The moon feels lonely
But how it feels,
I know.
People just always
Come
And
Go.

Talking in code
Talking in rhyme
Sitting up summer nights on balconies high up enough to reach out and knock knock knock on heaven's door drunk on gin and chewing mint leaves trying to come to some kind of solution
There are problems here that need addressing but how much easier would it be to just ******* about it?
Piecing together alibis from the body counts of tragedies, picking up as many fragments as we can with the little strength we have left
We didn't do very much to deserve to feel this tired did we?
We could never figure out how to remove ourselves from the equation
Answers are a lot harder to come by when you've lost all personal interest
Where is this going?
Where does this progression end?
I wanna see what else is on
When I was a child I had recurring nightmares about televisions
When they shot Andy Warhol all he could say was that his entire life had been television all along
I don't know how to find comfort in familiarity
I am missing the connection here
I wanna see what else is on

I'm very upset.

This is our first date
I didn't know where to take you
So I took you to see my grandma
She was always the life of the party
Funny how life works sometimes

I have been planting flowers around her grave
Because the gravediggers don't quite understand how much she was worth

The man that went to war and came back without his legs can't come see her because their only child is a good for nothing

Yes I'm talking about my father
He tried his best but something in him just didn't click
The only thing he could think of money and how wet he could get his ****

If this isn't coming right
Let me try again
Your hair reminds me of the flowing of our bodies when we are intertwined
Skeleton bones will be undug to walk amongst us again
Your smile reminds me of hers and oh god do I feel so warm

Being up on this hill with you
Fingers laced in one another
Your blue eyes beaming at how beautiful this meadow is
I hope that I can lay here with you

Muster up the words, "I beg you."
Form some kind of apology, please
This isn't you and you know it
Your heart is too warm to treat someone so cold

The breezy winds flow through your hair just as well as they do your emotions and you're making her feel like a helpless feather with no other choice but to get blown away
Even a simple goodbye would be better than this
Trust me, I know closure isn't really your thing, but she deserves at least something
Anything would do this situation justice, just please talk to her

This isn't you, please snap out of it

I know you've been hurt too many times to count and you're looking everywhere for something or someone to fill your voids but do not use innocent hearts as vices, they don't work like that
Don't rob someone of their feelings just because you have a hard time coping with yours

I know sometimes certain situations and feelings can be interpreted differently, but don't kid yourself, you know exactly what you're doing and quite frankly it's making me sick

You aren't perfect and neither is she, but the least you could do is offer her a bandaid when she needs one instead of drinking her blood and leaving a mess for her to cleanup afterwards without even calling her back

All of this is running like a train through my head when I look into my mirror and see myself start to tear up
The bags under my eyes hold all of the emotions that I try my best not to let out

It should be easier than this
Maybe it really is easy, and I'm just not used to change
I'm not sure about a lot of the things that are happening in my life
However, I am sure that I need to stop becoming a bad memory to others

It keeps me awake at night to think about all of the wrong I've done
That there are people whose only memory of me is how I was the worst for them and I don't want that

To my past friends and lovers, I can't say sorry enough
To my present friends and lovers, please don't give up on me; you are the reason I'm still trying
To my future friends and lovers, I hope by the time we meet, I am nothing less than perfect to you

I'm not used to change, but I could get used to being a good memory

You might as well just burn me with that magnifying glass
I'm better off dead than being searched for, or at least that's what my skeletons have told me
What do they know though, they're just piles of ash
However, everything that was once made of fire and brimstone is now ash, so it does make me wonder

The sun rays cascade into a quiet valley, not a soul in sight
I am a house built between two hills, or for lack of a better term, between a rock and a hard place
The lights are on but no one is home
If someone were to go looking, they'd find me inside the caves of my mind
Bar fights, fist fights, blood all along the lines
My head is a rather filthy place to stop by
I'd stay away if I were you

However, you aren't the first, and you most definitely won't be the last
I may be a wreck, but this is only a little bump in the road
Once it's my turn to go, I'll never stop again
The gasoline I've been filled with will drive me for years
You left and I've been a little twisted ever since
What else can a broken man do besides cope the best he knows how

I wish you'd come back so I could beat the **** out of you for what you've done to me
Let's be honest here though
We both know I wouldn't touch you
Not because I would be scared to
Mostly because acid rots flesh and your skin is more acidic than your personality ever could be

I wish I could bury you and dig you back up again
Maybe that way you'd know what it feels like to be covered in dirt that you can't get out of
If history repeats itself then I guess I'll learn to roll in my grave
Nothing's funny, I just want you to know how it feels to have someone turn their back on you

A hundred years from now I'll be nothing but a pile of ashes
You know what they say though
Everything that was once made of fire and brimstone is now ash
My youth was a raging wildfire that didn't stop for anyone
You weren't the first and most definitely won't be the last

Everything seems to be pitch black and quiet
I'm alright with this, considering I've grown tired of being in the spotlight
I don't remember how I got here or how long I've been here, but everything looks and smells so vibrant
I'm laying in what looks to be an endless meadow of roses
Everything is so beautiful over here

The last few things I can remember involve a couple of pill bottles, a couple glasses of water, and falling asleep with my TV on
I hope I haven't been sleeping long, I don't want to worry anyone
Maybe this is a dream
Something so wonderful like this couldn't possibly exist in the real world

I see people walking around way over there, but to be honest, I don't even want to bother them
I'm having the best time in the world just resting here in the roses, it feels like home
The people looked like flowers at last
I want to cut myself open and let my entire body pour out around me here
I wonder if the vines will wrap around me and turn me into something beautiful
The weird part is that I'm not even jealous anymore
I don't even need to plant my roses anywhere, I'm completely surrounded by them and they look to be all mine

I suddenly felt a shock and my chest lit up in the pitch black of what felt like the promised land
I woke up but I couldn't open my eyes because the lights were brighter than they had ever been
I saw my mother quickly reach for me but another woman immediately stopped her

"Your son is in shock, please don't touch him, it could make things worse"

Where in the hell am I?
Is this a hospital?
Where's my meadow?
Where are the roses?
Why is everything so bright?
Everything is so loud!

The doctors repeatedly shock my chest while my mother grows hysterical next to me
I didn't mean for this to happen, I swear
I only wanted to take a nap, honest


--

A few years have passed
My therapist made me start my own garden
I'm embarrassed I couldn't do it on my own, but I'm glad he made me do it, or else I probably wouldn't have
I still write in the same journal I got from my grandmother when I was a small child in hopes that she sees me, wherever she is, and that she knows I'm still fighting for myself
My garden is growing like a wildfire and some days it's the only thing that makes me smile
At least I can still smile

It's been a very long time, but I can still remember my adventure like it happened yesterday
If this is what death is, I'm upset that everyone fears it so badly

*Everything was so beautiful over there and the people finally looked like flowers at last

I love you so much
Do me a favor, baby, don't reply
I can dish it out, but I can't take it
I've been trained to love and love and love, but never allow myself to take love back in return
I've been so used to loving and hating at the same time that I can't imagine a world where loving someone else and myself at the same time is possible
I'm so used to carrying everything and everyone on my shoulders, even if I'm not trying to and they don't want me to
It's all I'm used to, what else could you expect me to do
Hot or cold, rain or snow, I am not a seasonal soul
I love you so much, I can dish it out, but I can't take it
Slow, fast, all at once, I find myself on the edge of your seat, and without a second thought, I am dying for you so you won't have to
I give myself the power to carry you, so much that I don't even want to plug myself in
My batteries could run out and I would still run to the ends of the earth for you
This is dangerous and I am reckless, you don't need to tell me twice, I'm an absolute lunatic
However when it comes to you, everything makes sense
I want to change and I want to be different for you
I'll do anything, just give me the go ahead
I can dish it out, but I want to take it