Tangled strands
In grey matter
I thought it was you,
Them

Deeply embedded
Eternal threading through
No matter how many cuts
I made

“This is just part of me, I guess”
I said at last
Half-believing, hands shining
Patient and surgeon

But it wasn’t you. Or them. Not really.

Tangled strands
Memories made patterns
Which imprinted in grey matter,
Stuck

But these strands
Handled with care
Unravel and turn to wisps
Which, floating,
Take their leave,
Leaving untangled remembrance.
Free.

They peek in the window,
Then try the lock,
But they don't really need
My permission

Heaviness of limb
And a room seeped of color.
My brain is my tomb,
Until it's not

I never know
When next they'll return,
Demanding, not asking,
For the keys

I was never one to wonder
About a lover under cover
My heart burst for you and I didn't want another.

We jumped in, head first,
As people like us do
My heart beat for you.

I thought you knew.

Sitting where we stood,
There was no crackle in the air.
The colors were dull,
The room diminished, flat.
Or maybe that was just me.

The smiles seemed muted, in my half-spectral state, but to be fair, how can one trust what's only half seen?

Hands,
Brown, slender, strong
Are not the ones that caress me

Hair,
Dark, curly, boyish
Is not the kind I smooth

Eyes,
Deep, earnest, yearning
Are not the ones I wake to

One half the sentiment is there
But the dreams--
Vivid, honest, longing--
Are not what greet me with the day

What on earth do I do with that?

Here we are, another bend in the road
But don't worry about turning it.
For if you look back,
If you try to catch a glimpse,
It's there with a little twinkle in its eye
And a mischievous grin,
Waving goodbye and waving you forward,
Bouncing around the echo chamber.
Your hand is held.
It's an old friend now,
Didn't you know?

Longing, I am always longing
Reaching back and reaching forward,
from paths I've already tread to those
still whispering in my mind,
I clutch each to my breast-
steeped in nostalgia, wreathed in magic-
thrilling until I should die from the ache

Longing for stories and other worlds
To sip of the potion
To pull humming, throbbing reality
from shimmering mind
To build and then climb
Longing for what was and what could be

I remember the crisp November leaves
by the side of the road
The voice of a bygone friend after
so much time
The glimpse of a dream, still living
Each memory and vision piercing deep

Longing, longing, thrilling
But why?

A look back
And it is gone.
No, not vanished,
But softened
A color meld.
The vivid paint
That dripped and ran
Now blended
With the hues that
Came before.

There is hardly a worse phrase
Or a worse feeling
Than day one

It is heavy, like a rock
swallowed whole;
An interrupted clock
Re-wound, reset  
For what seems the
Hundredth time

Day one since…
It echoes in the mind,
A painful peal reverberating
Through the cavernous halls
Of the heart –
Newly empty

Empty, save the wine
Spilled by guests
Who left too soon

82 weeks after.

I sit alone and look
At a picture of us from the
Day we first met
Happenstance that it was
Even captured.

I sit alone and wonder
About my life
Had that picture never
Been captured.

But that isn't how
Life works
Is it?

He said
She said

Unseen blast
I saw red

He said
She said

What you said
All I felt
      
                Again. Again.

He looked
She sighed

They were your
Red-rimmed eyes

It was nothing like I imagined
and was everything I wanted it to be

We drove. And drove.
Our destination was a party
We ended up in a field

Everything that had come before
Melted away in the sweet darkness
And yet was as present as the rustling wind

Our shoulders brushed
Our shivers mingled in the frozen air
We were shaking, but we were at peace

Everything past, everything remembered
Forgotten, yet knit together
The pieces picked up, held so close

The roof of my car
Silence, laughter, tears
We owned it all

Holding as tightly as possible
Aching, clutching for more
The space between and around us

I can't explain what happened then
I don't think you could, either
But we went back there again

We drove. And drove.
Nothing declared
Everything (and nothing) understood

Such beauty I've never known
Than the stillness of that night
Everything and nothing.

Sometimes I feel like I’m floating
The things I hold on to so dearly don’t seem to stick
Or rather those whom I hold so dearly
Or rather him
I don’t have any big, existential troubles
I was always loved from the start
It isn’t that.
Everyone wants to share dreams
A hand to hold
A heart to warm
All the clichés.
Good things happen to me
Or rather great things
Even great people
Yet, sometimes I feel like I’m floating
I have a glad heart
Tinged with sadness
Unsure of that caress
So I escape to the gardens
My feet firm on the earth
To feel my skin glow in the sun
To breathe my being out into a whimsical escape
I have learned--
I am learning--
It’s all ok, everything in stride
Always one more stride
To round the corner
To see those eyes
That warm spark in the eyes
That sure caress
I may recognize it
It may be new
But one thing I know
Whatever the result
It’ll be ok

there doesn't have to be wrong and right
who we are is not a fight
pointing guns with trembling hands
waiting for the other to understand
love is more than a heavy heart
we're on the same side

there doesn't have to be yours or mine
always walking a thin line
slinging arrows of black and white
lying on tear-stained sheets at night
there is still magic to be had
we're on the same side

The passage of time
A whisper of wind
A budding violet in the woods
A vine creeping on an ancient wall,
Smooth, green shoots caressing cracked stone.

Stains and shadows
Hushed halls
A dusty page
In a once cherished book,
The bindings now loose

The whispering wind tells new stories,
New stories that link with the old
And create an intricate, mysterious, charming dance
Of life.
Whispers of light and shadow

Old blood, smoothed over
Green within the red
A new skin, a new heart, peeking out of the grass
They lift up their voice and add their whispers to the chorus
The pain is gone, the door is shut, the day has dawned anew.

The days where I still think about it
The days where it creeps up to haunt me
The days where I don’t look for it, yet find it
Around a corner, underneath a table,
Waiting to run me through like a ghostly mist,
Cold, cruel, and taunting

These are the days that still happen to me,
Once in awhile,
Though I am better.
I no longer wake to such shadows
I don’t have it pounding at my head
I don’t even necessarily remember what such misery feels like
I just know I never want to feel it again.

These days where it leaps out to grab me,
Clawing at my ankles, trying to pull me back
To the hell I finally escaped
Are just days.
A reminder to fight
A battle call to move forward.
So, I glance down towards the demons
And reach up towards the light.

Whip lash
Gutted heart
Gruesome, dripping
****** mass

Flashback
Opened door
Flaring scar
My stupid fault

Tired, so tired
******, push on
Fight fire with fire
Another step beyond

Things that don't matter
Steel your mind
Guard your heart
Let it go, you'll be fine

Deep breath
Slowed pulse
Clearing vision
Ebbing pain

Fading scar
Let it heal
Beating heart
Hope is near.

"Half-sick of shadows"
Yet incessantly longing for the night
A shadow-wrapped liaison
Our skin uttering what we have not

Half-sick of scars
Yet longing to kiss yours
Both of us healed, both of us unsure
Both longing for the clinging dark

Sweet nighttime
Love-drunk revelry
Hands tangled in my hair
Your hands clinging to my thighs

Moonlit heat
Love lit obsession
Lips caress my teardrops
Your pleasure curves my spine

Grasping hands and knowing hearts
In the shadows we find the truth
In the darkness,
In the shimmering stillness,
In the sweet nighttime.