Most of the time
when i´m alone
or I space out
i have that heavy
feeling
where its a mix of
being disconnected to people
around me and
myself
I don´t feel like
¨myself¨
I haven´t felt like
I was me
since 10th grade
I feel washed out
and everything I do
day to day
is just me
going through the motions
Sometimes I feel like this
and its hard to
get over it
I´m not sure if there´s
such thing as
getting over it
Sometimes its hard for me
to even remember what makes me happy
No amount of painting or music can
motivate me
It usually does
So now all i can do
is sleep
Only then it feels like
I can shut out
that heavy feeling
I wrote this thinking it would help
they say it helps
but it didn´t

Autumn colored day dreams
crash into me
Drink me slowly
like warm wine
wash me softly
your hands like the
cottony waves in the sky
kiss my skin
and leave behind
a starry night
Like smooth oils
paint me an imperfect
masterpiece

i wish that
one day
my words
will lay
crisply between
your index finger
and thumb
on pristine white
feather like
pages

Funny how you cut me off
now you say you're
lonesome
Got no one to call up
and smoke some
Complaining you ain't loved
when you had one
Pushing me away
like I was the bad one
Playing these games
Honey it's all good

Im just a little
too high tonight
to write
Wish my mind would just
settle down or take flight

First you told the truth
told me straight girls just werent for you
so
I took his hand
gave him a sweet kiss
and we rolled in the sand
Said life never felt this great and the happiness began
daydreams  of us kissing
wedding bands and life plans of us out of the country
My mind on men
couldn't wait to escape but
there was a fault in our fate
a girl who wanted a taste of your luck
Mom thought she was great
and you start to eliminate your love for your man
said god hates gays
cant look at you with starry eyes anyways
people start to notice
A flick of an eye and tap on the shoulder
"Dont do that infront of my children"
they'll be confused as time rolls over
So i believed it
didnt know life would be this different
didn't know id forget that i was into different love interests

So then you started to lie
second time comes round
cherry boy you kissed just had to fly
out of town
said his parents abusive
doesnt raise no boys whos heart flutters for other men, excuses

It hurt
more then just a little
empty beer bottles start to pile the table
cell disabled
lies and cheating start to enable
the dishonesty he had for his lover
man made love for another
no amount of liquor could make them lie next to eachother

She heard it
him whispering soft words
of a males name
the screenshots of emails he sent
were not tame
"I love you" Spilled over the page
and she knew this wasnt a game
So she left that very next day

Feels like my life is draining away like water
sooner or later
the years fading away
farther
A spitting image?
Of mommy and daddys baby
wasting away greatly
the older, the more she crumbles
Her story nothing but a mumble
a flickr of light crosses the table
nothing like her love
had seemed so stable
a story
made for her
a fairy tale built to perfection
confection sugar coated sonets
seem to tangle
on her lips, a kiss like this
more dangerous than bliss
i wish a girl like her wasnt as complicated as this life wasting away
faded words on a page
as the years pass by and the tears do dry
Will she remember?
the aches the pains
the memory of fame

Funny how some people
steppin on my laces
skippin spaces
underrated conversations
weak excuses
scribbles on the walls these days
left behind from ghost trippin
on the brownies
left out from the party
down the block
sorry
didn't mean to over do it
too much THC over used it
seeing doubles and triples
riples in the vortex loopin
my colors echo in the hallways
cant help but think bout
next time i get paid
get laid by a girl from third floor
story
with green hair and a name like
Corey
Sorry that my issues
seem so boring
tv screen blasting
and they're snoring

I want to look at you and know
you won't run on me

I want to be me as a whole
and splash in your wholesome too
To know that we are so full
we could make waterfalls

I want you to be there and tell me when my thunderstorms are just trickling rain on my window

I want to know that you can handle me and I can handle you
That you don't just put up with my rain
but learn to find beauty in it
To see my pain
and understand
And to know you hurt too

He reminds me
of warm
summer rain
that beats down
on rusted
paint can
lids
That endless
drumming that
swells my lungs
with honey melon
sweet nectar
He reminds me
of warm
clay
that melts
like butter
in saccharine
batches
of short lived
molded memories
now blossoming
like fresh tulips
in dark
earthy mounds
He is my
rain man
Like a strong storm
that dies down
just to kiss
the lakes that
bleed into
minty puddles
Fierce
and undying
he survived
all the
ash filled
chocolate boxes
and
empty
phone calls
from home
He is the
rain man

Is as deep as anger
that burns beneath the cuts
on your lips
its a shiver of betrayal
and uncertainty
Red
Is the scream you let
burst out in a gust of wind
and ruins cities
destroys every little
quaint home that overlfowed
with purples and pinks
Red
Is the color that
beats beneath your ribs
and tingles your fingertips
Red
Is the color
that i never want to see
leave your skin
or flood the rivers in which
we swim
Red
is love
hate
and betrayal
Red
Is what fades into
the sea of orange
Yellows and greens
Red
Is what lightly kisses
the sky at dawn
It’s what makes others
love passionately
It’s what ends the life of some
Brings light to others
Red
Is what makes a night
of drinking and messy kisses
a blur of excitement
and dread
Red
Is what i fear

I´ve dreamed once
of smokey chamomile
rooms
wine soaked
sheets
and bottled bleach
Yellow, oily ceilings
that droop down
while I sleep
The walls
crumble
while my
eyes turn
murky gray
all I see are
shades and
shapes
rough and rugged
textured pieces of
mud
drenched debree
everything turns to
ash
and I couldn´t breathe
Black demon like
clouds of charcoal
monsters
gnawing at my
lungs
drowning me

I sometimes
don't wanna
exist
because why bother
waking up
in screaming
darkness
that makes me afraid
of heading to school
to feel all of the penetrating
sounds fall silent
Crusted sidewalks
with broken bottles
and ripped up
letters of empty
promises from family
members who never
show up
Empty stomachs
stained clothes
and a school system
who cares a little less
each day
But then there's
that one who makes the
day go from
dragging to
floating on cottony
childlike dreams
Whether it be
a parent
Or that sweetie
that turns your
cheeks red
I look forward to
that person
everyday
Once my eyes
flutter open
and the sun
spills its honey
milk rays
I think of
my sunflower
warm sweet
and undying
in my eyes

She stood on the edge of
the cliff,
admiring the flourescent
lights of doddling parties,
held for glutinous beings
who craved attention.
Powedered up in canceruous pink
and frilled garments.
They danced along with a
buzz that foreshadowed
a crash of glass and metal.
Bright green hair,
held back tight with soft blue
bows
She hopped down rock by rock
Letting her seaweed like locks
Swim through the wind
The music becomes louder and
faster
People drink until their stomachs
fill with sparkling poison

At the blooming age of 18    
I knew what i wanted
Face up to wrinkled canopy and
smoky waves crashing down on me
I inhaled smooth
Blueberry clouds
releasing thick waves
Softly through
My lips

I thought about her that day
I closed my eyes
picturing
aquamarine eyes
that could drown
city after city
Consuming everything in its path
however cool
and calm
Like a  river

Laying there with the hot sun
on my face
I recollected that day
slow and sweet
kisses that left sparks
that caught fire
burning everything around us
until it all melted into a
brilliant river of light

Her velvet touch
Honey milk kisses
and a voice that dripped
like wet paint

She reminds me of blue
like a bright
sky
One that made you close
your eyes to feel
the sun bath you
with sweat trickling down
the soft edges of
your jawline

She reminds me
of sunflower fields
that swayed lightly
in the cool afternoon of summer
A hint of dew
That seemed to melt
off their petals

She was beautiful
her mind, body and soul

She saw the world
as it was
Like delicately blown glass
filled with dandelion fuzz
and saw dust

She was art so greatly defined
made by satiny
clay
and as years
flew by
she became more defined
with age

and her soul
was a jewel
undescribable

Lately the clouds
have been changing
their colors to
deathly grays

The air thicker than
swamp water
dripping down our
tar lined lungs

Our brains as brittle
as autumn leaves
crunching under your
zombified feet

My world has yet
to see light
Its skies no longer
full of gay colors

A funeral painted in my
eyelids
I mourn for the now
deceased beauty

All they wanna hear about
Is your struggle
Rather your happiness
And compare theirs to yours

Honey dipped
you kissed me softly
smothered in honey suckle sweet
My favorite kind of tea
Broken in two
you're my glue
hold me right
and never let go❤

You make my head spin
fluidly
like dancing tequila
A splash of
sea foam green
and minty tea
I could swim in your words
and never drown
because you always kept us afloat
Your ship was unsinkable
and it was stronger
than any other
Your mind has traveled farther than most
The experience you collected throughout the years
you were an epic tale in my eyes
A woven book
of summer kissed skin
It was something more than infatuation
and I craved to taste it

I wanna talk about experiences ive had
but im too young to understand
too young to have a plan
far too small to tell you stories
the aches, the pains, the glories
Ive had people make me crumble to my knees
release the pain and overdose
i was nothing there to see
Ive had someone tell me
Its all in my head
triple threat
brain dead
Sometimes i just wanna sleep
nothing to eat
nothing to be
unconscious in ya bed
Opposite of a day dream
Now I have someone who makes my knees weak
A shiver and tease
lips on mine
i was left starving
for you on me
The laughs, small talks and stories
I wanted nothing more
than our love to burst
like sunny mornings
Sometimes i just wanna fall asleep
with you right next to me
nothing drab or mean
nothing but the sound of us
breathing

There was once
a being
with swelling bones
and a glass blown
heart
Eyes that turned
into liquid
pools of sunlight
and gleaming caves
of glowing
silk beauties
Every bone in their body
Seemed to deteriorate
like the rotted wood
that held together
the stability
of their mental state
Where lines were drawn
messily onto
hard wood walls
And as they grew
so did the lines
Dinners were made
and beds too
There were times where they
cried
every night
because of the
inevitability
No more
waking up to a warm bed
and soft sweet kisses
from the distant
sun
No more
streaky paintings
painful runs
and random mishaps
at the small market
that sold their favorite
salty snacks
Until one day
they met that person
that made everything
a little more
bearable
That electric pulse
that swam through their veins
when they simply
nudged knuckles
and battered sneakers
That one they thought of
right when their brain
flickered on
and all they could think of
was how the other
played with their hair
and bit their lip
as they read
That need for answers
of why bad things happened
vanished because
how would you enjoy
something so
pure like them
if everything else seemed
to shine just as bright
as them

There will be times
you will wake up
and realize that
sadness is
inevitable
That one person
you thought
could no longer hurt
your midday dreams
now aches
and swells
like an oil
burn from
early morning
soggy cakes
and black toast
That sadness
so deep
it feels like a
cold
empty well
that dreams to
hear the melodious
echos
of a young girl
And at times
tears will fall
watering the
withering lilies
of sleepless
nights
You'll fall madly
in love
It will consume
your soul
and leave butterfly
kisses on your
mended heart
No matter how well
you are doing
You will feel
that old pain
that sings softly
in the distance
And that's okay
because those bitter
sweet
droplets of
cloudy memories
made you
who you are
today

slirpin steady spirits out of chopsticks
colored liver on your popstick
curly lyrics are your top picks
a steady serum that works to make your
heart kick
a heavy leader who knows how to make your day hit
sweaty and steering
your words uneven
slurring secrets dressed like sequence
a confetti sentence not meant to keep you dreaming

Those sheets
of insecurity
and shame
slipped off me
while you lay
starry eyed
at my naked chest
and as your hands
slip under the
covers
i later find
that there were
other art pieces
you gazed at
when i wasn't around

And thats when i realized
I was losing myself
That part of me
that edulged in sunlight rays
Late night reads and
lazy days
I kissed out of passion
never boredom
and prefer heartbreak
over loneliness
Life had a meaning
written in leather binded
journals and sparkly red ink
It was soft to the touch
and smelled of lemony
citrus
It did not make a sound
Yet it had a voice so beautiful
it made your mind
crash like tidal waves
against your skull
My mind now is nothing
but decay
what it once was seemed
to never exist
not a sign left behind
no emptiness
as if it had never been filled
The nothingness now something
and it was numbing to feel
That want to feel
literally anything
was now a desire to feel nothing
like an empty tv screen
buzzing alone 4:35 at night

I want nothing
more
than my unhappiness
to dissolve
like sugar

I fear the
unknown
but it lures
me in
like an
Ill-mannered
feline
unwilling to
be tamed

I wish to inspire
the world
the way a mother
inspires her
child

I like the way
some words
crunch
between my teeth
and slide off
my tongue
like butter

that creamy
frothy bite
which tingles your
your lips

A language
so beautiful
leaves me starving
for more

Almost as if it
were an unquenchable
thirst for sticky
lines
that swells your
heart strings
when those words
are spoken

Poetry is a banquet
for hungry souls

everyday it feels
as if i hunt
for more
to digest

plunging in whole
heartidly
In a wordy abyss

That gut wrenching
throat tightening
excitement
that i can’t seem
To grasp onto

That is what i crave for

I hunger for words
I cant seem to compile
in my endlessly spiraling
brain