even though I'm almost 18
I still see the world through
the eyes of a child.

Soon I'll go off to college
and pull out my hair
trying to pay the bills,
but just for one moment,
while I'm still on the border
of adolescent and adult,
I want to do the things I used to do.

I want to rewind time to winter
where there was a mug of hot chocolate
waiting for me on the kitchen table
after hours of making angels in the snow.

I want to travel back to spring
where I'd race my bikes
with the neighborhood kids,
splashing through puddles and
spouting out elementary insults
and feeling on top of the world.

I want to go back summers ago
where I giggled under the dying light
as I caught fireflies in plastic containers
and danced in the dark green grass.

I want to go back to fall
where I would sit on the couch
cowering over horror movies,
burying my face into a blanket whenever
the scary parts came on the screen,
because I wanted to feel like a big girl.

And now that I'm nearly a big girl,
whose stuck between the seasons,
I know I no longer want to be one.
That I wish I would have stayed
within those younger years
just a little longer.

I know this sounds stupid.
I know to you it's second nature,
but I'm gonna thank you anyways.
Thank you for being the
only boy in history,
whose ever kissed me,
who hasn't tried
to put a hand up my shirt.

I'm all you have,
and I know that's sad,
but we'll both be fine,
because when one of us cries
we'll still face our fears,
we won't be alone to dry our tears,
so dry your tears, Love, don't be blue,
I'll be fine if I have you.

When I die
I don't want to be buried.
Set my physical body ablaze
the same way my soul
will be burning in hell,
carry me to the top
of the highest cliff overlooking the ocean
so I can see the breeze ruffling
the fabric of your sunshine dress.
And then you'll sit beside me one last time
and whisper you're deepest darkest secrets,
your fears, your dreams,
because you know I no longer have a mouth
to tell anyone these things.
Tell me of the places we never went,
the sights we'd never see,
those memories so bittersweet,
and finally, when the sun sets
and the time feels right,
pop open my lid,
set me free,
watch me fly
the same way I flew off that bridge
some summer nights ago
when the wind was in my head.
I'll relay my regrets
as I fall towards the frothing waves
and the gaping jaws of the rocks below,
the black, murky depths
and the hands of Satan
reaching out to greet me,
the dying light of your sunshine dress
the last thing that I see.

I was shaking and shrieking

rolling thunder thrumming in my ears
electricity crackling in my fingers and toes
the wind whishing my hair every which way

Lighting flashed and I lost my mind

trees fell one by one and made my home a prison
the sky cracked open and tore the world in two
people shook and shrieked as they fought for their lives

I couldn't keep from laughing at it all

The brown eyed girl
believed she was nothing but a defect
but I believe she just hasn't begun to unfurl
her own set of silver wings yet

heart of sunshine
laughter of wind chime

she is beautiful
brown eyes so full and bright
her smile that will never dull
has showered everyone in her light

full of brains
no refrain

one day she won't need me to sew her wings
and she'll fly to history
leave a burn if anything
hand in hand with me.

Headphones in my ears,

tuning the world to white noise,

turning off my senses.

All that matters is the beat,

pumping blood into my veins,

breathing a clear calm into

this instrument of a body.

Music. Is. Life

Flat stomach
poking ribs
jealous girls
wanna be thin

Empty stomach
growing hunger
cannot eat
just a little longer

My distraction
my punishment
I deserve
this discontent

I have loved and I have lost
I have laughed and I have cried
I have created and I have destroyed
I have lived... and now I must die

On a scale of 1 to 10
they say I'm a 4,
below average.
If I got a 4 out of 10 on a test
I'd be failing with an F.
Yet when it comes to smarts,
I get straight A's in school,
perfect 10's on every paper.
But nobody ever sees the smart girl
all they see is the ugly 4.
I'll never be more than just a number...

Waking up in a pool of sweat and tears,
my memories haunting my nightmares.
I had just fallen asleep at 2 a.m
because I stayed up all night stressing.
Because I was afraid to face you
the following morning.

I thought I'd slept for hours,
that I had just forgotten
to set my alarm on accident.
But when I squinted to see,
the red numbers only read 3.
And though I'm physically tired,
I've never felt more mentally awake.

We'll see the same moon
when you watch from your window.
Sit and remember me,
soak in our memories
till you taste those tears so bittersweet.
But do not stay sad,
instead stretch a smile
and be happy that I was your's
and you were mine,
even if it was only for a short time,
if we share the same moon
we'll both be fine.
I will find my way back to you,
when the sun sets
it doesn't go away forever,
but comes back just as beautiful as before
as a blazing sunrise.
So for now look to the moon,
I will be back soon,
I will find my way back to you.
I promise.

I know you cant see me
im nothing to you
I just wish you could be
for once something true
do you have to lie
even to the ones you love
will you even try
to be something proud of?

She's the sweetest little girl I swear,
the girl with the halo of hair.

Her eyes might be an icy blue,
but deep inside there lies a different hue,
one that's brighter than the sun's rays,
that blooms far wilder than the flowers of May.

Yes, she may be beautiful,
but she's also the girl who pulls
on my heartstrings when she holds me close,
who doesn't make me feel like a ghost,
whose smile brightens up my day,
who doesn't judge the things I do or say.

I knew the second I saw her she was the one for me,
the one who will always make me happy
and though she's a girl, she's the love of my life,
who I hope will one day become my wife.

Sometimes I look outside
while it's raining rampant
and remember the simple times
when I used to believe
you could dodge the raindrops
and not get wet
if you were fast enough,
or how I used to race the raindrops
as they slid down the window
when I was stuck inside
for the day to play instead.
Those were the little things I worried about as a kid.
Now I worry about
what I'm gonna do after high school
when I'm thrown out into the world,
or if I'll be lucky enough to have someone
want to settle down and start a family with me,
or if I'll even make a big enough mark
for at least one person
to remember me by when I die.
And since I can't rewind my life,
I'm stuck staring out the window at the raindrops
to remember those memories
that can only be found from childhood.

I've always been able to admire
those girls that can go about their day
without caking concealer on their face,
those girls that wake up in the morning
and look in the mirror
and smile at each of their imperfections
as if they were beauty marks.
And when I see that same girl
walking down the street,
I can't help but smile,
because that girl decided
to block out the screams of society
and love herself despite her flaws.
That, to me, is the most beautiful thing.

Love is evergreen.
No matter how much you
want it to wilt like a flower,
It will always find a way
to grow back again.

Dating me is like
getting a new puppy.
I might look cute and cuddly
in the animal shelter,
but when you take me home
you realize all I do is
*** on your floor and
chew up your furniture.

I think I kinda sorta like you
at least that's what I think
I can't even look at you
without turning pink

You're out of my league
I'm trying to touch the stars
trying to pursue you
will only leave scars

I think I kinda sorta like you
you're the only one who gets me
when our hearts beat together
I feel casual and carefree

It's probably just a faze
In a few days this will end
I really need to stop this
I do have a boyfriend

But I think I kinda sorta love you...

sixth-period algebra
front row
left side seat
brown hair
black glasses
bright smile

Did you know?

that she sat next to you
the whole year

Did you know?

about the hidden moments we
were together

Did you know?

how her hand fit
with mine

Did you know?

that I sometimes wish I were with her
instead of you

You didn't know?!

well now you do

We'll carry on
when all is gone,
charging strong
into the dawn.

They say if you love someone
set them free,
but where does that
leave me?
Am I never allowed
to be selfish?
All give and no take,
I'm pretty selfless.

I've given you my heart but I cant have
yours in return?
Now that stings, I'll even admit
that it burns
If I cant even have something as
simple as that,
then where do I draw
the line at?
When will I finally show you
out the door?

What am I even fighting for
anymore?!

When I fall in love,
I fall hard.
Flat on my face,
scraping both knees,
scuffing both hands.
And no,
I'm not gonna need a band aid
I'm gonna need stitches,
I'm gonna have scars.
I guess that's what I get
for falling so hard.

I want to be the type of person
who inspires others,
who has people look up to me
like I look up to my idols.
I want to be the type of person
who picks people up
when they're down
and looking to the ground.
I want to be the type of person
who can be depended on
and is like a rock
for those who are crumbling.
I want to be the type of person
who does the right things
and who has a good sense
of judgment and justice.
I want to be the type of person
who is loved
and won't hesitate
to give love where there is loss.
But most of all
I want to be the type of person
who you love
because you are all that I need to be happy
and when I'm around you
I don't have to be anybody but myself.

Only I could see her halo
and its heather hinted glow
as she pushed a cart down aisle eight
and selected a sack of seedless grapes.

I bet her voice sounds smooth like a lullaby,
I bet she bears wings that take her to the sky.
But I'll never know if she really is an angel,
because girls like her don't dance with devils.

Having more to live for
makes me want to live even less

I want you dead.
That thought constantly crawling in my head.
I have never hated anybody
until the day you laid eyes on me.

From my first day of life
you've caused me nothing but strife.
You've always been there,
but I know you don't care.
All you've done is chain me down.
You say you love me, but you want me to drown.

You hit me and you mock me,
you take away my ecstasy.
I'm constantly looking behind my back,
afraid, if I step wrong, I'll get smacked.

I hate you so much
I shiver at even your touch
or the sound of your booming voice.
Oh, If you died I'd rejoice
and the angels would sing from heaven!

Sometimes I feel driven
to do the world a favor.
Hell, if I was braver
I would have fulfilled this very vision.

That is, if I wouldn't go to prison...

I'm so stressed out
I can barely breathe,
because all these problems
keep pressing on me,
there's this ache in my heart
that tells me to try,
when every path has a problem
no matter how hard I pry.
I'm ****** no matter what I decide.

This place is a home
even though it doesn't have walls.
It's the place I can run to
when the demons won't
stop swirling in my head
like a tornado turning the wrong way.
It's the place I can shelter from the storm
even though there is no roof to keep me warm.
It's fate that I came across this place.
No matter how long I stray away
I always come back.
I'm drawn to this place like a moth to light,
like a phene to nicotine.
Hell, I'd probably be dead in a ditch today
if this place hadn't of let me stay
where I won't freeze to death,
where I don't have to fight the thoughts in my head,
where I am sure I'll be safe.
I'll always be thankful for this place,
because it's my one and only escape.

You're an achiever,
a go-getter.
You grab the world by the horns,
you direct the ocean waves
you can do anything,
have anything you want.
That's just a part of who you are,
always needing more,
constantly starving
and striving to be
stronger and braver and smarter,
which is why I'll never be
good enough for you.

"You can't love someone who never had a heart to begin with"

I've lost everyone
and everything I love,
I've been broken down,
I'm nothing but an empty shell.
This place is purgatory,
I'd rather be in hell,
at least then the blazing flames
would make me feel something
even if all I felt was pain,
because right now
I'm nothing but an empty shell
that feels nothing for nobody.

He comes to me in the night,
a black, looming mass
that merges with the shadows.
The headlights from the passing cars
through the window make him dance,
giving him movement
as if he were alive.
He tiptoed his way to my bed
to tower over me,
a pair of blood red eyes
shining through the shadows,
piercing through my soul,
reading my every thought.
And that's when the figure began to change,
the shadows twisting,
and turning,
and transforming.
First it was an arm, then a foot,
and then the figure
turned into something more familiar.
It had your devious grin,
your sinister voice,
your icy touch.
"I missed you," it said with a voice of silk.
It traced the edge of my face with a finger,
its eyes full of hunger, its heart full of evil.
"Did you miss me?"
In that moment I knew I was already dead.
I squeezed my eyes shut and screamed,
my heart slamming into my stomach.
I never woke up.

They say the truth sets you free,
but it only puts me in chains,
roots me like a tree
no matter what society claims.

Sometimes I start thinking
What if I had lied?
Would I still be sitting here sinking?
Would you not have cried?

Sometimes some things
should be taken to the grave.
Because the truth hurts, it stings.
I never said I was brave...

I want to talk to you
but I can't.

It would be too awkward
with the looming elephant
in the room,
the thing that divided us
like the sun and the moon.

The chasm between us is only widening
with each passing day
because I find it frightening
just to look you in the eye
because of the things I've done.

And because of my mistakes
I am no longer the one
who gets to hold you tight.
I'm the reason
that I sleep alone at night...

"Do you think he's hot?"
a girl said to me, pushing her phone in my face.
The picture was of a guy standing in the mirror,
his shirt off and his hair tugged up with product,
the type of guy girls would worship.
"No," ​I said, because I didn't like lying to people.
"He's not my type."
The girl  just shrugged me off and turned to
show the picture to the girl next to me.
But little did that girl know
that while she was worshiping the guy on her screen,
I was busy worshiping the girl next to me.
I think I might be a little gay..

"I wish you didn't exist," he texted.
Even though I was unable to see his face
unable to see his eyebrows smushed together
to hear the frost in his voice
I knew he meant it.
He always meant these sorts of things

"Stupid."
"Annoying."
"*****."
"*****."

I've tried for almost as long as I can remember
to let those words bounce off of me
to walk through the fire
and still come out unscathed
but after awhile "*****"
starts to sound like "Babe"
and "I hate you"
sounds similar to
"I love you"

I've agreed with every word
that's ever came out of his mouth
memorized it,
written it down,
taken it to heart
so he wouldn't tower over me
belittle me
so he would stop just long enough-
so I could catch my breath

So when he said, "I wish you didn't exist"
I responded with,
"What do you think my headstone should say?"

This world feels too small
even though there are seven continents
and five, frothing oceans,
maybe I just feel small
because people today don't touch
each other's hearts the way they used to,
instead, we go through every social setting
without so much as sharing a smile with another,
we no longer lift each other up
when we feel sad or lonely or small,
we just sit and stare down at our phones,
no, that's not loving at all,
that's just lonely,
and that's the last thing I want to be.

As we stared down at my bed,
the unrumpled sheets military made
awful thoughts ran though my head
and refused to fade away.
We took off each other's clothes,
my hands shaking like leaves
and right before he laid me down I froze
"I don't think I can do it," I breathed.
And that's when he pulled me in close,
our bodies throbbing with heat,
and that's when I realized I loved him the most,
that he was the one that made me complete.
And as he gently lowered me onto the sheets
the fears I had felt began to retreat...

On the verge of tears.
I never cry in front of people.
I haven't in years.

But then there was you
who didn't know
when to let things go.
Then there was you
who continued to poke the stick
at the bear
like it'd do the trick,
like it'd make me feel better
instead of under the weather.

Every time people pry
I cry.
I explode,
going full throttle
down the wrong road.

Then you wonder why I'm upset
when you were the one who wouldn't let
me be in peace.
Jeez...

Stay in bed
give up on life
shower in dread
never thrive
keep a frown
roll your eyes
and always drown
in your cries

Or you could live
find a smile
forget the sin
swallow the bile
look at the best
instead of the worst
know your blessed
to outlive this curse

If they say you get
a penny for your thoughts
wouldn't I be a millionaire by now?

Do you like her more
because she's more talkative?
Because she comes as blunt as a pencil
but with words that stab like a knife?
Do I need to change
in order for you to like me?

Because I know when you look at me all you see
is someone who is not her.
Someone that is not worth your affection and time.

Your actions stab me like a knife.
Stab.
when I saw you two walking together.
Stab.
when I heard you tell her she was beautiful.
Stab.
When I smelled the remnants of her perfume on you.

You're killing me slowly,
never hitting a major artery,
always torturing me.

Self love.
Something I'm incapable of.

I'm like a jigsaw puzzle,
I'm worthless without others
surrounding me.
Others who make me look more
interesting, and kinder, and funnier
than I really am.

Because deep down I'm
a scared little girl with eyes
so wide you can see the whites.
A naive little girl who
falls in love and
gets trapped like a fly
stuck in a spider's web.
A brat of a little girl who is
too ignorant and too quick
to question and judge others.

Self love.
Something I will never be capable of.
Because I will never accept
the person I really am.

Because I despise myself more
than I despise my worst enemy

our clothes flung to the floor
my bedsheets rumpled
our hearts racing
my hands shaking

Our bodies intertwined
his voice soft
our awkward laughs
his hungry gaze

our fumbling fingers
my hushed moans
our love shining
his beautiful smile

They say you don't know
what you're missing
until it's gone.
Except when I lost her,
it made me realize
that I have nothing.
I'm walking this road alone,
but the wind isn't at my back,
and when I reach my destination
there will be no one to meet me
in an embrace that makes
living this life worth it.

It's been near a year
but I still miss you.
You hate my guts
but I still love you.

I should have known
you didn't miss me
when you went days
without speaking to me.
I should have known
you didn't love me
when you didn't take the time to know
my brain like you did my body.

But now you're gone.

My bed is empty and cold.
But I don't care about that.
I miss the laughs and smiles
that I had to work to get out of you.
I loved the way your eyes lit up
when you talked about something you loved.

And now I know that something
was never going to be me.

When we broke up you never gave
any sort of apology for the things you did,
but instead you said

"Well, at least the *** was great."

Thoughts are loud,
voice is quiet.
I'd do anything
to break this silence.
Except speak.
Because my thoughts get tangled,
my words sound mangled,
and then I end up sounding like an idiot
who can't even remember their own name.
And who is to blame?
My anxiety!!!