So maybe I am not completely asexual
Maybe I can slowly repair my past,
And learn to open my heart... One day

I am a bisexual, crazy teenage girl
I dream about horses and bears,
I like long hot baths, but cold showers
I am wild about snow and cold
I'll do any dare anyone ever asks
(I've never turned down a dare)
I have seen crazy **** from my parents
I have heard crazy **** from them too
I love morning cartoons,
And I love breakfast for dinner
I like running my *** off
(Or whatever much of an *** I have)
I'll do anything to prove I'm as good as a boy
I consider myself daring as ****
I'm a terrible writer, with a dream
I just want to be kissed,
(Even though I'm just warming up to it)
I have emotional connections to horses
I have cut myself on my wrists, thighs, and stomach
I think I am extremely unattractive
I miss my long hair
I'll do anything to make someone smile

I lay expressionless
Sick and mechanic

Thunderstorms are an obsession
But, I'm afraid of lightning
I eat too much, but I'm thin?
Grizzly bears are beautiful
Orcas are even better
Drawing is a way to express myself
I'm constantly wishing I could sing
Still crushing on a teacher
I'm having problems seeing my future
What's so wrong with **** dad?
Bob Marley is a role model
New bible, new look on things
Give me all the puppies
Consider myself a hippie,
But not the stereotype
Men and women are both nice
Never had a relationship
I am partly asexual
Competitiveness is a weakness
Loving life, most of the time

What does it mean to be me (a summary)
Dancing in the halls to a song in my head
Searching for the newest Gorillaz song (because I'm weird)
Searching the internet for hakuna matata sweatshirts
Wanting to read the bible more, but being 'too busy'
Thinking your dog is a human best friend
Thinking of your snowy happy place
Eating the entire fridge,
then complaining about not being healthy
Doing crunches for abs
Drawing lonely girls
Looking up new muscle tees
Every time you put in ear buds,
Pretending your in a music video
Buying an Elton John album
Constantly appreciating clouds
Buying a protest sea world shirt
Adding to my around the world bucket list
Humming a Disney song
Making ****** innuendos
Planning the India Mission Trip
Not giving a crap about my hair
Feeling an emotion we don't have words for
Thinking about how other people think
Day dreaming about saving the day

I wear messy buns to school
And a silver cross neck less my best friend gave me
I enjoy strumming the same four chords on a pink ukulele  
And enjoy staying late after track just to hang out with the coaches
I am now always listening to Jimmy Buffet and putting on sun screen
And am obsessed with plants, especially my new garden
I pray the divine mercy novena prayers at night
And I spend my school days looking up future mission trips, going on ifunny and taking personality quizzes
Catch me shipping superheroes and being obsessed with Deadpool
Or reading the newest Louis T conspiracies
I spend my free time in the hot tub or on a jet ski
My favorite time of day is around 7:30- 8 AM when the sun rays turn bright yellow
My favorite season is spring because I love green a lot now
I'd say I'm fairly happy, but am prone to depressed moments throughout a day
My family is tense and awkward but I love them all
And my life is very enjoyable

We laid in bed giggling to one direction
My phone's speaker wasn't very loud
A moment of silence, awkward silence
No. Anticipation. On your end.
You wrapped your arm around my waist
I giggled, nervous.
You stared at me. You bit your lip.
I made a comment about the song
You paid no attention.
You rolled on top of me. Straddling me.
I laughed again. My heart pounded.
hahaha stop
You leaned forward, mouth open
I panicked. Hands up to my face.
Your lips met my shield.
You grabbed my wrists and held them down
I turned my face towards the side
You put your lips to my cheek and neck
And you breathed slowly
Get off of me.
I don't know how many times you kissed my cheek
I don't know how many times you kissed my neck
But I remember your grip
Hard. Determined. Sweaty.
You sat up and I gave an awkward laugh
No no no hahaha
You slid your hand between my legs
Ran your fingers up
No stop, I jolted
You rolled off. You pulled me on top of you
I went to roll off.
You held me there.
So I laid there. On top of you.
Staring at the purple wall.
Listening to a song.
But not really.

I already miss you

I hate watching old videos of myself
Not because they are embarrassing
But because I was so **** pretty

The way the sun hits you
Are you satisfied?

No I scream
My heart (a thousand lions) leaps and roars in my chest
No means no, ya get it?
But it doesn't mean no. I'm lying
I'm a liar, am I not?
God you're so good at that
Aren't you. (yes)
This blood, it means nothing
A spool of DNA knitted into
Some intricate design
Designed to what...?
Nothing. I can't come up with anything

A beautiful quilt that someone patched up
But the patches aren't from your home
The pieces of cloth were never yours
Were they? (No)

Like the way a fine dust settles over still water
The currents in the mind have ceased their rapid churn
Electrical though they were, the shock won't hurt you
But it doesn't matter

They pave quite a promising road
It's too bad you've got no guts
And by guts I mean legs

*You stopped running a long time ago

Sun keeps shining, back road flying
Singing like crazy fools
Making up our own words
Laughing 'til it hurts
Baby, if I had to choose
My best day ever
My finest hour, my wildest dream come true
Mine would be you

They called me a miracle
And I lost my mind
I am no miracle
And I never was

That feeling when your father wakes you up
Says goodbye because he's going to work
And mentions for you to try harder with your new hair
Because the other day it looked like a boy
I wish I was a boy, but no girl ever wants to her that
Let's be honest.
Im not girly, but everyone wants to feel pretty
And something about the way he said it
Made me feel so... ugly
I cried the rest if the day, because a lot had happened (days before)
And all I'll say about that is I overheard him say
"She's going to drag her sister down by not being popular"
Then something else about my friend group
People always 'say oh don't listen to your parents'
You are beautiful
But how freaking hard do you think it is
To have heard from your own father
That you. being yourself, might hurt your sisters rep
Doesn't that make it feel nice to exist.
When I was in theatre the other day,
And my friend said I was pretty.. I reacted
Because I didn't believe it
Because he caused me to take a second glance in the mirror
And think i am ugly
I used to be so secure and high esteem
But it's hard to have that when your own father
Who you've trusted your whole life say those words
Without caring whether your window of life is smudged or cracked
Or even thinking the words I've heard whispered just behind my ear
When they thought I was asleep, or in another room
I WAS THERE
And I heard what you thought..
I know how you feel...
And I try to block it out and mask it with a smile
But the truth is it is always there.
And I know what you want.
You want the satisfaction of saying your daughter is best in everything
You want the feeling of the starting point guard, straight A's, popularity, and beauty.
Everytime I force myself to pull through it's not so much I want it, but that if I dont get it you are disappointed
And the look on your face causes trembling fingers and puffy eyes for days...
The day you told me stop being a ******* Eartling just so that's would please your hunger for triumph.
To fill in the hole of what maybe you didn't get in your childhood.
All to run down and shatter your daughter
Who now has a brand new issue to face and it's not trophies or medals..
But to think now it's come down to a *reflection in a makeup smudged mirror

Way too cheesy Mac and cheese
And the hum of the Storm Peak Express

I'm missing the smell of sunscreen splattered in white blotches across my wind chapped cheeks, that will soon blend in with the snow
I'm missing the three layers of socks I yank on and stuffing my boots with shakeable hand warmers because my toes always freeze
I miss the sound of heel toe heel toe heel toe as the hard plastic boots click against grated metal stairs down to the buses
I miss the smell of hot chocolate and barbecue in the air and snow flurries tenderly kiss my face floating downwards
I miss the sound of the chair lifts thud thud thud and clicking my skis together to shake off the fresh powder that has accumulated
I miss the sound of my poles hitting each other accidentally, and the dots they make in fresh champagne powder between the glades
I miss the feeling of relief when I ski into the four points lodge by sunshine peak and grab a cafeteria trey and get my usual macaroni and cheese
I miss the feeling of watching snow flurries melt as they land inside my hot chocolate that tastes cheap and watery but so warm
I miss singing songs on the lifts, especially the quads, and deciding which runs to do next, black blue or green?
I miss saying mountain words like "elk head, jackrabbit, slopes, hockey stop, sunshine express, morningside, storm peak, thunder- head" the list goes on
I miss feeling completely at home in a helmet, huge goggles, fleece chilis and a ski jumper
I miss Steamboat, I miss skiing, I can't wait for this year.

We don't even really text
But knowing you were there
To talk if I needed,
That's what comforted me

He told me I could be a model
Out of the blue

All I ever wanted was your approval
Maybe I am sensitive, dramatic
But it's still constantly hurting me
So maybe get over you're sense of perfectness
And ******* love me and say I matter okay?

Momma please come and hold me close  
Don't leave me here, turn out the light
You're comfort is what I need most
Just lay with me and wrap me tight

Because somehow the arm you hold me with
Is an impenetrable shield that keeps me safe
For just the presence of you next to me
Scares away all the fear and hate

You are suddenly as hazy as fog
You don't smile much anymore
You don't laugh at jokes
You aren't your free loving self
You seem to be slipping away
Your face is more dark and sullen
You are serious and tense
You look at me with suspicious eyes
You are constantly on edge
And it's affecting me more than ever
You lost something special,
And I don't know if it's coming back...

It seemed like a joke last night,
Didn't it Momma?
The lies seeping from within clenched teeth
Pleading, begging, lying,
How do you deal with the pain
How do you Momma?
How do you pretend life goes on
When it stopped dead cold five days ago
You act like you're doing fine,
But your eyes lie Momma
Dark circles cling to the underneath
And red rims water hesitantly
But we laughed anyway, Momma
Because laughing away the pain
Was easier than crying about it

There are only a select
A very select few
I can let myself go with
The rest I monitor
What I say
What I do
And you would be surprised
To know around who

A musky cafe with strong coffee, graffiti posters, and lo-fi jazz

A balcony. Staring up at the snow machines on the slopes, taming the mountain as she sleeps.

A sidewalk. Brick buildings decorated with fire escapes and the steam from the subway tunnel.

Slow strums on a peaceful guitar
Golden sun rays through the widow
A sweater with tea and spring birds

I cannot express the extent of my sorrow
Knowing you will remain trapped

Sure my dad says it outright
He wishes I were different
But what hurts the most
Is my own mother, lined with
Silent disapproval in her eyes
The frown lines on her face
What a beautiful woman
With a deep, hidden disgust
For her own daughter,
That's struggling to make her see
That she is suffering deeply
From the glares and stares,
From blank, emotionless faces

Thank you Mother, I finally found a way to connect
And it's the most wonderful way to connect too
Mother, I know you are worried about me
And once again I agree, I am worried about myself
Because these people around me are slipping
Listen to our conversations, listen to how we speak
The words, unnecessary, the profanity is at a high
Would you speak that way in front of Jesus?
Open your eyes, Jesus lives within you,
Yet you curse and tell these jokes, and don't think
And I am becoming like them Mother,
It's so hard to make this decision, to cleanse
when I'll be doing it alone

I used to see fear, resentment, pain
But now I look into your eyes
And see nothing but empty defeat

Every single bit of drive
The dream that once propelled me forward
Working vigorously, trying to reach it
Thinking I could reach it
Now seems just that. A dream.
And I feel as though I've let down
Every single person I see
And the motivation is all gone,
Because what am I working for?
Please tell me, what am I working for
If he's right, then what am I doing
Shouldn't I give up
Shouldn't I stop
Shouldn't I just fill in the role
Of the dissappoinment
we all knew would happen

The mountains stand strong and mighty
The tall majestic foundations of life
They hold so much,  towering high and beautiful
However they are silent.
Then there are volcanoes
They tower like mountains,
They are mountains
But, they flaunt their power
They spew lava, and grumble loudly
Mountains have acquired the virtue of humility
One of the most important virtues Christ teaches
They are humble but you still get their point
I do my best to get my point across,
But I strive to get it across in a certain way,
Unlike volcanoes, Like a mountain.

"The truth is, that giddy butterfly in-love feeling? It goes away. And all that's left is friendship. You have to ask, is my lover my best friend, because in the end that's all that's left"

He whispers to me softly
Darling I can make it stop
Let me touch you. Let me feel you
And he wraps his empty arms
Around my body, squeezes tight
He kisses my neck
And leaves freezer burns
He presses his body into mine
For an empty man, he sure is heavy

"If you expect someone else to fight your battles, you don't deserve to win any"

I implanted into my body a parasite
scratch that
Parasites can be removed

I implanted into my body a virus
scratch that
Viruses can be treated

I developed my own mutation
A manipulation of my genetic code
A deformity that can be restrained
But not cured

I don't like food more than
I like the picture I still keep of myself
When my stomach was so wasted
It seems as if you could see my spine
From the front of me

I want to be heard, but in a certain kind of way
I want to voice my opinions without being judged
I want to scream at the sun and howl at the moon
I want to swim in a sea of people, explore them all
I want to run until my legs give out, then sleep
I want to climb until I cannot climb the mountain
Of Existence Any higher, it's heights too great
Then I want to lay softly in my Fathers arms
Only then will I be done. And love my eternity.

Never figuring out what God wants from me
My father getting too angry and beating me
My mother will never say the words 'Your'e beautiful'
My child will be nothing at all like me
If I end up with a husband, he will turn out like my dad
Not getting into veterinary school
Not surviving past 18

Includes the following:
Getting my scuba license,
Leaving to swimming with sharks
In which I'll trade in my fins for wings
And hanglide through the mountains
Then I'll cut off my wings and fall
Skydiving in the India,
And while I'm in India I might as well
Go on a mission trip and help the poor,
Speaking of helping, I'll go to Africa
And help out at one of the reserves
And experience African wildlife
And if we are talking about wildlife
I'll live in Alaska for a year,
Maybe I'll get some shots of bears
Then maybe somewhere in between all of this I'll squeeze in college

I want my hair to grow just a little past my ears
Just to where its shaggy and unkempt

My hands, your hands
******* like two ships
Drifting, weightless
Waves try to break it
I'd do anything to save it
Why is it so hard to say it?

Stripes lined your body
Blood poured out of You
Crown of Thorns
Whips of metal
Nails of steel
Pain beyond belief
I can't express my relief
You took my lashes
You took my cross
You Saved me. Savior.
Everytime I sin,
Is another lash on your back
Another slap on Your face
Another spit on your robe
You took it for me.
You loved me that much.
That. That is love without limits.

I've always been okay with blood
But something about seeing it run down my mothers face
Something about the way it dried it splotches on the kitchen floor
Something about the way it crusted into her hair and my fingers
Tried desperately to get the blood out
Something about the way it splattered the sink and mirror as I washed
Something about the way it has stained my hands and under my finger nails
Something about the stench of blood drifting around me
Makes me uneasy
And something about the blood I've seen makes me wonder how easy it is
*to lose a life

My words will never express what's inside
My eyes will never show what's in my mind
My little movements won't show what's in my heart
Darling, you couldn't guess if you tried

The feeling of gritty dirt between your toes and under your finger nails
The sound of pine needles falling on the rain guard of your tent
I walk outside and the cool crisp morning air stings my nostrils
Nothing could wake me up better than the smell of wood smoke on a cold morning

It's early, so the sun hasn't touched the earth, and the sky is still soft
It's a deep blue, but not dark enough to be night, and you can see bright corners
Stretching from the east, but the towering trees make it hard to see
I slip a packet of tea into a mug of hot water and sit next to the fire

I stare at the pair of muddy hiking boots sitting next to a tall mountain pine
Where should I go today? What places shall I find?

Life is a tumbling sea of nauseous waves right now
Waves fueled by dreams I can't even begin to decode
Unless you take into consideration my worst fears

I want to stop writing
It seems everything
I feel to write about
Is some negative aspect
When I could be
Busy actually looking
And opening my eyes
To the love around me

Not to sound risky or anything
But I'd like to scratch a few things off my list