The moon didn’t see what I did that night
And oh, how she’d cry if she did

My eyes squint
As if there is some detail
Some piece of evidence
That I’m missing

I scour photos
I comb through messages
Looking for clues
Looking for a window
A peak into the days before

A mind bent on experiencing freedom
A body for that mind
Equally bent
A mind, running in circles,
A jaw, running in circles,
Molars meeting and exchanging blows
The dust settles on that tongue
That white tongue which speaks
White lies
To that mind
That mind which I hate
That mind which I hate

Who ever thought
I’d be wishing for a flashback

I don’t want to be alive anymore

Sometimes it feels inevitable

To slip underneath the churning waves outside
In the dark you can look up and not see the surface
Not see how far down you sink, not see the way out
To be underneath it all, to be tossed by the current
To hit the sandy bottom and stare up and see nothing
In the dark, underneath the water it makes no difference if your eyes are open or closed
To be enveloped
To be embraces
To be taken in
To not breathe

Hell

Gasoline, babies, musty AC
Lilacs, earth when it rains
Smoke from a wood burning stove at night,
Memories, all of them claim
They say smell is the most powerful thing
To take you back to a place or a time
And though I have loved all of the above
I know which I want most in my mind
To fall asleep with you on my chest
Your head in the pit of my arm
Legs entangle, arms so heavy
Butterflies in my chest start to swarm
For the most potent smell,
The most wonderful smell
That takes me to a safe place
Is the smell of your breath, your cheeks your lips
The smell of your soft sleeping face
The slow rise and fall of your chest at night
Already my racing thoughts slow
With you on my side and your breath on my face
The warmth in me continues to grow

What if the most poetic thing I’ll ever write is my own suicide note?

You wake up and the earth feels like it’s spinning slower
Or maybe the earth is spinning just fine and you’re moving slower
Or maybe the earth is spinning and you’re not part of it

You wake up and the weight of your own body is enough to pull you into the earth’s core

You wake up and your chest feels smaller,
Your breath feels stale and you can’t seem to find fresh air

The distractions fade out and when they become background noise, it’s just you:
You in this bed
You in this room
You in this house on this lot
You in this town in this state
You in this mass of land split by oceans
You in this earth
It’s just you

Being alone is no fun at all
Being alive is...

The dim fluorescent lights that illuminate the section of ties and clothes for 40 year old women. They buzz and if you watch every now and then they flicker.
The people mindlessly strolling down the carpeted isles, checking the clearance section titles ‘ladies blouses’
Every time you turn the corner, your own lonely and decrepit reflection greets you via the full length mirror ******* into the columns.
The particle board ceilings, the circular tables lined with multipacks of men’s underwear, the pointlessness of a store existing solely to accompany browsing zombies
You walk in not needing anything except to fill the extra time you have on a hot day in June. Hoping for anything to keep your mind off of the crushing weight that you need something to distract you from your own fear of being alone.

I don’t belong here

You try to **** it but it won't stop bleeding
Try to forget it but it won't stop killing you
You're running out of time
Yeah, you know you can't go back, it's too late
To say it's too late
You can't take back that you said nothing
How could you do nothing?

I don’t have any prayers left

Withdrawing and flipping and
Flopping my way through the days
Nausea dizziness fatigue
Nausea dizziness fatigue
Nausea dizziness fatigue

He tells me it has a black box warning
He tells me it'll be over soon
Don't hesitate to call
Don't hesitate to call
Don't hesitate to call

Eyes that glaze over glassy and opaque
Will it be my hands or my voice
Everything shakes

You look at her and you think,
Man she's pretty
But you don't know the half of it
And I doubt you looked closely
I doubt you noticed the green and grey flecks in her blue eyes
And I doubt you noticed the way the left corner of her mouth goes down while the right side flips up when she is half way between smile and a smirk
Did you notice the tiny smile lines by her eyes when she laughs?
What about how soft her cheeks are?
And I'm sure you never got to feel how soft her lips are
Did you spot the freckle on the right ridge of her ear?
I doubt you listened closely enough to her laugh
I doubt you were lucky enough to hear
Because if you were, you'd be laughing too

All of these bits and more add up to create her
And I'm lucky enough to get to see and feel and experience those bits
Her world is one I could stay inside forever
Because I know I would never get bored
And I would always find something new
To love.

The skeletons of the things I have given up remain in the closet of my mind collecting dust
Things that once held such importance, such promise, such wonder are now discarded pieces of brighter life
Times pointless arrow destroys the new things that try to make a home here
All of the wonderful, beautiful things I have loved and built an imaginary life on are busted and broken
I doubt my fingers remember how to hold a pencil in a way that could sketch a new world to escape to
And that’s just one

My knees hit the floor as I throw myself toward you
I don’t know what I’m asking for except relief
And even that is too much because I am not worthy
Take it away please just take it away

Dreams of crashes, death, mangled limbs and twisted metal
Dreams of throwing myself into the whole mess
Because maybe if I save someone else, it'll be close to saving myself.

I’m too tired to cry. Too dizzy to move. And every little bit of my energy is being left behind on this cruise. I give myself up on dishes and dishes and they pick and they pick, and they order more and I give it to them. I give up on presentation and just slap myself onto plates and into bowls and hand them over. Take me, take me, TAKE ME. And they take their little itty bitty forks and they poke and **** and chew the tiniest pieces before handing the plate back and ordering more. Those gluttonous pigs with their pinkies up and their napkins folded into their shirts. Pretty soon they will have to settle for what’s on their plates. Or starve. There’s only so much you can fit on a porcelain dish, and only so much of me left.

she watches you fall apart on the edge of the water
she listens to your screams through the phone
she changes the music in the car to laughter
and she drives and brings you back home

How can I live with you?
How can I let you touch me.

I’m losing my humanity

Maybe the reason I’m not stressed about the future is because I think I won’t have one
Or maybe It’ll all go away
That’d be great
If it all went away
I just want it
To all go away

My heart jumped into my throat
And my stomach lurched
My lungs dissolve into dust

Cryptically typing a hurried thought
That defied every response

I look in the mirror and no one stares back
I see him in things that I do
When they see me, when they discover
I promise, I hate me too.