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Alex Apr 2021
I question what it could be sometimes,
Fathom the ideas in my head-
All strange, and unruly, and unheard of by the people around me.

I wonder if I'll form a herion addiction like my father,
Or take up coke instead.
I'm proud that I've yet to try, but my insecurities rule over all

I don't know what to expect with myself anymore.
What I'm going to try next,
Or if I'll die from lung cancer when everything I've tried before
Catches up to **** me.

Or if the medications the doctors put me on will go through
All those adverse side affects
And **** me themselves.

Or if my mind finally gets to me.
Finally kills me, ends itself.
One second there and the next gone.
It's too much to figure. I can't handle that thought.
It's been here too long,
It's an old friend.
I hate it.

My downfall is too many things,
Myself, the outside, the feelings that plague my being-
The insecurity...

It's too complicated. It's too exhausting.
I'm tired. Maybe that's my downfall...

The tiredness fueled by the unfathomable idea of it all.
Alex Mar 2021
Days lead into weeks
And the weeks lead into months
And it all eventually boils down to years

The years I no longer want
To keep passing as it all
Falls into the bits and pieces
That I so fear.

It is within these days that
Even as I find love
And begin the slow learning
Of myself and who I happen
To be, I realize

I will never actually know what truly happiness is
I have been harmed too many times
To have even a concept on love
On life
On not fearing everything

They say I’m becoming a different person
That all of a sudden everything is scaring me
But it’s not sudden

It’s not sudden like you think,
It’s just that I’m bad at hiding it right now
Because I am so tired

I am so tired these days
That I can’t function well
And in these days
I lose hope
All over again.

While I’m not going to do much of anything
About not feeling the hope,
I realize I’m tired of trying to go on.

I fear life in of itself these days
And it’s one of the worst feelings
To watch as these days
Continue to float on.
Alex Jan 2021
I can still feel it.
His hand on my throat, pressing
On my bones.
His hands on my thighs,
Tight and begging-
He keeps asking
Over and over.
He calls me his lovely boy,
His beautiful boy,
I am not his beautiful boy
He should not have been touching my body-

I wish I could have screamed-
I wish I could have screamed-
I wish I could have s c r e a m e d

Why couldn't I scream?
Alex Jan 2021
To whoever he chooses to love next,
Hold onto him tightly.
Play with his hair,
Fall in love with his dog.
Let him fall asleep on your chest,
Even if you realize the t.v. remote is out of reach and you're stuck watching reruns of old shows.

Learn to at least give a shot to his interests,
If you don't share all of them.
Magic, music, and dnd are his biggest hobbies,
I can't tell you whether or not boy scouts will continue to consume a good chunk of his life,
But if you've the chance, go watch this areas Mic-o-say tribe dance.

Love him with every bone in your body,
And hold him when he cries.
Shush him gently,
Remind him that no matter what his anxiety twists up,
He will eventually be okay.
Remind him that his loved ones are always with him.

Go and listen to him play or sing whenever you can,
Support him at as many competitions and concerts and shows as possible.
Never let his love for music fade away.

Bond with him over it,
Discuss a plan for switching off radio privileges.
Sing with him in the car,
Because even if you think you sound like trash,
Chances are he'll give you constructive criticism while reminding you that even with a mishap,
You will always sound beautiful to him. In tune or not.

Take him on adventures,
But also spend a good amount of time at home-
He's a taurus, after all.

If you go to his moms facebook page,
And even a few of the youth leaders, if you ever meet them at Westside,
You can find adorable pictures of him growing up.

Truth be told, he'll probably someday mention how he used to have braces.
It's not that important of a piece of information,
But it's something to look forward to in those younger pictures.
They made him seem extra nerdy,
In a really cute way.

Again, I remind you, love him.
Love him with absolutely everything and then some.
Love him even if he ever yells at you about not opening up if you have troubles with it,
Love him if he rushes over to you if he has the chance if you're feeling too unsteady on your own.

Let him hold you while you cry,
Teach him what calms you down while you're in the right headspace and he will always remember.
He used to tap my hand in 4/4 time so I could sync my breathing,
Just as an example.

Let him remind you that he's probably a bit more stubborn than you think,
Because even if he's going through hell,
If he truly loves you he will do anything he can to avoid hurting you,
Until the avoidance hurts you more than anything.

But I warn you,
Don't believe all of his promises.
If he says he wants to be there forever-
Unless he's graduated college and is finally settled down in his job field,
Don't fully believe it.

He means no harm by it, but when it comes to love like this he is so young and unexperienced.
If you can, guide him along.

If you, by some strange existance of happening,
Come across this,
And you think I'm just someone crazy…

I was, in his own words, his first real relationship.
And for me, he was the first boy I ever trusted fully,
Outside of my best friend, Kyle.
He was the first boy I truly ever fell deep in love with.

I have learned all of this from seven months,
Seven months of us clicking like puzzle pieces until it all fell apart,
Until I finally couldn't take the questions of whether or not he fully,
Truly, truly wanted to be with me.

To be fair- even with my lack of knowledge on why,
Knowing of his mental illness and the stress from everything he was trying to accomplish at the end of our relationship,
I can't fully blame him for shutting me out anymore.
For, chances are, just being too overwhelmed with trying to balance too much personal life,
With too much work life.

And after the breakup, and until I moved away from him,
I will admit I was.. Rude.
Distasteful.
Very, very angry.

I was angry at him.
I was angry at the world.
I was angry at the situations-
But most of all,
I was angry at me.

I will not hide that,
While I could go and apologize,
Tell him I'll possibly see him on campus if I ever get accepted into his- and my dream- college.

And truth be told I just want to look him in the eyes,
And say, for the first and last time with this meaning,
"Always."

Always…
Always will love you.
Always will support you.
Always will keep our memories together cherished.
Always will remember.

I will always remember,
My dear girl,
The happiness he gave me.

And I will always hope
That he can pass that happiness onto you.

He is a goofball.
He is loving.
He is so, so kind,
And usually very patient.

His best subject is math.
His two favourite go-to, warm weather outfits are either a polo and khaki shorts,
Or a tshirt and gym shorts.

He will wear long sleeved shirts with shorts.
I've seen it so many times.
He only wears jeans when it's warm if he absolutely has to.
His humor is either crude, cracking dad jokes,
Or mocking your whining.

His friend Josh may very well get close to you, too.
Josh is a good man. Do not take his company for granted.
He can offer valuable insight to his best friends brain.
They work very, very similarly.

His hogwarts house is slytherin,
He's allergic to cats,
and after going down to as much as I could see on his moms facebook page a few months into us dating,
I can even tell you his entire natal chart for zodiacs.

Even if he doesn't believe in that hippy dippy ****,
He will amuse you enough to listen to you talk about it if you are.

Send him cute little pictures. Whenever you feel cute, send him one.
He will lavish you with attention.
He will call you gorgeous and beautiful and every other sweet name under the book.

He will love you like no man has ever loved you because he is still so new to this.

My dear,
Love him enough for the both of us.
I beg of you.

I lost him completely already,
I've honestly not even a chance to eber reconcile the friendship with him.
And I have come to terms with that,
I have come to terms with the deep seated love that will remain in my heart for eternity.
So please,
Love him. For me, for you, for him.
an oldie, but a goodie. i feel no more feelings for him but the nostalgia clings.
Alex Dec 2020
Even though you hurt me
I knew you once
And still, I told myself
I thought I'd never know a love like that
I thought that I loved you
But you hurt me
I thought that I knew you
Even though I didn't actually,
It kept going.
You didn't love me, even though
I fought for you.
now read it from the last line to the first :) i saw this format somewhere and tried it myself
Alex Dec 2020
I miss you.
I miss those soft blue eyes,
And that startlingly blonde hair,
And your jokes.

I miss the way your voice would lilt
Whenever you asked a question,
Or the way you would immediately go calm
And just ask me to hold your hand when I was upset.

I miss the fact that I can no longer just go up to you,
And pretend like my day has been okay,
Just so I could see your smile.

I miss that smile.
I miss when that smile was mine,
When I could make it happen with just three little words.

But you never actually meant it whenever you said it,
Those three little words never actually meant anything,
Even if you thought they did.

I know they didn’t.
Because you simply cannot just move on
So quickly, because you just can’t
Have that time with someone all of a sudden mean nothing like that,
If you actually loved them.

Kid, as much as I miss you,
You are not the man I need.
You are just a boy.
man it's been a year since i wrote this
Alex Nov 2019
The real me is a ****** person
The real me is a *****
The real me feels too much
The real me screams
The real me fights back
The real me loves way too much
The real me is too loyal
The real me is too petty
The real me hurts people.

The real me isn’t quiet
The real me is scared, though,
The real me is a **** victim,
The real me has PTSD,
The real me has BPD,
The real me doesn’t really know how to cope-
The real me doesn’t believe that suicide isn’t the answer.

The real me covers up,
Hides under blankets of sweet smiles,
And being polite,
And calmness.

The real me covers up,
Hides under blankets of poetry,
And sleep,
And other people’s personality traits.

The real me doesn’t really know who he is.
The real me fights with himself every single day.
The real me likes makeup but is actually scared to wear it-
The real me forces himself to wear dresses because even if it makes him happy

He’s so scared to be called fake-
The real me is so scared to be called fake-
Please stop calling him fake-
He wouldn’t want to rip off his feminine skin if he wasn’t fake-
He wouldn’t hate all his features if he was fake-

HE WOULDN’T HAVE DYSPHORIA IF HE WAS FAKE-
HE HAS DYSPHORIA-
And it hurts,
God it hurts,
Even the fake me feels it-
And both of the mes hurt.
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