not planning 7 different ways to not wake up or anything
I just....you know, needed a break?
From my head that is
A break from my head to clear my head using my head
That doesn't make sense
I guess what I'm trying to say is I'm sorry
What I want to use you for is selfish
I want to give you poems of lighthearted tounge and cheek
But all that I write now is heavy and I know you're old and don't need that kind of script to worry about
I'll dust you off and write something cheery soon
Until then, wait a little longer okay?

I breathed and inhaled stardust
and I wonder---
how I can miss someone I've never met.

I met you without meeting you
I loved you without knowing you
and I will die without truly ever hearing you-

the lack of you in my life is just as substantial as your place in it

i get in the car and its easy
seat-belt. foot. pedal. go.
see? easy
down the road, only two right turns and i'm there
everyday
not even five minutes away
it's easy to drive
easy because of muscle memory
easy enough as a piece of plastic in my wallet
but my drive
my drive is never easy
wake up
struggle out of the covers
cursing the sunlight filtering through my curtains
get up my brain yells
no my body fights back
begrudgingly I stand and get dressed for the day
this drive is always hard
the getting up part
the leaving part
and everything in between
when I'm home with no obligation other than my animals
I can afford to have the car turned off
I wish my drive was as easy as the one to work
simple with no thinking
nowhere to go but forward and two right turns

I watch as they have petty arguments
make up in a day
and cuddle in the other room

and I want that trivial bickering
the kind that ends in laughter and soft kisses on the forehead

I see the way they care for each other
in playful glances and the small gestures of bringing the other a drink just cause
the pausing of a game to check in on the other
the cooking from one and the washing of the dishes from the other and I realize I want that

I want to be able to wake in the arms of another
feel supported and loved
cherished in a way I haven't been before
I desire the mundane
the splitting of chores
errands run in tandem

I crave the affection that can only come from another who loves and accepts me for me
someone who supports my dreams
and gets along with my friends and family

I want to share my space with someone who feels like they don't take up much of it
yet everywhere I look there'll be a reminder of them in my eyes
and I think of the song being alive and I think I understand

I thought you must have been God's favorite to have made you in all the ways I thought I needed you to be
and that should have scared me all the same
because even the devil himself was once God's favorite
and look how far he fell

You taught me that perfection is impossible
And I'm still learning to accept that

You say you care about me
but it's not in the way I want you to
I want to grow old and share our lives
I want to wake up with coffee on the porch and a cat in our respective laps
I want to tell you about my day in a more than a friend kind of way

I care about you
but more than you do about me
and I'm still learning to accept that
a slow realization with heartache that we will never be what I want

and it's a shock to my system to acknowledge the fact that someone has felt this way for me before
I could not reciprocate then
and you will not reciprocate now

and it seems silly to think about
7 years ago I fell in love and I haven't fallen out since

You were vinegar and I was oil
Never truly meaning to mix
but going together so **** well

I keep passing mirrors searching
Store windows hoping
for just a glimpse of who I am

You told me once you read my poetry to check in on me
Does  reading it sting you the ways writing it burns me?
It's been months
I haven't spoken to you in over a year now
I moved planets for you
You used my friendship for yourself
I've discovered I'm easy to use

I've been cheated on now three different times by three different guys
The two people I considered my best friends never saw me the same way
I was convenient
A scapegoat

I have trust issues now
Codependency comes quickly to me
And I'm jealous watching the people I now talk to talk to others
It's selfish
And stupid
But this is the damage you gave me

I throw money at people and things so they won't leave me
I mirror behaviors scared if I'm too different I'll be abandoned once again
I want love so badly but I'm scared to fall again and not be able to get back up this time

My entire life I've been trapped in a glass box--
glass walls;
there's a barrier between myself and my emotions--
a barrier between myself and the rest of the world

I ache

I thought I saw things and understood clearly what my life was and meant--
I thought I saw clearly who were my friends--
but I didn't,
I couldn't,
still can't,
my hands have been reaching for touch:
acceptance;
someone to see me clearly too

but I've placed my hands on this barrier so many times that handprints and the sworls of my fingertips marr the glass with smudges
the vision is blurred

I'm reaching out

trying to touch

just making the visibility worse with every attempt


       --I don't think I'll ever see the glass clearly again

Playing this game of life with the cards I've been dealt feels like an impossible task--
but I can't draw new ones
I'm forced to play with what I've been given: broken pieces, a soggy misshapen board, weighted die
I'm playing with a losing hand
the game stacked against me

--- the house always wins

I thought it would be harder
And maybe it's because I've been waking in panic attacks from nightmares
Shaking from anxiety
Battling my irrational thoughts with slightly less irrational but still not nearly as logical ones for weeks now
I wanted communication
I got what I asked for
This outcome is bittersweet

--I'll watch from a distance
More alone than I've ever been

I'm trying to put these feelings into words but I don't know the vocabulary
I know I am uncomfortable
I feel reprimanded---
chagrined in a way that is thoughtful but wary of change

these steps seem simple to you
but I am trying and they're steeper than I'm used to
I'm scared that if I reach the top
then I will fall back to the bottom even harder than before

and the climb becomes more difficult each time
and the summit is never as beautiful as I was told
so I sit at the bottom of the stairwell and watch as others around me sprint up the steps
They're waiting for me again dancing at the top to a rhythm I've never heard and will forever struggle to learn

Healing takes time

It took me a laughably long time to figure out that happiness isn't some pipe-dream want or a privilege

   ---You deserve to be happy

How do you communicate with
someone who is always going back on their words?
How am I still in love with someone
who only seems to tolerate me?

I can just make out the blurry red of your shirt
They way colors blur is not new to me
My eyes have been blind for a long time
My life painted in water color without my glasses
But this isnt the same
My eyes are hot
Saltwater threatening to fall
My dam of emotions is breaking and all the hardware stores are closed
I cant repair this in time
By morning I won't need concrete anymore
I'll need a boat

   --God once hated his creations so much he wiped them out with a flood

We went outside today
a concrete courtyard with partial sun
and like dogs we lined up
excited and eager to go outside and play frisbee
to draw with chalk
for the privilege to sit in unfiltered air

This place is like kindergarten
I'm drawing and coloring
with music class sprinkled in
our P.E. morning stretches
we lineup to walk to the dining hall

I think I needed this--
this childish retreat--
a place to have someone else take care of me for a change
with my peers, and in downtime,
I forget why I'm here
laughing, talking, able to speak without fear of judgment
we all walk in hand with our demons here and then I'm faced with doctors
and I'm forced to remember
forced to feel
I don't like that part

Tell me why i still write about you
tell me why i'm still hanging onto that cliche branch off the edge of a cliff
tell me why i'm scared to fall into a world without you in it
i should be happy
in a way i am
i have a girlfriend now and i can already tell she'll treat me better than you ever did
can already tell that i'm on my way to loving her
maybe once day i'll be in love with her
so tell me why i'm still writing about you and not her
                                   please just tell me

I know I would be dead without my medication
a day off and I dream more than I could ever imagine
two days and I'm seizing on the floor
withdrawal so intense I'm dizzy and crying
and shaking, nauseous,
a phantom explosion in my head
I feel off
Three days and I'm hospitalized
I feel like an addict
but I have to tell myself that I am back to square one
back to the chemical imbalance I was before the
prescription healed me to be
This is normal
you are not an addict
you are sane

But that one day off I love
I sleep so deeply I feel dead to the world
comatose with lucid dreams
I dream so vividly I can feel them in my waking self
I know I can't fly yet my dreams say I can
I would spend days in this trance if I could
Last night I dreamed I was in Disney
My medication causing me true terror through amazement
yet this morning I felt off
and tired
and like I would ***** any minute
I wish these symptoms would stop
I wish I just felt normal without it
But the chemistry in my brain never adds up
I want to be trapped in the feeling of constant dreams
It's when I can truly live

It's incomplete and distanced
Like losing an old friend
Fondness and nostalgia burrowing in this empty space you've given me
Dissociation always takes hold here
The world a still life painting I'm not very fond of
I'd rather go back to your texts
Prolonging the words
Putting off that dreaded end
Until we meet again

You thought that you were better now
years of medication and therapy and routine playing day to day on repeat until it is all you know
You thought you were happy
content
learning to enjoy living agian
but all good things must come to an end, my dear
and now I ask--
are you happy?
or are you just comfortable?
do you even know the difference between the two?

I've been here before
This weird mentality in between okay and not
It's a seesaw I sit on with myself
balancing the bar with equal weight and no sudden movements
And it's always a test to see how long I can hold it this time
A week?
A month?
A day?
I try to beat my record everytime
Positive that my balance must be getting better after all this time
positive that muscle memory should kick in at some point and take over
It never does
I hope it gets easy soon.
I don't like when it tips
when it tilts one way,
it always tilts back the other with much greater force
But I'm balancing now
I'm balanced for now

I think I love you
Well, not think-- I know I do
I've been slowly falling since day one
But it's hard for me to admit my feelings
Because you are the most important person in my life and I dont want to ruin that
I dont think I'm in love with you yet
I'm guarding my heart with my head from that one final step
I'm scared to take it
I can't do that long distance thing again
I cant hurt you to heal me
Even if you are in the back of my thoughts every minute
Even if my dreams have you and I together
Even if my coworkers are tired of hearing your name on my lips
I cannot be selfish this time
I always used to want to be selfish about the people I loved
Wanted to keep them for myself and hold them close
But you make me want to be selfless just this once
I want you to be able to have what I can never give you
I dont want you to hold back your dreams just for me
There's something bittersweet about the fact that I am content knowing you'd probably be happier without me

I wrote this instead of sleeping
Because everytime I close my eyes I think of you
And I'm still unsure if it counts as a nightmare
If you wake up more longing than scared

Be concerned if I'm talking
If I'm outgoing
If I'm smiling in a room full of people
because I promise you those are the times I am lying
Don't worry if I'm quiet
or alone
My mind is racing
My ideas are competing for best screenplay
They're writing a novel that the world will never see
Winning old arguments
Visiting new places
So please don't worry about me if I'm quiet
My mind is loud enough

A part of me feels tilted on an axis
a mobius strips, no end, no beginning,
but twisted all the while
and I try to straighten it--
try to gain some semblance of normalcy
but these feelings come in waves,
abruptly crashing to shore;
always slow to pull back

there's a time and a place for changes,
but I am never prepared for mine--
routine interrupted by chemicals I try desperately to tame

abrupt changes in motion
I drag myself to skid
the ground is hard
it's unwelcoming--cold and damp,
gravel pressing into my back