Cleaning up shattered glass
****** limbs cuts secreted into
What is existing and living right now.

Woke up this morning, full circle
Feelin' just like I did that morning
I filmed bumble bees
Camera was sorta blurry
You snapped pictures of me
With your bad attitude
But my room mate tells me
We are done talking about you.

Agreed.
And I make note, I drive stakes into the ground
Of the garden of my life
Noting and denoting just how
Over come from it all I am.

Gotta just write be cathartic real quick
Lets hit the beach and finish this ***** up
Money comes and goes places
Let reinvent just how southern status and hierarchy works
I sent a selfie to my father hoping you would see
Just be proud of me.

It feels amazing outside
Things are changing, starting, going
Sickness and a raspy feeling in my throat
Remains but I have so little time to care
Exhale.
Inhale.

Exhale.
Inhale.
Lets go for a run.

My first screening while living in Chicago < Halloween Night

You cheated on me the night before my screening.

When I was in my darkest and most raw moment.

You decided.

But then you didn't even
Dress up in the blades I bought you on Amazon
Wolverine
For all hallows eve.

So I went to sleep in blue paint with another man while rolling on ecstasy for the first time that night.

You overheard and were so angry.

But you didn't come to my screening.
I cried all the way home over the phone
When you revealed what you had done.


The utmost betrayal.

I thought of a singular poetic phrase that perfectly encapsulated all feeling

And then all at once, forgot it all.

Just about swallowed a mouthful
Of ginger
I'm so ******* tired.

Its good, its sweet, I sweat
Without glistening
Fires, I sent them all around me
Dancing in the center
The movie star of my own life
I've seen my leading man
Fall through pits in the ground
I stop sometimes, take a deep look, trying to fish them out
Until an army of beautiful distractions
Pulled me away.

Decided to stay in tonight
Cathartically luxuriate in solitude
Beautiful words exchanged next to an atm
I snap photos of my friends
In our own way
We are all up here
Naked
Getting body painted.

Whiskey ginger
A man that likes my best friend
Called me last night
Beautiful Innovator and I laid on my gypsy bed
I talked about you.

Dodging bullet
I sop and stamp out mud
The mud that sank deep into my pores
Your new girls best friend was out with us last night
And she ******* dug me.

Twirling, twirling in red, blue, and white
Sometimes--I'll think back
To just how you wanted your voice to sound
"Thats what we do"
As if chewing on a toothpick
The toothpick of everything you wanted me to be
So that you could cower and hide
In your lack of
Your lack of
Your lack of

To connect.
To build.
Two of my favorite things in this entire world.

Ain't no man out there that can take that from me.

A beautiful woman caught my eye last night
She hung a tree glued into a bullet shell around my neck
The string broke the next morning
I took it off for work
And hung it on my polaroids and special trinkets
She said it guarded against darkness and death
What a year its been.

We gotta change the date
I guess sentimentality can indeed wait
As those higher up than us command the states
My voice still so raspy
I put certain things away
Can't afford that
Can't afford that
But most of the time I feel so good in the pits of my soul
But sometimes at work
I catch myself feeling so much hurt.

The hurt.
Shall we address it?
Or keep it as a little secret
A secret hidden in the crevices of a music box
That I am sure you now too, store under your bed
Or the treaty gift I gave you
Just around Valentine's day
A new man once again
Sleeps in my bed.

Dark like the epitome of the night
He cuddled me all night
I woke from a strangling sensation
Anxiety overwhelming me
He woke up too, reassured me
Held me
Remember
Remember
Don't you remember
I try to forget.

Its whatever.
It didn't last for that long
You were a fake, a mistake
Threw me away within minutes
"**** boy"
Hung across every room
It trickles and weighs in the sockets of my eyeballs
At times
But then I do, I remember
A series of negative harmful cards
Played out in front of my eyes
As if I were to never escape
"Is there anything I should know, or warn her about"
Your new girlfriends best friend asked me
"God bless."
Was all I really said.

Silence.
There truly is something golden about silence.
I wasn't kidding when I told you
One day you would have to see my name everywhere
But may God bless.

I'm so tired.
Theres so much to be done, to do
Chicago whirls and whispers just like the wind
I remember standing in East Lakeview
My father took pictures of me
Not much has changed
But then
Everything has changed.

Lets let it be a lesson
I don't know where this takes me
I don't want to hate you
But I go get drinks after work
My plans to avoid your presence
And all the ways in which
You made it about you and you and you and you and you
and you and you and you and you and you and you and you and
And
And
and
&

She allowed herself
To be happy.

It's all true
Filling and turning upside down
The hourglass we fill
With hopes, dreams, charisma
I ride on the loud train to work
And as I woke this morning
I felt in the air
Everything is changing.

Summer so near
Full circle full circle
This time last year I wasn't even
Here.

Drinking coffee
Run the register with
Positivity
My voice has temporarily cut out
But I still sing my siren song
The loudest
In the Chicago skyline.

Ocean waves
I get to shoot again this weekend
Nothing turns me on more
Than innovative art.

I'm so single
What fun
Let's frolic in the forest
Buy our tickets
To fantasy.

I run the show.

If I were to run into you
I would gasp.

But I never see you
But I know in my gut
You've seen and passed by
My little blonde head
Because you really look.

The transfiguration
Swans looming and attempting to fly
I give myself love, love
Love.

Wanna be wealthy
But I consume paint drops
I'm not lost
I'm on a journey.

I don't know
That I've ever been so
Loved.

Big city dreaming
New faces and chasin'
The pavement that I kick up
With bare Alabamian feet
Toes that leave intricate marks behind
FaceTime my old life in coffee shops
As my new life sits next to me
But it all sits next to me
Holds me close, so dear.

We drew pictures tonight
I think mine encapsulated the interior of my
Chaotic, monstrously colorful mind
We all hold hands together
Talking quickly and with such passionate intensity
We wanna make a difference, feels so good
We shed our skin, our art, our everything
Hustling during the day to get by
I try to remain positive in my darkest times.

A girlfriend of mine shared my post
And referenced me and a group of people as lost
And I know she meant no harm, she's one of the bravest
But it scratched away at something in my gut
That made me feel tired, hurt, and so stupid
But I shed my skin
I shed my skin.

One of the boys and I drank whiskey
As we drew the pictures and examined
The idea of man and woman
So innocent, so platonic
He asked me just now for a picture of my profile
Because he is looking for interesting faces to draw.

All my life I've twirled in pretty dresses
Arm in arm carried and loved, love
I see and examine the way other humans look at me
And I wonder and see through a different lens
Now the self awareness I hold so true.

I grate ginger tea
Messages fill my inbox or replied comments
Baring the sweetest, most sincere words
Urging me to keep going
And for probably the second moment in my life
Only
I believe them.

Lets bookmark this moment
In April, when this time last year
I dreamed and longed for newness
Kicking the pavement there
I compared it tonight
To running out of rope
A metaphor just so easily
Falls from my lips these days
Sometimes I speak and surprise myself.

I've been thinking a lot lately
That women
We, us, women
We are the closest thing to heaven
On this earth.

I dreamed last night
With half open, half closed
Moon eyes
That place we hibernate
But seldom go
In between the tippy toes of slumber
And a death like sleep
That the smallest naked white creature
Crawled and inched up onto my bed
Nestled its head into my chest
As I slept.

I remember in the clouds
Of visiting sleeping and dreaming
That I felt both love and hate
Fear and joy
I wanted to throw the thing off
But also realized with strangeness
That it meant well.

I guess in a lot of ways
That exact point seems to reverb all around me
As I dash, sprint past it and swing right into:

Arm in arm
We glide through the city of Chicago
The weekends are my time to frolic and play.

I get hugs and faces embrace me
Like I'm meant to stay
At least for now.

But there is something to it
There is something here
In the building, the fleshing
The sweating and carrying
That absolutely has me hooked.

Its been a tough time.
My eyes are so heavy, voice sounds just like
Boyhood, sickness has at last
Told me once again
To slow down.

So I did and I do
For a moment, just enough to recover
The weather reflecting my mood
And I start to think and ponder
And just know.
I don't even have to entertain it.

I can't wait until you don't even appear in my poetry anymore.

Soon.

It has been a time
As horse drawn carriages
Tied to dragons laying their eggs
Hatching ravenous fiery vixens
We challenge the world around us
I challenge the world around us
But not with hate.

At last,
I went to a bar in Chicago
I had been trying to go to since my 25th birthday
I lamented this in the cab on the way there
As the cab driver so charmingly commented: "You shoulda called me!"

I got ice cream this evening
By myself
Because I wanted to.

I left my cell phone in my bedroom
Because I wanted to.

I stood in line for a long time
Muddy weather blues got everyone in the mood
For bed. For Ice cream.
I watched the women and men working there
Working so hard with so little effort
The groups of people standing around
Deciding how many scoops of mint banana
Cherry chocolate covered fudge
Self love
They were gonna give themselves today.

My mind went back and forth about all my options
Trying to be cheaper, healthier
At long last
Flavors: Coffee. Chocolate.
Sprinkles.
Waffle cone.
Chocolate fudge on the side.

I ate and licked it up
Like I hadn't had *** in weeks.
True.

I brought home a stranger
Friday night, he was nice bought us all tacos
But there is just something about a connection
Thats gotta be there for me.

Beautiful Innovator and I bat our eye lashes
Table this conversation
What a beautiful black man.
"We are artist friends first"
Who knows.
Not me.
So aware of the connection, tension

Wolf Man licks his lips from afar
As I exclaim to all my women in the back seat of the uber
"He bettah get his **** togetha cuz I'm gonna end up his boss"
True.

I don't know.
I stood in line at the ice cream shop
And saw a flyer of The Flick by Annie Baker
I haven't done theatre since October
Since the closing night that you fell
Fell, fell on your face
Were too drunk to go out
Showed me post it notes on my wall
Proclaiming you would be a part of the rest of my life
You pulled me aside and told me how proud you were
"I don't think you will even have time to settle down. Your life is going to be everything you want it to be and more. You are too brilliant for your own good."
As if hearing those blurry words through the face of a ghost
They so quickly transformed into:    


Silence.
I give you my worst
Silence.
You were so wrong about the part you would play in my life.

Perhaps things will improve
But it won't be because I slaved away to make it better
I gave up on that almost 2 months ago
"He is doing what he is doing because he can't be alone and deal with the fact that he is still in love with you."

I ate all my ice cream.
I'm gonna watch V For Vendetta now
I got **** to do tomorrow.
And even though some of this hurts
And I think back to that rat
That warning

I opened my eyes
No rat to be found.

Was doin' so well, so strong
What does the word strong even really mean
Bows and arrows on my back
A moon stamped forever whenever people ask
I say for my Philadelphia women.

Swan legs
Today it did hit me like an avalanche
And somehow in the last few hours
As I perused and watched over the art
That I've made with my bare hands
I realized it all makes sense.

I know you are angry
And secretly very sad
The women around me judge your madness
Your own best friends tell me I'm better off
I was feeling so resilient, so brave
And something today
Perhaps carried over from Friday night
When I tried to reach you
And realized I no longer could
So I slept in all my paint.

Theres no man to take the shoes off my weary feet
At this singular moment
I don't have a love to be frustrated with for his attitude
But I cooked myself a real nice dinner
Gabbing and venting on the phone
I go to bed alone.

I stayed up late tonight
To get it all done.
And it makes me think back to how impatient you would become
One time, only once
After we were all over
If only for that fleeting moment did we act like
We
"Obviously loved each other"
Note: e-d
LovED
LovED
Past tense.
I reread it and read it
I felt the ****** urge to cry
But the well up inside me
Could only let out a whiff or weeze or two.
I try to think of quotes now or poetic words
To tagline my movie that so clearly is gutted with us
But really,
Not really.

I see now in my minds eye
Yes, you absolutely did me wrong
My mother becomes heated and repeated
On the phone as I travel underground
I look around at my colorful life
Filled with spontaneity, holy hell so much newness
I'm starting to really settle settle in here
And not in that gross comfortable way
Everyone is right
You were just a harmful distraction.

But the feelings and reality now
Is that I must face that you have so hastily moved on
Slapped a sandwich with too much mayo
And forgotten your lettuce
But I'll always be a spinach girl.

Sour gummy worms
Combos cheddar cheese
Lime lemon gatorade
Ninja Turtles
Marty McFly
Your very favorite things.

Thats all I can think of.
I fell asleep last night thinking
How we watched Candy
And then we too,
Disintegrated.

I wish I could say that I hope you are happy
But I feel mostly regret, sadness, anger
The utmost betrayal
And it makes me think and ponder
How easy it is to get caught up
In all of those very words
In all of those very feelings
And it reminds me of being a 14 year old girl
Locking myself in my bathroom
Wanting my life to end
Because the first love of my life
Had seemed to have completely disappeared.

I don't know what any of it means
You made the comment once that my poems
Were getting longer
This one may be the longest in quite some time.

And it feels so good to write
It feels so good to visually create the words
I hear all day long in my head
But most of the time I don't even write
All the phrases and voices
Poetic intricacies
Down.

Periwinkle sweatshirt
******* how it hurt
I think back to the moments you really fawned over me
Crazy colorful hair
Or the night I danced at the Gentleman's Club
Tacky?
Tacky.

So I guess this new woman sleeps in your bed
Probably every other night
You stay at her place
I am sure you create dividing lines
Of you and her
Her and you
Perhaps she keeps her mouth shut
I heard she was nothin' special
A vape model
I don't even know what that means.

Remember when
You claimed I would someday be your wife?

Good riddance
Everyone close to me in my life hates you.
Its really quite a shame
I don't know what the future holds
But you don't even want to be friends
But its a retort, a threat
Filled with too much ***** and immaturity
Or all of the post it notes you never wrote me
I remembered dumping out the bottle of red wine today
And felt so glad, so glad
I followed my gut instinct
To pour your remains into
The drain
God bless. God bless.
I say in my most southern way.
I'll look back at this and laugh very soon
As times right this moment definitely border
The most difficult in my womanhood
Everything use to be
Everything just is
So big, so loud, so complex
So full

And sometimes I just don't want to leave the safety of my room.
But tomorrow is a new day
I'll pray to the moon, the stars
I'm so glad you aren't meant to be my sun king
But good try, good try
We can all laugh like bobble heads on fire
You couldn't keep up.
I was told today
And thats okay
Because I know you grip and sweat spite

Because I'll always be
Not just "The One"
Or the woman who told you not to call me "girl"
"Beautiful girl"
Or all of the phrases you so clearly
Recycled and used to swoon before
But I'll just be and always remain
A beautiful, biggest romantic love of your life
Literal ink stain

The swan that got away.

Cleanse the palette
Out all the toxins
Write it out
Dance it out
Sit and wallow it out
I white out things that are changing
Create ink where there are new plans
But today, I just wanna sit in my bed and be productive.

Its been a time.
11 months is the score
This time last year I fretted and waited for answers
I don't wait for answers anymore.

I hit a point of running the cash register
Pouring soups, delivering food
Where I saw the flashes and images
Of you with your newness in my mind
I felt so angry, so betrayed
And it makes me want to scream at the heavens
At them all
I have done nothing but date pigs.

The sun seems to peeking from under the clouds now
But my insides still feel the same remorse.

You blended into the wall paper
Of what you thought I wanted, needed
Our mothers said you longed to be of the same caliber
I can't believe I let you back into my bed
So many ******* times.

I long and whistle and wait for the summer time
I'll be just my own
But can't help and remember stolen traffic cones
Or how adventurously handsome you seemed
And portrayed yourself to be
As you replace, replace, replace
Step and repeat, rinse me away
A swamp of faces telling me how much I mean
But surrounding your deceit and immature ways
Because of ******* history.
And like a hooded ***** witch
I cast knowing spells, my hands in the air

You will all be torn apart in time
You will all have to go your own way as clocks tick by
This cult, fraternity that you sit upon
Filled with lies, cheating, backstabbing
It will all fall.

But I send my love and well to do kisses.


I HATE myself for falling for it.
I hate myself for not listening to warnings
I hate myself for believing you were unique
I hate myself for giving you a chance again and again
I hate myself for wanting so much
From someone who could give so little
Somedays I soar
Somedays I grieve so deeply
Somedays I hate you and hate you and hate you
And somedays
None of the poetry or the character you played
To rope me in
Matters at all.

You are just like a brick wall.

But now there is a barrier
A barrier in which you have attempted to replace, erase
Me, this time last week I had such a huge kick in my step
My body painted with fresh coats of paint
I drank so much whiskey until I couldn't feel anymore
But I was too drunk to reach you.

Thank God.

Because you are unreachable
I wish I didn't feel pain anymore
And I mostly have been so good, so alive, so radiant
But today, today
I wanted to shake you and hate you
And I do from afar.

Time to write it out in more blue ink
I cancel plans because I want my own company
I'm ready for change
A new comforter, new sheets, new chest of drawers
A little place we can play in our cobwebs of art and poetry
Its too bad yet another one had to be a disappointment.

Lost love
Abandoned love
Lying love
Deceptive love
I wonder if you replay the image of my face on the train
When I decided to fully push you away.

**** it.
**** it all.
What an unlady like thing for me to say
I wanna be the best
I wanna be the most popular
I wanna be the most successful

But I put my cross down of giving and hurting
I nod at the sunshine peeking out from the clouds
All my poems seem to come full circle
And end with me picking and lifting myself
Back out of the rabbit hole
I'm all I really got.

My body shut down this week
Creaking and hinging doors resounding
Shutting and clamoring down
Seemed so hopeful for a split second
Felt good to discuss, intellect swimming
Confetti started to fill the room
My eyes, but its been hard to leave the bed
My body shut down.

Sitting on the chair in the doctors office
I get lost in my own fields
Paint brushes, forgotten kisses
Words I make myself speak
Life much too short to keep sounds.

He's goin' through a break up
Grief in his voice, I let him go too
Wasn't fun or what I wanted to do
But I see pictures of the past with his new girlfriend
And I'm such a lover of women
But that girl is ******* ratchet.

"I tried to tell you. I warned you."
I hold hands and make my own profound way
Thankful for the business
That tomorrow and the rest of eternity will bring
I don't got time to be sad
But I allowed the weather to reflect my innermost state
On this day, my body feels so heavy, fatigued
Its too bad cuz our connection was real deep.

I felt apprehensive
Just 'bout cookin' you a meal
And I think really
Its about where I'm at
Not interested if a future isn't on the table
And right now, I can't cook for two
Not cuz I can't afford it, although thats real too
But because the thought of catering
Caring, sweeping
For another

I just can't do it.
I'm too tired, too weary
I've extended and given so much of myself away

So I take a hot breath in
Release another one out
This is truly the most alone I've ever been.

I become friends with it.
I stand and look it right in the eye
I don't deny my feelings inside
Or shut my mouth to make you or you comfortable
But I persist, I chase the wind
I shut the **** up about ticking clocks
Or just how you forgot
What was next to you.

Who ******* cares
Not me
I don't have time to.

He will show up
When its right.

Our lips have yet to kiss
We develop our connection, intimate
Calling you on the phone so refreshing
We touched and cuddled under the blanket
After we, in unison made the same sound
Your words so intricate, poignant
I can't even repeat or paraphrase them back.

I was born in the wrong decade you say
You prolifically take in me, my art, my insides
Discussing them and listening
With a rapid ear to the earth
I try not to compare and contrast my past
Its an added bonus if it becomes romantic
You said, comparing that to ice cream, a sunday
Surprised by your immense patience, understanding
I'm in that place where I need a minute
We discuss how we are in a relationship with ourselves
With our careers
I smile sincerely as you curate and deeply discuss
Actively listening, glistening.

My mama just about ruined it for me
"He's black."
She said to me over the phone.
It was just like a megaphone had been taken over
By a group of aliens
They gargled and salted our flesh
Judging and caging us, attempting to restrict
Connection, depth
I stood up for you, for me, for all of us
We couldn't even discuss how my weekend had gone
The disappointment and mourning in her tone
Because your skin just happens to be
Several shades darker than mine.

I don't get it
And I don't like it.
It reminds me of when I was in high school
A boy named JJ kissed me up against a wall
He was the all star athlete
I was the art queen
The Southerns whispered behind our backs
You had a red rose on the front seat of the passenger seat for me
You were immature and too silly for me, in the end
But I'll never forget the deep heart break
And young trauma
Of being told by my father
That I would ruin the family
Get my little brother bullied
If I went to the dance with you.

And maybe my father was right
And maybe he was deeply wrong
And maybe if we had all fiercely stood together
We could have made a strong dent
In the history and repression
Of the deep south.

25 years old
And its like I'm being told once again
Not to go to the ball
I told my mama its highly possible
I may not end up with a white man.

I don't know.
I never seem to right this moment
But Chicago is so cultured, so diverse, so
Just filled with art and people
Surrounded by new faces and places everyday
Its really, truly
Very overwhelming.

"He's black."
He's black
He's black
As if this fact were shameful
Or a reason for me to run.

But mama
I've run all my life
I've spent my years running
And I don't know what this man
Or what anything means right now
But I'm tired of running.

Could have gone and twirled
In about 12 different places, faces
Tonight
I realize with a nod
That The Wolf was just a **** fun rebound
Distraction, and I knew it
I knew it well
So why feel any remorse at all
My heart and my stomach feels very little.

Intimate strong feelings revealed on set
Wine eyes, you are the blackest night sky
But we can kick it, I'll always be your homie
Feels so good to discuss intellectually
You always got an interesting way of looking at things
I don't gotta feel rushed or like I must
Have all the answers and my whole life
In a pretty bow, a spoon full of sugar
Diamond ring, the past won't say anything
And thank god for that.

I brush my teeth at night
And wince sometimes
When I remember how my room mate
Threw your tooth brush away
For me?
Cuz of me?
Cuz of you?
She said it so bitterly.
We use to be friends
But now she acts like I'm the enemy.

Maybe I am.
The enemy of you and your handle of Fireball
I tried and couldn't help but make you something deeper
Thicker, I pulled you away from a fraternity
Striving to get you alongside me
We rode on a ferris wheel, you bought me my Chicago sweat shirt
Everything so new, so intune
So in love
We thought
I thought
And as this movie comes to a close
I watch you fully go
And I'm so ******* glad.

I've been thinkin'
Round the date of the premiere
I might be able to stand you again
Be in the same room, without looking for anything
The Boys lament, they want me around
Summer, summer won't be the same
They grab my hand, look into my face
They warned me about you, they say
The warm and the platonic love
They are glad to see my fully go my own way
And we know, this fraternity, cult
I dreamed you up one night
I remember it so well
I called it Hobble Cage
And it was. I hobbled and I bobbled
Around the cage I thought I could stay
But no longer play in.

But things change.
I see pictures of your new ******* the internet
But she ain't got no Facebook
She's not a lady, she's not delicate or pretty
My best friend says you so clearly strayed away
And found the opposite of me
Something more in your league
Because its too painful for you to know
To see
You never could
Never really did
Have me.

I don't send you my poetry
Anymore, I felt the need to share it for so long
I see you for who you really are
My heart no longer aches and feels shattered
I think about you in the same category as those before you
Come full circle time, I'll be alright
And I know you, and I know your feelings
But my crying on the street
Stressing how much you mean
Begging you let down your walls
Those days
Will never ever return.

So.
I close my eyes at night
I take my time and choose my energy wisely
Those that desire to knock me down a notch or two
Can't help but feel the pain
But I watch it fly away into the sky
I don't know where this path leads
But I float and I trailblaze down it.

I sneak but with dancing spritely spirit
Dark covered chocolate
My best friend and I exist with radiance and flirtation
Charming the charmed, gem stones falling from our lips
Our little coffee table covered in bohemian scarves.

Beautiful Innovator is in a cab on his way.
I told him earlier I was too tired, too wornt' (if thats a word we can dream up and bounce back and forth, yeh?)
Stimuli overload
But what a beautiful thing, good or bad
Theres always gonna be backlash
And we jump through the hurdles of fire
Even if people straight up *******
Can't even respond n ****.

Back to work tomorrow
Back to work
Back to work
Dollar dollar bills.

But right now. In this moment.
**** it.
**** it all.
I move and continue to glide past what caused so much
Badness
I know I'll be able climb up past the rocks of the cobwebbed
Alabama fields I once would so gentile-y slumber in.

Monday.
Ramble on.

I watched everyone leave and go to the party tonight.
With such love and good intentions
They hugged me and said farewell
"Why can't you come? I wish you were coming."
Such love. Such immense love.

But I couldn't go
I didn't want to go.
Because you are there.

'Bout 33 days now
Ish.
My eyes are so ******* tired
What a weekend
I'm so surrounded by love, fierceness
They grab my hand and say such sweet words
I hope the things I say make sense.

My room mate just spoke to me for the first time in a while
High waisted jeans, she real defensive
I'm so low key, cool collected
Its awfully hard to dislike the woman
Everyone so adores.

But I blow it off, I move past it all
I chose to go the opposite way.

Truly ninjas about it all.

Cannot even fully process or fathom it all
Beautiful Innovator calls me on the phone
I hate to even give this one a name
I hate that they all have names now
Like decayed skeletons or old socks
Piling up in my drawer.

I just didn't really know you.
I didn't.
A photo posted
I remember, I remember
That was the literal worst night of my life.

You expected so much
You were so angry I was so distant
I was disrespected and treated like a stranger
I pushed my **** up so high
I wanted to make you sick
You were never really mine
And I was never really his.

Sleep, once again I long for you
I run around and move backwards
I've never known such positive love
Not sure what to do with all of it.

Not sure what to do with all of it
So I fold it up, I carry it close
For moments or times I feel lost
As I hop in my own car with my own friends
Not connected to the past
The past that longs for hot summers
Full of art and platonic friendship
But I couldn't go sit and look at you
Have you try to have a moment
And showcase your new prospect.

I just am so weary
So wary of it all
But God bless.

Eh.
Not missin' much
Truly.
But I know, you will notice
Everyone came
But I chose to stay away
With nothing but love and self preservation
In my heart.
And in my soul.

At last
A solitary moment
My eyes are so weary and happy.

Like painted colors on fire
Swishing and zooming by
Beautiful heightened moments
I look around me and the pit of my stomach
So full of warmth, the deepest love
I'm here, doing exactly what I am meant to be doing.

Leaping off the stage
I took myself home last night
I tried to find and scrounge your name
But I was too drink
To figure out how to unblock you.

My women, my ladies
They hold me accountable and lift me up
My face radiates with moon beams and sunshines
Even on my cloudy days
Because life is always better when surrounded with joy.

I heard you weren't gonna come tomorrow night

And I'm glad.

The truth is
Its easier to decide to not like you
And a part of me is sorry
I'm even writing about you.

But maybe I'm not.

Sleep, sleep you are so near
I'll greet the sun tomorrow
I talk to myself, chant and cheer
"Everything is great. You are wonderful."
Self love medicate.

I don't know.
I feel like I think that phrase often
But I jump and dive into it all
With an open heart, open lungs, open eyes
I coach myself through the hard times
And I know I can't be perfect all the **** time
I stop searching for my soul mate
As my dark haired raven women around me
And my Philly moon army blows kisses from their incredible lives
The word beauty is not even enough to encompass it all.


Living and existing
Do it with the utmost love.

Reckon this is just kinda how it's gonna roll, roll down the rainy Windows outside the worm hole cafe

Every weekend gonna be big
It was so much easier to just
Hold the camera in my hands
Just my 3 sisters and me
But it's about scope
I urge and persuade
I nod and calm my nerves
To Animal Collective
Sitting in a blue lounge chair

Probably just need to get ****** pretty soon.

But I feel so, feel so
Asexual.

Backless dress, so inviting
We hum across ocean waves
What makes me special?
Does anything I do actually matter?
I turn my music up louder.

Nod. Nod. Remember remember.
I don't know
I don't know
Early 20s.
Modern day flapper
Movie maker.

I went from dedicating poetic words
To him
Nope scoot over
Him
Door shut so unexpectantly
Him
Nope. He's gone too.
Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye.
Cya.

I give away charms and gems
Like the facade of espresso I drank
It tasted so bad
But I bought a beautiful necklace
A treat a treat a treat.

Let's go.
In time.
My prince will come
I'm Cinderella at the ****** ball
But my shoes
I never lose any of them.

Jittery anxiety.
Friday, ******* Friday.

I listen to an old play list and shake my head
SMH. SMH. SMH.
We abbreviate and indicate
Just how the spring sunshine feels.

Gotta get painted up tonight like a canvas
I run and I run through fire clad hoops
Sprinting and leaping right through them
But don't ******* add me back to the group
Cuz I don't trust either of us.

I talk to myself in a frenzy in the shower
Maybe **** will help make me feel calmer
Big, big weekend.

And it makes me think back to the time
The little mansion, vineyard
Happy April ******* fools
We talked about buying a dog
In my green beanie, our bed & breakfast
One of the many loves of my life
That I so graciously
Watched echo and blur
Right out the door.

I've made vibrating art out of it all
And I'll always do so.

Didn't mean to disappoint or frustrate that artist
But ain't had nothin' to do with me
I'm kickin' and swimming in my own current
Motherfuckahs.

But I should watch my jargon, my speak
But all I can really do is be me.

My eyes are tired
Work wants me to work more
But I need time, gotta have time
I hand out flyers, a big grin on my face
I don't know what I want.

That seems to be the through line in these little 11 months
Happy April Fools.

My women and I
Our swords blaze up in fiery glory
Our shields made up of fancy homemade meals and lace
Our helmets vine leaves and four leaf clovers
I ride atop a unicorn
Shouting triumphant beauty and red roses.

Happy Friday & April Fools
I blow dry my hair, paint my face
Paint my body, I'm one to notice.

I move and leap through hoops of fire.

With icy crystal clear melting sunshine
She and the wind became one.

One breathing pulsing beating hope, entity.

Replay certain songs that make the heart want to run.

Placing on an eye mask at night to force the darkness of sleep
4 nights in a row now, I have dreamed of them all

And it hit me like the wind swelling and urging me on
Its not just him. I'm not all that angry or hurt at him.
Its the combination, accumulation
The loss of it, of them all.

Dreams reordering and shining a light on things
Too real, too real
I open my eyes as if I am Scrooge
Revisiting the ghosts and realities of my past
I don't have to be so angry
I don't have to ache
I don't have to hurt so much, so deeply
Its part of who I am now
But its not any one thing

And surely thats gotta be the wilting and glistening cherry
To the tippy top of the cake labeled
"Disappointing Love"

Now let us throw the cake away
And feed it to no one.

Thirsty Thursday
But tonight, I thurst for myself.

Stretched thin, tryn' stretch me thinner
I look in the mirror and think
Too much chocolate peanut butter
But I'm so ravenous after long days
I'm so ravenous, all the time
Got about 16 dollars to my name.

Mama doesn't talk to me for long increments of time
I come to wonder if she's just really livin' her life
Don't wanna listen or hear me talk about
Heart
Heart
Broken
Ah. Not so broken anymore.

Happy 11 month anniversary to me!!
Truly, really.
Chicago, I've almost had you for a whole year.
One of the boys texts me sweetly, like a dear friend
"Still feel like the new girl?"
"Like the new girl takin' over the city ;)"
And he replies: Yes m'am.

Swarms of paint and encouragement
But its the little things that take away
Don't let me lose this stupid job.
Don't let me trample this opportunity
Don't let me revert to old ways
Don't really wanna have a house meeting
But I know it, I know it good
There ain't nothing I can't get through.

Come a long ******' way
In just 11 months.

I contemplated and scientifically time lined a bit
Its hard to even remember what I said now.

Peter Pan.
I miss you sometimes.
But mostly I don't.
The thought of letting you back in terrifies me
So I kindly refute parties, gatherings
I heard you don't trust yourself around me either
And I think, I see in my heart, mind
What hurts is seeing the look in your face
When you see me.
THATS. Thats what I fell in love with.

"I wish you could see yourself the way I see you."
Thats it. Thats all.
It was never really you.
But the reflection back at me
Just like that moment I took my photo
In your sunglasses
I was so eager to have it all
But I didn't really know you at all.

Sometimes
I'll think back
To you meeting me on your longboard
We were supposed to go get vegan quesadillas
I was so depressed, lost.
I contemplate that time
I remember you were worried I was going to leave you
I think I wanted to, right then
It was such a struggle, all of it.

And I wondered today
How did we go from so good
So deeply interested, in love
To the pits of hell so quickly?
We were so much better over FaceTime.

I'll never fully understand it
But my God, what a story
What a time.

So.
Little pretty princess
Happy 11 month anniversary
You've come a long way you gorgeous queen.
Believe the kind encouraging words those around you
So generously give
Take in the hits, but swim over and past them
Rejoice in the hurt, the pain, the beauty
Don't be terrified little lamb chop dove love
Its you in the end
That writes your tail
Tale.

Welcome to the land of too plenty.

We ride along, sing our hymns
On candy caned carousels
Swipe right, swipe left
We peruse and use the gym
Sweat out our pores
Men and women can certainly be friends
A church choir echoes in quiet refrains.

*** is just an option on the menu
The menu of too, too plenty
Lets take bites of cherry apple sizzling pie
Or the hundreds of times
We didn't text back.

Join us, in the land of plenty
We've got field mines for days
Gesturing in the most sensual ways
How could one possibly ever settle down
If it wasn't for eggs and organs
Demanding a time frame?

Welcome to the land of hella plenty.
Where loneliness ain't such a feat
You could pick up a stranger at just any old bar
Long as you somewhat got an open heart
Open legs, open brain
Nope, no brains.

Here in the land of too plenty
We drink and drugs become your middle name
We've got such elaborate molecule filled beakers
You never have to just choose one.

Stay, live here in the land of plenty
Siren women croon and bite into the mist
Dripping from your inner thighs.

What ever happened to faithfulness?

Tonight my body finds sleep a hassle
I would rather stay up, embellish the night sky
With poetry, my innermost thoughts
Finding such luxury in solitude
Strong, intelligent, bright men turn to me
And all at once I beam and flutter my eyelashes
While twirling in my perpetual pixie skirt.

Finding a new home
The Brotel rampages and carries on
They found my earring in a wall
I haunt the halls, the ***** bathroom stall
Swans squaking and flying overhead
Just like witches on
Broomsticks
They lipsync battle, dance in one place, cards against humanity
Kings cup, who can get the drunkest
As my record player twirls and hisses
Its owner has flown the coop
One night when the toxicity got so bad
I vomited on a wall
But found myself the next 80 times or 2
Waking up smelling like mildew.

And no, I don't really really miss it.
But I see your face and the laughter we all shared
We hoped to be so much
And thats what brought me some simple tears
On my way home tonight
Because at one point
I never thought I could be so happy
Without you.

So here we are.
X marks the spot
Just like I said before
I was right.
My instincts, cha ching ching
Spot on.
I ran, ****, gone
The Gypsy they all called me
But lets get comfortable
And embrace the name
Lemon

I salt and I squeeze
Myself into what I'm meant to do
Finally, finally.

I wish you well
I think of you
But its less and less.

As one of the powerful leaders of the Chicago scene
Embraces me with his dark ambience, effortless sweet
Lets just fall in love, its happening
He says to me, its a jest but so real too
But we know our families would both have a fit.

I don't know.
I don't
I want it all. I want everything.
But I stop searching, looking
Dreaming and dreaming
And allowing those dreams
To take up my mind at 1:32am.

With whimsical, peaceful candor
I floated out of my uber tonight
Bid my driver farewell
I know my face radiates joy, openness, kindness
In a way it has not
In a very, very long time.

Pulled in several directions
My strong feet leap into the air
I imagine and no longer see
Your body dancing next to mine
But its just like I dance in front of the windows
Of my first Chicago apartment, hit record
So free, vivid
The newness bit my lips
I give myself fully over to it again.

High on the beach, I remember just how it all felt
The resentment that welled from my eyes
The first time we had *** again
I walk down the stairs of The Dojo, alone, free
Standing watching the most beautiful black woman
Croon and sing, her keyboard keys speaking
Through an avalanche like mouth
Everything I have encountered, felt, experienced
I ran and I ran and I ran
I've stopped running.

I gazed at myself in the mirror tonight
After washing all of the paint from my face
Combing out long corn husk locks
And I thought in the most vulnerable hymn
"I really am beautiful."

Its not the clothes, or the wild lipstick
Its the act of giving goodness away.

Today it hit me like the painting I ran into
In the small hallway
I am 25 years old. I am getting older.
What do I have to show for it?
What do I have to show for it?
Yet I hear my voice repeat "young"
"Young"
Just shut the **** up babes.
Just shut up.

Anything, anything
Really, truly
Is possible.

I met with a woman today, she asked to catch up, talk film
We discussed, love, relationships, places we have been
Things we have seen
I had moments of voicing my doubt
As faces and strong hands of the newness
I now fully embrace
Reach for me and encourage me

To see myself in the mirror
Corn husk hair
Make up less
Beat up tshirt
Ugly pajama bottoms
No man in my bed
I am beautiful
We are beautiful
Give goodness like a goddess.

I prepare my pillows
To align and be a fort at the center
Of my bed, snuggling into the covers
1:12am, I meant to jot down some thoughts, emotions
I dipped and guzzled
A chocolate Popsicle I covered in peanut butter tonight before red wine
With my new women of the now
Because it's the closest thing I'll get
To romantic and ****** fulfillment
These days.

Could ponder all day long
Why it went this way or that
Or why he looks at my snap chat
But can't cutely retort back
I read and engulf Rupi Kaur's
Poetic words, feeling the weight of
Such authentic vulnerability
Goodness, on trains, before meetings
And I hope I too, can do that
For women
For men
When they need it most.

Tomorrow, X marks the spot
30 days.
It takes 30 days to break habits
And to create new ones
Let's do a thing, we should celebrate
My best friend and room mate exclaims
I come home to her alone
I come home alone
3 young women in their 20s
Close their eyes alone
On Campbell Street.

I worry that my Philly ladies don't quite understand
I try to illustrate it with both hands
Not sure if the support is so inexplicable
No need to showcase it
But sometimes I feel like a butterfly
Caught in its cocoon.

Chicago IS what you make of it
Indeed.
I remember panicking and feeling sadness
I need to go out into the world, I have to go places, meet new people
I lamented so desperately to you
Peter Pan
I write about you Jess and less
And I know it's just a healing scar.

I wonder if you keep the L in your wallet still
Or if the swans sing their lullaby above your bed
And I ponder what would we do if we encountered one another
You riding up the escalator
As I ride down
But I never see you
Though my heart feels confident
You have caught a glimpse or two of me.

Because I know you look
But my head is buried in my book
Or looking out the window
Or talking to a loved one on the phone
That somehow doesn't lose service
Underground
I move and I move
This is the tip of the brink

So be indifferent
Don't respond
Ignore me
Choose teams
Let it be

I sleep in the center of my cocoon.

I think I might smell
Like sweat and spring time techno dub step
Chicago opens its arms with artistic innovation
As the past grumbles and urges me
Past the places we went bowling, shopping, walking
Revamping and redefining life.

I should probably be asleep right now
But I hate sleeping
If I had the choice, I wouldn't do it
Its become increasingly difficult for me to sit still
Long enough to watch, read, or write
Passing through glass to the next thing
With my nimble fingers I piece a life together
Full of the entities needed to survive
Sometimes I feel like such a fool.

I read such specific poetry in coffee shops
My lover pointed out my negative projection
It caught me off guard, but I took it in
I received more love and affection from the artists around me
Than I have ever before in my life
And it wasn't just because of the drugs.

I started to make a list on my way to Philadelphia
And it looked exactly like this:


Things About Me That Have Changed Since I Moved To Chicago:
1.

I wish I didn't feel lost today.

But I do.

Hazy bright glazed over sunshine
Taping new post cards to my wall
Roll out of bed like theres so much to be done
Never having a minute, never having a minute
But you all have to understand
I did what I did because I had to.

Got guilt breathing down my neck tonight
Wishing things could have been different
My room mate lamented last night
"I wish you had never of met him."
We chime and we sing in the warmest of voices
I wish I hadn't either.

Not really sure what the purpose was
Why I had to get burnt so badly for about the 5th time
I cross off more numbers in blueberry ink
I don't text The Wolf today
Because I'm so unavailable.

Mama keeps repeatin' and repeatin' how much
I look like my Grandmother
It brings her such joy
There was a time I felt the same
But lately, so much lately
I just wanna be me.

I don't have anything new to say
Listening to words for hours on end
Increased empathy, love
I roll and I roll
Out of apartment, it felt so cold when I got home
I wonder why or why
Why, he hasn't shared the beauty I wrote
I don't really expect profound responses back.

I need 6 months, thats it
I try to exclaim and make the others understand
I wish I hadn't gotten pummeled the first year.

But I've learned so much
I've grown so much
As pictures of my first love in Philadelphia circuit the internet
I think of how horrible he was to and for me
He can't really be that much better
I remember the rage hidden in that handsome face
Behind perfectly cooked meals and vintage clothes
I've gained and I've lost
I've gained and I've lost.

I can't wait to see pictures of you and not care.

"He's still in love with you"
I'm told in the car on the way to parties
I don't care.
I don't care.
I don't care
Because you couldn't stand next to me.


I think about you a lot tonight
I listened to a song that once brought me such hope
I don't know when I'll be in love again
And it doesn't matter what the context for you anymore is

Because it just doesn't matter
I did all I could do
I've led with nothing but love
And if you are embarrassed, ok
And if you are sick, ok
And if you are saddened, ok
And if you are angry, ok
And if you are still in love

Just leave me be.

Heavy green vivid eyes
Necklace hanging from my neck
Lets find Snowflake, he's the one thats got the in
Costumes and macrame swirling in clouds
Glow in the dark puppet show
The serpent with the face was my favorite.

Drowning in your beard follicles
Sitting on your lap, all pretty
Dancing and twirling as if a can can dancer
You watch me and my sisters of the moon
You all watch me and my sisters of the moon
But we vibrate and race the sky
Because it feels so good to be true
Too
To who we wanna be.

Driving home at that little 6am o'clock time
Filtering past words that got that negative taste
I make haste, pink party dress
I truly dance on my own.

Lets finally, really just bebop this summer
I can sense the barricade between
From me to you, but I make due
Lover, lover
Ain't you thats defining me.

Decaying skeletons pushing through
The almost entirely shut door
New ones open, beaming radiance
A Spanish man illustrated and poured me absinthe
Molly in my other palm, we take it together
We lie across the sheets together
Wet hot spring but I look up at the ceiling, knowing
Flying ******* free.

Chicago is its own orbiting city of sleepless nights
Colorful splatter painted sunrises
We don wigs, costumes
Being whoever we want to be.

I don't wanna delete all that was good
But I contemplate the best way to proceed
Feeling confident 'bout turnin' my phone off tonight.

Business, business
Always caught in transactions
The Wolf leans over the fake grass
But he don't really do PDA he say
As I watch beautiful women croon into microphones
Seat and smile, we laugh at the wildness
The happiest I've been in a very long time.

I suspect I will sleep so hard
As faces bump up toxic fumes
To indicate the past
But like the hourglass I picked up at the check in table
Live painting sans the artist
I've spent a life time trying to make the wrong men right
So I stop teaching, babysitting
Revisiting old tunes, redefining them
What a life to live
What a life I live
Never thought I'd be the woman
Everyone so profusely
Desired to stand next to.

Maybe I haven't discovered true romantic fulfillment
Maybe it has uncovered me
This moment
But I attend art shows
Flowers grow from my ear lobes
Trust, trusting it

The sun goes down from my windowsill
We toast
I toast
The innermost depth and beauty
Of the permeating soul.

Heat up coffee, paint the blues
The most painful part of all
(I thought and wrote in my mind)
Is that you turned out to be
Everything you proclaimed with such veracity
You were not.

Lets put on a play
A little fable, if you will
I'll wear the mermaid tail and crown upon my head
We are the media.

I light my arms, my lips, my chest
Hustling and bustling
Moments of quick positivity
Warning myself from the solitary moments
Where I reside, where we once resided
Someone new lays next to you.

And me too.

But I don't need it,
I don't search or long for it
As you hide behind the branches of your denial
Loss
Big man on campus, such a big man on campus
But I was always more popular than all the boys combined.

Intricate, complex, deep conversations
Over lemon whiskey lime
I continue to reinvent and play
My fingers creating and spawning
I never dreamed, but really
Yes I did.

Saturday night.
Perhaps I'll meet someone cool, interesting
Full of might and armor
Switchblades and fever
Swamp queen Marilyn Monroe
I ghost and host
All around Chicagoland.

I could write and type
About you for 6 months
Eager for it to grow into less and less
I know it will.

This too, shall pass.

(For 6 months I need you to *******.)

I know, that must be
The most painful part of all
For little ole Peter Pan you.

But I've got a hook on my left hand
A scratch over my eye
Long tentacle tendrils
Swashbuckling boots
A smile that could ****
Eyes full of smite and venom
My ship and I set sail.

Could feel it just like
A thorn in my side
The need to cathartically spell out symbols
With red and purple
No maybe, olive green
Liquid.

3 hours of sleep
We prepare ourselves for late night debauchery
My Moon Sisters will never fully understand
Or truly keep up with how different
Wildly outrageous the fire within Chicago grows
And flows through me.

Didn't wanna third wheel tonight
But I'm the most free I've ever been
I don't define myself through the voices and faces
Of men, though Mama & Papa
Gotta comment and state
They are waitin' and hopin' for me to meet someone
Real nice.

But its the furthest thing from my radar
Perhaps visualizing it, wrapped in my own blankets
I was tempted to have a fresh newness
Cooking eggs incorrectly
I feel like I repeat myself
10 times over.

Betray, slay, *******
All things I tampered with
My thin elegant queen hands
I curl my hair and ponder the aesthetic for the night
Honey, honey.

The Wolf places me in between his ravenous claws
But my bite is sharper.

I've been through so much love
So much heartache
Its so easy to place it on a melancholy pedestal
And for the first time in my life
I allow it to free me
What a special, interesting thing.

I knew all along this is what it would take
So I check off numbers, somewhere between sleeping and dreaming
My photographic memory reminds me of my
Lasting and powerful words, when I feel doubt.

It rings so true, just like the Liberty Bell
Cracked down the seams in Philadelphia, PA
I use to chirp and chime down those streets
Until all the fire within me could no longer continue
To ignite the town.

So I went my own way
For the third and not the last time
I ripped off the tentacles attaching me to faces, love
The past that howls my name from time to time
But I don't tread in gasoline.

No, I don't know what I want
What a beautiful thing to celebrate.

Lets be wild, free
Dance into the spring and summer sunshine
Answering to no one.

About every other phrase
Spoken or nonverbal, ticks and swims
Through the vessels and organs of my
Instrument, in poetic intricate manners

My Editor sat across from me tonight
She spoke such wise words, keep doing
Keep doing what you are doing
I crowd myself with self doubt
At my secret, private times
As new faces, I find new places
Echo praises of how I slay dragons
I tame beasts with a sword composed of fire and lace
Dancing with wolves with fangs like icepicks
In only almost 11 months.

I nod and say only what I must
At my day jobs, most of the time
I nod and enjoy being told what to do
I place my heavy weighty brain on autopilot
Dollar signs flashing through my eyes
Ignoring the ticking clock to make it swing and chime by faster
I haven't seen my parents since Christmas.

I should have called home today
But I record words that I twist into silly string
Cultivating new spaces, new faces
When I feel low, I remember how peacefully, beautifully
I waved goodbye like the most beautiful debutante
There ever was.

A phrase that has echoed throughout my mind
I hear it as if placed on repeat
You cried, your voice cracking
"What happened to my beautiful swan?"
As if I had lost myself, as if I had changed on you
As if I wasn't me anymore
And I think deeply, deeply on it all
I try to piece together what that meant
Or how you had to beat me to it
You stared up at your ceiling
And admitted that you chose
To cause me pain first
Just to beat me to the punch.

Where did your beautiful swan go?

The Wolf and I say little today
Ah. I'm fine with it.
As each day and hour passes
My eyes open in a new way.

So many women, so many gorgeous women
We define our existence, our worth
By whatever man is currently paying attention to us
And for once, for once
In my 25 years of existing
I don't know if its because of the empowerment around me
Or those who urge me to keep going
I find peace and solitude as bliss.

I thought for a moment to myself tonight
It would be so nice
To share a bottle of whiskey and my bedside

"He's out there"
"You deserve someone as badass and special as you"

Where did my beautiful swan go?
Where did my beautiful swan go?

She got more inked up.
She did drugs.
She explored the world.
She shook hands with an iron fist.
She ****** whoever she wanted.
She made beautiful, captivating art.

She, she, she.

She never went anywhere.



She just outgrew you.
Just like we all knew she would do.

My citron stone
Just fell with an iconic thump
To the ground as I performed my nightly routine.

The faces of eager, young, fierce women
Sit across from me, we fulfill and fill each other up
With what no man with the largest bouquet of red roses
Could ever give us.

Periwinkle tourist sweatshirt
I bought it because I knew it would be cute on the beach
This new summer of 2016
But mostly because I was cold.

I had a moment where I shopped for bathing suits
And it hit me like a distant dream
The first time I took off my clothes
Sand underneath my toes
I remember just the way you looked
How your body tensed and your face lit up
With such intrigue, desire
As you saw me from afar
I knew I was in deep trouble then.

We walked through the hot summer sun
I was drawn to your playful swagger.

But I remember lights and warning signs flashing
As you spoke of ex-girlfriends, ninja turtles
You couldn't calm down.

I was so quiet, even seemed shy then.

But I too, was intrigued
Intending only wet summer hot kisses
Because I could, I could
We got so lost in the cleansing quality
We hoped lemons and oranges
Could possess.

I wonder sometimes
If it deeply saddens you
That I reside so near
I know you feel my presence, energy
In the world around you
But you blockade it all
With your little hands
And *****, ***** teeth.

I would do anything
To take it all back.

I think and I say to myself.

But the universe is a funny little thing
You were so far away for 2 months
2 months for me to cultivate and grow
On my own
Its no wonder we had to force it
Your straw brim hat
We walked together on that beach
As if a ****** sea quilted under the stars
Between you and me.

It just was never gonna work
You wanted it with all your might
You made me want it too.

But I knew.

The best days and nights of my life
Never involved you.

I was in danger from that day forward on North Ave Beach
I avoid trespassing and words that would hurt
You hide my honesty like a bumble bee sting
Glass in your feet
You couldn't walk us home

Because you couldn't
"This is my first time dating a director"
You said, a kick in your step
And for a moment, you had me too
Convinced
But I knew
I knew.
I knew.

Images of ray ban sunglasses, orange tank tops
The need for me
I loved how we shared, how we talked
You wanted so badly
You needed so badly

But I was just too.

Resilient.

Mickey mouse dress over the lamp shade
Sometimes feeling so small, like little
Glass figurines
I just got hit with the wonderment
The swan
The swan I gave to you
Before you left
I wonder where it lives now.

And thats not a question
Because I don't need or want an answer
One of my girlfriends makes me sick
When your name comes up
Sounds like you are embracing, trying
Who you are now
I write the pain away whenever it seeps in.

Remember when we had our call and response?
That also wasn't a question
Because I don't want your answer
And even if you did, in some black void
Paint back
It would be the color of
Transparency.

Its moments and nights
Like this, where I choose to reside alone
Unlike you, I embrace solitude
Marking the page in blueberry ink
23 days.

Maybe I miscounted before
I've lost score
Of how long it took for me to see

I've lost so much.

My Production Designer tonight sat in my chair
And we discussed whether or not
We would relive past love again
I said I wouldn't.

I don't know
I don't know much anymore
But the moments and the beauty I felt
As I watched my work vibrate, echo, and hover
Like fearless angels levitating away from man's grip
I thought, I just thought and felt
How could I ever want more?

And its funny to me now
"Why the **** did he do that?"
Bathroom of the DIY space a girlfriend asks
In reference to your betrayal, lack of support
I watch The Wolf flip his hair, smoke gusting and swirling
But my heart, my emotions
Funneled into that little ring box
You placed your porcelain swan in.

You've got a new one now
Its serious, I heard
My lover and me, we look right into each others eyes
He notices when I'm distant
He came to my screening
He kissed me this morning before he went to work
I don't know or care what any of it means
But if you thought you could just store us away
In a little box
Hide us from the seriousness of your right now
You betray your new years resolution
With cowardice

But. But.
Oh my
That wasn't a question
None of it was.

I was so tired, my eyes so heavy
When I said I love you back for the first time
I wasn't ready, I wasn't ready
You chased me down the street
Piling up your love like decayed skeleton bones
To all the questions I didn't and never will ask.

I wish it had been different.
I wish I had been different.
I wish you had been different.
I wish, I just wish

None of that was a question.

My neighbors above my head are having ***
Moaning and shrieking, lets give the men pleasure
I'm not so sure why I felt so lonely the past two times
You licked me up like I was red carnal meat.

I sat on the floor staring up at the projector
My tight little black jumper choking me
I glanced over at the door as you swept into the room
Like black or purple midnight smoke
"Lets be ninjas about it"
I said, a coy grin on my face
If only you didn't belong to another.


I guess?
I suppose?
I reckon?
I drank a lot of red wine, pulled aside
Men wanted to discuss the chapters
My heart felt so full, so elated
Its funny how you can float from one moment to the next
But then a thing or two deflates it as if
It was only a temporary mirage.

Perhaps I need to work on my professional language.

**** it
Whatfucking ever.

Haven't heard from you since this morning
I don't feel like recording ******* voice overs right now
Cleaning my kitchen in order to encourage happiness
All I got back from one of my room mates was a
"Thanks"

You can't win everyone's hearts.

I felt so apathetic, so cool, collected
Its so easy to place your hands through the fog
To sort it out with calm, collected words
Thinking no one can really see the panic in my heart
I can't believe you turned around
You turned around
You turned around
You turned around
You turned around
And were everything you said you weren't.

When I feel bitter or sad
I think about the fact that you are inked forever
Or how my last beautiful words must have left blood on your tongue
I step away from the anger, the doubt
I am told what to do early in the morning till mid afternoon
My eyes were swollen from red wine all day
Taking the every 30 minute temperature of soup


And for a few days out of the week
I pretend to be a civilian
To be one of them
I don't have to wear my artist hat
I don't have to shine or radiate
I drank and smoke a lot last night
No trigger warning, I just sassed it up

And its funny how one or two little thing
Can make you question everything.

The Wolf said to me last night
As I laid atop his dark mangy fur
With a growl and a whisper
Special. You said I was special.
Because not just anyone gets to **** the director.

You're right.
They don't.
And it makes me think of how we, we women
We always gotta have our paws and jaws up
Ready to be armed to fight
Or to sit down and die
I receive messages nodding at me for my bravery
And yet I still find myself

You turned around
You turned around
You were just like the rest
You were and are everything you said
You weren't
But we all smile in unison
Everyone comforts with friendship in the future
I know you do what you can to get by
But please, please ******* for 6 months.

I growl back at the wolf
The full moon hanging in the night sky
I take a night off for me
From everything.

"Fast Layne"
A Coworker gave me the nickname today
Thats a new one.
I watch Lemons rot but bare new seeds
Teedle plays in the southern sunshine
Floony Facetimes from afar
Layney remains in second grade
LM performs monologues to walls
And Layne Marie

Well.

She's the dangerously vivid one here.

Chocolate smelling teddy bear
Snow ball mic
Load of clean laundry
Piled on my freshly made bed.

Day off?

Gotta run into the sun.

I haven't marked the page in two days
I gotta do it, gotta do it
It helps to keep track.

I woke up this morning to a long sensual text
The Wolf fantasizes about my drool, my body
Feels good, feels good
But I don't wanna be just
Another ****** pawn.

But. I don't think I could just be
But I swat away real meaning
Push away neediness
"It drained me"
I dreamed of Peter Pan flying, disappearing
All night long last night.

Urging myself back to sleep
I make peace with the demons of my dreams
Watching you disappear into your bedroom
With another, while you knew I was there
I walked out of the bathroom
Everyone thought I had gone with you
It wasn't me
It wasn't me
It wasn't me
Because I don't want it to be me.

Creating a new life, a new schedule
The Wolf looks for bites in between our crazy lives
This will totally do for now.

I have no idea what to wear tomorrow night
I worry who will come
Who will come
Will I be there alone?

"This is my husband"
The deeply progressive ****** female artist said
About 4 nights ago
Its so difficult for me to rely on others
I think I could do it better and in quicker time
But I release, I release

Running into the sunshine.

Flipping through the pages, writing, notes
Of to do, did, marked through
I reaccessed and remind myself with notes and lights
How and where I've been
Blown away by the so little time to recoop, rewind
I remark out loud, my own best friend
"Its no wonder! Its no wonder."

Getting and eating up affection
I think, contemplate
Oh this really is just perfect for right now
I stood in the dark of the artistic basement
Before we were sweaty bodies pulsing
And it was you and your leather jacket
Dark face, dark eyes
I could see you walking towards me in the room
The only lit up thing
I gotta admit
That I've seen in a long time
And you weren't there
You weren't physically there
But my phone hums and buzzes
Lil kitty cat.

I don't know what it means
I don't know what it is
You've got another in a different country
I felt so hindered by it
But as I receive 5 page long novel text messages
From a man I politely told
I said
I wanna say
She's just not that into you.
This fits and is just right
I think?

Ahhhhhh.
Its whatever.
**** it.

Going on 21 days as of tomorrow
Like a fast or a cleanse
I consider my options at times
But the desire, the need
Lessens and lessens
To reach back out for poison.

I realized today
In receiving words from a connection here
Or how ill mannered one of the hostesses is
That city livin' city lovin, so single, so free
Or even ******' taken
Errybody lookin' out for themselves
Its no wonder, its no wonder
I throw myself 21 different bones.

I wanted it to be such a peaceful exciting vacation
But I surrendered to my own *****
Woke up barely even knowing my name
I laid on the floor of a girlfriends shower
Let the water rain down, baptize me
Full circle but everything different
Full circle of everythings different
What will you think when the day arrives
That you first gazed at me longingly, with intrigue
Across the room

As vibrations and my phone beats loud
"I find someone new"
But I don't search, I don't hunt
Wolf wanted to eat me alive again tonight
But I soak in, eat up
My own me time
It fits just right
What a beautiful step forward
Regardless of perfection
I throw myself 21 bones

Not because I'm the worst
Or because I take people for granted
Or because I forgot how to forget
Dancing with ultimate freedom
Until I no longer knew the place I once would reside
Lets lay in bathtubs, photograph moments
Laugh into the sunshine, sleep on clouds, 19 again

I looked at the faces of so many women today
And I thought, I just thought
All of the molds, the folds, the ripples
Lashes, lipsticks, eyes glowing
I glance at my tired face in the mirror
I look so little and so much like my mother
Grandmother
Father
Brothers
But really, really
I'm just me.

Effervescent, healing
Beautiful.

Me.

Wait, wait for that morning
Blue line train
I order 8 dollar cocktails
Cheapest thing on the menu.

Everything evolving, changing
I jest but with depth
"It's the end of an era!"
And it is.

Someone new painted me up good just like a portrait
Such a beautiful mysterious face
He reminds me of love at 15.

But it's something about the cards in my hands
Right now
My ladies chime and sing a warning
Freeing song around me
Don't get caught up in the wrong.

So I don't, I lay among scales and rainbow fish
Movies and cameras flashing in my iris
25, wild, alive
So ambitious.

Sometimes I'll create a little pile
Of all those who done me wrong
I walk to work I walk to work.

Your car got towed yesterday
Didn't mean to read you the deepest poem of all
But no man has ever made me lose myself to sighs
The very first try.

Alas. Why fight.

I let my hair grow down my back
I hit the pavement, almost a full year
"We aren't talking right now"
A little fairy told me you said
I don't know if you replace me or hate me
But I continue to encourage myself

Not to care.

Damen blue
I across the street
Writing this on my cellular device
I nod and pulse
Ah. Ah. Ah.

I'm tired
Let's go drink coffee
With a good attitude
Cozy up in bed when can
Show up at work early
Kisses and wolf bites
I don't lose site of the swan.

Have yet to wash new ink today
I turned my phone off last night
What a freeing thing
It was the nicest thing I've done for myself
In a very very long time.

I'm not sure how to feel half of the time
Toying with straws, trinkets, moments come and gone
Crying on the train ride home
Luggage and baggage my middle name
Like the sword across my back
Everyone sends me messages
Admiring my bravery, strength
There was a millisecond where I believed them.

I'm not sure where this all goes
Or how my life begins or takes off
I want everything and I need nothing
A man child cocooned in blankets yesterday evening
From two hits of ****, he couldn't drive
Baring tattoos and his past divorce
I thought, I thought
In my nice, kind tone
Get the **** out of my house, my space
There is something so deep within me right now
That can no longer be a care giver
A mother, babysitter
I would so much rather surround myself
With palettes, poetic words, and humans of the now
That I am not responsible for.

Not really sure why or how
But clearly I'm meant to carry my luggage alone
Cooking breakfast for a past coworker
She talked my ear off, I listened
So cool, so collected
My God, I've been through so much.

This is the moment, the time
To take a step back
Reflect, take note
I knew my life was so drastically going to change
The first year was bound to be rough
But my God, my God
I felt it in my hair and in my soul
You were nearby, thinking
Of me, on top of you, my voice echoing your name
And how we would FaceTime everyday
My women warriors say you adapted to my wallpaper
You tried to be everything I needed
But you failed in the most theatrical way
We failed,
In the most theatrical way.

Nothing left but blink and markings on a page
I keep tabs on myself
Keeping you away.

Show up on my film set, if you are brave enough
I'll treat you just like another actor.

Disappointment and let downs
Primarily in just trysts of love
Brooklyn Boy asked me if I was seeing anyone
Over our cheap mac & cheese, red wine
Candied and sticky like our lips
When I wrestled him in the dark of
Central Park
His kisses meant nothing to me.

Thats just where I'm at
Thats just where I am
A man said to me last night while he was too high
To leave
I wanted him to leave so much
"I like you. I really like you"

I don't care.

It worries me sometimes that I have grown selfish
That I care too much about me
As blurry faces repeat and echo around me, the voices of men
"My life has to revolve around ME right now!"
"Me Me Me Me Me"
And it makes me think back to the moment
Peter Pan whispered
If you were a man you would hate yourself and be everything you don't stand for.


It didn't make much sense then
It still doesn't now
Gotta acknowledge the manipulation and ignorance
But my God my sweet foolish mother
Don't tell me how pretty another girl is
That he kisses on the cheek in pictures.

I screamed on the floor
But after my release, I rose up
Got it together and moved forward.


Thats whats different about me now.
I scream and I cry
I release myself alone at night
I turn my phone off to be kind
I lay down the law, but make room for everyone
I look in mirrors and have to remind myself
That I'm one of a kind
I don't know what I want
Happy March 2016
The women and I lead the revolution
I just wanna make a difference.

A little, a little at a time.

Moon and night sky wears on
Thinkin' about what drew me in
Like a lasso around shooting stars
Red flags surrounding me like nails in the earth
Cracks I avoid with my feet
I remember when I was a little girl
And we would all hiss and chime
"Step on a crack, break the devil's back!"

I wonder whats underneath all the mulch, the worms
I use to imagine Satan as a little red tainted fire faceless droid
Never ever fully seeing his face
But watching his back breathe and pound heavy from behind
As he looked down and around
At his fiery pit.

There was a time
Where I would look out my window
A drunken night or two
Or find you through the maze of my back porch
Bring you inside, it was so worth it I thought
So little sleep, so little sleep
But you showed me in the end
How very little, you fully loved
And respected me
Perhaps there are those that don't like how I went
Or bebopped away, you could say
But I had to go my own way.

I stay true to that
Relieved that if you uttered a sound, I would not know
6 months. Stay true, I coach myself through.

A handsome rebound, eye candy filled distraction
Stepping stone from home base where I thought I could be safe
But you're in love with a woman in Germany.

You texted me today, you had more to say
Spilled your guts a lil bit, I've said so little
I know that if I gave you the okay
You would be over here and on top of me
Right this moment.


But why bother. Why waste time
I think back on listening to the podcast
Where Peter Pan worshipped the bodies of women
And had nothing clear, intelligent, or deep to say
Realizing for the first time
Remembering just how
Your friends noticed you got all "deep and philosophical"
When I entered the room
You tried to blend into the wall paper of my heart
Adapt, transform, keep up
But you fell so very very very far behind
I could see it happening so clearly
I cried out for help in the littlest ways
And I think you tried a time or two
But at my darkest
It was you, you, you.

Just like The Joker said last night
Theres somethin' 'bout these 24 year old men
City men, they think they got it all
Trying to be grown up but drinkin' out of sippy cups
As the internet turns me off from the clinginess of others
I said I was gonna take a break
As the Sound Operator ran my way
Only to yes, yes
Be another disappointment.

I give up
What a freeing thing.

Spring has sung and spun
Little birds nests in my mane
Playing and sitting atop rocks in Central Park
We got so high we walked from the West Side
All through the grassy hills
To the East Side
Wednesday night, it now is.

Weepin' pretty ******* the train
So many bags and suitcases
This place has changed me so much
I tried to create, write a list
1.
1.
1.
That was all I wrote.

Too much to even say.

I came back with ink on the back of my shoulder
One of my room mates acted like I wasn't home all day
I guess we really just aren't friends anymore
Feelin' feelin' like such a huge **** up
I keep it spinnin' winnin'
Hearing my fairy girlfriends  phrase again and again
"Its all in the forgetting"

Death occurs so fast
Images of their face gone too soon
For a millisecond I had someone to hold my hand
Be there for me, I cry into the telephone
It hurts to be without.

But I am in the midst of retraining my mind, my habits
Not a vindictive bone in my body my best friend said
I spin in circles, spinning and hoping
To stop for brief pauses
Full of love and reflection.

Little tiny bed, we shared just like we were 19
Your sighs releasing your insides
Good morning. Good morning.
You grabbed my hand as you went
I didn't cry this time.

I knew this transition would be difficult, a challenge
But I had no real clue, no real idea
But it makes sense.
Year one. It takes time. You bump into the wrong things,
The wrong folks, the wrong heart break
As I filled my fridge today
I thought, can't wait to be over this ****
Out of this apartment, light shining on my face
Looking back at this time and laughing
But that day is not today
Seize exactly where you are at.

A series of eyes and lips, words
Haunt me as I see them all spliced together in my minds eye
I think my room mate heard me make myself ******
To the series of all them
But I release it all into the wind
Like a balloon on fire
It makes no sense at this minute
But.
But.
But

It is,
All in the forgetting.

Not quite peach
Or even really mauve
Laughter filling the tiny space
A room with the ability to bounce
Only my voice, my thoughts
No interruptions.

Oh Thank God, I think and feel
No knocking or voices
Or obligation to entertain
I clear my mind and still yet find myself
Toying and collaborating about work
Longing and praying
For dollar bills to someday soon
Flash through my eyeballs.

Surprised by the number
One of my composers said
If only, if only
Cash was a more tangible thing.

I listened to your podcast today
You mentioned and sighed about the attractiveness
Of famous women, ******
Only to then apologize, you didn't mean to be rude
An Always Sunny In Philadelphia reference
As if you thought, might think, could breathe
That my ears might point and flicker
Listening, but only for a moment.

The email I sent you made our best friend cry
She sat on the futon last night
Tears welling in her eyes
She was proud of how kind
My lingering and poetic words
Rang true.

I don't miss you
It surprises me.

I cried some pitiful tears on the bus tonight
Disappointment at the lack or
Rather--preparation for no future
The need to express and/or
Warn
The need to avoid responsibility
But you said you too, believe in love
As I tried to paint eloquently in my blue colored text
But only blue from my end
That perhaps this isn't the right time
But I need, I want, I long
For all of it.
Real, sustainable, I love you so much it makes me sick
Love.

A two way street
The disappointment at your hesitance, your bullet point
Made me retreat
Are as you said, "I hope it doesn't avert you"

Casual fun.
Casual fun
I'm not angry, I'm not hurt
But I don't know that my heart will continue to leap
When you text message
Or snap chat me.

I started to turn the other way
And I do in slight little turns
Placing my shield right back up
Over my heart.

As cards inked in red and black
Swim and flash past
Breathing and conceiving
Indicating, growing
Continue your route. Continue your own route.

I poured water all over the floor
From my ice bucket
I felt like my father filling it up
Just like he always does on vacation.

Time for a deep, deep
Restful, reviving
Sleep.

I drank mostly coffee grounds this morning
Nestling and sighing next to the man in the seat next to me
I just really, really *******
Wanted to have my own space
For once.

Release, open it to the public
But I feel so unsupported at times
The closest ones to me saying so very
Little.

Romance.
You aren’t looking for anything committed
You just revealed
As I surround myself with 24 year old little boys
Hoping, thinking
Its gotta be different.
But I run and flee, from the ones who
Cling and need too much
Out of me.

The gloom and coming darkness outside the megabus windows
Perfectly sums up
The beauty and hardships of this past weekend.

Kinda wish I hadn’t said you were special now.

A clean fresh bed awaits me.

Its been like 9 years, Brooklyn Boy wants to bring some joints
Blowing up my phone at 2 in the morning
I walk away and leave my old life behind
Knowing there are very, very few things for me there now.

Its becomes easier as each day progresses
To have let you go, Peter Pan
Just like I said,
You were the wrong man—claiming you wanted the right things
I take time to get my head on straight.

Dipping my fingertips in multicolored ink
I hope and pray for it to be different
Running the show, a swarm of questions
My girlfriends encouraged me to work with no end result
I free myself into oblivion but know theres less to work with
Then
Romance.
But you reveal, you reveal
Ain’t nothin’ bad here
But when will the time come
For someone to truly nestle, neck
And adore
Just me?

I keep myself from backtracking.

I hate sharing my seat.
I wanted the row to myself
I prepare only two eggs and have to put extra thought
Into having anyone else’s back
Cuz I spent a life time
Trying to make you
And you
And you
You
You, you
You
You
You, you
You
you.
The right one.

But I see images of wedding dresses
Disappearing into dust
And I know I would be much more creative
Making big plans, traveling alone
I get my head on straight
As expectation, pitches, and commands from
All of the faces
I dance and strive to be my kindest
Revealing my fatigue and fear
In singular moments
No one else gets to really see.

Sea.
I attend the past
Nodding and keeping from
Relapse
Its all so just done
I stop trying to force, hunt

10 months of salvaging
So its really truly, although it did hit me with some pain
Disappointment
I get my head on straight.

Scurrying all around city livin'
People and places
They step n repeat
Leisurely getting sunburned
In the Philadelphia sunshine
But I don't live here
No more.

If I wanted to turn around and head back
To where, the street
I use to live
I would find my past
Biting and painting in dark red
On the walls I once called home.

I hit a bowl of ****
Alone for the first time since sleep
Dreaming and laying atop wolves
I watch my ladies, my ladies
Love and give love
They trample their lives with beauty and grace
The hurt and the pain so many levels of
No longer.

The haunting has just about ended.

My heart pounded all throughout today
Anxiety in a tattoo shop
I confided in my mother
Who so eloquently listened and comforted
I could do nothing but look around and want to cry
When she said
"You are starting to become--sort of famous"

I don't run away with nothing
Married to my cell phone all these folks got questions
I'm so use to taking charge
I'm so use to taking charge
As a new one, a mysterious new one
I could be your baby doll
If you let me
If I let me.

It feels so good to grow smitten
Over someone so
Unlike you.

And just like twitterpatted gloves down my neck
I hear it again in my head
I don't know what I want
I don't know what I want

So I turn right, left, zigzag
Take in, open up like a blossoming
******
To love, to joy, to happiness, to support
I give and I give, I give.

Money, money
Its all just paper
I could stuff in my mouth
Like a guzzling pig.

Forget it.
Forget him.
Forget it it it it it it it.
For you, for us, for all of us
I chime into the night sky
Like a warrior on fire from wind
My anxiety faded as I vented into the light
I motion, gesture, and give
Because what else is there to do?

Buttery carbs
Trapped in the airport
I really wanted to make that ******* red eye
But I guess not badly enough.

Train stopped midway there
I should have left earlier
I should have taken a stupid expensive uber
But now I sit in a Black Hawks themed cafe
Trying to put aside my disappointment.

Everything feels so fleeting.

But its alright
Its okay
I have the tendency to torture myself at times
No need.

I was thinking about him
While stuck on the train
You ran to the airport, after I woke you up
On the phone at last
They wouldn't let you on the plane
I remember being so disheartened
As a moon sister and I went and had breakfast
Alone, together
Instead.

Because thats just
Thats just
What it is for me right now.

I was feeling hung up
Hung up on how to feel
But little things here and there
Help push me past it all.

I've never been in more of a financial rut
I've never felt more romantically confused
I've never inspired so many.

I take it in, I absorb it like a sponge
This time last year I auditioned for Steppenwolf
Thinking and plotting
I will go if I get in.

I didn't get in
Didn't book it
But they liked my steel toed boots
And I know I'm 3x the artist now
Than I was then.

I listened to Ghost on repeat
Surrounded myself with The Betrayer the next day
Its no
No
It makes total sense
That I may never ever
See him again.

I wonder what you must think or feel
If you ever tap onto your cell phone screen
Try to figure out where I'm at
Or if you wander onto this page
Or into my room while I'm gone.

As women around me say
"You couldn't heal and move on together."
Delete, delete, block, block
Defriend.
I hold true.
I hold true.
Delayed, stuck
Trapped in an airport
Disappointed
At least they didn't charge me.

I'm still a very very lucky woman.

Long red sleeved shirt
Sometimes it feels impossible
Truly impossible
To maintain, regulate, and sustain
Joy.

Happiness.
A little event here, a word spoken by this person
Perhaps not with ill intention
But I just wanted to come home tonight
And bring pie.

Ain't nothin' bad
Its all fine
But sometimes my chest
The butterflies that were so eloquently flying
Spinning and releasing colors of beauty
Longevity, strength, courage
Its as if a single slicing sound
Resounded so loudly
That every person that claimed they were this or that
Never picked up a pen or a camera
A script
And did what they so prolifically claimed
They do.

Maybe I'm secretly too ******* others sometimes
Just as I was reminiscing about where I was at this time
Last year
I can't control or maintain
Anyone else's ******* happiness
And I don't know why humans
Take or project their own insecurities on others
But I am conscious of my words, my tone
My language.

However.
I was sitting on the bed with the new man last night
As he told me a story or two
And in my high state, there was this small part of me
That wanted to treat him like he was less than
Probably because he is a man
And I have been so deeply, deeply hurt
By so many of them.

I don't know what the eff it means
And I'm not gonna bank on anything
But I free myself from thoughts of my past lover
Who threw, no hurled
My heart into the gutter
So for Christ's sake
Don't remind me of him
More than I already ******* do.

I was waiting for the bus tonight
After drinking 3 glasses of wine
I just wanted to bring home pie.

Why is joy the hardest entity to sustain?

Its so warm outdoors
My run today was haggard and less motivated
Everything revolves around
The nickels and dimes,
I don't have.

Ink me, ink my lips
A new man shoves his hand down my mouth
Like I'm a beautiful fresh caught fish
But I can tell, I can tell
I just wanna mean something
I would like to mean something to you.

I can see that you are use to getting what you want
With your wolf and moon necklace
Dark mysterious nature
I haven't been so drawn to a man
In a very very long time.

But once again
I linger and dance upon fire
Saying, don't get your hopes up *****
Sometimes I beat myself up in my head
You little stupid poor white *****
Maybe you should go give lap dances again
Beg your parents for money
Angry, angry
Its all your fault.

But its International Woman's Day
My body aches, I wish I was outside right now
Crystal ***** and ocean waves
I don't know what I want.

As each day passes
I mark it out with my eyes, my face
My God, I need to go fly away
"Be careful my dear <3"
I wish we
I wish women
I wish we didn't have to warn one another
Of the falls of man.

I'm not gonna beg or hope for you to be different
I'm not gonna compare you to Peter Pan
Who only waved goodbye in my mind
Two times
As you licked and kissed
Making me drip with your rough tenderness
The talking less feasible.

4:50am call time
I tell myself
Lets sit across tables
And discuss our careers, our art
I'll order a cocktail because I don't wanna be empty handed
I looked at myself deeply in the mirror last night
Molly come down?
Molly come down, a bit today.

Lets give so much life, love
To the sun rise and fall
Cuddling up to a new mysterious man
So small
So small in his arms
Why try to predict anything at all?

I hit green leaves from a one hitter
In my little black **** dress, braless
You'll never know
Or really even fathom
How much it hurt me
That you turned out to be exactly
Exactly
What you mouthed
Your lips and your little crooked unpolished teeth
Muttered you
Were not.

I listen to humming and swelling sounds
I played it on my pink ipod
As my dark handsome then boyfriend
High school sweetheart
We marched down the stairs of the elitist white school
Yellow JCrew sweater, I thought I thought
I run and I run, I'm gonna chase my dreams.

But that boy
Just like all the others
That revolved and swung right through the doors
Of my heart, my life
They appear and edited just like
Just like
Spliced together like a horror movie scene
One by one I watched and let them go.

I add you to that list.

One of the hottest men
I've laid eyes on in a very, very long time
Finished up on a film set
I imagine his strong arms lifting and balancing
Like you tried to do
But stay, stay away from me
Please.

He asks me my address
I placed the witchy crystal ball and film emoji next to his name
I was warned, too
That he is a player
But my best friend exclaims
"So what! So are you!"

And in high sometimes prolific
Or ordinary moments I think and sing
I don't know what I want.

And I don't.
Not right now.
But I know
I don't want you
And the shambles you bring
And brought out in me.

So I hit my ****
Familiar faces grown with joy and life
Encountered me tonight
One of the women said:
"You had this strong iron core. And brought it into the room. Such a presence. Energy."
All my teachers beat me the **** up in art school
But just because they knew I could take it.

Wine. "Lets get high"
I don't even know what to call this one.
How ****.
Lets do.
I gotta be up around 7am
And I want you so badly
We could be just like
The moon and night.

Monday morn'
Gonna bebop like floral sunrises
And spring time bohemian skirts
Define my personified with moon beams name.

Gettin' easier every minute
But I do get hit with waves and tiny moments
Where I see you in my minds eye, the memories
The chaos
But I dance on stage past it all.

Marking it all down with the same blueberry pen
Not pin
I correct my southern natural state
No one ever detects where I'm from
Till they get to know
Lil ole me.

Lets let today be a good day
Boys wanna play, but I took care of me
Last night, slumbering so hard
My ladies and I, we lift each other up
Reflecting and projecting such goodness
Drumsticks falling behind the stage
That DJ was so ******' rude
But I brought home a blue eyed 34 year old
I think his name was Matt?

Freedom.
My life already vastly improves
If you wanted to reach me
I'd never know
And for those who might judge my choices
I hula hoop through clouds and light.

2 days times
I let adventure and happiness
Become the swelling patterns within my heart
I told myself this morning
"Well at least I've done this before"
How good it is to see and feel
I don't need you at all.

Never my best friend
Just a hinderance
Its too bad, its too bad
And every time someone proclaims
"Maybe someday"
I know I will give love always
But I fled the scene
With joy and my own heart.

Lets run, light fires along all the road sides
My hair braided in twists and sunlight
Nails the color of a metallic sea
Gotta pack my bags and flee.

I throw my hands into the air
So full  of liberating life
Everything is really truly
Going to be so many levels
Of more than okay.

I just wrote half a poem

And deleted every bit of it.


I don't really have anything new to say.

But my heart aches and longs
To give strength and power
To those I cannot physically be there for right now
And my mind longs to wash away all the toxicity
It becomes easier and easier
To face and live my own truth.

Slumping into the quick sand
Of what was and wasn't
Its no surprise he flees before I visit
Its no surprise I mark on a white page
Each day that passes without you
Its no surprise my mind flickers to what you must think or feel
Or that I craft just how to surpass
----------just like these dashes----------
Or that no one really can blame me
I could write or type or paint my face
With the word "Free" a thousand ******* times
Or "****"
Or
Flame
But its me thats gotta be--believe it, see it


I was feelin' a lil blue
Blue about not bein' there
Handin' out menus to fat babies and mothers
Fathers that glance at me from corners
But wet fire from my mouth and sweet revenge
Everyone in big cities is so ******' selfish
But, but, but
Me--filled with love and joy
Palettes of paint
Make me dance on into this Saturday
Living breathing my own truth
Night.

Crash at home on a Friday night
11:39, gotta get up hit the pavement
Lets glam ourselves up with false lashes
Our feet carrying us into fairy dances
Mermaids swimming furiously through the sea
I plot & I plan my next project or 3
But I can't get married to just anything
Right this second.

I'm so tired, I've been so groggy all day
Falling asleep next to my room mate on the train
I reflected on the pictures above my head today
Contemplating how I have spent and wilted my time
I deleted two stupid dating apps about an hour ago
Men are so clingy, so over the top
So little tact, zero--none
My patience wanes while people refuse to think
About where they look and say
And I wonder if my words
Wound or..

"The moon is so crescent"
The sound guy from yesterday just texted me
As I reveal how connected I am to that dark beacon of light
How I have felt all my life that it reflects, projects
My insides--my guts
Letting out a breath as I have looked up at the sky
Knowing and nodding
We curtsey in unison.

There are so many rules
And every circumstance I find myself in
I have to sit on my hands
But most of the time its better if I had
Or if I should have listened
"I wish you guys could have just been friends."

Oh honey honey
I say, like one of my favorite fictional characters of all time
Don't we all.

Wear, we all grow so weary
Blood stained fangs, our Medusa heads surround and cloud me
Hissing and whispering
"He's not for you. He's not for you."
Hung up on mama just now,
Wouldn't stop repeating repeat
Lecturing me
Get a flu shot, forget him, forget him
But the ink of both drugs
Seeped and swept into my blood so deep


Ruined me, my brain
But I can't believe a silly man has that much power
I fight drug addiction to wrongness
While my best friend weeps and cries into her lovers arms
There in 5 days time, thank God
As my childhood best friend prepares for a funeral march
If only, if only
I wish I could lift up all the souls
And we could dine and wine
On nothing but love and height.
Its gonna be hard to be positive and thankful today
Dressed to go run in the sun
A to do list that is every growing
I wanna drink and fade away into the night
But I start a new job tomorrow morning.

But lets take molly Saturday night
My room mate said to me with a twinkle in her eye
I'm down, I'm so down
Friday, Fridays are always the hardest
When I have let you go
I wonder and I count on ten fingers and toes
Though you lack such extreme capacity
You must, must feel the same
Deep within your little tiny skull.

I don't ******' know.
A man I have never met was so agitated with me last night
Because I was too tired to vape and meet up
But send him a sweet text this morning
Use my poetry he said via technology
But I just don't give a flying ****.

I think most of the time I talk to myself in circles
Hoping someone who cares will listen
For the first time the feedback and negative words
They share with me about you
They hit home.

And I can thank every Catholic star of God of Gods
For that
Although my beliefs continue to progress
More loosely.

Sound Operator on set had lingering moments
Of drinking me in through a straw
But I gotta be professional
"Your lips match your eyes"
He said to me as we carried and hustled gear
I wish I knew, I wish I had the education
But I pick up and try to learn as best as I can.

Trailer is a bit too long
Lets make it tight, right
I count down the days on a white board
I think my other room mate hates me
But **** it, **** it all
I say to myself in a sober or drunken state
My heart and brain cares far too much.

So you don't reply, I don't think you will
"He's not strong enough to"
My girlfriends all chime
As our snake heads hiss and sing
Ring, ding, move on along
Bye, so long
Poison you ******* poison
My life and the rotations and evolution
The sweet words I concoct and drink through my own straw
I finally, finally
Take a breath, take a moment
Heal the wounds
Let the ink of the drugs of you
Slip and fade away, removed at last

As I dive into the strong ocean waves.

My body woke me up at 3am this morning
I laid nestled in my cocoon
Grateful, gratitude
I read an article my mama sent me
About training and taming the brain
Last night 4 beers in, I'm the skinniest I've been
Since my art school days.

4 days now. I remind myself and remind myself
Yes woman.
Yes young beautiful woman.

It feels good to get up and be so brave.


New found kisses and invitations
I worry at times, what ever will fill my days up
But endless options and my own moon beams
Surround the 5:48am darkness of my window
Begin again, begin again
Soon I'll tattoo those words to my skin.

Remember "resilient"
Remember
You got that just for you.

As a new man describes his tattoos
Concealed by a button up
I'm so new to this whole thing.

Perhaps I rushed and clamped down
Because it was the easiest thing to do
But at the end of it all
Peter Pan forever remains in Never NeverLand.

The trick now is to continue with our potions
Our witchy herbs and spices
My room mate and I engulf air
Our long hair hitting and melting
The faces of every man that looks in our direction.

I cannot wait to be with all of my women again
I've been thinking about the me
Covered in paint, a camera vibrantly in my hands
That little woman
Who gave it all away
To come play in a bigger space
Got so swept away
By badness
But its all good, its all good
It fueled me, my art
And now faces turn in my direction
Gravitating towards me.

I braid my hair, 6am
Set life, I travel and I don't sweat
Or convince myself to be right or true
I knew all along
I would leave you
For my movie camera.