There were times where thoughts didn’t exist

people didn’t confuse me

and everything was alright in the world.

There were times when I didn’t worry

and stress didn’t control my digestive system

and I didn’t need to medicate.

There were times I did not trust to be alone by myself,

for fear of my own destruction caused by myself

I didn’t understand the strength of the situation.

There were people I trusted who now are no longer

they don’t carry the same heartfelt endearment that was gifted

they don’t have a care in the world.

There were times where I neer thought about looking

scrolling through messages to find a false

a death occured.

There were times when I was somewhat whole,

somewhat capable,

somewhat caring of my own rights and my own dreams.

There were times where I put the right things first,

There were times where I said the things that were meant to be said

There were times where I saw myself in a succesful way of life

There were times where I did not want to just run away

There were times where I knew myself better

There were times where I was allowed to feel

There were times where I saw the people around me care

There were times where people actually meant something to me

There were times where I knew things had worth

There were times where I believed

There were times where I sought love

There were times where I sought truth

There were times where I sought life

There were times where I felt I wasn’t a caged animal

And now I’m in hell, prison, being objectified and slaughtered by those who are of lesser caricatures than life

There were times where I knew the face of the devil

There were times where I would banish this evil

But for some reason I think I’m stuck

I think I’m here for the realness promised

There were secrets kept,

Lies told,

And trust lost!

...Mary wove clothes,
Created locations for her grandkids to wreak mischief,
She was poor in hindsight,
But the richest woman in the world,
...Mary didn't know,
She sprouted vines and trees over the years,
Her grandkids grew up alone in terror,
Mary saw the things that others shouldn't have to,
She saw her life flash right before her eyes,
The kids were silent outside in the back,
She mistakes nothing,
...Mary, you should have known,
By the end of the fall season,
Mary wove clothes,
Cotton clothes for her grandkids,
They couldn't handle the beautiful Earth snow,
...Mary didn't know.

"She has stars in her pocket and the moon on a string,"
She has highways meeting for her,
And love shes bound to gain,
History falls under her pen,
Wars started from her left and right brain,
She has the whole world in her might,
But oh so powerful,
I wonder if she's willing to fight,
If a man came to her with the sun at his will,
Can she strive uphill,
So controlling of the oceans,
Tidal waves just because she yawns,
She cries of loneliness,
And Hurricanes sent from Africa To China,
Defenseless against hope,
But smart as hell with reality,
Paparazzi at her feet,
But she's really just a mystery.

I’m not even happy,

I’m not even sure why I’m with him,

I can say because he loves me,

But it’s not true,

I can say it’s because he didn’t mean to do what he did,

But I’d be lying.

I invested myself and lost an investment and still trying to hang on,

**** Wall Street,

You ****!

I’m here, at night, I’m here.

I’m gone by morning, but at night I’m here,

Me flies away, me don’t want to think,

me wants to hurt him like he hurt me without giving him power in the end,

I can still do it.

Marriage has come up,

I even propose,

I’m dragging in family to do the unfathomable,

If he loves me he would leave this place and come with me,

If he loves me he would see that I am actually an incredible soul,

If he knew that I would give all to be happy, he would know that he

doesn’t need the negative.

He would know that I don’t like to hurt,

That I’m human inside and I cry,

I ******* cry.

Something dark crawls within me,

I loosen my hold on to sanity and relent,

Something cloaked in ravagery is of age,

….I’m so ******* tired.

He cheated. Took a chance with my life. Yelled and blamed me.

In the morning, I was so ******* strong that I’m deluded and I think I actually love this extremely imperfect man. This horrible, despicable, *******! I loved you hard, I held on when no one was in your corner, you screamed help and I ran! I’m deeply in love with someone I’ve never gotten to physically meet and I don’t think I’ll ever love this man the same way. Ever! Why am I still here and not traveling towards this person who means so much more to me. What is it 5-6 months compared to 6-7 years. Wow.I’m blind! Hurt, dumb, and stupid.

How does one stand by and watch the other make unlawful acts
why do I sit and believe that I am deserving of stupidity
I can't raise my future
the love is being squashed before the bloom
is there a care to give or do I just watch again
I want to yell **** yous and I don't cares but that's going to aid no one

I've written lies before
worn them on my face without a care to give
disappeared from public's eye as I still am
through others' eyes I do not wish to be seen
I have conjured up a testament of tests I'm going through
the future will indeed enlighten what's going to become of me
but now I'm at this stage of curious intentions
at a stage of mislead decisions
moving too fast mistakes
I'm healing myself by breaking my arm to take the pain
away from my heart