Raven

Apr 2018

Hannah Marr

It's funny how
most nights
I can't sleep
unless I first
spend a moment,
a mile a minute,
drawing out words
from my mind
and putting them
on a page.

I lend shape
to my thoughts
and put them
away
so sleep
can come
and numb
my mind.

Be it poetry,
or a novel,
or discordant ramblings
akin to a blaring *****
between my ears
and behind my eyes,
I must first
empty myself
of myself.

The night is my enemy
that feeds off of my
overactive
mind
that I must
empty
in order to
sleep.

But I'm coping,
I'm fine,
I'm fine.

Five hours is still
better than four,
right?

h.f.m.

Raven Apr 2018

Adam

I'm sorry I pushed you too far
That last night

You were hurting
And so was I
But I hurt you more
And pushed you too far

You couldn't take it anymore
Everyone mad
Everyone leaving
Everyone disappointed
Angry
Annoyed
You just couldn't take it anymore

So on that last night
You told me you did it again
I thought you had stopped
But that night you relapsed
I got mad
I was sad

I yelled at you
Over text of course
For it was long distance
So I couldn't really be there for you in the way you needed

You told me you wanted to die

I was mad

I said go ahead

I ended the skype call

I cried myself to sleep

Then I woke up and said sorry
But all I got in reply was
'He's no longer here'

So now I sit here
Remembering you
Fighting away tears

I don't want people to ask why I'm crying
For I pushed you over the edge
I pushed you a little too far
And now every once in awhile
I wake up in tears

For I remember your fears
They were losing everyone you loved

One of them was losing me or me bring mad at you

That last night I ignored your fears
And pushed you too far

Now I sit here fighting away tears
Whispering silently in my thoughts
'I'm sorry'

April/ 23/ 2018/ 10:23PM/ 14 yrs old.
This is about one of my ex's who committed suicide when I was twelve.

Apr 2018

Hannah Marr

WANDERLUST

This place is constricting
My world is too small
A handful of towns, tied together with a few roads
A highway or two, lifelines
Beyond my borders the world still isn't big enough
There aren't enough destinations on the map to sate my curiosity
I feel like a dog on a leash, straining to be free
To run by untamed waters, to traverse great fields
Reined in by my handler
Preventing me from losing myself to the unknown
I supposed I can understand the sentiment
If I ever left to explore, I don't know if I'd come back
But my confinement chaffes like a noose

h.f.m.

Apr 2018

Hannah Marr

ABSOLUTION

noun

1. this end is only a new beginning, the man at the podium affirms. a better place, a new adventure, is waiting for all of us when we pass on. i care not for that, watching my family's stony faces. there is a terrible wrenching where my stomach used to be. it's name is guilt.

2. i haunt my own home for the next several days, the next several weeks, the next several months, the next several years. i watch over them, trying to pay back their kindness from a past life. there is a pull where my chest used to be. it's name is obligation.

3. a man comes to be, insubstantial. rid yourself of this burden, he says. you need not be their keeper. they have forgiven you long before your passing.

4. i am free, i am free, i am free.

h.f.m.

#dictionary

Apr 2018

Hannah Marr

NO EXIT

Turn the corner—
Dead end
                             Backtrack
New path—
Brick wall
Retrace

(Round and round and round and)

Twisting maze
                                                  Pacing
YOU WILL NEVER ESCAPE
                                        Forever gone, mind numb, lost lost lost...
         THIS PLACE IS NOT A PLACE TO LEAVE
There's the front door, here's the kitchen, bedroom, bathroom...
                                      TRAPPED YOU ARE TRAPPED

I will live the rest of my days in this not-home
                                     In my head

h.f.m.

Apr 2018

rainbows and sunshine

•disarray thoughts•

love is such
a hard thing to
find but yet so easy
to get hurt from