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Dec 2020 · 54
Loose
Ana Habib Dec 2020
the details of how you passed on
are slowly emerging
from the phone
from the computer
from the mouth of strangers
I do not know what hurts less
reading it all on paper and glass
or hearing them with my own ears
one way or another
I still feel like I am bleeding
I still feel like I am breaking
trying to keep everything together
hopelessly failing
but still trying to stay intact
Dec 2020 · 48
One Last Trip
Ana Habib Dec 2020
One Last Trip
The weather must have been really bright when you left home
I just wished you were feeling the same
Your friends must have been really happy with no worries for the day
I just wish you were feeling the same
The beach must have looked really beautiful
Peaceful
I wish you felt the same way
The sand super smooth
The air clear
The water extra blue
I just wish I knew what you were thinking
You should have reached out
Instead of living a lie
You all must have dined on fresh seafood, flatbread, mashed foods and coconut water
Your favourites
I just wish I knew what you were thinking
Your friends must have walked along paths taking turns telling stores
While you tagged along pretending to be OK and telling no one about your pain
I still wish I knew what you were thinking
Life at home was unbearable I imagine
Minus the pandemic
Your wife kept you on your toes
Your children kept you busy
But as soon as the food water and medication ran out
Your worries and frustration ran high
You still never said anything over the phone
Through the screen
I went along with it
Your thought of everyone
You spared us all from worry and sandiness
But really all I feel now is pain
A deep ache in the shape of a huge hole
Its eating its way right through the heart
I don’t know how far this will go
Dec 2020 · 71
Father Figure
Ana Habib Dec 2020
I woke up knowing that I was not going to have a good day
But nothing, absolutely nothing could have prepared me
for what I was about to deal with next
The very unexpected news of your demise
I broke down right after
Every was off
Surreal even
The day dragged on
I might as well have been drugged too
Nothing was making sense
It was up to me to gather the facts
Of what was your last day om earth
Your final moments
I am not blaming anyone
We all have to go
One by one
We are all in line
Without the knowledge of who will go next
I understand that much
But nothing else is making sense
I am doing what I can
As quickly as I can
But I don’t fee like being alone with my thoughts
I cried and I thought I was done
But all I'm looking for now is a distraction
Or maybe 10
The news has spread
The prayers are pouring in
Your are finally one with the earth
But your loss will be felt for a very long time
I fear for my mom and her siblings
I fear for the family and children you have left behind
But I hope you are in a better place now
I already know you were a good man
Who had done so much for people
Those very far and those close to home
Who always found a reason to smile
Had the gift to make others laugh till their sides hurt
Till they got the hiccups
Who had faced many ups and downs
Lived by his means
But could always spare something for someone else in need
I will always remember you
As someone who loved me
As someone who helped raise me
As someone who made me laugh
As someone who was there to wipe away my tears
As someone who always had something nice to say
Even when I ******* up
As someone who did not hesitate to speak on my behalf on the days it seemed like the whole world was against me
As someone who always thought of me and wished me well
As someone who always kept me in his prayers
These words cannot fully express how much I will miss you
How deeply your loss will be felt
But I hope you are happy now
May your soul finally rest in peace
Dec 2020 · 38
S.C.R.E.W.E.D
Ana Habib Dec 2020
S= Thank god she's not home yet
C= coach bag and purse to match
R=Ruby rings and diamonds too
E=Empire dresses with a belted waist
W= wine and a watercolour set
E= Estee Lauder Holiday Set for $600
D= Dior Perfume
Dec 2020 · 39
Morning Surprise
Ana Habib Dec 2020
The sun is up but he is not
He always expects breakfast in bed
At the stroke of nine
In fishnet stockings, gloves and frills
Steaming hot
Freshly squeezed
Lavishly buttered
Dripping wet
I have on my candy lips
Vanilla body butter
But something is still amiss
Maraschino cherries
Dec 2020 · 43
Rain Check
Ana Habib Dec 2020
I cant talk to you today
I won be able to talk to you tomorrow either
Maybe for the entire summer even
Something is wrong
Not with me
My parents
Brother too
My father does not go out for much
Except for work and church
He has been complaining about aches and pains
He wants to lie still all day long
He can’t eat anything accept for bone broth and porridge
He complains of a fever
But everything looked normal
He says he sees something on certain nights
A willowy white figure standing by the edge of his bed
Sometimes looking through a window
He won’t tell me who it is
Sister, grandma a possible mistress?
My mom has not been feeling too good either
I mean she looks okay
She works like a mad woman you know,
But when you talk to her
She barely acknowledges that you are there
It’s like she is in a trance
She lives on coffee and crackers
Down the hall
Stays my brother
Up at all hours
Doing something in his room
It smells kind of funny too
Claims that he has insomnia
I have seen him pop melatonin pills like they are tic tacs
So yea thanks for checking up on me
I still don’t know what is going on
But I cant talk to you today
I wont be able to talk to you tomorrow either
Dec 2020 · 34
So I am afraid
Ana Habib Dec 2020
I have not been completely honest
I know I am strong
but at the same time also vulnerable
I know this is not love
It cant be because I am afraid
you are a nice person
drama free and wholesome
pretty parents and manicured lawns
lexus rides and chalets
it all sounds so perfect
looks so great to the naked eye
but I still would not be able to fall in love
because I am afraid
if I begin to love then I will become attached
If i begin to love then I will stop being rational and aim for something that really is not there
if I begin to love then that means I will be free to get hurt
shed tears again
say self damaging things in the name of self defence
All things I know I am capable of
But this cant be love
because I am afraid
to love
to loose
to break and turn to dust
Dec 2020 · 43
Her Laughter
Ana Habib Dec 2020
Emitted from Ruby lips
Or barely there gloss
A silent chuckle
A mischievous snicker
A cute giggle
Embarrassing snort
Excited chortle
I met her today
We exchanged pleasantries
Reminisced
I could still her make laugh
But was surprised at what came out
It was short
Almost forced
A brittle laugh
I almost expected her to shiver
like someone who is running out of breath
running out of hope
I wonder what happened
Dec 2020 · 41
Counting Blessings
Ana Habib Dec 2020
Huff and puff
The 5 second smile
Spin
Dip
Twirl

No where near a phone
A message or 2
Flowers at the door
Chocolates leading up to the bedroom

Keeping quiet and throwing away the key
Your dimples are on show
Wrapped like a burrito
Warm ramen
Sappy dialogues

Under the weather
Golden bell
Blanket for two
Dark chocolate
Raspberry tea
Mini marshmallows

Its been a day
Bubble robe and lavender
Sparkle and bows
Cheesecake and amaretto
Tangled up with you
Dec 2020 · 38
Death Wish
Ana Habib Dec 2020
This feels like a death sentence
For a crime I did not commit

**** me now
It would be a lot kinder
Ana Habib Dec 2020
When I met you, my heart raced
When I met you, my hands shook
When I met you, my knees went weak
When I met you, my heart was full

Time passed

When I think about about you now my heart still races
because you are no longer beside me
When I think about you now my hands still shake
because you left in a rush
When I think about you now knees still go weak
Because I know I lost you forever
When I think about you now my heart is still full
Of grief
Dec 2020 · 35
Untitled
Ana Habib Dec 2020
Is there ever a good time to approach a man
Who has been hurting for a very long time
Confused and misguided
Confidence sinking
Debts pilling
I didn’t know anything about all this
You never asked for help
Never made a peep
Quiet, still and asked for space
I have been having a rough time myself
Its been..
Months
I have told no one because I thought I could handle it
I didn’t come to you because I know you would say the wrong thing
Make me feel worse or turn a basic conversation into full fledged argument
I have been quiet
Because I am confused myself
Anything I will say will later turn into a fight
My thoughts make no sense
The conclusion is no where in sight
You spoke you mind
I promised to listen from start to end
I promised to not interrupt
I promised myself I wouldn’t cry
But I feel down right now
Very small
I asked for a hug
I asked for your time
I asked for you to be a little more kind
Engage in acts that show love
Engage in acts that show compassion
But no there is no time for that
its not even a possibility
I am not acting my age
I am being immature
I am being delusional
I am live in a fantasy land
You are all grown up and need all the time in the world
To figure out all the pieces of your life
Get organized and conquer the world
I fit no where
As soon as all the words left my lips
I felt like the biggest fool in the world
I promised myself I wont cry
But now I fear I am breaking
What kind of man shames a person for reminding him of her rights?
of all things that should come naturally
What kind of a man shames a person for asking for love?
Dec 2020 · 38
To hear me talk
Ana Habib Dec 2020
I complain too much
I know
Blame it on my age
My inexperience
My foolishness
My endless optimism
It will change
It will all end soon
I am starting to realize now
Today in fact
That I am the one who was wrong
Who made all the mistakes
Asking too much from the wrong person
What is normal to me
Is foreign to you
What is important to me
Is fantasy to you
What hurts me
is just weakness to you
My problems just sound like complaints
My mental health is just fluff
Nothing to pay attention to
Something that will just go away
With a wave of the hand
A walk in the park
Smoke rings and alcohol breath
Will shut it all down
I've been praying for change for so long
Now I realize things have been wrong between us since the beginning
Its no paradise
But I'm the fool
Dec 2020 · 42
Feelin Cheap
Ana Habib Dec 2020
Why do some people keep on making the same mistakes?
Over and over again
With a different person maybe
But the pain is the same
It hurt then
It hurts even more now
Age that does maybe
Time has passed
she is a year older
wearing a new face
carrying the same old scars
hoping someone or something new
will keep her mind off of them
distract her
make her feel shiny and brand new
make her feel worthy again
because god knows she has serious self esteem problems
unable to say no
turns no one away
wakes up to make others happy
goes to bed until she is beaten and defeated
always smiles but walks with a lost look in her eyes
always laughs
but is broken
Ana Habib Nov 2020
The family of two would soon be turning into 3. Jasmine and Robyn  Banerjee were a young couple who had gotten married only a few short month back and were now eagerly waiting for the arrival of the baby. Jasmine, did not care if was a boy or girl. She and her husband agreed that as long as the baby was healthy had her mom eyes and dads smile everything was perfect.

Her in-laws had other ideas. They looked after her and was very understanding about her plight. The morning sickness, violent mood swings, acne, aches and pains. They advised her on what they thought was right but every few days or so her mother in law had something new to say. “ Don’t eat too much of something or the baby will have birthmark just like it somewhere on the body” or eat fish so that the “baby will be smart” or something more annoying like “ do not bathe, the baby might be born early” The mother to-be smiled politely or rolled her eyes as far back as possible while silently wishing someone would take her a way from these kooky people.

Jasmine, was a school teacher by profession and her husband Robyn ran a very successful travel agency. She had been told that it would be best if she resigned from work, at the very beginning of her pregnancy. Robyn provided for both and why did a woman need to work after a child is born?

Baby Dia was born on a Friday at 8pm in a clinic after a long and tiring labour. Both the doctor and nurse were smiling when they handed the pink bundle of cries to Jasmine. She did not even have 10 minutes alone with the baby before the door burst open with an eager set of grandparents and a father who looked, troubled.

What is it? Cried one of the grandmothers

“A girl” said Jasmine smiling

“hmm”

“a boy would have been better”

“ I Know she would bring bad luck to the family”

Not something to tell a new mom but everyone was suddenly looking each other instead of her. No one went to congratulate the mom or take a second look at the baby. Jasmine’s mother in law looked upset. Her mom just patted her hand, hurriedly mumbled something, and left the room with her father in tow. Jasmine felt bad upon hearing everything and wondered what kind of people she had been living with till now. Her husband was quiet the whole time.

Baby Dia grew up to be a happy smiling baby who made little to no fuss, slept through the night and always seemed excited about expanding her palate. She did not see much of her father or grandfather. They never showed much interest in her. They never warmed up to her. Robyn smiled, picked her up or played with his daughter every once in a while, but for the most part he worked long nights, on the weekend and went on week long trips when he needed to.

Robyn was working late again for the third time this week. He had hoped for a boy for so long but ended up with a daughter. She was precious to look at but women are complicated, expensive and overly emotional.

One afternoon, 4 year old Dia was playing outside with a few of the neighbourhood children. She had great fun but came home looking a little more then just *****. Her pink frock had holes in it, her wavy hair came undone and she was holding only one shoe in her hands. Her mother was no where to be seen but her grandmother hollered at the girl.

“Look at you, dirt all over the place,” why cant you just play inside with your dolls or toys only boys get this ***** and stay out so late” Dia paid no attention to these words and went to her grandmother for a hug. The old woman shooed the little girl away and locked her in the bathroom.  “Don’t come out till your squeaky clean” her grandmother warned. What was the big deal about getting ***** Dia wondered?

When she had turned 7, Dia started attending events and invites with her parents. They were all invited to a wedding on a Saturday night. She no longer had to wear scratchy frocks anymore. Her mother had bought her something better. A pant suit with a pink scarf. Dia loved it and dressed up by herself with no help. The dress was great, but the scarf was a nuisance. It was long and she felt suffocated. What was there to hide? Her mom draped in a pink saree, frowned when she came out wearing no scarf.

“Put on your scarf it comes with the dress”

“I don’t want to its ugly and I wont able to play with this on”

The normally calm woman, suddenly felt annoyed.

“Look, I have a shawl and your grandmother is wearing one too” that’s just how women dress, and that includes little girls.”

Her grandmother sitting in the back of the car murmured something about teaching her manners and modesty. Dia didn’t flinch

“ I have manners and my legs are not showing” Modesty in the “Banarjee” household meant that woman were not to expose their legs or back or any other parts of the body except for the hands and feet” Such rules did not apply to the men.

The next morning Jasmine spoke to Dia about the incident.

“I wanted you to wear the scarf last night because its how girls dress. You are a girl and you have to cover yourself to avoid trouble. Good girls always cover themselves and listen to their parents.”

Dia nodded but she didn’t understand anything. She was hungry and just wanted to eat.

When Dia was 11. One of her father’s colleagues came over. A kind man, his wife and annoying son. She liked them. They always brought over presents. She had gotten blue bangles last time. She saw them, from her window. She could not leave her room until her mother called for her.  It was always to work in the kitchen, Serve the guests, tea and snacks, set the table and do the dishes while everyone talked in the living room or sat in the backyard. Everything had to be cleaned up and the tea had to be exactly right. Not too dark, or too sugary. Grandmother says that if a girl did not know how to make proper tea she would not get a good husband in the future. Dia smirked when she heard this, her husband can have milkshakes for all she cared. She hated tea. Drink too much of it and she would get darker. Drink to little of it and the headaches would start. Dia could only leave the room when they left. No one really stayed over except of her mother’s parents, cousins and the occasional 50 pounds overweight aunty who always had her face in the refrigerator and inquired about her grades and skin tone every single visit. Girls were expected to stay indoors as much as possible. Always hidden but from what Dia could not always understand.

A few days after Dia turned 12 she had gotten her period. She read all about it on the internet and the librarian at school had lent her some books while explaining everything to her. Such topics were never discussed at home. It was a horrible experience. The bleeding, cramping, headaches and bouts of anger. All this because she was girl, every month for a very long time. 50 years perhaps. Her mother and grandmother smiled, when she told them. They took her out for lunch and bought her new clothes. She could no longer wear shorts or sleeveless tops anymore, even in the privacy of her own room. A brassiere had to go with everything now and long scarves and vests were a must. Along with this Dia had to follow other rules. She could not wash her hair on the first day of her period, she could not bathe in hot water. She could not paint her nails, have anything sour (pickles, lemonade) or make food for anyone because everything will spoil. She could not enter a place of worship or cradle baby because he/she might get sick. Dia thought all this was pointless and when she inquired about it, she got a smack to the face for questioning ancient rules and rituals and was told that this was how it was for every woman before her in the family. She earned a second smack when she asked who made the rules. Probably a man.

On her 14th birthday. Dia had gotten into a fight with one of her best friends. It was over something trivial. What to wear for a school event? Dia had settled for a saree and her friend settled on a gown. Dia was not fair but a little dusky. Her friends skin tone was like milk. The girl took great pride in that. She went as far as saying that Dia’s grey saree made her look like a crow. Dia was too upset to say anything in return, so she quickly walked home. She walked to her room and did not come out till the next day. Jasmine had noticed her daughter’s sour behavior and snappy remarks, so she asked what was wrong. Dia tearfully told her the truth. Her mom laughed and said that good friend’s squabble over anything and forget it 2 days later. Gave her money for ice cream and a movie and left for work. Her grandmother while doing the dishes told her that it was normal for girls for fight because women are competitive, they always want the best for themselves and have no problem belittling someone else to get it. Dia asked why, she got the usual response. “that’s how girls are” Dia through her grandma was being extra negative that day.

When Dia turned 18, she met a young man through one of her classes. She was studying health sciences and aspired to be a dentist when she was much older. Teeth always fascinated her since she was young. Her friend was a taller a bit older (21) and studying to be an Emergency Medical Technician. Dia and this boy had been friends for awhile now. He came from a good family and had no siblings. But she always thought him to be a friend. They studied together, hung around and had fun. He on the other hand started asking too many questions and took up a lot of her time. He was nice, positive and always made her laugh, but she had to let him know how she felt about him. She thought of speaking to her mom about this. Her father had heard everything instead. He sat beside her, listened to everything, and told her to wait for the boy to come to her and then break him the news gently. There was no need to talk to him first and cause a scene at the college campus. This would affect her studies and make her look her bad. This upset Dia in a major way. A woman was able to have feelings, but she could not voice them out? She could not take the first step in a relationship?  She mumbled her thanks and took a long shower that night, thinking everything over. The next day she approached her father again. He gave her a long look and said that if she broke things off with him first, he could go around spreading rumors or get her in trouble at school. No one likes a bold woman who always speaks her mind. She should just focus on her studies. Dia did not press him any further. She went on with her everyday life and lost him as a friend in a month’s time.

A week shy of her 21st birthday, Dia received an acceptance letter from a prestigious university. She was ecstatic and did cartwheels after reading the letter. Her parents had no qualms about her studying at a university that was far away from home or living in a hostel. She had matured into a young woman who they could trust and she had not made a faulty decision till now. Dia was not interested in parties, drinking, or staying overnight with friends. She was a good girl. However, they only let her go after letting her know that they would start looking for a boy once she graduated from her program. Dia said yes without thinking to much about this. Graduation was still 4 years away.

Dia went to complete university in less then 4 years time. She did not waste any time after graduation and enrolled into dental school. She had flunked only 1-2 courses during one semester. Her grandmother had died during one of them and her grades fell just slightly. This brought upon change in the Banerjee family. Her father had changed after his mom’s death. He was no longer in a rush to get Dia married and stopped working. He picked up a hobby and worked on that. Her mother took a break from teaching and now worked as a guidance counsellor for teens at a reputable high school.

During this time Dia was going steady with another dentistry student, with her parent’s permission. He was alright in most ways but sometimes pressured her to take their relationship to the next level. She always resisted and asked him to wait till they get married. Woman had to remain pure till they got married. If one’s purity is gone or lost it would bring great shame to the family and the couple. He said he he understood until one day he did not anymore. In a fit of rage, he let her know she belonged to him and he could do what he liked. They would be getting married soon so why did it matter. She resisted the urge to strike him and let him know that she belonged to no one but herself. He called her names before calling it quits. It hurt, but Dia knew that she would meet the right man sooner or later. Her parents did not say anything to her regarding this.

When Dia was 25 she did meet someone, he was a doctor and she went to become a dentist. They did not a have a grand wedding but a small private ceremony. They had paid for everything and Dia sent her parents on a much-needed vacation. Her husband, he did not pressure her to do anything she did not like. He grew up abroad and helped her in all the things that men did not normally do back home like cooking, cleaning, shopping because this was considered to be “ Woman’s work” and was “normal” This surprised her at first but amazed her later on. One night after too much wine and fun her husband went to bed.  Dia was still awake giddy from the wine and had other things on her mind. She gently woke her husband up. He was not pleased. “Let me sleep woman, its not the time to do anything and I have to get up early. He left it at that and was snoring in minutes.

She looked at him and frustration and wondered why it was normal and acceptable for men to satisfy their needs wherever and whenever possible, but a woman was always rebuked when she wanted something from her husband. She had certain needs and rights over him. She quickly undressed, slipped into a nighty, and went to sit in the balcony for a bit. The moon was out and the world was dead asleep.
Dia poured herself the last of the wine and thought about everything.

A woman always has two choices to fight or to follow the rules. Since birth woman are groomed into becoming a certain type of woman, once they get to that stage they are either married off or left to work and hop from one relationship to another. They were taught to be quiet, obedient, smart and always fully covered.

Why did a woman need to be covered at all times? Not just her body but her mind as well. She must keep mum about her wants, her needs, and desires. She always must think about the others and society before deciding on something. No one looks up to a woman who speaks her mind and focuses on herself. No one appreciates an independent woman. She must always be dependant on a male somebody (father, brother, husband, son). She must always do what she is told and taught because that is the way it is. That is how girls are.

This is all Dia grew up listening to. Who came up with the rules? Society. A society, where men dictated most things and told woman what they should and should not do. When a man will never understand what women go through or why they must handle and balance out so much. School, home, family, career. A woman always has to choose.

Everything comes down to a choice and she will forever have to sacrifice something or the other because it is the womanly thing to do. Men are never really questioned about their choices. They talk, they lead, and the women follow. That needs to change. People need to unlearn these age-old stereotypes. They hurt both the men and women. A man grows up but ends up lacking so much in terms of emotional intelligence and respect for the other gender. He grows without understanding what gender equality means and why it is needed.  A woman grows up but not without sacrifice, selflessness, and crippling obedience. She is seen as inferior, weak, or untamable if she does not do what she is told, asks too many questions and wants to better herself in some way or form.

A woman’s identity should not be made from excuses and lies.
Ana Habib Nov 2020
Dead Ringer

As Janey’s coffin was lowered onto the ground Adam Graham looked away. The funeral had a been a small affair, twenty-five people showed up. An 8 year relationship was now over and buried into the ground, along with his dreams. No, their dreams to move forward. There would never be a white wedding in the Himalayas now or a  house made from wood and glass in front of the beach. Adam did not want to talk to anyone so he decided to excuse himself and search for his car. He just hated funerals.  

Adam picked up the pace. Once he got in, he began to search for a small flask filled with something called “fireball” a warm orangish liquid that burned the throat. Adam took a few quick sips to steady himself and put the metal flask back into the glove-box. After what seemed like a long time his mom knocked on the window to be let in. She took off the black feathered mess that sat on top of her head, buckled up and was ready to go home.  Flora lived in Veudreuil-Dorian,. A suburban in greater Montreal. It was home to approximately 38,000 people and was a great place to raise a family. It was a small looking house that had three bedrooms, 2 baths and a newly renovated basement complete with sound-proofing walls, and a bar. Flora got out of the car and quickly started for the steps of her house. After fetching a brassy looking key underneath a false rock, the old woman walked inside.  
She shed out her clothes and locked herself inside the bathroom. Water and wine always made her feel better. Her son opted for the same thing except he hid another flask, this time full of Jack Daniels. No one felt like cooking that night so Adam dialed for pizza along with other fried favourites, in an attempt to eat away at his sadness. It did not help very much but he went to bed around 1 am while his mom stayed back. Flora sneakily  logged onto Adams navy blue HP laptop  and surfed the net for a bit. Tonight she was not looking through her emails or shopping for planters Flora was going to make multiple profiles of her son on various dating sites like Ok Cupid, eHarmony and maybe even Tinder. She could not find too many that suited her but his had to be done. She uploaded a recent picture of Adam, one taken during her 55th birthday party. She had typed out the following onto his profile

“ A scorpion 38 year author looking for friendship romance and fun in a woman who loves to go out long walks, eat thai food, read religiously and save the world one day at a time”

It was 4:42 AM and something went “ding” multiple times in his room. Adam sat up in bed and reached for his Iphone.

“ What the—’’ Multiple requests were coming in from Ok Cupid, Tinder and something called the Escape Adam rubbed his eyes and dismissed everything. He was not ready to date! not even the women his mother approved of.

“Good morning mom, Is there anything you want to tell me” “

Flora had her back to him and was busy frying something on the stove. The kitchen smelled like fresh batter, fruits and coffee”
Adam got straight the point.

“ I do not want to date any time soon Ma, I am going to take this time to work on my latest manuscript and see where that takes me, so don’t bother introducing me to any of your friends daughters or nieces.

Flora sighed and piled his plate with food. He ate in a hurry because he wanted some peace and quiet. He was going to drive to the nearest Starbucks and spend the remainder of his day there.
Adam walked out of the house and towards the car. He was about open the car door, when a 5’4 amber haired, doe eyed woman blocked the way.

He had no time for this but she looked like she had all the time in the world.

“ Hi are you Adam Graham? ”

“ Yes I am and I have no—”

I am  Nicole and I noticed your profile on Escape this morning. I was hoping that we could talk or go out for coffee”

“Get in” Adam gestured towards his car.

Nicole squealed and talked non- stop till they got to Starbucks.
Niciole was 29. They had gone to the same high school. She completed university in Toronto in Psychology, masters as well and was now working as counsellor for people who suffer from eating disorders, addictions and ****** trauma.  She ordered the drinks and he found the perfect table but something told him he was not going to get much writing done today. She was very talkative and made him laugh. Over the course of the next few hours, well until closing time. Nicole and Adam talked about everything. There was just something about her that put him to ease, she was very insightful and pretty too… Adam got to know that she was into water sports, loved to travel like he did, had fostered a kitten and wrote in her spare time.  

There must have been something in the coffee because Adam let Nicole know about Janey. She didn’t say anything but left him, her number. It was 10pm when they departed. Adam was feeling better and he had agreed to meet Nicole again the next morning.
Flora was no where to be seen the next morning, She left a note saying that she was busy with a friend and hoped that Nicole was worth his time. His mom had done research on the girl after she pried every detail out of him last night.

Nicole decided to see him that morning. She wore no make up and had on a lilac coloured dress. Janey loved lilacs. They had brunch at “Allo mon Coco” Adam settled for crab cakes Benedict and she happily munched her way through a tower of apple and cheddar pancakes.  Janey loved the combination of apples and cheddar too.. after brunch Nicole and Adam spent the next few hours at a flea market looking at bits and pieces of practically everything.
Adam went straight to the booth that sold movies and books and Nicole was skimming through romance novels and necklaces. At the end, Adam bought all the DVDs to underworld and she a necklace made from black pearls.
Adam paid for the necklace and dropped her home.

Nicole and Adam had become a couple at this point and they spent as much time as possible. Date night now happened 3 times a week and she was slowly helping him overcome his grief. Adam believed that he will always love Janey, but it felt nice to have her presence around.  Nicole in return hoped that he really and truly liked her. She never liked Janey very much but she was determined to become a better woman then dead Janey. Nicole paid attention whenever he spoke very fondly of his wife with that look in his eyes and took notes on what she was like.
Nobody liked it when she was herself, but maybe Adam will like it if she was more like Janey.

After 6 months of dating Nicole texted Adam to meet her at Le Colbert, An Italian restaurant.  He did not ask any questions. Life was great, his mom finally stopped pestering him, she approved of her and his book was really coming along. It was about two lovers who died a tragic death but meet again in the afterlife. He dedicated it to Janey.

Adam got there at 8:00 and she walked in at 8:05. Adam did not know what to say. Nicole had changed into somebody else. She dyed her auburn hair black, wore grey contacts, had on a leather dress that brought attention to her assets and walked around in a pair of black platforms. Nicole looked exactly like Jamey when he first brought her here six years ago. He was suddenly feeling very nervous but she looked confident as hell. She kissed him on the lips and opened the bottle of wine.  She had already ordered “Surf N Turf” for him

She filled up his glass with Sauvignon Blanc and then hers, repeatedly.

“Do you like it Adam?” Nicole asked

“ I have liked you for so long but I couldn’t tell you that night, you brought Janey in here and I served you that evening. You were going to ask her to marry you and all I could do was just watch.” So I left Montreal that same night and decided to only come back after I’ve made something of myself” I’ve lost all that weight, people notice me now and I know you like me too” This was how it was meant to be …

Adam gulped down the wine in seconds and felt very dizzy, he was suddenly experiencing chest pains and his heart was racing

“Are you alright darling?”

Her voice sounded very distant and then everything went still.
Nov 2020 · 36
Cognac Kisses
Ana Habib Nov 2020
Not sure what time it is right now
I am finally awake
Awake from what must have been a dream last night
Sitting down by the cozy fireplace
Toes splayed out
After a meal of duck breast red wine and dark cherries
Watched you put the finishing on what I thought was dessert
When the lights went off
the fire blazed
You made your way towards me
With a small decanter of cognac
It was only inches away from my lips
You clumsily dropped it
Not sure it if you did it on purpose
The green velvet had to come off
You had been eyeing it all night
The lace too
Drenched in cognac
yours for the taking
no more restraint
shirtless
unreadable
teeth sank into cognac flavoured skin
they sought out cherry lips
we never moved from the spot
But the thirst was quenched
Nov 2020 · 45
Food for thought
Ana Habib Nov 2020
Falling snow
Fuzzy slippers
Angora Sweater
Cozy kitchen
Baked croissants
Creme fraiche
Petite fours
Bottomless mimosas
Messy bun
Chocolate waves
Sprinkled freckles
diamond lace G string
Glossed lips
Pink toes
Nov 2020 · 25
Staying with you
Ana Habib Nov 2020
I woke up feeling worried and anxious
instead rested
it was already dark and snowing
but the feeling would not go away
It was after 5 pm
the feeling sat in the pit of my stomach
the pain was not from pangs of hunger
it was not the usual bit of sadness that always gnawed at my soul
I still could not figure it out
something bad was going to happen
I knew that much
walking out of the room suddenly seemed impossible
even though there was a sliver of light there to guide my path
something hit me
you were already gone
there was no one there in the next room
I just had not gotten used to this
Nov 2020 · 190
Stuck and nowhere to go
Ana Habib Nov 2020
he counts the money
I count calories
he dresses up like he always has a board meeting to attend
you can usually find me in pastel coloured tees and black tights
he eats like he is on a diet
I eat like I just broke up
He leafs through big old dusty encyclopedia's
I have my nose in one of his mothers many cookbooks
he drinks spritzers and tonic
I have the weirdest craving for Smirnoff
he sits in his lazyboy and flips through the news and sports channel
all I have been watching a lot of is Gordon Ramsey
he lost a deal
I lost my recipe cards
Nov 2020 · 62
Saturday Night Fever
Ana Habib Nov 2020
It is after midnight
I am not even tired
I should be thinking about you
if you are alright
if your coming home tonight
or spending another night with that ******
yes I know about her
I have known for some time now
the cleaning lady didn't tell me this
the butler did not mention this
the cook did not tiptoe about this
the beautician hummed and hawed about this
my trainer might have mentioned something when he was on top of me
spotting!
A tall thing with a grecian nose and red curls
boxed dye i am sure
blue eyes a dab of lipstick and a lot of beauty-marks
she looks alright in my clothes
I know you stole my perfume and pearls
but what where you trying to do
class up a ******?
honey that is what she does for a living
law school is not cheap
cost me about 500 that night
we met at one of those hotels
I was only there for drinks when she came over
we talked we laughed had our nails and faces done
a sweet girl but what she sees in you I will never know
I still don't see it for myself
it is going to be 15 years soon
well I am not going to try your phone
or the car phone
you probably ate too
so I guess all there is left to do now
is change into that baby blue peignoir you bought for her
and take this tray up
indulge in chocolate caramel cheesecake
toffee ice cream and sauvignon blanc
should not keep Antoine waiting for too long
Nov 2020 · 45
The Message
Ana Habib Nov 2020
Not to long ago an wise lady let me know
that we are always one decision away from living a different life
we were laughing over something that day
I was responsible for styling her hair
she said it was her 32nd anniversary
she wanted to wear a crimson suit and black sensible shoes
I carried on cutting
styling
and curling
while she rummaged through a dusty pink velvet bag
her make-up bag no doubt
what does he do?
she snorted
nothing, I left him when i was 25
This is to being in dependant for the last 32 years
iI am celebrating self growth
I am celebrating inner peace
I am celebrating happiness
oh and my son will be here soon
Brian, I think he is just about your age
Nov 2020 · 35
Token
Ana Habib Nov 2020
The phone is dead
the roses have wilted
the chocolate have not been touched
this was all a very nice trick
I feel empty
just like this lavish hotel suite
I feel cold
under this thin warped Bob Mackie mini dress
I am conflicted
i still haven't opened the green velvet box
maybe that will explain things
oh its just a gold Cartier necklace
you should have choked me with it while you still had a chance
it would have stopped me from feeling
from missing you
Nov 2020 · 34
Unrecognizable
Ana Habib Nov 2020
In the mirror
I don’t recognize her
She had waist length hair
She used to be proud of it
Until it began to fall out
Five strands
Twelve strands
Later in clumps
One day while she was eating at table
Plopped right into her dinner
Instead of throwing it away
She uses it as stuffing
Hair for her dolls
She has eyes
Brown with yellow flecks
But she doesn’t know that anymore
She dreams in black now
A lovely singing voice
The church folks love it
Mother adores it
I always thought she was going to make it big
Bigger then the rest of us
That’s all gone now
She speaks in squeaks, grunts and moans
Broken sentences
She has taken to wearing black gloves in the house
Before it was just when she would go outside
They never come off
She will probably wear a veil next
She will never tell me the truth
But I know it is all because of a boy
Nov 2020 · 35
Rambling
Ana Habib Nov 2020
He is starting at the wall
With the hole in the middle
Dads ******* again
Smelled ripe too
Probably owes somebody money
He wonders what he will have to sell this week to make ends meet
Work at the plant has been pretty slow
His moms stuff has been secretly stowed away
She has been out of the picture for years now
He hasn’t forgotten her
He wont let anyone else forget her either
Only a couple more courses till he gets his GED
After that its bye bye to his **** poor place of a home
His dad just blends in the dirt now
Its everywhere
A smallish apartment in the city
A piece of paper allowing him to work from the bottom up to to open up his own club
People music and food
His formula for a good time
Don’t care much about the girls
With their oversized hoops
Skimpy clothes
And ribs sticking out
Rib everywhere!
Looked more like a place for anorexics then a real club last week
He wouldn’t serve alcohol
Mocktails, ****** drinks and beer the non intoxicating kind
***** gummies maybe?
Dad squanders everything every time hes on a drunken rampage
The suns down
The moons up
It didn’t matter
He takes the bottle to bed now
That’s no replacement for mom
He continues to stare at the wall
With the hole in the middle
No dinner tonight
No breakfast tomorrow
He will have to take out the last of the green stuff
Nov 2020 · 38
The Little Voice
Ana Habib Nov 2020
Can you still hear it
Every time you get up at 6 am to work a thankless permanent job for the rest of your life while he goes to the office and the kid is at school?

Can you still hear it
When you slave away at a 9-6 job at some fast food joint 6 days a week
Hoping that you'll get a raise soon because life at home is unbearable

Can you still hear it
As you work day and night to complete that bachelors degree in engineering so that you don’t have to stick around to see your father drink himself to death and your mom stressing herself out about how she is going to marry you off to someone good hearted stranger

Can you still hear it
As you come home to a clueless rich husband who prides himself on his work ethic and large circle of friends but still hasn’t figured out how to get close to you or make you smile after 7 years of marriage!

Can you still hear it
As you work to complete college work through night school working 2 different jobs and wonder if there is something better in store for you then staying in a relationship that doesn’t make you happy and was built on a promise to a dying parent or relative

Can you still hear it
As you spend another day in the hospital hoping it will be the last day of eating bland food, swallowing pill after pill, loosing more blood and living on the hope of finding a donor

Can you still hear it
As you waste another evening dressing up and putting on high heels for another boy to come see you, eat your food, whisper in his mother's ear and wait for the family to reject you because your too thin, too dark and too loud

Can you hear it
As you waste time day after day in the gym and find no joy in bulking up but would much rather be spending time handling paint, clay and ink

Can you hear it
As you wipe your tears and wonder what to feed your two babies because the cheque bounced and you wont get paid for another three days

The little voice that wants you to live for yourself and not others

The little voice that wants you to follow your heart and not live based on people’s opinions

The little voice that demands that you not settle for average and for something that you truly want instead

The little voice that screams that you deserve better

The little voice that yells that you shouldn’t stifle your dreams for others comfort, or false appearances

Find that voice before it turns into a whisper
Nov 2020 · 34
Swirls
Ana Habib Nov 2020
You stare into a pool of black
Swirling it to no end
I didn’t like her much you say
I want to laugh out loud
But I cant
It will sound like broken glass
Shes gone but finally happy
She liked you
She really tried
But got tired of waiting
For you to grow up
To come around
5 years and you haven’t changed much
You work now and yet you cant tame your tongue
You live in a big house now but you cant make proper eye contact
You drive a fancy car now but cant bring yourself to do something thoughtful or sweet
I don’t blame her for feeling bitter
I don’t blame her for moving away from you
You don’t look up from your drink
You begin to fidget with something else now
I want to shake you
I want to slap some sense into you
But you remind me that you didn’t like her very much
If she is to blame
Then so are you
But I don’t say anything
She is gone now
The house is empty
The papers have been sent
The ink has dried
You smiled when she left
But I don’t say anything
I stare into the pool of black
Swirling it to no end
Nov 2020 · 38
Crippled
Ana Habib Nov 2020
I cant say your name out loud
It makes everything seem too real
I leave the room whenever someone brings you up as a conversation starter
I stop what I am doing someone feels the need to swap my smile for a wounded look by intentionally saying something hurtful
I cant stare at mirrors for too long
I am not sure who I will see in the morning
I dress up to go out but I don’t even make to the second block because my thoughts turn to you
I tell myself today's the day that I'm finally going to finish a project that I started but it moves along so slowly
I think I will finally be able to get behind the wheel but all I end up doing is sitting still not sure what to do or where to go
something is just missing
I think I will finally be able to do without the pills just to get through another day
But I am wrong
Once night time comes along
I stop pretending
My energy seeps away
My motivation evaporates
My composure crumbles
My peace is no more
Nov 2020 · 36
Probation
Ana Habib Nov 2020
So tell me why I am here again
What crime have I really committed
Ankle bracelets turn you off
So you opted for a watch
It must be on my wrist all day long
I thought it was sweet you remembered my birthday
But you really shouldn’t have gotten me anything
Really!
I am practically under house arrest
You never let me go out
There's a **** curfew too
I can be out from 8-6pm
What!
The world goes to **** at 6:01pm?
I cant socialize with my friend
Absolutely no partying
No get togethers
No opportunities to rake in extra cash
You can stop sending in the envelopes
They get fatter every week
Sometimes its grass
Otherwise its snow
Sell your own stuff
Self respect
I don’t know what that is anymore
I have to be at your beck and call
I have to answer at the second ring
Doesn’t matter what I am doing
Where I am at
All the msgs have to read and recorded
Every expense has to be accounted for
My diet consists on what you think is right
My baths and showeres are timed
To conserve water? I don’t think so
No extra minutes on my life plan
Not even over the weekend
You say that you care
You say all you want to do is protect?
Me?
Yourself?
Your steps?
Your double life?
Your methods are so wrong
The uniform still fits
Will you spoon feed me next?
Put on a password for the tv?
Its late and I am tired
I stay awake on nights
Wondering if you’re a man
Or a monster
Thank gods my mom’s dead
No ones here to really see any of this
You still continue to fool everyone
Patrol car
Fancy badge
Aviators
The laws in this house are corrupt
I don’t know how my brain hasn’t rotted from all this by now
Nov 2020 · 32
Visiting Hours
Ana Habib Nov 2020
It won’t be long now
He has only got a few more minutes
An hour at best
The crazy juice finally did him in
His liver is rotting
His memories get incinerated
Night by night
One snippet at a time
The anger does not show
The bitterness is not there
In his eyes
The jealousy and pettiness
No longer burns bright
It has dwindled down to a single tiny flame
It will go out soon
I feel that I should say sorry
For being a bad son
For not not spending enough time with him
But I always sent him my second paycheck
For not being near him
I was always trying to save lives
But I can’t save him now
I want to say something
Some kind of a final goodbye
But I can’t bring myself to walk into the room
It smells of feces and failure
The rest of my siblings are all in there
One sitting still
Two staring at each other
Three staring into the light of their cellphones
I am adopted
So its different
My presence doesn’t really make a difference
Last I heard he looked tired
Defeated
Already gone
So I guess it’s OK that I am already making my way home
Nov 2020 · 37
When’s nobody’s awake
Ana Habib Nov 2020
No use in looking at the clock
He’s still sleeping
Softly snoring away
I wonder what’s he’s dreaming about
Not me I hope
I’m wide awake
I count all the stars on the walls for the third time
I pace down the hallway hoping it will calm me down
Turn on a light or two
Pour myself water to only not be able to drink it
The cold air doesn’t help
It grabs at my bare skin
Travels all the way up to my back
I stand by the window and see nothing
Listen for signs of life
the chirping of birds
Whizzing cars
Barking dogs
Splattering Rain
It’s no use
I’m not going back to sleep
I am up
But my demons are one step ahead of me
Nov 2020 · 53
The one standing
Ana Habib Nov 2020
Do I leave or ask him to stay?
Will it be different this time
Or will i fall for it all over again
All because of those **** eyes
A brilliant blue with flecks of grey
I can see a storm brewing in those eyes
everything gets better after a storm right?
Clear skies and all
The grey goes away and all that is left is spell-bounding shade of blue
So blue that it gives me hope
I want to trust him again, but how?
Another piece of me will just break off
If I take a step towards him
Then second and a third
I don't want to go very far
Just close enough to be embraced
To melt
that's not possible anymore
His eyes seek forgiveness
his body language signals ******
I can hear him talk
he speaks with a poisoned tongue
They spill sickly sweet words
Words that turn into phrases
Phrases that turn into sonnets
My ears have heard everything
I can tell you when the curtain will fall
my heart has not gone cold yet
My mind wants to believe him again
But how?
Nov 2020 · 35
Going Nowhere
Ana Habib Nov 2020
Walking
Running
Crawling
Sometimes in circles
All for nothing
I still have to return
To you
Your impatience
It never ends
Your arrogance
It never ends
Your anger
It never ends
Day after day
Night after night
It grows stronger
While I become weaker
How did it start?
You wont say
But I always trigger it
It’s not because you had a bad day
It’s not because some unfortunate soul passed away
Not because the bills are unpaid and lights flicker
Not because your tab at the bar is getting fatter
There is no pleasing you
Sit, bow, obey, beg
You have made me do it all
You have made me do it with a smile
My muscles ache
My tear ducts are dry
there is no pleasing you
there is no salvation
Nov 2020 · 42
Running
Ana Habib Nov 2020
Running out of time
Running out of excuses
yet these words will always linger on my breath
I still love you
Nov 2020 · 44
Another Attempt
Ana Habib Nov 2020
Just when I think I can make it
Out of bed
Out of the house
Something goes wrong
My resolve weakens
Step, step
crack
Step step
crack
They have all begun to talk about it again
About you and her
going on and on
About all the things that you do with her
like you used to with me
I nod like I understand what is happening
But I don't
I try to smile
But these eyes will brim with tears
Soon
For as long as I live
I will never get over it
Over you?
Over us?
which ever one hurts less
Or maybe hurt is all the same
My hands shake
They turn into fists
But before the day comes to an end
These hands will cup together in prayer
For you
For her
For all of you
Nov 2020 · 27
Too Many Like Her
Ana Habib Nov 2020
Pictures everywhere
On trees
The walls
Milk cartons and bottles of vino
Mirrors and buildings
Strewn all over the place
Like clues
Some show her face
Other have been slashed up
Eyes
Lips
I see them everywhere
Every day
A normal girl at first glance
With dark hair and even darker eyes
Eyes full of fierce determination
Eyes that tell a story
A sprinkle of freckles
Lips out to entice
And a light scar
Jagged
Right through one brow
Too bright to be a Jane doe
So I call her Vyola
I have a hunch
she is still awake
Around
Walking with a new face maybe
There isn’t much in this small town
A couple of hundreds of people
The majority with no dreams
The young work
working from morning to evening
The weak are forgotten
Not enough schools or libraries
Too many bars clubs and hidden casinos
Money talks
It screams
Its all the world cares about
I don’t know much about her background yet
she came from a family with too many kids and very little money
One meal a day
Broken windows
Dusty books
Yellowed sketch books
Dirtied school uniform
That’s all that’s left of her now
The dad doesn’t care
Mom still can’t forget her
First born
Its been a long time
A pretty woman
Stress and worry have erased a lot of it
But she never forgets to smile
When our eyes meet
Every morning
She spends hours cleaning
Takes only a moment to look at her worn out picture
On my desk
On the missing person’s wall
I am doing all that I can
But I know she has it a lot worse
Nov 2020 · 44
Stuck
Ana Habib Nov 2020
No more pink lenses
To try on
Memory after memory
Plays on
déjà vu
Leaves behind
Bittersweet
Felings
Time
Stretches
Further
Feelings arise
Love
Loss
Emptiness
Aching
Cant get rid of it
The heart
Warms up
Freezes
But
always
In constant pain
Nov 2020 · 38
Untitled
Ana Habib Nov 2020
I think of you
but i shouldn't
i miss you
but i shouldn't
i talk to you
but i shouldn't
i look for you
but i shouldn’t
i feel for you
but i shouldn't
i should forget you
but i cant
no one ever taught me how
Nov 2020 · 34
The Watcher
Ana Habib Nov 2020
I have loved you
Long before you had acquired all of this
The responsibility
The great reputation
The love
The popularity
The good name
I know we are different
The only peoples I have only known
Are the kind who are out always out to hurt others
They look out for themselves first
Then hurt others
Most of the time
for pleasure
A sick sadistic kind of pleasure
Then I met you
Different from the rest
You want to do whats right
You always put other peoples needs before your own
Rarely care about your own
You wear your heart where others can see it
I saw it as well
Realized that is where I wanted mine to be
Warmed up
Next to yours
Nov 2020 · 23
Cravings
Ana Habib Nov 2020
Did you come back just to hurt me again?
Had some unfinished business
I didn’t know about
Do you want to capture the hurt look on my face one last time
Couldn’t get it right last time
That was 4 months ago
So your doing it again
This soiree wasn’t my idea
But every one thought you would like it
Welcome home
You look different
You keep on staring at women across the room
Like their prey
But when my eyes fall on you
Your ready to jump out of your skin
alabaster skin
I can still feel it on my finger tips
Is the room spinning too?
Can you hear their heartbeats?
You look like your dying
laughing
then ready to cry
The music's too loud
Is it hurting your head yet?
Don’t worry the lights will go out soon
The music will drown away too
we will finally be alone
to talk
to feel
Nov 2020 · 42
Break It
Ana Habib Nov 2020
You played me right from the start
A game that you have won too many times
too cocky to care about the consequences
Our eyes met and I started seeing stars right away
It lit the way for me to you
But I now wish I knew what was waiting for me in the end
I gave you my heart the during the walk
Too soon
I will admit that I did not know what I was doing
just felt like it was the right thing to do
I curse my self
For my own foolishness
But you knew what you were doing
Was that the plan
String me along
Tighten the noose
Till I can’t think straight?
You chipped away at it
Day and night
With that disarming smile
Playful stares
Kind words
Words of tainted affection
That never meant anything
All of it a ploy
For what?
A friends phone number?
Answers to the final
Help I would have given it you
But why this?
Hurting
But don’t leave me bleeding
Break my heart
All of it
So that I can’t feel again
Not all the good things anyways
You got under my skin and now your leaving
I will be sure return the pain
The poison
Unannounced
Just when you feel like you’re the king of the world
Everything's going your way
Let it blind you
Devour you
Bring you to your knees
I promise
Nov 2020 · 34
No cure tonight
Ana Habib Nov 2020
So another day ends
I Lay awake
the wind howls
finger like branches knock at the windows
I feel lonelier then usual
cinnamon offers very little comfort
but she's fast asleep in her fuchsia coloured doggy bed
the though of filling my insides up with rosy liquid in the harsh light of the television seems depressing
I need something stronger
meditation is off the table
I finished the last of my cigarettes
forgot the lavender oil and bubble bath
on purpose, I think
there is no one to hold me in the midst of all the bubbles and soft glow of tea lights
no one to hold my hands as I am curled up in something of yours with my hair in curlers
just talking about insignificant things
silly things
the small things
I miss it
the sound of your voice
the feel of your touch
your scent
I know you will never come to the phone
you have stopped paying attention to my messages
is it more time that you need?
or have you already made up your mind?
Nov 2020 · 33
From me to you
Ana Habib Nov 2020
I have never kept count of the times we have argued
Had a disagreement
Raised our voices or said something without thinking
I don't bother wasting time in settling the score
But for the first time in a long time
I am wishing that you feel what I am feeling right now
Hurt
Sad
Uncertain
Confused
I want you to feel every ounce of it
I want all the feelings to consume you
Hit you in waves
Watch your eyes well up with tears
Watch your face crumble
Your shoulders shake with grief
Your tall form shrinking
Watch you melt into the cold hard floor
Alone
In the dark
with no one to hear you
and even worse
understand you
Ana Habib Nov 2020
He looked tired
Almost out of it
Disheveled hair
Bags under the eyes
Eyes staring into space
A huge grin instead of a scowl
That was what got my attention
I waved my hands in his face
He did not look annoyed
He did not protest
He just kept smiling
I’m in love
I nearly choked on my bagel
I coughed,
I sputtered
shook my head making my curls bounce
That’s the worst kind of insanity there is
He smiled again
I’m in love he said to no one
Nov 2020 · 33
Dreams
Ana Habib Nov 2020
The day will go on like it should
Buzzing with activity and anticipation
Tension and loss
I wait impatiently for night fall
Blue will blanket the sky
Stars will glitter like jewels
The moon will look on
Light the way for the lost
Dreams come alive at a time like this
They hold everything
Happiness pain joy
Secrets of the soul
I long to dream
The only time I ever see you
Just the way I remember you
25 and not a day older
Your eyes search for something
Your smile contains all the joy in the world
The air whispers
I cannot make out all of it
I am not sleeping
My head is too full with thoughts of you
But I do not want to wake up from this
the only time you are ever this close to me
just not close enough to hold
something separates us still
you look at me
still wearing that smile
holding out your hands my way
coming a step closer
I move
Just not fast enough
I watch you disappear
Again
Nov 2020 · 29
Far Away
Ana Habib Nov 2020
This letter like many others
Will remain unopened
Will go unaddressed
You could be anywhere right now
Not dead but always in a different spot
Cooped up in a car
Sitting under palm trees sipping on gin cocktails
Lounging in a hammock by the sea
Resting on a massage table as fingers dig into flesh
Lying on a bed of imported fur by the fire
While she slips into something a little more comfortable
Something that you can take off with a cheese knife
Looking into the face of another paid for the hour girl
Small but long legged
Tanned but *****
Tracing the apple of her cheekbones
Thinking about the lips below
Telling lies one after the other
Such beautiful lies dipped in money and wine
My hard-earned money and your wine
May it run out soon
Let her keep your shirt the next morning and my old phone number
I know you will never seek her out again
But why do you still look for something that you’ve lost so long ago?
It cannot be found in your precious vineyards
The office
The extravagant parties full of pretty little nobodies
You turn into somebody by a getting a taste of fruit that hasn’t been plucked yet
Your empty little glass condo with the mini bar and huge bed
A bad investment but so you were thrilled at the idea of a water filled bed
I could never say no to you but I should have cut you off long ago
I did what I could all in the name of love
I let you into the all the corners of my heart
My house
My family
My babies
My business
All for what?
A set of keys in the end
The same gorgeous view
And no news of you
Nov 2020 · 28
Long Distance
Ana Habib Nov 2020
Does distance really do the heart any good?
I don't think so
I have been feeling down for days
You have been away for weeks
A common scenario for many
I shouldn’t think to much into this
But I can’t bring my self to feel angry
At your carelessness
Anger turns into tears
Cross words turns into silence
Another day will pass
My worries will heighten
It doesn’t matter what or whom I distract myself with
Thoughts of you and your well being will slowly crawl their way
into the most damaged parts of me
the parts I thought would have healed by now
a word from you would have sufficed on most days
but now I wish you were just here
Nov 2020 · 37
I Wonder
Ana Habib Nov 2020
Some Love
Others Fall in Love
Which One Was It With You?
Nov 2020 · 22
A Strange Kinda Love
Ana Habib Nov 2020
I would hear a lot of about it a child
I would see it in the eyes of my mother
For her kids
For dad
I would feel it when he would grab me in a bear hug
I would see it in the way he sometimes looked at her
Thinking that nobody else was watching
I felt the love when they spoke to each other with their eyes
In their smiles and long embraces
I began to wish for the same many years later
Dad was gone
Mom was fading
I wanted to be saved
Or was it feel safe?
I don’t remember
Forgot all that I knew
When you came along
Don’t know what you did
Or how you did it
But my mom fell in love with you faster then I did
The son she never had
I thought it was weird you always hung around her
Did exactly what she told you
But then I realized you were just looking for a mom
Yours never returned after spending a few hours with you
I slowly started to warm up to you
I remembered all the fairy tales I read
I remembered the happy endings
I wondered if you would stick around long enough to be part of mine
Time passed
Seasons changed
We grew closer
She grew weaker
you went far away
no one could reach you
not even me
Nov 2020 · 50
Cham Cham
Ana Habib Nov 2020
He is different
A loner from what I hear
No father
He has accepted my ways
I am different too
Ma calls me “toofan” lovingly
I can never sit still
Books bore me
The kitchen feels like a dungeon
My feet always dance
My fingers are usually splattered with paint or ink
He doesn’t mind
He likes me with my hair down
We meet on the roof on most mornings
Sometimes in the evenings
When no one is around
Drying clothes or chili
Just an excuse
We talk between cups of chai or sweet lassi
I read his hand
He reads my eyes
He writes
Possibly draws
I cannot be sure
He never lets me see
I practice my steps
he watches
I paint
He observes
he clicks pictures
always when I am not aware
to capture something, I think
I can tell him anything
Nothing needed to be hidden in the pages
He understands ever sigh and murmur
Understands every step and colour
But even then
He has not once told me that he loves me
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