We're faking.
Happiness lasts but a second.
That fragile fleeting moment before the click of a shutter.
It fades away after your eyes stop stinging.

Sometimes, the sky is so blue that it hurts.
I can't ever reach it with these hands.

I wonder if we were ever really happy.
I try to capture your smile.
But this camera is old, slow.

We're breaking.
Photo frames slips off walls, non-existent.
I hide inside corners of doors, my hands shielding my ears.
Angry voices shake the foundations of this house.
These photographs were only a mere second of our whole lifetime.
But they aren't exactly telling lies.
We were happy once.

Hand holding,
Cigarette smoking,
Spiced gin drinking,
And bare flesh touching...
Y o u  h a d  m e.
(Only for 24 hours,
But that’s more than most get)

24 hour boyfriend,
The perfect relationship.
One complete day of undivided lust and adoration.
It almost felt like I loved you.
Sharing souls and secrets and your king sized bed,
I  h a d  y o u.
That loving gaze, the sweet whispers;
It made me sick

In an early morning, half-drunk haze,
Your skin wouldn’t let go of mine,
Your smile asked me to stay,
And your sleepy eyes told me you wanted more…
You whispered you loved me,
I clenched my eyelids shut and pretended to sleep.
I could never love you.

I’m sorry,
But your 24 hours is up.

I gazed up at the moon
It's usual glow of silver and pearl
Replaced by a haze of deep, blood red

There was a scientific explanation for this
Something about sun's rays being blocked
Something about light particles

I didn't really care

All I knew was
On that beautiful rare night
You were not standing beside me
But it almost felt that way

The sky is always the same

Your body is always warm
Your hands are always rough
The words that left your mouth melted into one long, faint whisper
Unmatched to the power of your dull blue eyes

LOOK AT ME WHEN YOU SPEAK
I hate when you don't look at me
I want to feel your thoughts,
Not hear them...
S h o w  m e  y o u  m e a n  i t

After that moment, your eyes were permanently glued to mine
Nobody has ever looked at me like that
Constant peering at the remnants of my soul,
and my heart,
and whatever else is inside there that
H u r t s  s o  b a d

STOP LOOKING AT ME LIKE THAT
I don't want you to see me like this...
Sad, angry, sad again
I'm doing you a favor, I swear
Just stop looking at me like that

I want to give you every piece of me that is left
But the fear of you not liking what you get
Rattles my bones so loud when I'm with you
And even louder when you're gone

It hurts, baby
I t  j u s t  ******* i n g  h u r t s

Is this what love feels like?

I love you
I hate you
I’m sorry
I’m broken

I love you
I hate me
I’m sorry
I’m leaving

Don’t leave
Just stay
*******
Don’t tell me what to do

I hate you
I love you
I’m broken
I’m sorry

In and out of
Naps and daydreams
Imagining beauty
Imagining pain
I break my own heart
Every day

Meandering through the billowing trees
A cold, almost winter sky coats the forest in a haze
Fallen branches and withered grass
Crunching beneath my feet with every small step

Your ghost fills me like a flood
Every breath, crystalizing my lungs

I can feel you
I can hear your sullen whispers blowing past the trees with the wind
I can smell the distinct scent of your skin as if you were cradling me in your arms

You are the trees, and the ground
You are the blurred light peeking through the fog
You are love, and you are life
You are here
But nowhere else

I’ll close my eyes
Let me remember the planes of your face
The slight curve at the end of your smile
Let me hear your soft voice
The sound of your sleeping exhale

Time has carelessly erased the memory of you
Leaving only fragments
Mere glimpses into the past
Nothing more
I’ll collect the pieces
Like shards of shattered glass
And keep them close to my heart
Strolling through the wilderness
Only thinking of you

I hate September
The lies of June through August persistently linger in you
Playing with my fragile mind, teasing my senses
I’ll never adjust to how those months erase you
Lightening your hair, leaving nothing but freckles on your cheeks
I’m sickened by the thought of it
That ******* superficial summer stealing you away from me
Masking your beautiful frustrations with a bright sun and tanned skin
Leaving me waiting for your return

I miss your pale face and even paler eyes
Your pure radiance against the reflection of the stars hitting the cold ocean
How I lust for the honesty found in our fall
Only in autumn can I find your soul in full bloom
The warmth from your chest versus the crisp evening air
Tired eyes opening halfway with the arrival of the morning light
Surrounded by bright oranges and pale browns coated in grey
Whispering delicate love songs and sleepy thoughts long into the afternoon
You were mine

But dearest, these months have been harsher than expected
Our October and November have transformed into a bleak December through February
Which in turn became a dark, rainy March through May
Followed by a painfully hot and uncomfortable June through August
And now September refuses to release you from its grasp, my beloved
The seasons are so cruelly passing us by
It’s almost as if you never were
But when leaves are shed and days disappear
I’ll close my eyes and I’ll listen for you in the wind

I lay down under the scorching Manila sun
It feels something like searching
for solace in discomfort.
Eyes clenched.
My body sinks into the earth.

I want to breathe.
But the air is dense here
And my every other breath
is diluted with smoke.
These lungs push into the
walls of their cage;
Eyes clenched and anxious
waiting for the day to end.

But tonight…
I will run alongside the wolf,
Follow her as she chases the moon,
Mimic her proud howls to the sky.
Tonight I will run alongside the wolf,
Follow her until I’m lost in the night
And search for her shadow in the sunrise.

Tonight
I will breathe.

i tried so hard
to send you winter
in a letter

i went outside
collected snowflakes
and foolishly pressed them
into the pages
the ink ran
and my thoughts
melted away

i wanted to save winter

capture it in a bottle
and hide it
between my lungs
so my every breath
would be cold
and my voice
would taste like snow

i thought
maybe
if i could take
that bluish-grey sky
and shove it between
my ribs
and swallow
every
dead
leaf
you would see frost coated grass
and think of me

... and
i could give you
winter

f o r e v e r

long days and restless nights
thin lips part to reveal a voice of sand
silently screaming at those around him
he wore his pain on his brow
***** and wrinkled like the shirt on his back

She dragged her nails across pale skin, digging
into her flesh and relished in the the pain, curling
her fingers across punctured plains.
She bled crimson but it didn't satiate her guilt.

I love you like my favorite poets love alcohol.
Drunk and mad in the streets,
I love you.
I’m wasted.
I am one of my favorite poets.