It's 5AM
and I feel
nothing
at all
again.
my
thoughts
lost in
shadows
of what
could have
been.
Dreams,
like whispers,
all just
fade away,
I see
no colors
only shades
of gray.
Oh how
I long
to hear
her voice
soft
inside
my head
but am
deafened by
unwanted
silence
instead.
I struggle
against
my heart
hoping inside
I'll find
a little
fight,
a glimmer of
possibility
A chance
that things
will
someday be
alright.
So in the
silence
within this
vacant hour,
I find some
solace
in knowing
I still
have power.

I'm on the edge
so ready to fall forward
dump my body into the ocean
drowning yet not fighting
the currents motion.

Day to day life is chaotic
so many people who
push and pull me,
lie to me and fool me

I want to release it all
and jump off this carousel
living this way, as I do,
is hard as hell.

Inside I am broken
full of pain from youth
I feel I'm at a crossroad
where there's no left or right,
no honesty or truth.

The doctor says I am
just depressed is all
"Take two Zoloft and
if needed, in the morning,
give me a call."

I doubt a pill will cure me
when I no longer care to
reside in my own skin
I want to get away from
this dopamine hungry beast within

There's no more thrills
to be found
since she left me all alone
I'm a stranger in my own body
nothing feels like home.

People like me die all the time
what does it matter if I jump
or suffer to a ripe old age
the story is always the same
from page to page.

I wrote her
Happy words
Loving words
Jump on this
carousel
with me
No reply

Another try
I wrote her
Invitations
Affirmations
Please love me
No reply


She broke me
One more day
I wrote her
Still trying
to give her
the world
No reply

I'm crushed
My heart
lies in ruin
I wrote her
Again
Ink pleading
No reply

My inks run dry
My heart is full
yet broken in pieces
She doesn't see me
I wrote her
One final time
No reply

You loved me
You touched me
You inspired me
You hurt me
I bled ink for you
Drops on paper
Pain personified
Even so
I invited you in
My muse
And I would do it again

I always seem
to be on the edge
sharp blade,
shard of glass,
cliff's ledge.

There's no place
to grab on
no path or foothold
should I choose
to make any move,
to be so bold.

Edges
are an odd thing
one can
plummet wildly
or spread
your wings.

I close my eyes
and feel the choice
am I in danger?
am I overjoyed?
Hanging haphazardly?
Or delicately poised.

The amount of balance
is mine to determine
am I teetering on disaster?
or leaning forward to fly?
One things for certain
I won't know unless I try.

I am fragile
falling
and breaking
over and over
I reach out to
lovers
who have left
for another.
I feel
I'm drowning
emerged in
lost hopes
confused and
reciting old
and forgotten
tropes.
My trauma
is real
fostering
multiple
heartbreaks
often I feel
there's
not much more
I can take.
Inside I feel
pushed and pulled
she left me
in the night
once again a fool.
I wonder
if I'll ever
be what
someone needs
their true love
the only one
they want to
please.

We're different her and I.
I try to understand her
but cannot, no matter how
hard I try.

She is so beautiful
with long raven hair
she also is a perfectionist
which I suppose is neither
here nor there.

In school she was always
class president
the smartest kid &
to her parents truly
god sent.

She has a temper though
and she always thinks
she's right and wise
you will rarely see her
admit fault or apologize

I am a poet, and I'd say
she is a warrior
She's bold and cunning
she could easily have been
a lawyer.

She has a soft side
don't get me wrong
she has 2 children she adores
and she's raised them to
be strong

I love her but we probably
won't make it to the end
she doesn't understand
when I'm emotional
but still tries to be
my friend.

I'll miss her when she is gone
which inevitably she will
someday flee but I'll remember
her as steadfast, strong
and courageous as one could
ever be.