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Feb 2022 · 83
Untitled
winter Feb 2022
afton still sends me
pictures of the moon
is it too rash for me to say
i love you too
Feb 2022 · 73
"traffic"
winter Feb 2022
whenever my mother is driving
and sees kids crossing the street
she stops
remembers their clothes
and checks the time
just in case
their pictures appear
on the news tomorrow
winter Feb 2022
i'm still in love with nate
from honor choir camp
the skinny kid with the fringe who
played his guitar
at the other end of the field
i never spoke to him
i'm still in love with phoebe
who kissed my hand
in the underground tunnels
below the stage
before the performance
i'm still in love with max
who used to run the flies
i used to dream of him, and
he never knew my name
until years later when
we were somehow making out
in his car
i won't text him back but i'm
still in love with the boy in the flies
i'm still in love with eleanor
who would chase me on the playground
the first coolest person i ever knew
i'm still in love with you
i'm still in love with jess
my first (online) girlfriend
who had short blonde hair
and sewed her own pretty blue
dresses
one day you disappeared
i dont know if youre alive
i'm still in love with jordan
who would talk to me about his books
called his desk an island where he and i
(the cool kids)
would sit and blush
you hugged me goodbye and
well i thought you were gone for two weeks
turns out you'd moved out of town
i'm still in love with lyric
i stabbed him with a pencil
because i thought his name was cool
he switched schools after that
guess it wasnt the right move
i'm still in love with bailey
you were good for me
i don't think i was good for you
we're too different, i think
but it was wonderful
when it lasted
and i'm sorry
i am still in love with you
i'm still in love with
some horrible guy
i knew you as matthew
you didnt ruin me
but there's no making up for the hurt you caused
you were the hardest to recover from
i did it
but still some nights i long for your apology
in the form of sweet kisses
looking back,
you never meant for them to be sweet
and yet,
part of me is still in love with you
i'm still in love with afton
you are the sun to my moon
talking to you brought me endless
comfort and joy
i had never been so open, or seen
everything about you made sense
everything about you made me want to be a better person
i loved watching your games and your art
i would draw you with charcoal in my diary
which i still read
just to see how you were the solace and relief
of a time so terrifying and lost
no matter what was happening
in the world
at least there was you
in your own little bubble

but i couldn't do the same for you
we are only friends, from now on

i'm still in love with you
Feb 2022 · 114
anthropology
winter Feb 2022
maybe it's the world
maybe it's the human condition
the man and the animal
throttle each other's throats
even when they are one
art criticism in an age of polarization
Feb 2022 · 69
Untitled
winter Feb 2022
My dad is the only man on Earth
who doesn't assume that
he was "The One Who Hurt Me"

and I think that, in itself,
is quite ironic
Feb 2022 · 291
Untitled
winter Feb 2022
happiness is presented with
curiosity, and question
while despair
is the long, drawn period
wonderment and finality
hope is the 'looking forward'
Feb 2022 · 69
Untitled
winter Feb 2022
I'm the revelation and
you're the catharsis
Feb 2022 · 48
Untitled
winter Feb 2022
Bruise Blue Sky you
frame the dirt and
draw the courtyard
Jan 2022 · 85
being short
winter Jan 2022
yk i think part of the reason
i'm asexual
is because i'm so short
and i think that
when tall adult people
are attracted to me
it's kindof creepy, isn't it?
Jan 2022 · 66
Scarlet
winter Jan 2022
A rose long risen will whither
Imprison it’s blushed palm
At the sight of you
Who do you see
in your reflection? Your
complexion puts to shame
the foliage unnamed who
bloom for all to view
But you
A shine in the dirt
A spark in the night
May hide away from all of sight
But I
Can see you clearly
Quartz and Garnet
Beams of light with
Rays of gold and red, you
Paint the sunrise Scarlet
not my usual style, indeed this is for a fanfic
Dec 2021 · 70
symphony child
winter Dec 2021
symphony child
it's time
to arise from the basement
from your little couch cusion
wear the dress that you keep
folded in the bathroom
along with the rest of your clothes

put on your pretty symphony face
and sit in the front seat
with bravery
stare straight ahead
when you're on the road
and look them in the eye
only when you're told to

melody baby it's okay
to take your eyes off the pain of the stage
because when the lights go down
it is only you in the back of the house
and it is only you
who can hear the voices
of the folk
in that great, rolling, symphony ceiling
only you can see their eyes
peaking from the catwalk
it is okay,
to let the sounds lift you up there with them
lift you up to death
a beautiful calm
that begins to
distort
the concert is starting to feel quite long

treble youth
for now this will be your life
you shouldn't have to
be aware of how temporary it all will be
you shouldn't have to
look forward to it

but while it lasts
feel free to explore
even if that may only be your own mind
grow where you're planted
even when the *** is quite small
as a seat at the back of the symphony
as the cushion seat
of a couch in the basement

symphony child
music functions
through movement
as time will move
through you
Dec 2021 · 168
Untitled
winter Dec 2021
hypocrisy is a beautiful phenomena
that humans can't help but indulge in
Dec 2021 · 101
eulogy
winter Dec 2021
you know
people are constantly mourning
the version of myself
they created in their minds
but i've really never changed

i'm talking about ten years old
all of a sudden i've become an adult
ready for the push and shove
i'm talking about twelve years old
i'm apathetic and anxious
and antisocial
i'm talking about thirteen years old
i'm a *****
i'm talking back too much
i'm talking about fourteen years old
the time i bleached my hair
and suddenly i was a new kid in class
someone entirely else
you can approach me now
except for my father
because now i look like my mother
which means now i'm ready
to be the outlet of his rage
i'm talking about fifteen years old
freshman year of high school and i'm scared
but friends 1 2 and 3 from last year
see my instagram photos and
decide i'm **** and a ***** and a ****
and i'm so very very very changed.
sixteen years old my hair is back dark
and i'm wearing extra layers
and oh no you can't talk to me anymore
people can't know you associate
i no longer look pretty for your social media
seventeen years old
i cut my hair and dyed it purple
no one talks to me anymore
not even the kind ones
apparently i'm too far gone
eighteen years old
i've been through black, blonde, purple, brown and blue
i'm supposed to be more adult now
so my mother thinks i just must be cruel
i cut off all my hair
they think that changed me, too
nineteen years old
great news, i'm transgender
they're holding funerals for me back home
i dye my hair pink
my friends who i've known for only months, weeks, say

i can't recognize you
you've changed
Nov 2021 · 91
kindness
winter Nov 2021
as a child
the people who interacted with me were
people who
actively hurt me
whether it was familial
or predatory
or in some other form, all the same

i don't know how to act, interact
i don't know the words people say
or the things people do
i never got to learn
how to be kind

i was never exposed to it
although i desperately want to
i greatly struggle
with how to give it

kindness

i want to show that to you
someone, please
show me how to
Nov 2021 · 275
Untitled
winter Nov 2021
I am not going to stand up here and
tell you my life story
I am going to
take my experiences
and tell you a human story
Nov 2021 · 81
Untitled
winter Nov 2021
I'm getting hungrier again
fifty dollars
to last the semester
feeling illegitimate
at the pantry, still
I feel I'm not worthy
of a free box of macaroni
as if I don't deserve dinner tonight
Nov 2021 · 83
Untitled
winter Nov 2021
i'm still not getting better
i'm still not getting better
i'm still not getting better
Nov 2021 · 95
Untitled
winter Nov 2021
smells of love
feels of hurt
Nov 2021 · 136
processing...
winter Nov 2021
black void
behind the streetlight
don't walk there, don't go there
turn around, walk back
dripping from under you
heavy object inside
on top
crushes you
go back
you're lost
go back
Oct 2021 · 76
Little bro
winter Oct 2021
I miss
Leaning over you
And wrapping my arms around you
Before I left,
You suddenly got so tall
But you let me hug you all the same
I'll miss you too, I was thinking
Oct 2021 · 634
How to Travel Through Time
winter Oct 2021
a child approached me the other day
and said
"I just want someone to hold me"
this child
who didn't know me at all
who trusted too much and too fast
began to pour onto me their every sorrow
told me stories of the people who were hurting them
told me stories of their family
and the people they like
and the people they'd like to kiss
and I
was paralyzed
I wanted to say,
"You can't say these things to strangers,
You need to be careful,
You need to keep these things to yourself"
but instead,
I heard their words and I heard myself
at that age
crying out the same words
the same pleas
to strangers the same as I
and I saw an opportunity
to breach time
and talk to myself again
to save myself by
saving this child
I said
"I understand, and that's terrible
and I am so sorry that those people are hurting you
and I promise you it is not your fault
and I promise you it will get better
and I am here for you if you need to talk,
or to vent
and I am here
and I promise you
and I promise."

I know that I'm not dangerous
but still I
don't want this child to believe it's okay
to talk to anyone like this
so I
try to fulfill these wishes
try to help this person
without encouraging that behavior
even though I know
because I Was Them
that it will do nothing
to end the desperation
and the loneliness
that they will try
again and again
from one to another
and another
to fill that aching void that only wishes to be seen by someone
or
to be held

It is dangerous, to be so young and need to be held.

I feel so old, being for the first time on the receiving end of such an encounter.
It makes my blood boil
to think of the others
who've taken advantage of such

I have to
help them
before someone else
hurts them further

even though it is tricky

if I can help, at least one person

maybe I can be helped

that long ago

child

could be helped
Oct 2021 · 76
Untitled
winter Oct 2021
i know that i'm lonely
but i know i'm a dreamer
my projections of longing
are merely my hypotheses
a demonstration
of my understanding
of love
Oct 2021 · 67
Untitled
winter Oct 2021
humans holding their hands and
people kissing their lips
and feeling and comfort and feeling and warmth
and people clinging to each other and
healing
Oct 2021 · 349
Untitled
winter Oct 2021
i've made it, i've made it
and i've still yet to see it for myself
Oct 2021 · 72
Untitled
winter Oct 2021
new york
is no longer a song
Oct 2021 · 73
Untitled
winter Oct 2021
people live their lives
while i sit here sentimental
Oct 2021 · 63
connected
winter Oct 2021
I’m feeling very human, suddenly
A new revelation, I’ve been waiting for it
I feel connected to grass and
Connected to my hands
And I can feel my love even though
I am unloved
It still overflows, in spite of it
I am so alone
I feel so connected
Like I could be part of the wind
Blowing through
Feeling everything
Without touching a thing
Oct 2021 · 192
Untitled
winter Oct 2021
New York has this certain smell that I just haven't gotten used to
Although it isn't particularly bad
Like old clothes and old land and
Sewing needles and wool jackets
That you bought at the thrift store
While you were downtown freezing
You could've sworn it was 60 degrees that day
It smells of eating rice each day for lunch
And cheap dining hall cake
And the wind doesn't smell like the lake
And the lake doesn't smell like the sioux
And there's more color in the trees here
And you can't help but smell that too
Oct 2021 · 47
Untitled
winter Oct 2021
I do feel better when you're near
Although the thought of you disgusts me
Am I complacent in your presence
Or am I truly safe
Oct 2021 · 73
Untitled
winter Oct 2021
now that i am older i can say
that i was always meant to be this way
Oct 2021 · 66
child
winter Oct 2021
i want to see the world
the way you do, my dear
i want to see the stars
and wonder endlessly
and not yearn quite so much
to die

i want to cry when i look
at the texture of a brick
because it looks so real
and supports my weight

i want to look for beauty
and not feel despair
at every sign of goodness

i want to yearn and long
without this terrible guilt

i want to love and fear this life

and experience everything for the first time

again
winter Oct 2021
this song feels like
my life flashing before my eyes
it becomes obvious now that
instagram has become my scrapbook
my grandchild's historical tomb
to peer into
and realize that life has always been
a hollow broken chest
of insurmountable aching
the internal eternal abyss
that lies within a hurting heart
the hurt lasts centuries, lifetimes
bloodlines
so they might see a reflection
of their own emptiness
so they might see
that i could see their future
and can speak to the past all at once
Oct 2021 · 68
Untitled
winter Oct 2021
suburbia screaming
What the ****
with simple guitars
playing simple sounds

universal youth
with our thin walls
and hands stained with dye
drowning out the empty

the rage of the plain
nostalgic
Oct 2021 · 354
Untitled
winter Oct 2021
its 71 degrees and mostly sunny in new york
which is 4 degrees warmer
than where you are
Oct 2021 · 87
Untitled
winter Oct 2021
It isnt too late for compassion
And it isnt too late for hope
You from the city
Who comes from peace
Knows no difference
Between land and borders
I come from the coldwar
I come from plains
And I've seen the real need
To be unified
To be free
Oct 2021 · 205
Untitled
winter Oct 2021
My childhood clouds
Have come back to say hello
Baby's fingertips
I cradle my own face
Oct 2021 · 58
Untitled
winter Oct 2021
I am a child
though life is short
I can feel her naivety, her fear
Her freckles have come back
Her eyebrows are grown
I can see only her face
in my small reflection

I am a child and
you are a man
but life is short
so who is to say
Oct 2021 · 164
Untitled
winter Oct 2021
momma i'm in the living room
listening to you cry again
momma i miss you
except for when you call
don't tell me you love me
just look after your son
stay calm, momma
the stars will come
Sep 2021 · 53
Untitled
winter Sep 2021
my brain has begun to unravel
the chords unwind and unknot
suddenly my motivations are
each their own separate branch
separate root
of which new inspirations sprout

it is hard to handle and
i feel too plentiful
too filled with words
that have no time to express themselves

time is working against me in this moment
it quickens
so that these ideas never set foot
my own mind whiplashing me
into another moment
when I was not yet finished
with the last
Sep 2021 · 192
Untitled
winter Sep 2021
our childhood ended
when they cut down our tree
our spiritful branches
with ice on their leaves
Sep 2021 · 53
Untitled
winter Sep 2021
suicidal fantasy season
makes my heart tremble
and my hands unstable

when i am unwelcome i am
a corpse walking among
a world that i should no longer exist in

something expired and molded
my presence a stench
unable to decompose
Sep 2021 · 64
Untitled
winter Sep 2021
let me talk to you
about the feeling of vulnerability
without ever opening up
Sep 2021 · 63
Untitled
winter Sep 2021
I think our souls have touched
Though we haven't shared our names
But your words have moved me
And you've grown attached to mine
And we brought ourselves here
Because there's something underneath
That we both want to explore
Sep 2021 · 59
Untitled
winter Sep 2021
one eyebrow painted on
and I remind myself
you either take the man's money
or take yourself to the bridge

this is how it feels
when you're down
and your chest has been binded for so long
and you're far away from everyone you've ever known

and you know you need it
or you know you need something
safe to bring you harm
safe for your destruction

when we meet for the first time,
my body on your mind and your gun on mine,
deconstruct me
Sep 2021 · 77
ghost light
winter Sep 2021
I'm feeling that old theatrical feeling
Where I become a creature in facepaint
A shadow taken form in gowns and robes
and I myself am the echo of footsteps on the stage
I feel that aching feeling
of looking into your eyes and feeling horrible things
like my desires to love and keep you and take you with me
into a place where it is always night
and we live inside the walls and watch the curtains from the side
and we come to life and circle the ghost light
I cannot have you
but we will always be the same
and I will always feel your name
forming at my lips
when I kiss these walls goodnight
Jun 2021 · 151
mandarin
winter Jun 2021
I've learned a new language
And all you can think of
Is my love for Leslie Cheung
As if it isn't magnificent
A wonderful thing
To have love and also to learn
May 2021 · 99
requiem
winter May 2021
Virginia, I'm feeling you tonight
Like you're waiting outside my window
Arms outreached with Jacques Rigaut
Elliot I hear you mumbling around
Why now, when you've been quiet for so long?
Cradle me with dreams of California
Under those Teasdale Stars
Drown me like you did to River
I cant take the Mayakovsky life
It's like you're whispering, Brandis
But i hear you,
Your presence moves me
Closer to something
That I'm too scared to see
And yet
You won't stop coming for me
Until the end. This,
I know
May 2021 · 97
5 years from now
winter May 2021
Winter finds
the tops of mountains
Short of breath from the climb
Crystals shaped like snowflakes fall
On their cheeks, stung by the sun.
They wear long clothing with
Buttons that match: a uniform
Symbol that, though small, reflects
Defining strength and aptitude
And keeps them standing tall.
But when they climb back down
The home they return to
Is distant and virtuous and small.
A familiar pen writes papers and poems
To fill up the shelves of a well-crafted den.
It’s a habit more than a hobby, by now
They’ll have published at least one or two, by then.
On weekdays they travel to libraries and schools
Read books to children and sing.
When afternoon comes, they’ll be fighting for justice
With knowledge, compassion, and persevered dreams.
Winter is seen taking walks in the spring that can last up to 10 hours long
With friends, old and new, who walk right alongside- the journey, though tiresome, is strong.
They’ve grown a few inches, in shoes or in heel, and their childhood fears have finally nulled
Traveling far away, small spiders and mirrors, these terrors now trivial, lackluster, and dull.
Winter is a season that she once felt was impossible to feel like herself in, she’d say.
But now they have conquered the long blist’ring winds, and Teasdale’s Stars, and Woolf’s Dalloway.
They keep moving forward, inspired and stilled, by the pleas of a kid who once called out their name
In hopes of an answer, running up that hill, fiercely demands of them: Requiem for: identities lost and spirits regained.
May 2021 · 68
Untitled
winter May 2021
"this is a lonely experience"
I say when
I study blades of grass or cracks in the walls
When I'm so angry that I cry or when
I truly feel like dying
I repeat that to myself when
I'm reading untouched books
Or feeling affectionate for my friends
Far moreso, I think, than they would reciprocate
Love outpoors from me and I feel so alone
It is lonely to love

But I've halted those words
With a change of heart
Realizing I was never alone
Future or past, there are people out there
At least, so I hope, who feel the same things as I
They might mark my words, or perhaps never know, but wonder the same
Was there ever someone like me
Someone whose words are untouched
I wish i could reach through time and tell them
The experience isn't lonely

This is a human experience
May 2021 · 81
Untitled
winter May 2021
i think i'm starting to overcome it
I can love life, accept death, and believe
there's nothing after
all at once
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