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Satandra Asberry Oct 2016
I apologize to my children once again,
I know u probably wondering when the pain will end.
Mommy messed up made wrong decisions and because of me we are apart,
I know u probably tired of me breaking your hearts.
Again i must overcome this obstacle and i will continue to fight,
But thats no excuse for my choices and no matter what I will make it right.
I hope u still love me and accept me for who I am right now today,
Just know that im not giving up on u and Im not far away.
Im to blame for everything me not u my love it is not your fault,
U matter the most u didnt ask to be here u wouldn't understand if you was never taught.
Please understand those selfish days with the sickness im fighting they may come again,
Im trying to find me and love me so i can love u and our struggle will come to a end.
Soon my babies i will get our family out of this messed up situation,
Who says motherhood doesnt come with its trials and tribulations.
As soon as i can get us right the pain in your hearts will no longer live,
I will mend your hearts from that pain even if you're not ready to forgive.
Every second we are apart i miss and love u will never give up that is a fact,
For now its no goodbye's for it is soon we will have our family back!
Bryson Bryonna Breshawna Bryshawn Josholyn Joshae Lyrical. Forgive me!!
Satandra Asberry May 2019
My love for you has never been phony,
For u will always remain Big Tony.
My heart and soul needs u so bad,
But at times u make me so so Mad.
So many people have there inputs on what we do,
But you forget sometimes that our relationship consists of just me and you.
We both had are hardships of pain in our past,
I thought that would make our relationship Last.
But I guess I could never truly be loved by you,
To many tears hurt painful words uncotroled mind we have no clue.
Big Tony,Big Tony Big Tony,
I thought you were the only man For me.
But I don't know how to give up on us and we will see,
What our future holds for us to be a better u and me.
My love for you is unconditional u are my heart,
I won't allow anyone or anything tear us apart.
For the tears we cry for when we do wrong,
The pain we cause each other won't be long.
Right now I may be going through me feeling so lonely,
But I will forever be in love with my Big Tony!!!
I Love you xoxoxo
Big Tony
Satandra Asberry Sep 2019
CHILDLESS MOTHER!!!

It's impossible to know that you child is still okay,
To protect your child was your job, so you think you failed in every way.
When your child is no longer with you and still so very young,
You can’t help but think there must be more you could have done.
Because you didn't do what was needed u failed u must confess,
Now daily wakeups for me are extremely depressed.
You turn the music up and sob while in your car and the shower hides your tears,
You know you can’t survive this kind of loss another day, another month, another year.
Yet, the years go by and you realize you’re still alone,
Although you did all you knew and could, your child did not come home.
They take my children and rip me of my rights as a mother,
Now the everlasting pain I'm covered hurts like no other.
The child you carried and brought into this world has gone away,
There’s nothing left to do but pray and pray .
How evil are those who desire nothing more than to destroy the mother-child bond,
You continue to seek justice, but the gut wrenching pain goes on and on.
No matter how huge the loss, you have no choice but to start another day,
Without your child that gave your life meaning in every way.
So now your lifeless all you want to do is die,
So confused on self worth low self-esteem thinking why try.
The crazy thoughts on why they had to go makes no sense at all,
They say brain surgery to be with them or allow your family to fall.
You lie down at night and think of your child and feel so all alone
There is nothing in this world you want more than for your child to just come home.

     By:Santandra Davis
My Kids are my Life Without them im Lifeless
Satandra Asberry Apr 2017
I came in this world alone
Everyone i knew are gone
Who am I what am i here for
To cause so much pain and suffer more
Everyday I wake up wishing I was me
But im not this is not how my life should be
Im nothing when I wake up to not having my family together
Me and my kids love it will last forever
Who am i without them I am nothing
They are the only ones who make my life something
What did I do i tore us apart
Now i have this emptiness that lies in my heart
We will be back together if it takes all my might
No matter where i got to go or do im up for that fight
I have to keep telling me to just hold on
I hold back so many tears because I have to be strong! !!
Satandra Asberry Mar 2021
Time flew by but today marks a year,
That we became husband and wife my dear
It's been a journey filled with ups and downs,
But that's the way Love is as sweet as it sounds.
Today I Love you more and more as time goes by
My Love for u is unconditional no need to ask why
U and I are going to go through the most together as we
Continue to grow stronger as for I am u and u are me
From rock bottom to the highest level we continue to grow
I Love you so much I really hope that you know
No matter what anyone else prays on our downfall
I know that us together we will stand Tall
For time goes by we don't need to hide,
I will always be down to ride
Today Last year u made me it Queen and I crowned u King
U understand why you are my rock  u are my soulmate my everything
Crazy as it gets it's like bonnie and clyde
I promise you my love forever until I die
I meant it when I said I do til death do us apart,
We belong together and u will always have my heart.

HAPPY ANNIVERSARY I LOVE YOU !
Santandra and Antonio Asberry
Satandra Asberry Oct 2015
This is the time I put it to rest
I'm ready now for my healing process.
My tears will still continue to roll down
Sooner than later it will be over and my family will *** around
My anger will be better I will try my best
But for now please know this is part of my healing process.
Today I am beginning to heal the pain in my heart
I am remembering my life still continues so y not start
I'm finally deciding to put my mind to rest
Just so every one knows
I'm now starting my healing processed.
Santandra Joshua Phillips
Satandra Asberry Jun 2020
Listen I'm sorry for being me
I was raised as a unloved stray if u can't see
They say it's me but all I see is it being  just what they say
Which is it gets better one of those days
So I asked the voices in my head to control my different personalities
I just wish for my brain to be truly free
I don't mean to look like that my face expressions are overrated
I'm the girl they rarely like or the one they hated
Ahead of time I say that I am sorry for being me
But I am trying to get a hold of the same person who I used to be
But it's so hard because I am so broken
The love I give is not what I receive but it's never spoken
What I do I don't mean to frustrate you or make u feel as if u don't wanna be
I'm just trying to figure me out every part and at no fee
I am trying to not be a problem but I guess I always will be
But I can only say I'm sorry for being me
I don't have the best communication sometimes I talk before I think
The way I been raised as a sacrifice really stinks
Nobody really understand what I mean but be patient and it will reveal
Some times a broken heart takes a little longer to heal
I know that My self esteem is no longer where I used to be
But Listen I'm so sorry for being me
I lost myself over the time for everything I went through all alone
Now the love for myself is completely all gone
If I am everyone's problem then okay just let me be
But just know that I am really sorry for being me.
Satandra Asberry Jun 2020
Forever Missing Our little princess and our little man,
Angels in the skies for Joshua Jr & Cheyenne,
Both smiles lit up a room made any bad day Seem Alright,
For anyone who felt Darkness a glance of them u see the light.
Never knew what a calling was still today I'm confused,
What jobs can a infant let alone 2 really do.
Explain to your family and friends my niece and Baby is in the sky,
And no reasoning But what they call S.I.D.S is Why.
Sudden Infant Death Syndrome is what killed my Fam,
You will be Forever Missed  My Joshua Jr and Cheyenne
For April 19th and 21st to approach to us it's all a dream,
Remembering the flesh we brought in this world is now dead unreal it seems
Hearts and lives filled with pain and now all we here is sympathy,
A part of our lives and hearts and us are truly empty.
They say that truth be told is that when you are gone is when u truly live,
For them to get a chance to be here my life I will give.
5years mark today for our family and still we don't understand,
What we did for us to have to now grieve for Joshua and Cheyenne.
Forever missed
Satandra Asberry Mar 2021
If I told you that I Love you 💓 know It is always true,
The best way I know how to,
I know sometimes you're tired of the fight for us to be together
But know that the fight will soon be over and we will live forever
If Loving you is wrong then I Don't want to be Right
I can't stand to be without you in my sight
Starting from the bando days to now we're still standing tall
Even when we have everybody who believes in our downfall
Our struggle is real and it's just crazy sometimes he drives me insane
For me to have changed me and for you to say that I'm still the same
I can't be the same because I look into the mirror and I don't even see me
Everyday I wake up in depression and just wanting to be set free
Free from it all I'm tired of the pain that I'm always feeling
Getting played for a long time I guess my heart needs some healing
It's hard to say but loving you I lost myself
And I'm still out here alone and search for some help
If you truly love me then why you speak to me in such a way
And when I asked you to be real for some reason you tend to play
Why can't you love me the way that I love you
Why is it so easy for you to be quick and say you're through
What is it about when you're wrong you could never apologize and then we move on
When will you start caring when I am dead and gone
But even then I would like to say it probably be to late
Remember the Love I have for you was real I thought was fate
Over and over again I try
to find someone who truly love me before I die but why??
Loving you so much I really lost who I am,
Now I know how it feels being taken for granted by a Man
But I said I lost me because I was in love with you
U took advantage of my heart intentionally by what u do
I Love you Why u couldn't love me I don't understand why
My love so real I was willing to die.
But I couldn't understand with out you I don't want to live
Love is a choice and all I did was give
I was giving while you gave up
Leaving me to believe that me loving you wasn't enough
I stay on my knees giving it to the highest power up above
Begging him to him to help me find me again who I lost being in Love 💕💕
Lost in Love
Satandra Asberry Jun 2020
Have u ever tried so hard to get the love  you give back
Have u ever cried so hard that sometimes it's hard to accept what's Fact
That no matter how hard u try or no matter how hard you cry
The feeling that you are sure u want to feel but why
Why is it hard for u to accept that the love u give may not be
That maybe the love you are dying for the whole time u just won't receive
So then it goes to are u wanting this true love and will it be able to be kept
That sometimes u can love another so so much and it might just be hard for them to accept
Love that is shown  it's not just a four letter word
Love is shown fondly and is stated proudly loud to be heard
What is Love a name that's is so sweet
When 2 can give it to one another is where true love meet
Is Love to be always truly at it's Best
Or is Love follow up with Action but put to the Test
If I give u my Love will u show me what it truly means to you
If I give you my Love would you show Me the meaning follow by ur actions to let me know that it's true.
If love is supposed to be kind then why does it hurt so much
If you love me why must I beg for your touch.
Love me why can't u understand that I love you
Why do u choose to hurt me the way I want to
All I want is for you to love me
What is it about my love that you just can't see.
Satandra Asberry Apr 2017
I push away the ones that try to love me
Because the way I've been loved is painful to see
So please dont try to love me i have no clue how to love you
I runaway from love thats just what i do
Love don't love nobody all i end up is hurt and in pain
Wondering why I chose to love you faulting myself I take the blame
That pain that i suffered from love in my life
Caused alot of heartache and unbearable strife
As a child i had no one who truly loved me
I was a sacrifice as a child for my family to live free
I ranaway from the painful situation I was in
Ran into a older man who beat me to show his love for me within
I never knew that love in my life would hurt this much
I never knew that love will keep me within lusting for that touch
What i tried to do is bury my heart so it cant be hurt again
Not knowing that there's a possibility a person can try to mend
The feeling that if pain is love i don't want it at all
Everytime I was loved by anyone i always seem to fall
I guard myself from love or anyone trying to love me
For me love is a choice not to be taken for granted is how its supposed to be
Satandra Asberry Mar 2016
Some days are better than others,
Waking up as still knowing I'm one of the mothers.
Who hurts deeper than a soul can mend
Sometimes in my heart it hurts deep within
The emotions I am forced to go thru at times I feel attacked
Only if I can bring u back
What who where when and why
Do I have to continue to see the hurt and pain in there eyes
Missing the love of there brother especially in his twin
I know that he feels even more pain deep within
The pain I feel is real I speak true facts
Only if I could have brought yo life back!!
Miss u every day my baby JJ
Satandra Asberry Jul 2015
Today u would have been 3 days past one,
Sleepless nights my baby I wish I could run.
Run from the world that I feel I have nothing left to gain,
I cry every time it starts to rain.
So much pain!!!
Sometimes I wonder if I where to give my life would he bring u back,
But I know he won't that's a proven fact.
But y not these days taking a life for some is just a game,
People become real big celeberties
Filled with fortune and fame.
So much pain!!!
They say I must hold on and be strong,
I should feel blessed for the 6 others
That are not yet gone.
Coming from who an outsider looking in trying to bring light to the situation,
Just leave me alone u will never understand my frustration.
So much pain!!!
They aren't me and they had no part in having you,
Stop acting as if u can ever feel the way I do.
I swear I'm about to just nut up and go crazy,
Don't judge me I'm in so much pain u try loosing a baby!!!
So much pain!!!
We miss u Baby Joshua,
Satandra Asberry Jun 2015
APRIL 19 2015 WE JUST KNEW WE WERE ALL GOING CRAZY,
THATS THE DAY  A DISEASE CALLED S.I.D.S DECIDED TO TAKE OUR BABY.
THE PAIN  AND THE GUILT WE WISH WE NEVER SLEPT,
BUT OUR SORROW FOR THE PART OF US WE WISH WE COULD'VE KEPT.
FOR ME AS JOSHUA JR. MOTHER HOW CAN I SLEEP WHILE MY BABY IS DYING,
FOR HIS FATHER HE WAS HIS JR. HIS PAIN IN HIS HEART IS UNBEARABLE HE CANT STOP CRYING.
FOR HIS SIX OTHER BROTHERS AND SISTERS DOUBTING THEMSELVES  FOR PAIN WITHIN,
FOR HIS FETERNAL BROTHER JOSHAE CRIES AT NIGHT OUTLOUD IN SEARCH FOR HIS TWIN.
GRANNYMA TEARS UP WHILE WATCHING THIER FAVORITE SHOW,
AND THE PAIN AUNTY FEELS HAS BECOME A STRUGGLE THAT NO ONE WILL EVER KNOW.
THEY SAY WE MUST ALL GO ON THE PAIN IS SOMETHING WE MUST ACCEPT,
WE ALL FEEL THE SAME WAY WE LOST THE PART OF US WE WISH WE COULD'VE KEPT !!!!
IN LOVING MEMORY OF JOSHUA LEON-ROYCE PHILLIPS JR.
JOSHUA SR.,SANTANDRA,TORRIA,VICTORIA,BRYSON,BRYONNA,
BRESHAWNA,BRYSHAWN,JOSHOLYN,JOSHA'E PHILLIPS.
Satandra Asberry Apr 2018
I lost my house cars and kids as fast as I can say I do,
Now live my life with no care in the world to what it is that I do.
Even with the chances that I had to get them all back just obstacles for me to overcome,
It's a lot easier said because otherwise it would be done.
I have my family to thank for being there otherwise I wouldn't know where they would be,
I have my family feeling hurt because they believed in what I stood for as far as I can see.
It's like my life has come to a standpoint my motherhood has been stripped right out of my hands,It's like the only way to get them back it's by following orders or specific demands.
But who said the parenting comes with a handbook  filled of instructions on what's right and what's wrong,
I'm still at the point where they call me an unfit parent and due to that my kids are all gone.
Everyday that goes by I hear my children's voice and have to tell myself that they're not here,
It's like I messed up and can't do right so my days turn to months and now my months have turned to years.
Now my children have to live a certain life they didn't have a chance and it's just what it is,
All because of my selfish act and my wrong choices they all suffer for what I did.
What is wrong with me I wish I knew every day I wake up with all this weight on my heart,
Not only for my children but for my family who loves me enough to love them who's willing to fix something I tore apart.
Just the thought to try to get  back what I lost for me the results are still the same,
I lost them and now they're gone and I am the only one who is to blame.
My life is filled with pain and anger for I am  my worst enemy for what I put them through,
What kind of person am I when I look in the mirror I can't even recognize who I am  I say to myself this isn't u.
When you can tell you're not the mother the sister , Auntie or woman you used to be,
But you see a lifeless soul me fighting a demon that lies Within me.
What's wrong with me I lost my children to my health not an addiction and that's real fact,
What's wrong with me I lost my life and possibly I will never get it back.
To My Family Especially My Big Bro Thanks!!
Satandra Asberry Jul 2017
Wake up daily in pain in my heart my head my life.
What did i do to deserve so much heartache and strife.
I am not who u see and the person that u think u knew.
I am not that mother aunty daughter sister they say its true.
Oh know one really knows what i truly would give.
If it didnt hurt so much for me to just live.
Looking at the reflection of me in the mirror u are to blame.
Now look at everyones smile at your failures life is no game.
U try ur hardest to not make excuses and do whats asked.
U talk a good one but u cant stay focused enough to stay on task.
Oh if u only knew what i truly would give.
If It didnt hurt so much for me to just live.
Accepted the pain
Satandra Asberry Jun 2015
My heart is in so much pain,
The way i am i just don't know who to blame.
But what about me and the way I feeling,
And what about the hurt and the way inside how much I'm killing.
Some days I hate me for what I am and what I do
Sometimes I hate me for all and every part of me that came from u
Sometimes I doubt my life how I would be without u
But y I can't understand who I am and how my purpose of life is meaningless
Sometimes I'm ever so confused on luv and pain I feel lifelessness
Y am I who I am today
Y does pain represent luv in so many ways
What now what am I to truly do
Because deep within me I hate me because  I'm apart of you!

— The End —