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May 2021 · 82
5-10-21
winter May 2021
days haven't been good but I'm
still committed to growing
face to face with people
who believe that pain is necessary
to make means more efficient
who dismantle their own hurt,
thinking life is just a game
but i'm committed to keep going
make amends through it all
even when i feel put down
or so angry i start crying
i'm just trying
to prove them wrong
their exists hope
and kindness and love
for the simple act of being
and i'm being patient for you
if I can endure this world
I can endure you, too
winter May 2021
Child searches for truth in the eyes of
Others and finds nothing until the eyes
Of music
The brain is humanity's most powerful
Weapon and yet here we are
I want to say goodbye and be nothing.
I want to die. I want to see the stars.
I want the universe and future. I want to exist
I want to be free from this hell
Apr 2021 · 81
Dolphin Letter
winter Apr 2021
A letter to the president
We’re begging you
To see us in the attic on our knees
Thrifted stationary on the floor and
The scribing of our pleas
Hear us when we speak, we are young
And all too aware of our dreams
Our lives in front of microscopes
Analyzing our hopes
Dear god, let us breath
There’s no crime in our dreams
Now they’re far across the world and I write all the same
I remember hope when I remember your name
Dear president,
The ocean’s long gone
And the reefs have all fled
And the humans learn to starve and
Home has gone to ****
With nothing left for the children
Whose lungs are black from the air they dreamed of protecting
You’ve exterminated devotion
To the selfless cause
O President
Did you feel betrayed
When you learned for the first time
What this world was truly like
Do you seek revenge for your hurt
Do you seek control
And, in spite of the trauma,
Can you remember
Your love for this world.
I had a childhood memory of when a friend and I wrote a letter to the president, asking him to save the dolphins. I felt sentimental, remembering our innocence and our ignorance.
Feb 2021 · 93
Untitled
winter Feb 2021
I just felt a timeless feeling
I'm drowned out with a song
And I see myself dead
And wonder who will hear
This same song
And see the same images
I wonder who
Listened to Elton John or Eric Satie
And saw themselves dead
With people of the future listening in
I can feel them now
Feb 2021 · 85
Untitled
winter Feb 2021
here i lay on this cold section of the stage
where no one can see
where i escape
it is the same as death encompasses me
experiencing the narrative through
to the end
Jan 2021 · 78
Untitled
winter Jan 2021
There is an attitude
about coming together
to create something new

I wonder if that is the cause
For corruption
When someone steps up
To take another's place
To carry out something prewritten
There is no longer the cause
There should never have been
Permanence in legislature
Jan 2021 · 85
Untitled
winter Jan 2021
I am no different
Than any child close to death
Even if my bones
Seem to be so feeble
My health is not eternal
There was a time when
We would've been the same
Jan 2021 · 98
Untitled
winter Jan 2021
I'm tired of rotating through
the same conclusions
Jan 2021 · 74
Untitled
winter Jan 2021
my body decomposing like
its telling me to die already
Jan 2021 · 523
Untitled
winter Jan 2021
panic sits in my chest
and waits for privacy
everyday i can feel
myself erasing
i want to live without tears
permanently resting in my eyes
watching for that moment when
all else turn away
waiting to be unseen
until then it bottles up
until then i swallow
Jan 2021 · 69
Untitled
winter Jan 2021
i am home imagining myself
a year from now, alone
unfamiliar, with nothing to
remind me of who i am
with no one to
remind me that i am known
soon, a town
13.667 times smaller than
my home which ive previously
thought to be so humble
so rogue
if i thought i knew loneliness
i have a big storm coming
Jan 2021 · 71
Insomnia
winter Jan 2021
i can't fall asleep without someone's phantom
i cannot be the arms around me.
i've tried.
i've danced with jackets and i've fabricated the warmth
but still i lie awake
ten years old and the monster in the closet
takes form of a lover who lulls me
i wake up and invent their names
to give purpose to fantasy
and to trick me into worth
Jan 2021 · 78
Untitled
winter Jan 2021
why can't i just be who ive always been
but reinvent myself
so that i dont face this world alone?
why do i have to make myself
convenient, conventional
in order to be worthy of
understanding
Jan 2021 · 82
Untitled
winter Jan 2021
in bed for four hours and i
tell myself i just need to lay down
Jan 2021 · 68
Untitled
winter Jan 2021
The streetlamps of the highway
Frame the void ahead
The horizon rises
Consuming the sky
The night reaches upwards
As if persuading us to succumb
Jan 2021 · 117
Untitled
winter Jan 2021
Remember those foggy days, Afton?
I was with you when the snow melted
Dec 2020 · 41
Untitled
winter Dec 2020
unlovable
for the last time I
will hope that another will come along
I hope that
Looking out these windows is a sign
that death is near
and nearer than you
I am so poorly written
i'm sick of it
Dec 2020 · 63
Untitled
winter Dec 2020
I cant believe it but ive
Forgotten this feeling
Of craving to be near someone
Even if it isnt you
I might have hope for me
Dec 2020 · 62
Untitled
winter Dec 2020
Today is a day
I never thought I'd make it to
living every day knowing that
no one is promised tomorrow
yet wondering if there is life for me
wondering if i might live
for longer than a moment
Dec 2020 · 45
Untitled
winter Dec 2020
Didn't think id make it this long
Accepted that im done for
Not sure if ill wake up but if I do
What will it mean for me
Accepted that im meaningless
or at least dont want a meaning anymore
I just want to be done for
Dec 2020 · 76
Untitled
winter Dec 2020
The first weekend of quarantine
I bleached my hair from black
to a neon pink and yellow pulse
My family booked a room at the Ramada hotel,
the only family there
I practiced opera in the empty bathtub while they swam
While they slept I layed outside
on the porch
in all my black clothes
listening to 200km In the Wrong Direction by tATu
on full blast through my headphones
The pain was pent up
And expelled through that hysterical humidity
Nov 2020 · 74
Untitled
winter Nov 2020
all i know
is that there is no one watching over us
Nov 2020 · 40
Untitled
winter Nov 2020
god is a black hole
Nov 2020 · 1.1k
Untitled
winter Nov 2020
death's arms around me
as if they've always been
they cradled me
in my childhood bedroom
the warmth I recognize still
they slow my pulse and calm me
they lull me
to my home, the empty
Oct 2020 · 44
Untitled
winter Oct 2020
exiting out of **** sites to google
life advice from morticians
Oct 2020 · 40
Untitled
winter Oct 2020
scrubbing the tears off from under my chin
this was an accident
but i don't have the heart to change it
Oct 2020 · 45
Untitled
winter Oct 2020
I repeat the ******'s word like he was meant
to live within me
I say it like an anthem
as if death took form and walked through my door
and gave me words to worship
as some personal salvation
it invades my nightly silence:
"I am young enough to repaint and
old enough to sell"
I make it a multitude of myself
Oct 2020 · 37
Untitled
winter Oct 2020
I’m scared
I don’t want to meet someone 10 years
in the future and have to do it all over. Who I am now is important.
Who I was in my childhood is so important.
I’m terrified of being so infinitely unknown
I just want to feel home
in someone or just somewhere
I wish 'childhood trauma' didn’t have to ******* up
so bad
years down the line.
Will it affect me forever?
Will it linger as a part of me forever?
Will it one day be so painfully insignificant that
I can move on with my life like everybody else?
Is that what I want?
Oct 2020 · 73
Untitled
winter Oct 2020
saying your name
under my breath
over and again
Oct 2020 · 62
3
winter Oct 2020
3
Days of you saying "I'll go there for you"
and we waited so long
they won't be waiting for us

These days girls have started calling me
their best friend
While I sit here alone
It feels just as it was before

Annika

What has become of us
How have you made it so far away and
why are we alone

Ex-lover, premature,
daydreams of whispering in her ear
Dreams of her again being mine
(but I know I'm only) longing for an old companion

Even if it'll always be you
Afton Magenta
Even if it is only you
Sep 2020 · 36
Untitled
winter Sep 2020
How many more times am I going to return to this corner of my room
Asking why I've come back to this pain
The bass of it pounds and cancels all other noise until I
Can no longer fathom overcoming it
When will this pain leave me behind
Will it return to me always
Sep 2020 · 34
Untitled
winter Sep 2020
Can't get rid of the smell of smoke
And the wounds at my side won't calm down
Sep 2020 · 50
Untitled
winter Sep 2020
I'm tired
I'm cold
What did I just take
You haven't replied to my texts in days
All I want is to be better for you
Why can't you just say something to my face
Sep 2020 · 47
Untitled
winter Sep 2020
Nevermind
Sep 2020 · 40
Untitled
winter Sep 2020
don't worry
I'll start writing shorter poems
eventually
Sep 2020 · 36
Untitled
winter Sep 2020
o god o let me find you
in this time where you are buried
so far beneath and
all I can hope to do is guard the soil
let me lay over the ice top
not to warm it from the outside
but to let my silhouette be present to you
you who are so far below
this premature hibernation
with no telling of when the ice will crack
and when the ice will break for you
you who are free on the inside
and I
trapped on the outside
I will be here the moment you return
I will be here every moment before then
If only to be a reassurance to you
beneath my feet like an earthquake that I know someday is bound to happen
even if there really is no telling
I know you are there and
I know that you will find me too
Sep 2020 · 41
Untitled
winter Sep 2020
My fifth grade self got down on her knees
In the center of her childhood bedroom
Held a steak knife to her stomach
Juliet-style
Because that was the only way she, (at that time of her life), knew how to do it
Other than jumping off a London Bridge into some clamoring river
But she couldn't figure a way to get to London
And was more afraid of heights than she was of death
Sep 2020 · 68
Untitled
winter Sep 2020
The empty square where the app had been
I used it only to speak to you
so now the lot is vacant
It is a new level of disconnect
a notion I can't help to feel
that I am repeating
I can't stand the silence
Sep 2020 · 34
Untitled
winter Sep 2020
here i am again
somehow eternally stuck in this position
scrubbing the guilt off your shoulders
as I pack my bags
Sep 2020 · 44
Untitled
winter Sep 2020
I open my phone
its a text from you
that takes all of passing
to read
3 paragraphs to delicately explain
how and why we are through
If I knew
I wouldn't have opened it
The door shuts
and she tells me to read the poem aloud
My stare that compensates
For the dull of my mouth
Sep 2020 · 46
Untitled
winter Sep 2020
The tears on my pillow won't dry
They've gotten cold
I wait for your reply and
bury myself further into the bed
The weather changes
Impermanently
Sep 2020 · 38
Untitled
winter Sep 2020
I am my own blackhole
Sep 2020 · 36
Untitled
winter Sep 2020
its the horror
of seeing them at the age you were
facing the same pain
Sep 2020 · 40
Untitled
winter Sep 2020
a day again
and still I'm saying
I need help
Sep 2020 · 37
Untitled
winter Sep 2020
I am not the same
And nothing new
Sep 2020 · 35
Untitled
winter Sep 2020
I think very often of our pain
I think very often. why can't we care for each other
What is it that stops us
What is it that holds me back from holding you and holding them
and what stops them from letting go
letting go
To give up
and give your hand
and live instead
and live with compassion
Sep 2020 · 42
Untitled
winter Sep 2020
She hears me not when I call
for her but when I call her name
I see the lines that catch around
her frame, but cannot see her face
I think to speak although she's nowhere near
And dare to dream although I know
she lies awake
in hopes to lie alone and lie for long
Along that growl that she hides behind her
dully, she stares, nothing
And I see it
And I know
She won't let me pry myself apart
but shes gone from me
Sep 2020 · 42
Untitled
winter Sep 2020
Smooth and undefined
My pen is unguided
My papers scratched apart
I fear the tear in the white
but I ruin it still
Sep 2020 · 32
Untitled
winter Sep 2020
I think one of these days I might try to rhyme
Sep 2020 · 40
Untitled
winter Sep 2020
Horribly hollow
I face the bell jar
with daydreams of face paint
And a pair of nail clippers
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