i've had a flu for the last week and a half i can't sleep at nights anymore because i can't breathe but i haven't taken any medicine because i want to fight it myself i want to fight this myself i am stronger than these pills and i will fight with my own body my own strength i will go down fighting i cannot rely on external substances i cannot rely on something or someone to save me i have to save myself i HAVE to save myself i have to save myself save myself save myself it's my mantra: I HAVE TO SAVE MYSELF and i'm thinking of the time my luggage was wrecked and my purple lamp was in there and that lamp was a memory because i remember you turned it on while you lay on top of me so that you could see me just a little better (i wanted it dark so that i didn't have to see myself) you wanted to see the curves on my body because you loved me and i can see you infront of me right now while i type this there in those black jeans with your broad shoulders and your mouth just a little softer than my own and just like that lamp my love was wrecked and it came back in more than two pieces the ocean just wasn't kind enough wasn't soft enough it didn't care enough to transport my love with the care it needed and tell me do you remember the time i screamed save me no wait get away from me save me love me get away from me and you touched me then moved back because you didn't know what i needed you didn't know how to save me but you knew how to love me. that was enough. it was enough. you were enough. enough. enough.
and just like the pills i refuse to take you were that drug i was too scared to need and that dependency broke me and that fear is breaking me and i love you enough for the both of us but like that purple lamp i'm just a little broken and i'm fighting to light up the room and see things just a little clearer and on my way back from school today i saw the electric boxes with warning signs and i opened the car door and walked to them and i tried pulling the 440 volt wires to touch them and fry myself; maybe i'd light up then but someone saw me and i ran and i ran to my house and my mom doesn't know that i'm suicidal but that's okay because i don't have the guts to **** myself anyway *(but i tried today).

Operate on me
Cut me open
Find what's wrong
Cut it out of me
And if I die on the table

*Well that's okay too

I'm in limbo
Push me one way or another

A small familiar tug at the mind
And I busy myself quickly
I pretend it's not there.

I've lived in the eye of
the storm, looking
west always
watching for
the clouds to
roll in like fat fingers

the ears attuned to
the sound of
thunder

nostrils flaring like some
wild animal waiting
for the cordite smell of
negative ions

tasting blood as my
jaws clench on my tongue

feeling the wind anticipating
the abrasive whip of sand
as it picks up


it's 6:30 am and for some
reason I
look east

the clouds
to my
eyes are great sponges
soaking up the color
of angular light

sleepy birds twitter

i smell the desert's
perfume as she dolls
herself up for
her ardent admirer

del Sol

my mouth
is full of
bittersweet coffee

I can feel no wind at all.



the night's as black as coal
out west...


... and yet there's still morning.


SoulSurvivor
(C) 1/9/2017

The sun hasn't shown in weeks
Warm, golden rays a distant memory
The sky, a thick soup of grey
A stale breeze stirs the empty earth
Eyes searching for a hint of color
Twisted, barren branches reaching up,
Begging for something a grey sky could never give
I stand with them yearning, grasping
But in the end, I too stand lifeless.