Today I saw you
Tonight I forgot

I am just me in an empty sea
Of absolutely insane women
Trying to make sense of myself
I feel so different from everybody
I spent my life thinking you were talking about me
Why did I feel this way?
I was a distant, distant, distant thought..
Sick sick *****

All I can trust is my gut
Y'all tell lies
One after another
You're just puking on each other
What's the point of family ties

Sometimes I think I could get up and leave
Stand on my own two feet, just me wandering
A vision so clear, deserted wasteland
Outside a building where many strangers stay
But that's only me with a dark heavy heart
Not the woman standing before you today

I've been instilled a sense of family
Come back home before I kick your *** mentality
And sometimes I think about going back there too
Sometimes I think that a forced smile and conversation
Is better than none at all.
I can feel the couch beneath me and the tv screen screaming at me
And I can feel the shiver on my skin, breathing my cold old empty room
I don't live there anymore
These days my smiles are few and far between
But they are genuine as heaven

Place my hand over your stomach
Your entire torso really
Just craving some physical contact

I walked along the beach in the middle of the night
My psychosis claimed me
And I became a slave to the sand behind my feet
The current running underneath
You snored along, absently
Alcohol ate you alive
And I survived

I survived

I just want to cover each grain of sand
With a tear drop
A broken heart for all the millions that scatter the earth
I don't want to sob
I want to release
A demon that's been eating at the inside of me
And then I want to laugh
I want to run
I want to fall out of breath and collapse to the ground
I want to dig and find something so remarkable
I combust at the sight
A million pieces
Becoming the sand
Cursed

I want to be nothing like my mother
And if that offends any of my followers
I am sorry
Maybe after the 4th kid
And nearly 20 years between
You stop giving a ****
But all I know
Is I have seen
The tenderness,
The sincerity,
And most delusional moments
All radiate
From the same bright blue green eyes
Frightening, spraying spit all over my face
And sadness seeped in and devoured me
I spill tears (years) as I'm writing
I was left all over
So much hate

Sometimes when I write I try to be dishonest but
What's the point when you can hear me in the next room
I wish I was someone you were proud of
I know I'm just a recluse, but
I'll raise my baby different from you


Most times when I want to hide
It's when you're showing me the most poignant parts of me
I can hear your grandson snoring

I love his sense of sleep

Icy snow melted hot
Down the driveway
I stubbed my toe and
Bled all over your sheets
I'm fumbling through letters
Trying to find the right -
I wish I didn't see that
Wish I hadn't felt the sun
Icy snow melted running
Straight into the hand that fed me



I often think
that we
could be
the only ones

everywhere i went
there were giant holes
in my heart i know
it was not better then

you sleep so peacefully
sometimes you cry out
i reach and pull you close to me
we breathe each other in

i once felt so unsure of everything
it was hard to let life keep happening

but i don't cry anymore

I've never looked at you the way you look at me
Like I shouldn't have ever left my room
Should I stay home so that you don't see me and get angry?

Are you bothered because you don't understand how I could be happy?
Are you bothered because society says I'm supposed to be miserable in this situation, but I'm not?
Are you bothered because I'm breaking the rules,
I'm not following the path, I've thought outside the box?
Are you bothered because I can accept what life throws at me?
Are you bothered because you'll never feel as content as I do,
Even with the hardships I face?
Are you bothered that I'm not worried?
Do you just not know how to feel unafraid?

why am I judged so harshly

My heart is breaking for the rest of humanity
Why do I come home and cry
When I've never felt so beautiful?
I guess I just don't understand
How making other people feel small
Could make you feel big

i swear

flames once engulfed everything
and bombs blew away half the buildings
but somehow
we survived
look
despite all of it
small children
they play
birds
they soar and sing

this is a new beginning

just because I love you
well it don't mean I won't leave you

aw ****, what's life without love?

Hopefully you'll see me
someday
shortly

I know you can see the red light in the stars
Are you breathing finally?
with Faith, you'll see
all I can do is keep you in love with me
Relax with me, you'll see

I am the downpour that makes your petals bloom
I will fight till the fall for you



from the patient soil we will see
the king blossom with his seed

I wear these untruthful accessories
So you don't get sick of me
..or worse..
angry..
When you ought to be proud.
From the honest, patient seed
You will see
a blooming King
Finally breathing with faith

Stars that shine red make me scared to get out of bed
Fearful of all the wrong things I will do
But so are you
Scared of truth.

All I can do

is

try to keep you
in love with me.

it is hard to write poetry
when one is in love
everything is a bouquet of roses, breakfast in bed
fairytale happy endings
not a life to illustrate with words
they've said it all before

do you want to read of my pleasantries?
there is nothing new
all of it is something you already know
good buddies, margaritas, familiarity

get out while you can!
why, I can't find a life worse than a rat in a cage!
and though bars are of steel
the beds are of cotton
we sleep like angels in heaven

I've found some sort of peace in
breathing easy

so what happens now?
you find the one that can always make you smile

and what crawls
out of the bottom
of the well
won't help you flourish

bright pink and yellow
fall finally into life
days go, they die
flowers bloom then they die.

There is no fixing these people
Nor escaping this place
Despite what the bottle says
That drink won't help you shrink
So grow bigger than them, on your own
Bigger than judgement,
Than their attempts to make you hurt
All it took was a look for support to send them running
Behind them a trail,
Blazing true colors

My family grows smaller
And I get stronger
But somehow I've always known
I had a good teacher

You know, it's not bad
I thought I would be messed up mentally
but instead I'm succeeding - they call it reality
I can't lie and say I don't long for
the outdated admiration, insincere adulation
from your clientele  - embarrassed millionaires
Wasting what's left of their fortunes
to stash and squeeze
While I was caring what you would think,
they crafted a creation out of me

I like to
think about
the curve of my words
compared to the small of your back;
the dot over i
to the ones on your skin
the lines crossing t's
like those that run beneath your vision
Were
you any letter,
you would take the form
of a hook and a swoop in another direction;
a question never ending
That's
always
asking
"Why?"

I drink ***** as I write poetry
Focus on my handwriting to keep myself from
Wondering what you're doing
or what you'd think of me
Sipping my way out of my head,
Jack Daniels for breakfast
freedom from the distillery

Now don't you get too cocky, handsome
But there's a red sun behind your smile
Which you grind in your sleep while I
Dream silly dreams of you and me
For a change breathing easily

I said don't you get too cocky
But there's nothing I think of so fondly
As I write, its true
Blazing sun, yes beautiful
No planet can hold a flame to you

It is rare that I find within someone
A glimmer of myself
and that is what frightens me
I know how eagerly I leave

"leave me alone-"
she says,
as he's reaching
for her shoulder.
little does he know
really anything
about her



outside the rain turns into snow.
cars crash into one another
and family members burn together.
if only a few extra flakes had fallen,
the flames would have extinguished

i am childish in that way

now we are learning*



                       this wave will crash
                         so ******* you
                  swim faster to the shore
sand in your grasp and already you're drowning

Most days I feel
i've been opened
and emptied
with a pudding spoon
little by little

I will not stand
To be any less than
A necessity.
You need me to live.
Go on,
Say it.

Fast forward to
Frozen leaves in the pond -
Cold takes the life from you
and the small fish -
I should be down there with you,
Like we promised

Did you hear, we're breaking news!
and can you hear the children on the loose?
They are skating their blades
Over where you lay-
I often imagine you
Weighted down by your own panic and regret
Little to do with the stones I've tied you to
Reaching your empty hands towards me
Gasping, pleading, needing

This world turns me and the air
Into thin ice - striking and stinging
Like a smack in the face
I'll always be able to find you
Underneath, at least

Oh, my lover at the bottom of the water
Frozen face in the contortion of "Therese!"
I didn't think I was capable, physically
But what strength love has left me!
They can't see what I've done,
and you're not missing anything
Don't worry.