I have butterflies in my stomach,
but not because I'm nervous.
I swallowed them,
whole without chewing,
so not to mess up their fragile fairy wings
or have slimy bug guts sliding down my throat.
I thought if I had the butterflies
I could finally get rid of the sins inside
that reside within me as dark as night,
that there would finally be something about me
that was  
B  E  A  U  T  I   F  U  L.
But since I can't count on myself to change,
I keep butterflies inside me instead.

In fiction good always beats evil.
The good guy will always squash
the bad guy and justice will always prevail.
That's what fiction teaches your children.
That "what goes around comes around"
that "God will pay you double for your troubles"

But in reality that never happens.

In reality the bad guy squashes the good guy
and evil prevails
as it spreads from person to person.

And I don't know about you
but I wish I would have been
fed a spoonful of reality as a kid.

Then I would have at least been prepared
to deal with people like you
who waltz into my life,
all charming and smiles in the beginning,
but who will stab me in the back and toss me aside
the second I am no longer useful for their evil plans.

Sometimes I just wish
that fiction stories could apply to real life...

You twist the truth
into boy scout knots
and put them on display
for all to see.
"Look at me! Look what I did!"
and everyone believed it,
while I sat in the corner, quiet,
because people only want to believe
the story that sounds the most interesting.

Long blonde hair
doesn’t have a care
she bounces when she walks
and sounds funny when she talks

That girl is me

Most people can’t see
past my too bright clothes
or my too big bows
they just give me one glance
and without giving me a chance
decide that I’m not worth their time

And you know, its fine
I’ll just crack open my favorite book
or start another story in my notebook
I’ve lived in this place for twelve years
I’ve done since conquered my fears
of being shut down
I’ve always found a way to turn my frown
into a smile
a way to not get irritated or riled
up the second things don’t go my way

I plan to stay
in this city for the rest of my life
and become a hardworking housewife
there’s no reason to try and stir up trouble
I feel fine inside my own little bubble

But obviously my friends wouldn’t  let me do that
because, let's be honest, humans aren’t meant to be doormats
I'll always have Robert, or Child, or Ant
without them I-I just can’t!
they took me in when I needed them the most
and no I’m not going to bore you or boast
but you should at least know that they’re my everything
that without them I’m like a bird without wings
that they’ve shaped me into the person I am

And no, I don't give a ****
if they're all a bunch of freaks
I wouldn’t be here without my lovable band of geeks
and if any of you ever attempt to hurt
them I’ll crush your days to dirt
without a second thought
of getting caught

I love that when I’m around them I can take down my walls
that while sprawled
on the floor I can laugh and cry
without the fear of being criticized.
I can tell them how I believe love is love
and that there's nothing anyone should be ashamed of.
that to really live life you don’t just aim to survive
but to thrive
that maybe there isn’t a heaven or a hell
but that there's nothing we should dwell
on or regret

And yet...

I know we all have different dreams
in less than a year our little group will fall apart at the seams
and even after I’m free of this cesspool
I’ll just be going to another school
working and studying and pouring my blood, sweat, and tears
the same way I’ve been doing for years

Since sophomore year I’ve been persistent
on becoming a dental assistant
it wasn't the first path I had chosen
but it's a realistic path my parents have woven
for me and I trust their intentions

Now I hope I haven’t forgotten to mention
that my biggest dream of all,
and though I know it may seem small,
is to get married and have kids
to feel overwhelmed with love when I look down into a crib
and be met with a big smiling face and a little button nose
oh, and I just know
when I become a mother I wont lose my childish edge
I’ll be paying bills but I’ll still have my zest
of course I'll still make time for longboarding and drawing and reading

I’ll spend lots of time searching and seeking
out my purpose
I’ll hold my head high and stop being the nervous
little girl I used to be

Because I’ll finally be the best version of me

Freedom is such a beautiful thing
that makes you feel weightless,
like you're on top of the world,
like you can control the constellations.
And why can we feel freedom?
Because you can't have light without darkness
or happiness without sadness,
we all know what it's like
to be chained down,
a slave to society,
to the cards we've been dealt if life.
Lately I've been stuck in a cell
screaming to be free,
fiending to feel weightless again,
willing to do anything to take off these chains,
because deep down I will always be
a slave to freedom.

Face of cracked stone
eyes hollowed and black
hands relaxed into fists
lips tugged down into frown

she feels nothing
nothing at all

Yet a single dewdrop is slick
shined from the night time grass
playing with the corner of her eye
before slow-motion sliding down her face

Yet she feels nothing
nothing at all

I could write you a poem from the heart
but I don't think you'd like it.
I don't think you'd even finish the poem,
let alone skim each line,
I'm pretty sure you wouldn't take the time
to find a deeper meaning
in the abyss of words
that make up my mind
or be able to keep yourself
from jumping to conclusions
on what my metaphors mean.
So if you asked me to write you a poem,
I would just hand you a blank piece of paper,
because writing a poem for you
is just a waste of time
just like every second I ever spent on you,
every feeling faltering,
every word a write off,
every metaphor meaningless.
I'll never write you another poem again
because you deserve to be kept in the dark,
because you don't deserve to know
just how bad you really hurt me.

You call me your goddess.
That I rule over all that
is intelligent and beautiful
You never hesitate to
put me up on a podium
and praise me for my qualities

And how did I earn this position?
By being myself.
He doesn't force me to change,
he doesn't even want me to change

I wish everybody could be like that.
That instead of setting the bar high and
having expectations for others,
that we can give each other more hugs
and congratulate one another.

That everybody can have somebody in their lives
that lifts them up instead of puts them down.
That makes them feel like just as much as a goddess
as my boyfriend makes me feel.

Paintbrush in my hand,
yellow paint at the ready
to add the last finishing touches.

It's a landscape of a bright sunset
bleeding into dark waters.
Its beautiful beyond compare,
enough to make anyone smile
at just the mere sight of it.

But I'm frowning.
Because where I make a masterpiece,
I see a piece of work.

Just like when I look
into the mirror everything morning.
I see features of my face
that could be painted over
or blended in to look prettier
like the other girls at my school.

But unlike my artwork that I can
fix and fool around with until I'm pleased,
I can't change my face into
a work of art that I can be proud of.
I  know I will always feel like a failed project.

I really am my worst critic...

His eyes were the rainbow sunset
Smile was the source of all my laughter
I know he would never let,
me fall and brittly shatter.

His laugh is the music
a choppy chuckling beat
though to others it may sound tragic,
to me this escape is elite

His smallest touch sets my skin to fire
a roaring soaring blaze,
I would be a liar
if I said it was just a faze

But here I am as I open my eyes,
it was all just a dream
for no matter how high I rise
His eyes will never share my gleam.

If I walked out today would you chase me?
Would you grab my hand on the way out the door?
Would you tell me you loved me?
Would I say it back?

If I cried in front of you would you comfort me?
Would you sit and stare at me uncomfortably?
Would you tell me to dry my tears?
Would I only cry harder?

If I lied to you would you hate me?
Would you make me tell you the truth?
Would you lose all trust in me?
Would I deserve to be trusted again?

If I asked you to marry me would you say yes?
Would we both be ready to live our lives together?
Would I be happy with you?
Would you be happy with me?

People have always scared me
my knees shake
and I cower away in the corner
like a mouse hiding from a cat

And when I'm with you
I lose my words
and  look down at the floor
like its the most interesting thing

in the world

But then you hold your hand out
I grab it
and though we don't speak
you're okay with it

You are my seatbelt
tethering me to this earth
and for that I love you
more than any words could ever say

I'm so unhappy
but I can't say how I feel,
because if I do
I'm just being unsupportive,
so I can't win either way,
I can either be unhappy or selfish,
one of us will take the blame,
but that person won't be me

You are my everything.
Words cannot even describe,
but I will try.
You're my first waking thought,
the last before I sleep
and then there you are
weaved into my dreams.
eat, sleep, love you, repeat.
You are my everything.

I'm still wishing for the day
when I can be a priority over
everything else in your life,
I'm still wishing for the day
when I won't cry alone in my room  
holding my childhood stuffed animal,
I'm still wishing for the day
when I won't feel bitter about the way
you continue to treat me,
I'm still wishing for the day
when I can be a person
who can stand on their own,
I'm still wishing for the day
when you stop trying to turn me
into a ticking time bomb,
I'm still wishing for the day
when loving myself will be enough
to pick up the pieces when I shatter

I can't do this
I can't block her out
I can't ignore what could just be a rumor
I can't stay silent
I cant

Please don't leave me
please just listen
please deny what they say
please just believe me
please

I'll learn to love you
I'll learn to not stray
I'll learn to like guys
I'll learn from my mistakes
I'll learn

I will be honest
I will stay with you
I will let you own me
I will make myself be happy
I will

I promise

My time is up,
the flame's burned out
and there's no wick left
to start it back up.
All hope is gone.

I think I feel a bit better,
like the last few days,
I've been under the weather,
but my tummy didn't hurt
and my nose wasn't runny,
no,this weighing sadness
just made me feel a bit funny,
I was sick in the brain
and even though I try to refrain
from feeling this way
sometimes a girl just needs a mental health day
to make the dark clouds go away
even if it's only for a little while...

I push people away
and leave them before
they can leave me,
before you can betray me,
because everybody hates me.

I'm not experienced
I've never felt love
I've never felt anything
like this

so when you whisper
those maple syrup words
hot and thick
in my ear
I say them back
more as a question
than an answer

You told me you loved me
and I said It back,
not knowing you meant it in that way.

I hate those people with perfect lives
That never seem to have anything go wrong,
like they are in the clouds
And never have so much as a drop of rain tarnish their trendy clothes,
they're above everyone else
and they believe it too,
yet they are never grateful
for the things they'll never have to go through,
you don't deserve to be in this place,
you don't deserve to always have your way,
you never have the worst fate you,
and for that I will always hate you

I hate her
even though I barely know
anything about her,
because for some reason
you're in love with her,
even though she wants
nothing to do with you,
if she was in love with you in return
I wouldn't stand a chance

my hands are tiny
scrawny and warm
with a freckled right hand
and sawed-off fingernails

your hands are big
full yet cold
with a circling thumb
and fingertips of lightning

your left hand fits
with my right
sending icy shivers
down my spine

while your right hand
holds me down,
stops my breathing
and all sound

I drag through every day
with invisible cement blocks
strapped to my feet.
I let nobody in,
nobody sees,
nobody knows my struggle
except for me.
I've kept up a smile
through these tears for years
because I know
the world won't stop revolving
just because I'm depressed.
It keeps on spinning  
through suicide attempts every second
and climate change,
and world wars.
No, the world won't stop revolving for anybody,
it's every man for himself
in this dog-eat-dog world.

My heart swelled like the sea
on that night when you told me.
I remember it so vividly,
your voice was so lovely,
on that night you set my soul free

I can't go a day without missing you,
most days I feel like I can't go on,
but somehow I do and the thought
of being able to live without you makes
me feel like I betrayed you,
I miss you more than the world,
and it breaks me that the world
continues spinning without you
no matter how much I beg it to stop,
but the world will keep on spinning,
torturing me with every breath I take
until you're nothing more than a memory

Being on top of the world one moment
and hitting rock bottom the next
is one of the worst feelings in the world,
like life is just one huge ferris wheel
that never stops.
up, down
even after you've run out of tickets
up, down
even after your skin turns stark white
from motion sickness.
The cycle will continue
until you choose to take control of you
up, down
What are you going to do?

I've always kept my jealousy
locked in a box within my heart,
and since the day we started dating
only I've held the key.

My jealousy innocently simmers
inside like a *** of water,
but explodes red-hot like
the lava inside a volcano
if put under pressure

I wish I could let you open up my little box
and let you see the real root of my jealousy.
Let you see that buried underneath my smile
lies a deep, etched frown.

But I know you wouldn't understand.
You see me as strong and as cast-iron hard
as the box encased around my heart.
You would break if you saw
your sturdy rock crumble.

So instead I'll shut my little box
and throw away the key,
in hopes that if I bury these feelings
deep enough inside of me
I'll forget they ever existed
in the first place.

You start with the cheek
warm against the cold
the embrace leaves me weak
and your hand I take hold
but the passion grows stronger
as you move in near
please linger longer
can't conquer my fear
but those lips they caress
gingerly against my own
the first is a mess
but the craving has grown
until I phene
on the taste of your nicotine

There are only three words
that I feel like saying right now,
three words
that I've thought about over and over again
as I lay awake in bed,
three words
that soar like a bird
wild and free and full of fresh breath,
three words
that I want to shout till my voice
becomes so sore I can't speak
three words
that I hope you feel like saying back
but have just been too afraid to,
three words
I. love. you.

Why am I always crying?
Everyone around me is always
so lighthearted and upbeat
laughing and
talking and
smiling and
I'm just sitting off to the side
with a sour look on my face,
feeling like I'm on the outside peering in,
like I don't belong.
What is their secret?
What are they doing that I'm not?
Why can't I just be like everyone else?
What's wrong with me?
Why can't I be happy?!

He stands on the edge
his arms spread out like wings,
his eyes shut to the murky water
swirling angrily below him.

He takes a step forward,
walking on thin air,
before gravity brings reality.

He falls as if in slow motion,
his heart leaping out to touch
the water before his body does.

He sinks like a stone,
his heart heavy with the
years of sadness and pain
weighing him down

Yet a week later ,
when they finally brought him up,
where his cheeks were waterlogged and swollen,
was the ever so hint of a smile

If you could read minds
you would find
a total stranger.
You'd want to change her,
change me.
Yes my thoughts would finally be free,
but you would never agree
with me.

I've given up on boys.
I'm tired of being treated
like a toy that is only played
with once on Christmas day.

I'm tired of being seen
only for my body,
like I'm not a person
with a brain.
I'm not just something to be obtained

I'm the person
who lifts you up when you're down,
who will always want you around,
who will keep your secrets,
who isn't afraid to see you at your weakest.

I'm tired of being seen for the size of my parts.
Why can't you just see the size of my heart?

There's a monster that lurks in the shadows
waiting for the right moment to strike,
so it can dig its fangs into a human,
tear its flesh limb from limb.
It'll wait as long as it takes
if it means it can take the time
to savor the ****
and quench its thirst for blood.

I'll lurk in the shadows
and wait for the right opportunity
to rob you of your humanity.
I'll lie, cheat, and steal
to cover up my crimes.
I don't care if I ruin your life
as long as your downfall benefits mine.
Am I really any different from the monster?

I'm wearing your jacket,
breathing you in,
feeling the places where your bare skin has touched,
Imagining your arms around me.

Yet as he sees me do these things,
sees that I'm obviously taken,
he still pulls me close
and wraps his arms around me.

I've burned so many bridges
I have no where else to go,
no where to cross.
Now all I look down and see,
between the chasms I created,
is the infinite abyss,
dark and swirling and ******* me in.
I have no where else to go,
and since I've burned so many bridges,
all I can do now is jump.

The time has been
short but the days
drag on like years.
The past is sin
but still it stays
in our worst fears.
Collapsing in the shadows,
is the bridge you
and I built together.
Even over years close,
its stayed strongly through
all worse and better.

Until a month ago.

The gap of patience
waiting for you again
to ascend has grown
deeper and wider so
it tears all sense,
no place to defend,
Until my heart's sound
fades away in the wind.
A soft and lonely cadence.

I hate that word
sounds like a disease
its completely blurred

oh just please
stop saying it
to be the crowd
when theres people who slit
their wrists

they scream loud
for anyone to listen
during the pain

they think hope is fiction
it winds through their brain
until they die
with a smile

and because of your lie
those bodies pile

knife tracing over my veins,
blue green against paper skin
the paths, the new beginnings
I could have followed
had I chosen to.

My heart racing
like it's running a marathon,
my head crackling
like an old t.v

Only one thought pops
into my mind,
piercing through the white noise,
through the free flowing tears.
Should I?

It's not love
if you kick someone to the curb,
if you drop someone like a bad habit.
You said you had no one to talk to
even when I was standing next to you,
yet you always looked at her
like she was the only thing
that could put a smile
on those lips I've kissed.
You had checked out of our relationship
before it was even over,
and here I am, still trying to be sober,
trying to let go of the grasp
I still have on you.
I was nothing compared to her.
I'm sorry I couldn't be her,
I'm sorry it wasn't love.

I wish I had a hidden talent
that could bring a crowd to its knees.
I can barely balance
on both feet,
yet alone sing a solo
or play water polo.
I can't put others in a trance
when I dance,
or speak to a crowd,
or even make my parents proud.
No one will ever notice me
when all I can write is poetry.

Tonight we are young,
but, tomorrow, we better run.
Because tomorrow brings another day,
and these growing pains won't go away.
So we'll run away from this barren land,
hand in hand, we'll fly to Neverland.
I don't care what we get into,
because my heart's at home when I'm with you.

You just want to ****
my spirit for the thrill
of the game
and the adrenaline in your veins

You don't care about the thoughts
racing through my mind
or the wars fought
to keep my heart off the grind

The whispers over my shoulder
have made me older
when I'm still too young
to have winded lungs

Yet I'm choking, can't breathe
as I stare at the storm before
my eyes, every word hung in seethe,
For how could one already be so **** sore?

It seems like life
has too many lows
and not enough highs.
Just like gravity,
what comes up must always come down,
and when you fall flat on your face
it's always hard to get back up again.
You wonder why you even try anymore,
I wonder why I even try anymore,
but the reason I haven't succumbed myself
to the manic madness inside my head
is because of the rare things
that come in life like
double rainbows and
four leaf clovers and
happy tears and
laughing until your stomach hurts and
all of the nonsense about dreams and
true love that probably isn't even true.
And though these things may seem simple,
I'm too curious to give up.
I'll always be chasing the end of the rainbow
even if I never find it,
because life is just a bottomless pit
if there's nothing for me to hope for.

even though I'm almost 18
I still see the world through
the eyes of a child.

Soon I'll go off to college
and pull out my hair
trying to pay the bills,
but just for one moment,
while I'm still on the border
of adolescent and adult,
I want to do the things I used to do.

I want to rewind time to winter
where there was a mug of hot chocolate
waiting for me on the kitchen table
after hours of making angels in the snow.

I want to travel back to spring
where I'd race my bikes
with the neighborhood kids,
splashing through puddles and
spouting out elementary insults
and feeling on top of the world.

I want to go back summers ago
where I giggled under the dying light
as I caught fireflies in plastic containers
and danced in the dark green grass.

I want to go back to fall
where I would sit on the couch
cowering over horror movies,
burying my face into a blanket whenever
the scary parts came on the screen,
because I wanted to feel like a big girl.

And now that I'm nearly a big girl,
whose stuck between the seasons,
I know I no longer want to be one.
That I wish I would have stayed
within those younger years
just a little longer.

Whenever I sit and ponder upon my life
I can always count on fairy tales,
on princesses.
But no, I'm not talking about all the
glitz and glamour and happy endings
most people imagine,
I think of the little things,
of how jealous I am of Cinderella.
And no, I could care less
about her prince or fairy godmother,
all I care about is the ball,
of how Cinderella got it all.
Cinderella at least got
to stay out till midnight,
when my ball came around,
when prom came around,
I was never even allowed to attend,
I never get the chance
to see the twinkling lights
or the dresses long enough to trip over,
I'd never dance till my legs turned to jelly,
or walk in with the love of my life,
no, I'd never even be there long enough
to drop my glass slipper.
I will never have till midnight,
all I'll ever have are four walls to stare at
under the surveillance of my strict parents,
I'll never be a Cinderella,
I'll only ever be a Rapunzel,
locked up in a tower,
waiting on a prince to save me
that will never come.

When I die
I don't want to be buried.
Set my physical body ablaze
the same way my soul
will be burning in hell,
carry me to the top
of the highest cliff overlooking the ocean
so I can see the breeze ruffling
the fabric of your sunshine dress.
And then you'll sit beside me one last time
and whisper you're deepest darkest secrets,
your fears, your dreams,
because you know I no longer have a mouth
to tell anyone these things.
Tell me of the places we never went,
the sights we'd never see,
those memories so bittersweet,
and finally, when the sun sets
and the time feels right,
pop open my lid,
set me free,
watch me fly
the same way I flew off that bridge
some summer nights ago
when the wind was in my head.
I'll relay my regrets
as I fall towards the frothing waves
and the gaping jaws of the rocks below,
the black, murky depths
and the hands of Satan
reaching out to greet me,
the dying light of your sunshine dress
the last thing that I see.