Though seasons pass and years go by,
They will not stop the tears I cry,
And though may fall the gentle rain,
It will not wash away my pain,
And though there may be a tomorrow,
It will not take away my sorrow,
For when you and I became apart,
You took a piece of my broken heart,
I only ask that you give it back,
So I can get my life on track,
And I can somehow heal this broken heart,
And somehow make a brand new start,
I don’t think this is much to ask,
A very simple little task,
So my poor heart can somehow mend,
And I can start to live again.

02-12-10.

I wrote this to myself when I left.  I never should have left anyway.  I just...  Didn't want this to be a part of me but...  I don't think I can escape.

You ****. I despise you. Your idiotic writing and stupid love poems. You don't even have a real ******* reason to quit! You switch to me, and still write... At least you can be honest now. People will finally see what an ******* you truly are.

I can never tell anyone
How I really feel
Or when I need help.
Because inside
I am a burning inferno.
Angry at almost everyone.
Tearing my hair out
Screaming at my tormentors.
It's too much.
Behind my kind and loving demeanor
I am angry.
I really do love and care for others
But I have demons inside
Who must never be let out.

Give me a word
Any word
Because I have none
Give me a word
For what you're thinking about
For what I know
Give me a word
Because your words can
Bring mine back to life.

Running
And tripping
Caught along the way
Falling
Breaking
Laughing as you say

*Help me

Hearing about these famous poets
Depressed
Depressing
Hearing about people who
**** themselves.
It's sad
And it disgusts me
That somebody would turn to that
That anyone would allow it to happen
To let somebody feel so unloved
That the end would be more attractive
I cannot comprehend
I am not depressed
So I do not have the temptation
Because when I have thought of it
It seemed idiotic
Because there is always at least one person
Who deeply cares
Who thinks of you before falling asleep
I promise
I care
Even if it seems like nobody does
I don't judge others
Choices are your own
But your life is not
Ending yourself brings lifelong scars to everyone.

I sent it
At three AM
On one of those nights
Where silence gets violent
And I'm alone in my head.

I told you about the
Tiny pink pills
And how
If I took eight
I would sleep forever.
I gushed that
They were hidden
Under the toothpaste slathered
Countertop
In my bathroom.

I told you I loved you
But that
You weren't enough to stop me anymore.

I did actually consider it.
It was one of those nights.
But at some point,
As I laid on top of my comforter
And shivered under the fan,
I realized that
You weren't going to wake up
And convince me out of it.

I also thought
About how my mom was
A light sleeper.
How the floorboards would sound like
Orchestras
And the cabinet
Would be the symbals
To her.

I fell asleep
Numb,
But naturally numb,
And woke up wondering
What you would say.

You didn't say anything.

What kind of society do we live in that makes people feel this way?

I told myself I would never succumb,
I pace back and forth with tears streaming down my face
telling myself again and again
"I'm strong I'm strong"

I look in the mirror
and I beg to see something beautiful.
I beg to find pretty,
but I have yet to see it.
"You're beautiful You're beautiful"
I tell myself again and again
But I never believe it.

I collapse to the ground, sobbing
because I've failed.
six water bottles
and feeling sick
as that hopeless feeling takes over me.

I look in the mirror
and beg for a sign that I'm okay
something to tell me I don't have to do this.

But there I end up,
crippled over the toilet
vomiting my insecurities.

What else can you do.
You starve yourself but nothing changes,
You exercise none stop
but you stay the same.

You've thrown away the food in the house
to keep the bare, healthy minimum.

Nothing changes.
Nothing but shivers
and a voice
that knows you'll do anything for a touch;
Maybe if I'm skinny,
I won't be alone.
Maybe,
Someone will find me pretty enough to ask if I'm okay.
I wouldn't have to sit here sobbing
feeling hopeless.

But nothing changes.
Nothing changes and I can't stop the tears.
Looking into that horrific mirror,
Looking back at that red,
pudgy,
unpleasant face
mocking me.

A broken body

with a  broken mind

what else can I do,

when nothing changes?