Mother why are you crying
Could it be because I'm dying?
You thought the worst was in the past
I should tell you, you were wrong.

Father why are you yelling?
It just makes death more compelling;
You thought your voice would scare me
I should tell you, you are wrong.

Lover why are you leaving
I survived but still you're grieving?
You think you know best what's in my heart
I should tell you, you are wrong.

Brother why do you smile so wide
When I tell you I dream of suicide?
Thinking deep down I want to live
I should tell you, you are wrong.

Sister why must I love you so?
You are what makes it hard to go;
So innocent and fragile
You think the world so sweet and kind.
I should tell you, you are wrong.

So many people in my life
That question if this choice is right
They just don't know or comprehend
Why I so wish my life would end
And though I love them all so much
I feel so very out of touch
Even though I will be missed
I give them all a final kiss
You said this won't be my last song...
But I should tell you, you are wrong.

Hello up there my darling cloud
You’re pregnant with my tears;
Darkness looming overhead
I’m blinded by my fears.
How is it that you stay afloat
You never leave my side;
Constant reminder of my pain
You’ve stripped me of my pride.
Cloud of mine why must you stay
I can’t believe my eyes;
The worse I feel the more you grow,
You’ve eclipsed the sunny skies.
Listen very close, my cloud
I will not tell you twice;
Leave me now and leave for good
Before I pay the final price.
If you aren’t gone before I wake
I swear this night’s my last;
I’ll never move ahead in life
If I can’t escape my past.

Time slips across my mind
Flowing through the gears that grind
Laying in a trance-like sleep
Counting minutes, counting sheep.
Dreams come and go like smoke
Each one does my heart evoke
And from my grasp each dream evades
While behind my eyelids each parades.
Dreams of heaven dreams of hell
Dreams so dark i shouldn't tell
Dreams that wake me in the night
Dreams that blot out all the light.
Lips that graze across my cheek
Stop the oozing tears that leak
Lost inside my silent slumber
Teary kisses hold me under.
But am i now too lost to find
The blinking EXIT in my mind?
I worry that its grown too late
For from these dreams i cant escape!
Find me, keep me, bring me back
Before my whole world turns to black
And when you find me hold me tight
Bring me closer to the light.
Wake me from this sleep my dear
I've been asleep too long i fear
But if i've stayed too long this way
With me, in dreams, i hope you'll stay.

Our bodies are conductors
of electricity
Sparks fly from you to me
igniting a fire
kindled by our desire
for freedom
in it's pure form
shelter from the restless storm
within our souls.
We are the flames reaching
high up to the sky
and the wisps of ash
as they pass
are the words we
whisper.
The wind ushers us along
while we sing the songs of nature
as it passes us by...
you are the best high I've ever had
and the low comes slow
as we float back down to earth
until we are ready
to fly again.

I love you but you don't exist
You live within my mind
Why is it that my heart aches
With the thought of losing a thought...
I dreamed you up one night
With perfect little toes and a tiny little nose...
My baby, my darling child
Sometimes I take a nap just to play with you.
You were real once upon a time
A little blip in my belly
Barely even recognized as life...
But I knew you were there...
And I knew as soon as you were gone...

Sitting in my paper house
Looking through the walls
I hear the breaking dishes
And the candle as it falls.
Burning house on paper hill
Rush to douse the fire
We just sit and laugh and stare
Tickled with desire.
Looking at our house of cards
On the bedroom floor
Laughing as we seal the windows
And lock the only door.
Then we spark another flame
And set the home ablaze
Laughing at the fiery light
That captivates our gaze.
Running from our paper lives
Stretched out way too thin
Transparent are our many lies
Translucent is our skin.
Giddy little children playing
Stupid little games
We laugh and cry and scream aloud
As our life goes up in flames.

I never colored inside the lines
And i watch my lips kiss
The blue silk line across
My cigarette
I feel as though nothing was
Ever as beautiful
As right now.
My hair falls
Canopy to my tear struck face
Shelter from the storm.
I'm a minor chords type
Nothing ever tasted as sweet
As it did yesterday and
The grass is always greener
When someone else is
Speaking of it.
I take my coffee black and my
Souls even blacker
Take a picture of my eyes
So you know I'm always watching
As you sleep with eyes wide open
Lids heavy with insomnia
I'll be there to keep your peace.
I've never been so mixed up
So messed up so ****** up
Before in my whole life
And writing this doesn't even
Help to sort it out.
I'm a lost soul on a
Broken plane in a saddened world
Where people have no name...

(Like how badly I want you to **** me
When you're trying to
Yell at me...
Like how much I want you to hold my hands
Behind my back and sink so far into my body
That I feel it in my soul...
Like how much it turns me on when
You press me into the mattress
With your hand around my throat
When you're trying to
Intimidate me...
Like how fiercely I hope for your kisses to turn to
Bites and I'll bleed all over the bed
And I'll sink down to my knees
While you hold me by
My hair
And make me **** you dry....)
So all I say is "Good night, I love you"
While I roll on my side
Pressing myself against you desperately
Hoping these are
Your wishes
Too...
But how would you know
If I'm too afraid
To tell you?

My favorite necklace
Is a noose
And I laugh when you
Make it too loose cuz
You're always trying
To save me.
You're my favorite
Voice inside my
Head
And the only
Monster underneath
My bed
But you don't
Exist, you're  just an
Extension of
Myself
Just like everybody
Else
In my life I ever loved
Cuz who I am
Is just not
Enough
For anyone to
Love for real.
My whole life
Revolves around
Fight or flight
Cuz I'd rather let myself
Drown
Then let someone
Down
And I'd give it all
Up, the little
That I have
Just to see you
Smile
Just to see you
Glad
To be alive
Even if you only
Exist
In my mind.

What is it that you dream of
When I lie in your arms
Wide awake in the darkness
As I stare through your sleeping eyes.

The years slide through my memory
I pause on those spent with you
Savoring the sweetness
Trying to kindle them anew.

As you toss and turn
I feel the gap between us grow
So many feelings with no name
Too much history to start from scratch.

I cling to your body in desperation
Hoping the physical closeness
Will mend the metaphoric void
It's a child's dream, so fragile, so blind.

You almost wake when I squeeze too tight
If I loosen my grip will I lose you?
I risk it and my fears are realized
As I watch you drift out of reach...

sometimes you ask me
where i go
when i seem so far out of reach
staring out my window
stopping short
half way through
a conversation about
me and you
and you get upset
when I sigh and tell you
that I
forget
cuz when i go to that
place
it leaves no sign
no trace
that i was ever there...
i watch as you try
to understand
why
i act the way i do
but i just smile
cuz i know
you'll be waiting
a while
cuz i haven't even
figured it out for
myself yet...
all i can say
is that i love you
today
and that really is
the best that
i can do
cuz the only thing
between me and
you
is your inability
to accept me
for me.

it only seems fair
that after the dagger
i put in your heart
is removed,
i give you a free shot
at mine.
i thought that would be
the worst pain in
the world
but i was wrong;
the worst is knowing
i gave you that
chance but instead
you shook your head
and plunged the dagger
back through
your own
chest.

The stars illuminate the leaves on trees
for miles and all I see are
constellations mingling in the silken skies.
A shooting star from far off galaxies
wipes away the fallacies of life as
we know, to reveal the path lain out
by the real God; time.
Time has seen all, knows all, shows all--
with a fist as swift as Eros' arrow Time
crushes all within his path
without thought to the aftermath.
Yet time is not unforgiving, loving
none more than the living with gifts
like birth and life and death
a promise that there is something next.

I don't know how to say
What I want to say
Or the words that you need to hear
To be ok
Or the excuses that will work
To calm your nerves
Or the things I need to do
To be the daughter
You deserve...
I don't know what to do
To fix my life
Do I need to be a friend
Or a sister
Or wife?
Do I have what it takes to
See this life through
Or am I too weak
Too meek
To stay true
To myself...
What words should I utter
To calm the shutter
I felt since the day I was born?
What things do you need to hear
To make you forget
Your daughter, your dear
Sweet wreck of a spawn
The girl with a head that's not quite on
The right way...
I have tried for so long
To belong
To this family
Yet the harder I try
The more that I die
Inside...So should I sacrifice
What's left of my happiness
So you can be a
Class A mom?
I hope that you know
That it's only a show
And the smile I wear
Isn't really there,
Is that fair
Of you to ask me to do?
I give up....it's up to you.

I feel it slipping—

Like sand through fingers

On the beach in my soul

Where the tide rages

And birds cannot find

Any food to eat

Because all that was planted

Is rotten

And all that was found

Was forgotten.

I feel it falling—

Like a man from the roof

Of his damnable house

When he feels he cannot

Take it anymore;

Where the birds sing their

Strangled songs

And sinners try to

Right their wrongs.

I feel it sliding—

Like an oil slick

On a gravel road

In the forests of my mind

Where children hide

Their broken smiles,

And jacks and jills

Roll down the hills

And secrets slide

From lips so wide

To ears so near they hear it clear.

I feel it breaking—

Like the ***** windows

In that damnable house

With finger prints

And drawings traced

By finger tips

Upon the panes of glass

Which shutter in the

Windy night

And whisper that it’s

All alright.

I feel it fading—

Like a fire waning

In the night

Beneath the stars

That burn so bright

And in the humid

Summer air

I know that it’s too late

To care;

But I feel it breaking

Snapping, shaking…

My sanity slipping from my grasp

Is getting way too hard to clasp.

It’s gone.

There is a door
   A secret door
      A lovely, painted, magic door
         Etched with a promise to take me to
            A world in which
               I'd want to live.
There is a place
   A hidden place
      A beautiful and enchanted place
         Home to people with the purest of souls
            People with which
               I'd love to live.
There is a home
   A perfect home
      A gorgeous, ageless, tiny home
         Adorned with rooms for those I love
            Rooms in which
               I dream I'll live.
There is a face
   A ravishing face
      A splendid, classy, radiant face
         The face I hope to one day wear
            When I go through the door
               To that place, my home.

There is                                               a twisted                                                   tree
    in the distance..                            with branches                                   reaching
     toward the                                      sky, forever                                  searching
        for the hand                              of God to come                                and fix the
       tormented                                   twisting limbs...                          to save it from
    the men that                                    want its bark                                and its heart
  and its old                                         and ancient                                     soul...but to
     its dismay                                        the tree does                                   not receive
       the help it seeks                           from the god it                            searched for
          and waited for                          and prayed to                          and hoped
                for in the dead                   of the night and                  the sting of
                       the day...                      because the god            it was expecting
                               turned               his back so long ago      that the
                                       whole earth forgot that he was real...so
                                            why is it, tree, that you still search
                                                for this god that has forsaken
                                                    us all? could you hold
                                                    an ancient truth buried
                                                    in your twisted frame?
                                                    I see this tree far away
                                                    Standing­ alone against
                                                    The starry sky, and I
                                                    Wonder how it got there
                                                     And how it has stayed
                                                    So long...It is then that
                                                  I notice the eerie whispers
                                               on the wind, coming from the
                                             archaic tree...and I realize that the
                                    god to which it begged for helo really did exist
                          because it he didn't, that beautiful, tattered, twisted tree
                 would have                                                             ­      been gone
                 years before                                                           ­      I could've
                    stumbled                            ­                                     upon its
                        grace...

I'm with you but sometimes I wonder
If you're with me
Cuz when I say I love you sometimes
You just laugh and turn the other way.
There are days when I look at you and feel
An overwhelming coldness grip me
Like that first day of winter when I know
Fall has come to an end
And soon all of the beauty of Autumn
Will fall to the ground to be covered
And forgotten in the snow.
Once in a while when you smile at me
I know you love me for just that second
Like a film cell taken out of a
Movie that never ends...
Some days are fun and we go on trips to
Places we never even heard of
In states we never even saw
Just on a whim like a couple of bums
We picked up and packed up
And had *** in random beds along the way.
How can I love you so much
And give you so much
When I barely even see the real you
And when I do
He scares me...
I find myself wanting more and I feel bad
Because I know with you
I'll never get it
But I can't help but hope that one day
You'll see what you have
And you'll want to be better for me...
I wonder if that makes me
Selfish or if it just proves that
I'm only human.

But I've been stuck in my own
                               Pluvial place for so long that
                  I no longer know what
                                                 Clear skies look like.

I only miss you when
The day turns to night
And shadows creep across
The halls
When its only darkness
And i have to feel along the walls
Alone in this
Haunted house.
Full of memories and loss
And the sorrows of one thousand souls
Whose cries are heard from
All the holes
Left in the wall, an impression
Of my head
When you wished i was dead.
I only miss you when the
Stars cannot be seen and
When by my seventh shower
I don't feel clean
I only miss you when a song
Screams to me of those
Old feelings rare and raw
Or see a picture of things we saw
When i catch your scent
On the air
When i call your name to find
You are not there.
I miss you when i see your
Face in my dreams
You are the thing that goes bump
In the night
The monster unseen.
But when i think of all the
Hurt you made
The scars left by fingertips on
The skin you flayed...
I hate you in your hateful glory
I hope you lay awake, so sorry
To have lost the only thing you ever had
To have turned your one good thing
To something bad...
But i know I'm never in your head
As long as there's another girl
Thats in your bed....

But I only see her once a month
Talk to her once a week
Think about her once a day...
Why then, do I call her
Best friend?
She is the only
Friend
I have...

I hate you and
The taste that you leave
You're like that hideous stain
I can't get off of my sleave
I hate the way you kiss
And the way your **** would miss
As if i were too small to find
Too dumb to mind
That you abused me every
Night and all day
And just when i thought i got away
You reel me in and hold me tight
And promise me that i'm alright.
Choke me til i hit the floor
**** me til i beg for more
Hit me til i see the stars
Throw my body in the car...
But you loved me then and
Love me still
And i know i have until
I give my heart to someone new
And break your broken heart in two
two...
And i would hate to see the
Sleepy tears
That fall from cheek to sheet
For years
For every night and think of you
And all the things we used to do
Before the whole world went all mad
Before my days were dark and sad
Before the fists and blood and sweat
Before i could make myself forget
Those three long years of
No tomorrows
The three long years
Of hopeless sorrows.

Don't kiss me goodbye
Just kiss me hello
Maybe that way
You'll decide not to go.

Don't sleep by my side
Just sleep in my arms
Maybe that way
I'll protect you from harm.

Don't open your wings
Just open your heart
Maybe that way
We will not fall apart.

Don't tell me your lies
Just tell me the truth
Even though we are young
We have wasted our youth.

Don't say that you'll stay
Just say that you're done
And just kiss me hello
Then goodbye with your gun....

I've come to realize that
I have no home
No space I can
Call my own
No room where I can
Run and hide
When the world becomes
Too much
To bear
But no one cares
Cuz I bounce between
My parents house
And the apartment
I once called
Mine
But now only belongs to
Him.
He never did learn
To share
And the more days
I live on travel sized
Toothpaste
I realize how much
Of my life
Is a
Waste.
No job no skills
Just time
To ****
With this nagging
Sense of
Doom
I'm running out of room
To breathe.
No home to call my own
I've grown used to
Running
From my problems
And reaching for
A hand to save
Me from my open
Grave
But never find one there
Or anywhere.

I wish you would call me beautiful
Instead of "******* hot"
When age sets in and looks will fade
Being "****" matters not.
Beauty is something harder earned
On the inside, not the out
I think there's many in this messed up world
That forget what beauty is about.

Just because I'm lonely

Doesn't mean that I'm alone

After all is stripped away

The last thing left is merely bone.

Like a skeleton in mourning

For her earthly beauty lost

I retreat to loveless solitude

Without knowing what it costs.

In the skin of those I envy

I walk through this world alone

With a smile shining brightly

Painted on this face of stone.

Hands reach down to save me

From this rut I've snuggled in

But I'd rather face this world without

Rather than have to look within...

Helpless
Drowning in these dreams
I'm ripping open
At the seams
Now nightmares roaming free
I cannot breathe
I cannot see.

Scared
Running out of time
I find no reason
Find no rhyme
To explain the way I feel
As my monsters
Become real.

Broken
Searching for the piece
To make this puzzle
Be complete
That night is gone
I can't remember
Summer gone
It's now December.

Cold
I feel my heart begin slow
I feel a sickness
Start to grow
Within my mind
Within my soul
I stare inside and lose control.

Tired
Eyelids heavy as the night
I see you
Though you're out of sight
I cannot breathe
Without you here
This life I live
Is what I fear.

Dead
The bottle in my hand
I'm dizzy
Can no longer stand
It's over
Finally I can smile
You know
I haven't for a while.