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 Sep 2023 Pagan Paul
M
I remember
how I begged the friends to come to my party
at the age of 21
how I faked my  smile in the pictures,
how I feigned joy
to cover up my deep pain ,

I remember my cold birthday
at the age of six
watching television
without any heat,
as the mice crawled near my feet
I remember the burning
the lonlieness
the longing
of wanting
companionship
some love.

Looking back
I chased all my friends
many of them weren't so enthusiastic at times.

I did this my whole life
I didn't know,
that I didn't need to starve
to be fed.

I am still learning,
the other day someone complimented me,
I was literally  shocked,
because it has happened so rarely to me,
that I felt so much joy and love in my heart.
that kind people exist,
and than I cried about that deeply inside ,
about this notion this fact.

At my past birthday
the" friends " that I had there,
kind of ignored me
went off to smoke,
and I had to beg them to take my pictures.

I just feel so much disgust
in my heart and soul.

When I saw her the other day,
all I wanted to do was spit in her  face
and yell "FK You Btch ,"
you didn't deserve even
one ounce of my fking presence.

Instead all I did was glare deeply at her
and she the cowardess  that she is ,
wouldn't even look at me
or ever apologize.

Now I may be alone
but I am choosing myself!

My people My places
And My life .
I am choosing
I get to have Choice.
It's getting late
late hours and I still don't close my eyes
I still wait for the chat to die
it keeps coming, back and forth
It's morning five
the sleepless night
An hour for day to break
My eyes remain awake.
What makes a happy memory
it would end like in a melody
the waves make in the way
someplace
Cherishing moments treasury
But eventually, things end.
Blue and white
Black and white
Monochromatic
Or rainbow like

Cold and numb
Warm to fuzzy
Systematic
Cognitive overdrive

Day and night
At will
Unflinching
Rhythmic
Serpentine
 Sep 2023 Pagan Paul
Anais Vionet
Good neighbors, sweet friends, can you forgive me?

In long, still and creeping hours of study,
I can be stern and inaccessible.

My studies tax me to basest function,
resting, weight-like, on my wretched shoulders.
I, too-weary, ebb and at times, tend to
spare few feelings and gall, as if licensed.

Sometimes I go, unwillingly to class,
a melancholy lass. Please, if we talk,
speak gently. I labor under command,
and you may not be answered with reason.

Hereby hangs the tale, ladies just and fair.
Sleep, that dark medicine, has restored me,
my sanity and my better judgment.
Patiently receive my apology
and recall our many fun adventures.
An apology in sonnet
I was rude to some roommates, late one night because they were having fun, and I was completely stressed out - that’s all, we made up - but it made for a sonnet =]
 Sep 2023 Pagan Paul
M
Within my tears
I find freedom
I find peace
I find sense
I find strength.
I am finding the love for myself
the peace within my pain,
the stillness.

where it all starts to make sense
how much I didn't love myself,
so of course I couldn't really receive that back to me.
I am crying for my old selves that didn't know how to love myself
I think the true home is found within ,
the more I heal
the more I love
the more I open,
I want to live a life with more softness
I don't need to grimace at life anymore.
Strength is inner strength
resilance
boundaries
finding meaning within pain
living especially when you don't want to,
smiling at the little things.
I have always been very strong
maybe I can also be soft.
like the earth
like the children
like the  water
like the body
strength is not in voilence
in war the way that the patriarchy
wants me to believe,
its in choosing kindness over pain
in choosing love over fear
in choosing ourselves over abuse
this is true strength!
In crying,
In allowing ourselves to feel,
truly and deeply.
This is strength,
healing from addictions
this is strength.
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